Edge2007

Hi - I had posted this in a different thread but someone suggested this might be a good place too:

Hi All,

I am not sure where to begin. There is so much I want to say but trying to get it into an order that makes sense.

This might be long, please forgive me. I have just never told anyone the whole truth before. Bits and pieces but not everything.

2 years ago I didn't smoke cigarettes, barely drank socially, and for sure didn't smoke pot! Eww! Gross! It stinks, why would anyone want to inhale that? Drink? Why would I want to feel out of control? No Thanks!

Then I met someone. The show he gave me was Mr. Family Man who didn't party, do drugs or drink. What a show. Not only was he a drinker, he was and still is an alcoholic in denial! To make it worse, he brought me to a house to meet some "friends" and it turned out to be a crack house.

I was dumbfounded and hurt and scared and mad and I could go on and on. As soon as we left that house (he needed to get money for his purchase) I dumped him on the spot.

Had it ended there I guess this post wouldn't exist would it?

The next morning he comes grovelling to my door. I forgive him. I beleive his lies. I think it was his wild side and broken-boy charm that caught me. I have to save everyone. Side note: about 6 months before that my ex of several years and I broke up and I was havng a rough time with that. I just wanted to freak out some. He and I always lived this stuffy existance so here was my chance to get wild.

It took a long time but finally curiousity came knocking and I tried smoking crack. Got nothing off of it the first time. Nothing at all. Should have given up then but no, try, try again.

$15 000 gone in about 3 months between the two of us. That doesn't include freebies for jobs or party nights at the dealer's house.

Luckily for me, the real me surfaced finally and I decided one day to never do it again. Withdrawls suck, yes, but what is harder is one person still using in a relationship and the other has stopped. You go from partners in crime to insta-enemies.

That is a long story. He stole from me, disappeared, he would strong arm me into giving him money so he could go use for the night.

Eventually he did get off of it himself. Again, woohoo! But booze has picked up where the crack left off. He always had a drinking problem but seemed to be in control of it.

Now today he is drinking heavily most days and I smoke pot like it is going out of style to deal with him. If I don't smoke pot I am so angry and furious at him and I have actually hit him and threw him up against a door and broke it (yes, I am a girl). I am not sure if it is just my own fury from deep down or if it is a side effect of crack. Instant and raw rage like I have never felt before. I haven't used in over 1.5 years but it has changed me so much.

We are enemies again. In our disfunction we got married. I think I ran towards it so feverishly because I wanted to feel normal again. Planning a wedding is normal, shopping for a dress is normal - burnt lips from a crack pipe is not.

To top it off, now he works with a guy that is a major coke addict. As we all know, coke is just crack waiting to happen. He says he thinks about it non-stop becuase he knows how available it is now. That scares me to death. It scares me mostly because I know how much I still think about it and knowing there is a connection is hard for me... my husband is worse off than me when it comes to addiction. It was so much harder for him to stop plus booze brings down his inhibitions big time. How long can he hold out for?

Of course, he is in a major form of denial. He does not have a drinking problem and even though he still thinks about crack constantly if it were in front of him he wouldn't touch it. Sorry, but that is bull! I am in a certain amount of hell every day and I never got the full blown addiction he did. His denial is what is going to destroy him I am afraid.

Perhaps I should leave him and try to salvage a life on my own. God, that idea kills.

I am not sure what the purpose of this post is. Maybe just to get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading anyways!

Edge2007

GwenMarie30

I dont really have anything to say just yet but I did want to welcome you to Friends and Family Edge!

Jewelz

Edge, wow thats a lot you have been through. Welcome to SR and I am happy you found us... difficult road we are on. First off I want to say that its great you were able to stop smoking crack as I am sure it must have been very hard when your husband was still using. To me that says you have a lot of strength within you.

Some how your going to need to get in control of your life... I cant say how because everyone is different. Have you been to NA or Naranon meetings? Hugs and prayers to you. More members will be welcoming you soon.

Jewelz

GwenMarie30

Hi Edge, I still am thinking of what I want to say but I just wanted to let you know that you tok a huge step forward in recovery for yourself by coming here and telling us your story. There is so many here who have been where you are today and with the help of the wonderful people and by the grace of God, you will find serenity and get to a better place. There are many here who can help so please look around and read the sticky's at the top until you get some more replys.
Again welcome to SR!

Edge2007

Hi Guys,

I am going to go to an Al'Anon meeting. It is so strange how my life "titles" keep changing: went from "Normal Chick" to "Addict Chick" to now "Loved one of an Addict Chick"..

But I am hoping Al'Anon can help me figure out my roll in my own recovery and to understand what my husband is going through. Then maybe I can be more confident on where I want my life and relationship to be.

Thanks for responding all!

Edge2007

Callie

Hey Edge -

I have read that is is somewhat common for us codie's to abuse alcohol or pot or whatever just to deal with our full blown addicts. We use, just to get away from exactly what they are trying to get away from (the addicts) It sounds like maybe you should detach and re-evaluate yourself and what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are involved or not, but if not - run like he((. It's one thing when they do this crap to you, but to see it done to your kids as well is like sticking a knife in your back and twisting it around. To look into the eyes of your kids and KNOW that THIS is who you chose to be their father, dad, role model. It's a very hard thing to do and one that can't be undone.

Take care of yourself and get your own priorities straight and then look at the big picture.

mooselips

Welcome Edge,
You sound like you know what you what and attending meetings will steer you in that direction.
It must be very hard for you with him still using. Hold on tight to your sobriety, it's your lifeline to a good life.


Hugs.........