darkplace

Why is it that when your child is sick you can take them to a dr & find the help & cure they need, but when your child is sick w/ addiction, it's so dammmm hard to find the help & the "cure"!!
My son has had his 4th session of outpatient rehab & he's worse than ever. He told me that he has to be high everyday, that he's physically ill if he isn't, that he can't sleep if he isn't. He's doing dangerous things to get that high by buying kids' prescription drugs like Percoset & Xanax. (He gets it soooo easy in school, even during class. I'm gonna call the school hotline & give them the details I know about this stuff.)
I tried 2 months ago to get him into inpatient rehab but b/c he wasn't addicted to one physically addictive drug, they wouldn't take him. I can try to get him into other live-in type rehab places, but it will be tough b/c I have no money. What's the point anyway, if they can sign themselves out?? He's 17 & he can leave whenever he wants to.
I know there are underlying mental issues, too. I've tried to get help for him since he was 10. We have been to so many psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists & counselors. None have been able to see through his charm, deceit, & lies. His primary dr is awesome: he's the only one that sees through him. But now that his office changed healthcare systems we cannot go to him as of Jan. 1st! (unless we pay full price)
The whole mental health process has failed us. I believe my son is self-medicating for a mental problem no one can get a handle on. (Every single person in my son's dad's dad's family has a mental diagnosis such as bipolar.)
Why is it soooo hard?? I can't stop thinking about how it's so easy to get medical help for your child but next to impossible to get help for your child if there's mental issues or drug issues.

barblsn

Why is it soooo hard??

Because as hard as it is to understand; this is your son's problem. Where I work, we can not release any information to parents of a child who is 14 or older. Yep. 14. The laws were made to protect the children, give them a chance of getting help without parents intereferring. Of course, the opposite happens too. So you can't make him go to treatment.

I used to be an addiction counselor, but switched to Mental Health counseling because I couldn't stand being lied to all day, every day. Then, of course, years later, I fall in love with an addict!

Anyway, the sad thing is, your son won't recover until he wants to. What he says and what he does (and has done, as evidenced by 4 failed rehabs) are 2 different things.

But you can recover. Go to an alanon or naranon meeting, read the posts here. It's not easy going through what you're going through. You are going to need plenty of support.

winnie12

A year ago - your story was mine exactly. Without the physical addiction it is hard to get help. I just found that the more people and agencies i talked to the further I got - its just a maze to get through it. I did get furthest when i got him into the court system and the county mental health system. You really have to show a history before they take you seriously. But as others will tell you until he wants help he wont respond to treatment. What he says is exactly what my son said and its just all excuses and denial. It may be a long road so the best thing you can do is get help for yourself - that will help prepare you for what may come.

Freedom1990

Unfortunately that is the way the 'system', which is sadly broken, works. I remember when all the red flags were going up on my then 15 year old AD, and every resource I turned to failed me. I was basically told unless she ran away or tried to commit suicide, no one could help me, including Social Services. Well, guess what? She ended up running away with a 24 year old predator, and then Social Services made her a ward of the state.

She spent 60 days in a lockup facility and a year in a foster home.

I will say that as painful as that period was, we both did benefit from it, but it is indeed frustrating that none of these agencies seem willing to help before things blow to pieces.

I do understand your frustration! :ghug :ghug

Lobo

Darkplace,
I really feel bad for you because I know what it is like to run into brick walls trying to get to the right source to help your child. I ran into so many roadblocks of one kind or another trying to get my daughter committed. So many times I failed and she just continued to run her life into the gutter.
Finally I got her into a rehab out in Calif. and we live in Pa. As long as you are willing to pay, you can take the next flight out and be in rehab that night.
I took money from my retirement account and off she went. Finally my daughter was going to be cured, right? Wrong, she wasn't ready and I lost a significant amount of money. I'm not saying that she didn't go away with some useful info but I learned a hard lesson. Until she is ready to do this on her own, nothing works.

