A Recovering Addicts Thought - "Will the REAL ME stand up!"
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 41
A Recovering Addicts Thought - "Will the REAL ME stand up!"
"Will the REAL ME stand up!"
In my years of walking in addiction I found myself very confused (when I rarely thought this deep and honest about myself) about who "I" really was under the shadow of the euphoria of my addiction. The longer I was in this state the more I realize (now) I was loosing my sense of identity or "ME" more and more. Being clean since the latter part of September I have come to a place where its time to say, "Hello ME...its been awhile. I should probably get to know you again...and probably like never before." (Hang in there with the corny Me, Myself and I usage in this.)
“ME” the Addict
So much about everyday life became all about NUMBING so much of MYSELF to make life appear tolerable (if just of the moment). Keeping at bay and NUMBING the shame of what I have become, NUMBING my own harsh criticism of myself, NUMBING my deep feelings of inadequacy, NUMBING the ache in my heart from not being a genuine and real person, NUMBING my sense of responsibility to my wife, kids and business and on the list goes. I realized that even before I began my "affair" with opiates I handled these things in an addictive fashion, but now I had found something that worked like nothing else!
As a result I lost what sense of SELF I had to the constant "hummm" of the opiates silencing my true SELF. In this repetitive cycle each day, unbenonced to me at the time, I was loosing my own sense of SELF and it was being replaced by psuedoidentities that were being created that the addiction was providing. I began to loose more and more my ability to express who I knew (deep inside) I actually was. My life became more and more a bunch of lies, manipulations and psuedo-identities to cope with the loss of my real SELF. I was no longer living life THROUGH my own SENSE OF IDENTITY where I could find real personal strength and satisfaction. Where I once was thinking freely and honestly about my life (or at least trying to), having self directed ideas and self satisfaction of who I was, what I was doing or was becoming...it was gone. All I did now was live THROUGH the perpetual euphoria I was feeding my self. "ME" was no longer in control for that matter...actually, I wasn't sure where in the world ME had gone!
“I once was blind...”
For a little while now it’s been a journey of reintroducing myslelf to ME. Cleaning up and taking inventory again of those many areas at my life that is ME and even those areas that I am honestly not sure about who I am. With my own sense of SELF returning, facing and dealing with these areas I once tried to numb in a REAL healthy way is actually pretty cool. Damn hard at times...but I like it.
With the fog of opiates removed from me I see things with real HOPE. I can see things the way they were meant to be...REAL. They are not always pleasurefull or fun, but where did the idea that life was supposed to be only fun and pleasure? Don't get me wrong, I'll take it when it comes, but we are simply setting ourselves up for failure and yes...addiction if we think this. I have been reading how many addictive substances can actually chemically "reprogram" us how we receive pleasure and even prioritize what pleasure we think we need. Of course, if this is true, you and I both know what’s going to make itself priority number one in our minds then!
If this makes any sense to someone also, let me know. I typically don’t post on this board the things I have been writing, but a couple of people have mentioned to me that it might be good to post it. Well, I have blabbed long enough for now...if this didn’t make a lot of sense for most that is OK, but if helps anyone as it did with me just writing it...then I’m doubly-glad!
In my years of walking in addiction I found myself very confused (when I rarely thought this deep and honest about myself) about who "I" really was under the shadow of the euphoria of my addiction. The longer I was in this state the more I realize (now) I was loosing my sense of identity or "ME" more and more. Being clean since the latter part of September I have come to a place where its time to say, "Hello ME...its been awhile. I should probably get to know you again...and probably like never before." (Hang in there with the corny Me, Myself and I usage in this.)
“ME” the Addict
So much about everyday life became all about NUMBING so much of MYSELF to make life appear tolerable (if just of the moment). Keeping at bay and NUMBING the shame of what I have become, NUMBING my own harsh criticism of myself, NUMBING my deep feelings of inadequacy, NUMBING the ache in my heart from not being a genuine and real person, NUMBING my sense of responsibility to my wife, kids and business and on the list goes. I realized that even before I began my "affair" with opiates I handled these things in an addictive fashion, but now I had found something that worked like nothing else!
As a result I lost what sense of SELF I had to the constant "hummm" of the opiates silencing my true SELF. In this repetitive cycle each day, unbenonced to me at the time, I was loosing my own sense of SELF and it was being replaced by psuedoidentities that were being created that the addiction was providing. I began to loose more and more my ability to express who I knew (deep inside) I actually was. My life became more and more a bunch of lies, manipulations and psuedo-identities to cope with the loss of my real SELF. I was no longer living life THROUGH my own SENSE OF IDENTITY where I could find real personal strength and satisfaction. Where I once was thinking freely and honestly about my life (or at least trying to), having self directed ideas and self satisfaction of who I was, what I was doing or was becoming...it was gone. All I did now was live THROUGH the perpetual euphoria I was feeding my self. "ME" was no longer in control for that matter...actually, I wasn't sure where in the world ME had gone!
“I once was blind...”
For a little while now it’s been a journey of reintroducing myslelf to ME. Cleaning up and taking inventory again of those many areas at my life that is ME and even those areas that I am honestly not sure about who I am. With my own sense of SELF returning, facing and dealing with these areas I once tried to numb in a REAL healthy way is actually pretty cool. Damn hard at times...but I like it.
With the fog of opiates removed from me I see things with real HOPE. I can see things the way they were meant to be...REAL. They are not always pleasurefull or fun, but where did the idea that life was supposed to be only fun and pleasure? Don't get me wrong, I'll take it when it comes, but we are simply setting ourselves up for failure and yes...addiction if we think this. I have been reading how many addictive substances can actually chemically "reprogram" us how we receive pleasure and even prioritize what pleasure we think we need. Of course, if this is true, you and I both know what’s going to make itself priority number one in our minds then!
If this makes any sense to someone also, let me know. I typically don’t post on this board the things I have been writing, but a couple of people have mentioned to me that it might be good to post it. Well, I have blabbed long enough for now...if this didn’t make a lot of sense for most that is OK, but if helps anyone as it did with me just writing it...then I’m doubly-glad!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Makes total sense
Thanks for posting something that put into words how I lost myself. My ex BF, who is not an addict and has been through hell and back, told me the other day that I was out of touch with reality the last few years. I spoke about it in a meeting tonight. Your words put my thoughts on paper.
Thanks and Welcome
Keep posting. I like your insight
:codiepolice
Thanks and Welcome
Keep posting. I like your insight
:codiepolice
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