mendingheart

My abf has been in the program working it for two years. He has been sober for over five. Has anyone experienced the place they can go, that is such a destructive verbal place, and you know it is the disease, not the real person's tongue and thought process of clarity.???. Mine can go into the inner child and refuse to come out, to communicate, and finds the woe is me. I cannot bear the thought of the frustration I feel when this occurs. I know the behavior, and all I can do is detach until the clarity comes, and it passes.
One minute he can be so loving, caring, and grateful. Days later, he thinks all things about me are simply something he cannot manage. Personally, I think he cannot find the tools as an adult to communicate when he is in that place.
He does not know what to do when faced, so he runs and shuts down.
I know the dance, and it will pass. It is the mean time that is the killer.
I know the relationship is strong and we are very much in love....I feel it....
It is like a split person. When he is in this place there is no empathy, no concern for any of my feelings. this simply is not him. I have worked alanon for about eleven years, and we separated for five. I thought he was in a better place, and ready to have an adult relationship. THe fact is, when issues of life press on him, he does not yet have the coping skills, or social skills. Anyone experience this in their mates?

Mendingheart

lizw

I just had to seriously edit my post after rereading yours. Lol.

As far as I understand it, having a relationship with a person who has any kind of addiction issues, sober or not, it will always be a hard road. I am saying this as an alcoholic and a member of Al Anon.

For whatever reason I am an emotional ****** and despite many attempts to have realtionships with other emotional *******, it's never worked. I thought maybe if my own emotional retardness got better (via Al Anon) then it would be easier, but in some ways that made it worse!

I have also learned in the last year that sex is the language of the emotional ******, which in my expereince has also been the truth.
I.e. if we were good in bed then we must've been soul mates etc...
I'm not saying that is your case, just that it was mine.

I have heard many, many, many recoverying couples say things like 'If we don't grow together, we grow apart.'
Dunno if you pray together or anything like that but I've always thought that would be a nice thing to do.

denny57

I think sometimes the behavior has nothing to do with whether someone is alcoholic or not.

Only I can decide if someone's behavior is unacceptable to me. Can you accept him the way he is, right now, today?

Today I don't give anyone a free ride on bad behavior just because they have an addiction, recovering or not.

DII

I agree with Denny. The alcoholic masks their true behavior when under the influence and they can be who the aren't! I believe they are who the are when the are sober not the other way around.

Stubborn1

Have you seen a Dr to find out if maybe he has something else going on? Personallity disorder of some sort? Just a thought.

sailorjohn

OTOH, maybe it is him?

Ago

When I behave a certain way, and I say, "This isn't me, this isn't like me, I never do this" I have to pause, and say, "this is me, this is me in this set of circumstances, this is how I behave with this set of conditions"

I mention that because as long as I bargain with myself or others behaviors, I can't get down to the business of seeing things as they actually are and making decisions based on that, instead I go into some warped fantasy land that is based on "If only this then that"

If only she would....

If only I could....

I have yet to have one single successful anything with that thinking, as long as I am in some "If only" or "she's not really..." I can't see things for what they are, how they are, and the bad news is, that's when I start "getting sick" as in my codie buttons start firing, and in a short period of time I am in a bad way.

This is what/how this is, how can I take care of myself?

The relationships I can do that with are the ones I remain healthy in.

If, by any chance, there might be something actually like "going wrong" with his brain possibly you could take him to "couples counseling" and if there is something "medically wrong" with him it's possible the therapist will spot it.

I can't tell from your post if you are beginning to worry that there may be something medically wrong with him, in which case getting medical help is never a bad idea.

Kimmieh

I agree. This reminds me very much of my mentally ill ex who was not addicted to anything, but would swing like this. I would suggest to see a psychiatrist to check this out.

MissFixit

I am sorry for your situation.

For what it is worth, this sounds very much like my EXABF. He was in the first Gulf War and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. The last few years he has been abusing alcohol (he really has been doing it since he was a teen, but now it is cathcing up with him), and most recently has had a major shift in personality where the loving nice guy is basically gone. He was in rehab 2 1/2 years ago and mentioned when he came out that they believed him to be bi-polar. My mom also is bi-polar and has dramatically shifting moods, but they are nothing like the tidal waves of emotion and chaos that the EXABF has when drinking or coming off a bender.

GiveLove

For a long time, I thought my sober A was the "real" man, and the drunk one was the one I didn't like.

I have since come to realize that he is much more pleasant when he drinks. I had to decide whether I wanted to live with the "real him" -- the one he was, not the one I wished he was, or used to be --

After five years, I think you're seeing what will be seeing for the rest of your life.

Does it work for you?

Freedom1990

This really hit home with me.

Did I do things while drunk that I normally wouldn't do? Certainly.

However, there was a boat load of undesirable attitudes/behaviors long before I picked up that first drink, and they just blossomed full-force when I did start drinking.

Recovery isn't just NOT drinking. Recovery is learning a whole new way to live, including recognizing our character defects and working to change those.

mendingheart

Thank you for all your thoughts. I have decided I cannot live this way. I have tried therapy, independent, couples, alanon, and I simply cannot live in the insanity any longer. Whether the moments are wonderful, the rest simply is not.
May this have helped you in some way....thanks for the great reads.

GiveLove

Hugs, mendingheart. Glad you're taking care of yourself -- I know it's a hard thing, but there are few valuable things in this life that don't involve some risk and courage. Your happiness is worth this effort.

bookwyrm

(((mendingheart))) You really are worth more then this! It sounds as if you tried everything you could. Now to put all that effort into you!:ghug3

Your first post reminded me of a stickie that I have printed out and stuck on my fridge: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-disease.html