lagrutke

My husband and I were talking about the difference between the addict in your life being a significant other or a child.

My feeling is that having a child as an addict is harder because they would always be in your life, you can't completely let go. You will always be open to them if they seek recovery. Addiction, whether active or in recovery, will always be in your life.

Whereas with a significant other, you can completely let go and move on. I'm not saying that this isn't horrible also, but you can eventually get addiction out of your life.

My husband disagrees and feels that he picked me as his significant other, and therefore will always stick by me. He didn't pick our children and would be able to move on easier without them.

I just can't understand this. Is this a male, female thing?

winnie12

Sounds like he just cant imagine life without you.

caileesnana

anyone you love is hard to detach from, but i assure you, after you carry a child 9 months, adopt them and grow to love them, nurture and watch them grow, and see them attempt to kill theirself over and over--that is far worse. You can divorce a man, not your kids! They are always part of you, no matter where or how far they choose to fall.

susan

lagrutke

I agree Susan. That is exactly how I feel also.

I love my husband, but if he was making my life a living he!! and wasn't trying to recover and work a program, I would remove him from my life. Yet by the time he did choose recovery, I may have moved on with my life with a new significant other.

Whereas, with my child, I would remove them from my life until they chose recovery, however, then I would be there with a helpful hand. I would still be their parent and that would never change.

Perhaps my husband's outlook comes from having 2 brothers that are addicts and he has removed them from his life.

liesagain

this question has been posed here time after time

some will say its worse for the parent and others will say its worse for the spouse

I say pain is pain and love is love and addiction is addiction.
None of us, parent, sibling, child, spouse, friend or grandparent has the market on pain.

ADDICTION ruins families and its leaves pain and heartbreak in its wake..........why try to "decide" whos hurting more or less
detachment from any person you love that is living in active addiction isnt an easy take regardless of the role you have in that addicts life.

GwenMarie30

Alot of men seem to adhere to this theory. Mine says the same. My grandfather says the same. I know Ive read in magazines and books that this the opinion of most men. NOT ALL MEN! But it was from my general consensus that its most viewed by men. Women on the other hand have carried this child and been mostly the caretaker of the child that she will choose her child over the husband. She views are mostly that her mate is able to make his own choices and therefore can walk away easier than a child. As mother we tend to take the actions of our children as personal failures or if the child does good then we are so proud, and in the back of our mind we say, I did right here!

I also read that women tend to file for divorce before men do. Men would rather stay in the situation than fix it or themselves. I am not cutting on the guys here so please dont misunderstand. I am one who will stand by my significant other no matter what, even cheating. But I do think I would choose my children over my significant other hands down. JMHO.

Touchy subject for some but very good question that Id like to hear opinions of others here! Thanks for posting!

lagrutke

My point was not trying to decide who is hurting more. Everyone hurts no matter the relationship.

My point was on the different views between my husband and me. I was wondering if this was a "normal" difference between male and female. Perhaps being a "mother" makes the bond between child and parent that much more strong.

wooforever

It is hard no matter what. You are mother and that is so different then being a father. I believe it is how you are with the children. If one parent is closer then the other one it is harder for the closer parent to let go.

As for it being a spouse, yes you can divorce him and move on in live but that addict will always be in your life. It never really leaves you, you just learn how to move on with your life.

If you have kids with an addict, you have that addict always in your life. My son father will always be his father and the chances are that he could become an addict or even a drunk. It is something that he will have to deal with and I.

So I guess you guys are both correct.

Freedom1990

Pain is pain, no matter whether it's an SO or a child. I've been in both of those situations.

I don't like getting into debates as to which is harder or more painful.

liesagain

Maybe I misunderstood your post...............it seemed to me that you were saying it is easier to let go of a spouse addict rather than a child addict

and that your husband disagreed so you were asking if this is a man woman difference............

Its my opinion thats its less likely a man woman difference and more likely a person by person difference

From the bonding aspect I disagree that theres a difference based on gender.......I know many women who are much less bonded or attached to their child than are the fathers

From the point that its easier to let go if its your SO, I have to again disagree expecially if its an adult child................
If your spouse continues to live in active addiction it alters YOUR day to day personal life..............the finances the homelife the partnership.........like your husband said he picked you to be in his life and when the person you picked to be in your life continues to live in active addiction it doesnt just alter thier life it alters the life of the SO and if theres children it alters their life as well so even with detachement letting go and moving forward isnt always a final act nor an easy one.