Well, after 6 yrs. and a lot of heartache and bad living conditions she got herself clean and has been clean for a long time now. I stopped trying to get her into places and make her get clean. I might add that she is also bi-polar and she also took care of that on her own. She has a therapist and is on bi-polar meds. She sought out all of her own rescources.

When he is ready he will take charge. He may need some help from you. If he does, he will ask for it and I know you would be willing. As long as he is doing the right thing I don't see anything wrong with helping him.

Good luck and blessings to you and your son..............Lo

outtolunch

Maybe because there is no cure for addiction.

How old is your son? Since you are aware of his usage, are there any consequences you can impose? Where does he get the money for drugs? Does he have use of a car? Does he have privledges that can be revoked?

I read once of a parent in your situation with a son, age 14. Mom had a legal obligation to put a roof over his head. She moved him and his stuff into the garage. She created consequences. I lost track of it and don't know the outcome. I did however admire this gutsy mom for creating consequences to her son's behavior.

marle

If he gets sick when he is not using, then he IS physically addicted to drugs. I want to welcome you to SR. I am sorry that you are having a hard time finding help for him, but I also agree with the others that until he wants help there is not much you can do but set boundaries with him. I definitely would call the school and your local police department. Your son is still at an age where he can be forced to undergo some kind of treatment and a court-ordered one is better than nothing at all. Sometimes time in jail can turn an addict around. Either way can you find some Ala-non or Nar-anon meetings for yourself. They really can be a lifesaver. Hugs, Marle

NeedingHelp7

darkplace, I don't even know what to say to you except please get help for yourself even if he doesn't. These are a terrible mixture of drugs prescribed or unprescribed, the mixture is dangerous especially if used long term. My AH uses both too.


AH gets sick too. I've seen him vomit a lot! On trees at the beach, the neighbors yard, etc... It's aweful. He vomits when he's coming off, slowing down, and when he's abusing them.

My heart goes out to you, because you know that if your AS has taken xanax for long periods, and then goes without it can lead to a seizure.

I wished I was there to give you a big hug right now, I know you must be feeling desperate. I'm also hoping you can find an Alanon or Naranon meeting in your area, they help immensely.

And I pray God holds you and son in His loving care and leads your AS to help immediately, providing everything needed.

Letting Go Letting God,
NH7

sojourner

darkplace:

I struggle with the idea that we have a society that knows what addiction is and what it does to a person but offers no help or tools for family members to use. It would be great if i could have power of attorney (or something legal) over my son - but i don't. And from what everyone says, a person recovers when they want to recover.

having said that, we live in a society that tolerates addiction in its midst - is it possible that if the society did not tolerate addiction or addictive behaviors then a person's first time into rehab (forced or not) would have a higher success rate?

at any rate, we family members do have a solution available to us, lacking as it may be, of emotional detachment, allowing natural consequences, etc. and those tools do work in freeing us from the misery of the addict's problems and also helps position the addict to reach that elusive bottom - everybody wins!

Troubledone

I can't offer anything that hasn't already been said except offering prayers that you find a way to restore the peace in your own life while your son works out his own life.

I agree with all - bipolar or addicted, they have to want the help to benefit from it. My sister almost ended her own life as a result of the effects of bipolar before she was willing to accept the help that was there.

And my niece is in the care of the local county where she is confined and getting some psychological attention. Jail is not always a bad thing, sometimes its the thing that saves their life.

God Bless..

Spiritual Seeker

Hugs from another mom.
Don't give up on your boy, but don't let it destroy you either.

ctrom40

It is so hard when your child has mental issues and starts to self-medicate.

been there, done that...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Ann

I can't add much to the wise words above, but wanted to add that the Salvation Army program is free and quite good.

Most programs are about as good as the addict's willingness to get and stay clean.

My prayers go out for you and your boy. I know your pain and the only thing that helped me was to find meetings for myself, a sponsor and learn how to work and live the 12 steps of recovery.

