Am I crazy? New Relationship with Non-Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ashburn, Virginia
Posts: 3
Am I crazy? New Relationship with Non-Alcoholic
I think Im crazy:-) I divorced the alcoholic in my life and got off that horrible roller coaster. I am a recovering codependent and check myself each and everyday setting my boundaries and distancing myself from unhealthy people. The only problem is Ive met a nice man who is not an addict and Ive distanced myself so much I cant even have a NORMAL relationship with him. He perceives me as sneaky and secretive at times and I dont know how to stop coming across that way or why Im still distancing myself from everyone. I dont know how to explain the alcoholic craziness to him because if you havent been there yourself you just cant understand - can you? There are SO many things he doesnt understand about me and I dont know HOW to change that. Ive distanced myself from my daughter as she has not admitted she is caught up in the craziness as well and I wont be involved in her drama any longer. He doesnt understand this either - cant figure out why my extended family is all so distant. How am I going to make him understand and stop feeling crazy again?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi BD and welcome to SR.
There is so much good information here and many wonderful people who will be along shortly to share their experience, strength and hope in situations similar to yours.
I have had more than one marriage and more than one long term relationship with Alcoholics/Addicts. There was a time when I thought I would be fine if I just got OUT of that relationship. What I learned was that I needed to work on ME - to learn about boundaries, self respect, and to learn what it was about myself that attracted me to the addictive personality and vice versa. Until I did that, I just went into the next relationship with the next A even though I really thought I was better.
I'm in a healthy relationship - finally. I had to go thru a few more unhealthy ones before I learned my life lessons. It took a long time for me to stop feeling crazy. It took a long time for me to stop reacting to other people as though they were the As in my life.
Time takes time. I hope you're able to read some of the stickies here in the forums and learn a little about why they call alcoholism and addiction the disease of relationships.
Hugs
Cats
There is so much good information here and many wonderful people who will be along shortly to share their experience, strength and hope in situations similar to yours.
I have had more than one marriage and more than one long term relationship with Alcoholics/Addicts. There was a time when I thought I would be fine if I just got OUT of that relationship. What I learned was that I needed to work on ME - to learn about boundaries, self respect, and to learn what it was about myself that attracted me to the addictive personality and vice versa. Until I did that, I just went into the next relationship with the next A even though I really thought I was better.
I'm in a healthy relationship - finally. I had to go thru a few more unhealthy ones before I learned my life lessons. It took a long time for me to stop feeling crazy. It took a long time for me to stop reacting to other people as though they were the As in my life.
Time takes time. I hope you're able to read some of the stickies here in the forums and learn a little about why they call alcoholism and addiction the disease of relationships.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Hi and welcome,
No I don't think you are crazy to feel this way. It is so normal!
We learn to live and deal with certain situations that occur when knowing or living with an addict/alcoholic and it is very difficult to detach ourselves from that attitude. Please give yourself some time to heal as months might go by without much progress - it all just depends on you hey!
It has been 5 months for me and only now I am coming to terms with certain things - my own relationship is even improving as the days go by.
Try explaining to your new companion some aspects of why you react like you do still - he needs to understand - especially if he has never been there. I had many friends that thought they understood, but they never really did, until the one's dad became a full-blown alcoholic - she told me weeks later that she thought she understood...but really actually had no idea.
Give yourself time to heal and work on YOU! Put aside time for yourself only....all wounds need time to heal.
Good luck and keep posting!
No I don't think you are crazy to feel this way. It is so normal!
We learn to live and deal with certain situations that occur when knowing or living with an addict/alcoholic and it is very difficult to detach ourselves from that attitude. Please give yourself some time to heal as months might go by without much progress - it all just depends on you hey!
It has been 5 months for me and only now I am coming to terms with certain things - my own relationship is even improving as the days go by.
Try explaining to your new companion some aspects of why you react like you do still - he needs to understand - especially if he has never been there. I had many friends that thought they understood, but they never really did, until the one's dad became a full-blown alcoholic - she told me weeks later that she thought she understood...but really actually had no idea.
Give yourself time to heal and work on YOU! Put aside time for yourself only....all wounds need time to heal.
Good luck and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
When I first met my husband, I bemoaned the same thing - he didn't understand my pain or my decisions regarding my screwed-up family, because he'd never gone through it.
But he understood enough to know a few things: 1) I'd been through a lot, 2) I was dealing with it as best I could, and 3) He wanted to be there for me when I just needed someone to sit with me and listen.
In time, his lack of experience with the horrors of alcoholism has become a HUGE asset to me rather than a problem. He sees things through the filter of a normal, stable, happy life, and he has helped me to become more of a normal, stable, happy person rather than one who is constantly seeking someone who "feels my pain."
Our community member Ago put it so well when he said recently that if he hangs around sick people he feels sicker, and if he hangs around healthy people he feels healthier. Maybe this man doesn't need to understand everything (as long as he's not judgmental about it, giving you advice and suchlike). Maybe he just needs to keep his mouth shut and be there with a hug when you need it.
Like this one:
Good luck!!
But he understood enough to know a few things: 1) I'd been through a lot, 2) I was dealing with it as best I could, and 3) He wanted to be there for me when I just needed someone to sit with me and listen.
In time, his lack of experience with the horrors of alcoholism has become a HUGE asset to me rather than a problem. He sees things through the filter of a normal, stable, happy life, and he has helped me to become more of a normal, stable, happy person rather than one who is constantly seeking someone who "feels my pain."
Our community member Ago put it so well when he said recently that if he hangs around sick people he feels sicker, and if he hangs around healthy people he feels healthier. Maybe this man doesn't need to understand everything (as long as he's not judgmental about it, giving you advice and suchlike). Maybe he just needs to keep his mouth shut and be there with a hug when you need it.
Like this one:
Good luck!!
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
If you have found a good man then I think you had better find a way to get yourself together. Don't ruin a good thing. I'd go to counseling or something to find a way to get better and have a happy life with a good man. But that's just me.
Too much baggage may scare him away. I wish you happiness.
Too much baggage may scare him away. I wish you happiness.
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