When its your adult child and that child continues to chose active addiction your day to day life your finances and your home life doesnt have to change........your not losing the partnership .............you may be losing sleep and tears and dreams for that childs life but it doesnt have to alter your life on a day to day basis................and detachent is still not any easier or less painful...............

I am both a mother of a 17 and a 19 year old and also the wife of an addict and I can honestly tell you that as a mother..................I wouldnt trade places with the mother of an addict for anything in the world
But as the wife of an addict I can also tell you that .................just because its not my child doesnt mean letting go and moving forward is any less difficult, because frankly in some ways its even more difficult
like you said your child will always be your child

lagrutke

liesagain, good point about it being an adult child. My RAS is 18, I still consider this a child, not an adult child. I do not have the perspective of a parent of an adult child in their late 20's or older.

Again, I am not making this about what is more painful, it all is painful. Perhaps I worded this wrong in my original post. I guess I can't see completely shutting my child out of my life, but I could do this to my spouse for cause.

liesagain

My son is 17 and I have serious concerns some days about the decisions he makes and fears about the ones he will make when he moves out on his own...............but I also have a 19 year old who is on her own and I worry about her just as much and I bet I will even in her 30s

The thing is, I knew from the day that they were born that oneday I would have to "let go", I would have to allow them to make their own decisions. Its not easy but its a fact of life..............and even when the decisions are bad or even horrible decisions they are theres to make...............

Also from the day they were born I began teaching them and raising them knowing all along one day they would venture out and make their own adult lives..............man it sucks and its one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do...............let my daughter move off to college. But This was the plan..............this is what she was suppose to do. And I love her enough to let her do this, I have to because its her life to live not mine.

I think one thing that I noticed in your posts is that you view detachment as shutting a person out of your life JUST "let go" move forward and dont look back..........

I dont think detachment is about shutting a person out of your life, just let go and move forward...............

I think that its much like the "letting go" that has to be done with our children as they become adults ............its acceptance, forgiveness and loving...........its knowing we cant do it for them no matter how desperately we want to
by letting go.............
we allow the person to make their own decisions and we allow tham to make their own mistakes we let them live their life because its not ours to live.
we use detachement to protect ourself from the pain........which means ( to me) that I stop taking his decisions personally I stop trying to control him and trying to live his life...........I stop allowing his addiction to control me.......I try to live my life and make my decisions.......

It hurts to let go as my children grow up and it hurts to let go as my husband struggles with his addiction...............but I dont have to shut any of them out of my life

lagrutke

You make very good points liesagain.

I believe you are correct in that if I could I would shut out this horrible disease. I can't with my son, but I would with my husband if it came to that. But I am very early in my own recovery so this may change. I think I have a lot of history that makes me feel that way right now.

Thanks for your input.

marle

It was far easier for my husband to detach from our daughter than it was for me. Hugs, Marle

sistergldnhair

As a mom of an addicted child, I see that in our case it has been much harder for me to accept and detach than my husband. My husband doesn't suffer a drug addiction, but he has a computer addiction. It has also torn us apart as a family believe it or not. I think I could boot him faster than I could ever boot out my son.
I think it's hard for a mom, because like others have said, they have raised and nurtered this child, and I feel somewhat still responsible for him and what has happened. I also am early in my own recovery, and am still grappling with the advice and lessons of letting go and detachment.
I'm trying BUT IT AIN'T EASY!

Eileen

historyteach

It has been my experience that neither is harder.
My son is a heroin addict; my now ex is addicted to gambling.
Both impacted my life in horrible ways.
Until I learned better.

But, it is a *different* experience when it's your SO and your child.
That doesn't make one experience worse than the other;
Just *different.*

The pain is still there, either way.
Lives and dreams are still crushed.

Shalom!

rozied

I unfortunately have had to deal with both. My 1st husband ( who once I thought I couldn't live without ) was a compulsive gambler. I married him when I was 18. We had a son together. I left him like 9 times the first few yrs, then divorced him. I remarried him, had another son, then 18 months later, divorced him for good. My boys were like 9 and 18months.
Now my oldest son is an addict. I can never divorce him, I am his mother.
Its very hard & misery producing both ways.
All I can do is pray oneday my son gets clean & sober. I just found out a few mts ago my ex went from gambling to drugs & only got clean & sober when he was 58 yrs old. He is now 63 & trying to build some kind of life for himself.
I remarried after 10yrs on my own & just celebrated my 24th Anniversary. I have never been happier in a relationship.

Chino

That speaks to me though I have no experience with addiction in a SO. When my kids were little and played the "do you love him/her more than me" game, I told them I loved them different because they were different. I asked them did they love dad or grandma more than me and they understood.