Hugs

rozied

Dear Darkplace, Read Lobo's post to you again & again if you have to. Your son is 17, unfortunately he has to be the one who seeks out his own help.
I know how hard it is watching them mess up again & again but when he is ready he will seek out the help he needs. You know you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.......same is true with our kids.
Love,
Diane

katie44

Hello Darkplace, AS started using at 16, 21 now. At 17 we had no say in any of his affairs. 16 is the legal age in Canada. Even if we did have the power over them with the courts, rehabs, etc. the bottom line this is his journey and he must find recovery himself. It is horrifying to watch your child destroy themselves, and know there is nothing we can do. At one time I thought I could fix his problems we did it all private rehabs , thousands of dollars, had him arrested ( only to have him out on the street the next day) tried to have him committed to the hospital they let him out in 72 hrs., did the drug testing only to be fooled. All the while we were exhausting ourselves and putting ourselves in to financial despair he was still using, still lying and thieving. It takes a long time to realize they must do this themselves, its painful, very painful for you. Sojourner is correct is saying once you and your family allow detachment, he will reach his bottom. There is only one way back and that is up. Prayers to you and your son.

sleepygoat

Actually, the mental health profession failed me too when I was your son's age and younger. I was very depressed, but also "self medicating" with every street drug I could get my hands on. My addiction was overlooked as merely a symptom of depression that would somehow magically fall away if I felt better. I was even prescibed huge amounts of valium by a psychiatrist, which I horded for a while.and then abused like they were candy. Nobody suggested drug treament - inpatient or out - because there really was none available back them for teens, except therapeutic comminuties which did not work, and which you also had to be an IV drug user (which I was not) to go to.

Eventually, at the age of 24, I got clean for the first time (11 years) - no I did not stay clean for every day of my adult life, (some brief relapses occurred thru the years between those 11 years and now) but I've got almost 5 years now without a relapse, and its a disease that is often subject to relapse. My point is, in spite of everything seeming to go in favor of my drug abuse, I still got clean.

My AD (20 years old now), is still using. While the mental health professionals failed your son, the legal system failed my daughter. She still has outstanding warrents and felony charges from when she was 17, that she has not had to deal with. She now lives in a place called Newark, NJ where she can live and use outside of the law. The warrents will not be served. She will not go to jail, nor will she be mandated to treament, in spite of my very best, most obsessive, and forceful manipulations to make it so.

Neverthe less, she has made some attempts at treatment all by herself, and is willing to try again. Will she ever get and stay clean for a period of time worth talking about (like a month or more??) I believe that she will. I did, when I was ready, and so can she. And so can your son, and so can any addict that really wants to change more than they want to get high. That is saying a lot for an addict, though. The disease is way, way, way more powerful than the addict, and more powerful than we moms. But God is more powerful than me, you, my daughter, your son, and the disease of addiction. So what I do is keep praying and keep hoping, and just live my life each day to the best of my ability.
Thanks for sharing your story and for joining us here.

sojourner

Sleepygoat:

I don't have a "thanks" button to hit on your post, so i'm saying "thanks" here for your awesome thoughts and for sharing your ESH with me.

I too feel the legal system has failed my son - except for the times when i tell myself that him being arrested and going to jail may not be his bottom - that may be just another adventure/challenge in his otherwise lonely life. His bottom may come just looking at the trees and thinking "i don't have to live this way."

Thanks again

sojourner

Sleepygoat:

I don't have a "thanks" button to hit on your post, so i'm saying "thanks" here for your awesome thoughts and for sharing your ESH with me.

I too feel the legal system has failed my son - except for the times when i tell myself that him being arrested and going to jail may not be his bottom - that may be just another adventure/challenge in his otherwise lonely life. His bottom may come just looking at the trees and thinking "i don't have to live this way."

Thanks again

darkplace

He is 17, he doesn't listen to my consequences, he steals to get $, he doesn't have a license & I lock up my car w/ the club & lock my keys in my room when I'm sleeping, & he has no privileges anymore. Good idea about the garage, but we live in an apartment.