coming_clean

day 1

When ur not honest to yourself, life will strip everything untill you have no choice but to face the truth.
My girlfriend left me about 9 days ago. I'm 24, and we've been together for about 5 years, she was my college sweetheart. Altough she is still thinking about it, I allready made up my mind, and it's not good for us to come back together.
I need to face my depression, and my mariuana addicition alone. I read once that in active recovery it's adviced to not be dating or anything for the first year. Now I see why...
I just can't be a junky and a lover at the same time. This whole play and pretend thing, it has sucked all the life and energy out of me.
For years I was to closed of a person, so she asked me to open up again and again. So eventually I did, I shared emotions, feelings and frustrations with her.
Now she has decided that she can't deal with it. She also told me that I have no ambition, and that i'm lazy, unmotivated......it was almost like she had a list. I can't deal with negativity like that, not when I'm allready depressed and quite insecure.

she broke up with me, one hour after my sister said it was my fault she had a terrible childhood...

I come from a home were I was never loved, always talked down, paid of with expensive useless stuff, etc. etc. I realised the past few days that my ex used to do this a lot too. Nagging, complaining, talking me down.

Expect for the pain of seperation I feel better then in years. Im not tired all the time, and not everything seems to be an obligation.

So now i'm on my own again. I even broke all contacts with my parents and sister, I can't deal with them right now. I have been blaming myself for a lot of nasty things that happened throughout the years, and that left me completely empty and without energy.

that's why I smoked weed, even tough I stopped liking it a long long time ago. Living was even worse then being high. I try to focus on why normal life is so much worse, and try to fix it. This has resulted in a much more positive use of the drug (less and less ) throughout the last week or so, even with the pain of braking up.

So I guess i'm back....again...lol..

coming_clean

day 1....ofcourse

I just seem to keep smoking, against all rationality...

Hardly had contact with her since she left, she's writing a letter wich I should read. The last day or two I actually am starting to get a bit annoid. She always just did what she wanted, and I felt like there was no way but to follow. Otherwise we (I) would have ended this a long long time ago. But I love(d?) her, so that is what u do right, make sacrifices so love can grow??

I sacrificed enough. And not only for her. For my parents, who never gave a damm even if I would sacrifice my own soul. For friends, who never called back or just didn't care.

Smoking weed is my 'happy-time' my way of saying @#$@#-you against the world, and to force myself to take some time off, time for myself and nobody else.

I should be doing this sober as well...

Bought call of duty; world at war yesterday...what an awsome game!

coming_clean

I felt exactly the same...full of doubt and fear...doubting,
She proberly felt it.

Thank god I realised almost straight away that this is not my fault, or my addictions fault...we just grew apart I guess..

i'm just so tired of relapsing every single day...it has to stop..I want it to

grateful2b

(((CC)))
As I was moving through the threads I was thinking about you and wondering how you are and here I find you!
So glad you are back
sounds like you and I have had the same family background..
I am sorry for your pain, but I admire your strength in finally choosing to put yourself first, deal with you , and do the next right thing ...it will get better..hang in there buddy, hugs Grateful

tennis71

I'm an alcoholic, we drink, it is in out nature. You're an addict, you smoke and it is in your nature. It is not rational and it is not your fault.

When was the last time you experienced anything in life with a couple of weeks of sobriety under your belt - no booze, no pot, nothing? Using may actually be feeding your depression more by letting everything build up. When I drank, I did so to avoid my problems. I would just numb myself and ignore them. Of course I came to find out that the problems never went away, they just kept building and building.

The list your girlfriend ran off is similar to what my wife told me at the peek of my use. And you know what, when I remain sober for any length of time my ambition returns, I become motivated, I act rationally and I don't wait for life to treat me bad. Everything is not perfect now, but the lows are a lot better when I deal with them and the list of my flaws is a lot shorter.

So back to you, do you really want to stop using? What are you willing to do to sober up? Are you willing to see a counselor and / or try NA? From the sound of it you haven't been able to do this on your own, so I suggest trying something different and getting some help. Maybe think about a Dr. for your depression as well rather than self medicating. I can think of 4 major life problems that you are currently ignoring right now by smoking - the break up, your depression, your relationship with your family and your addiction. Those are pretty huge for any one person to deal with so think about getting some help instead of isolating yourself.

I speak from experience on that one. I isolated myself to deal with a failing marriage, no job, death in the family, depression, financial problems and of course alcoholism. Everything was building and I isolated myself right into a drunk driving charge. Once I started to sober up, with the help of AA and a counselor, I was able to look at each problem individually, not all at once like I did when I was drinking. Then I started to deal with them and life has improved.

So hang in there. Life can improve if you want it to, you just need to take some action and remove the weed from the equation. I hope at least one of these thoughts helps you move forward in life - it really sounds like the sky is the limit for you once you get clean and sober.

:praying

coming_clean

I think it has been feeding my depression....it sure never made it better....it just numbed things out....

day 1......

please god and everything holy and spiritual in this world. Give me the strength to beat this disease today...let me fly!