jerect

I have been working really hard at detatching from my AH's addiction.. by doing this I mean.. trying not to argue, beg, plead, enable and to just live my life as calmly and peaceful as possible..

The problems is I cannot ever have a meaningful conversation with my AH.. Sometimes issues come up in our marriage that need to be addressed like paying the bills and my AH ends up throwing a temper tantrum and yelling and screaming profanity.. this is when I calmly get up and walk away because I will not tolerate being treated this way.. he reminds me of a child that is not getting his way..

Today, I'm at my wits end. My husband is a server at a very well known Chain.. I find out today that he has been giving up all of his Sunday Shifts so that he can stay home and watch football instead.. right now with the economy as bad as it is, tips are not exactly plentiful and it takes every shift he can work to help make ends meet.. He called me today and told me that he gave up tomorrow nights shift so that we could have the day off together since I'm off because of the holiday.. I did not hide the fact from him that I was livid, livid because today he brought home 38.00, livid because he was conveniantly off Saturday and Sunday.. the two busiest days in the Food Business.. he was off by choice so you guess it, he could watch football..

I'm trying really hard to be the adult but it's hard when it's one sided.. I'm trying hard not to come across as controlling and bossy and basicly acting like his mother but it's hard when he acts like a teenager instead of a 34 year old man...

Does anyone else have any experiance with this.. is this typical with an addict or is it just a case of immaturity on my AH's part.

Freedom1990

So what boundaries do you have for yourself?

cassandra2

I can relate. One of the last money conversations I had with my ex before he left was so childish. Over the course of this addiction he for himself on a tight budget has purchased the following....
1. 700 dollar suit he wore 2x now he cant because he has lost so much weight.
2. WII system he insisted would be good for his back and for the kids.
3. 500 dollars worth of WII games and accessories
4. Not to mention all the frivolous stuff he picks up on whims

So when we had this conversation about money he has the nerve to say to me (the penny pincher) we really need to watch our spending and stop living so high on the hog!!!!!

Ok whatever that is just childish. When I needed a program for the computer and it cost 150 bucks (and this was for my homework I have to do for the dang degree I AM WORKING ON while your high) he says oh we just cant afford that....

That use to burn me up like you wouldnt believe. I was ticked too that the kids couldve had new bikes this summer with that 700 bucks he dropped on a stupid suit.

And yet WE need to watch our spending.......Give me a break.......

Neverwanted

To answer the question of your title for this post - yes. I have felt I was dealing with a toddler.

I remember one time standing in shock and disbelief as he plugged his ears after I walked into the room to continue a conversation - or bitch fest - and he sat down and covered his ears screaming, "I am not listening to you!"

I think that was one of my moments of zen. I was actually silenced for once. It worked for him I guess. I shut up and walked away and later told him to get the f out of my life. This was beyond ridiculous. Sorry but I lost it when it happened. Made me just as insane to be in that relationship.

Callie

OMG - that has pretty much been my life with AH. I've NEVER had a partner that was an equal. He's ALWAYS shifted the responsibilities of adulthood, marriage, raising kids etc. to my side of the court. He's always relied on me to make all of the decisions. Now that he has a few months clean, he is alot more reasonable, though the irresponsibility, childlike quality, laziness is still shining through. I thought it would all be tied to drugs...maybe I was wrong.

It is ridiculous trying to deal with someone in active addiction. I could reason with my 7 year old better than I could with him.

jerect

My boundaries are

not to argue, beg or plead with him

Absolutley no drugs around me or in my house

I will not ride in his truck, even if it is in a life or death situation.. (it's where he keeps his drugs since I wont allow them in my house)

just an added note.. He started on suboxone about three weeks ago along with the drug seroquill.. but he still smokes pot everyday and he still drinks but not as much as he was.. still one beer is one beer to many when you are an addict.. Suboxone and seroquill for that matter is not cheap, it kills me to see him taking these drugs but yet still smoking weed.. This just shows me that he his not serious about getting clean... I'm keeping my mouth shut though.. cause honestly it's like dealing with a child

BayAreaPhoenix

The Triangle of Self Obsession IP that they have in the NA rooms explains this very well. We are dealing with the mentality of an adolescent.

Keep your boundaries, working on you, etc. All the things you're doing. It will be clear to him that way what your expecatations are, and for you too.

(((hugs)))

Neverwanted

Anvil - I wondered what the future held for those that go into recovery -

addicts do tend to live in dream worlds, even after they quit using.


Is this something that does not change or is this temporary? Does amount of time age and drug influence the outcome?

Alaia

Tell him to DVR the games and watch them after he gets home from work.

imallright

Somebody here said, "I thought it was all related to the drugs...it is. IMO, the drugs alter and stunt maturity... so that even if the addict stops using, he "can't catch up" and is stuck in this unreal, immature world. Take care of you. My experience is that this won't change.

sistergldnhair

my AS is 23. He is my first born and I swear, could not find his way out of a paper bag. When he got to detox, it was "I don't want to be here, I"m leaving.blah, blah...so they told him...go ahead, leave...I knew he wouldn't..he would not know where to start. My middle son, who is 20, although a free spirit, totally different personality, is very resourceful, and I told my friend, that if he was the one who was there, I would've opened my door and he would be there. He is much more mature than AS.
I thought I read or heard somewhere that the drug use will pretty much stop their emotional/mental development at the age when they start using. Is this right? It's what I am seeing in my son.

BayAreaPhoenix

I think this is OK to put this link in here, but if not, I'll count on the moderators to delete it.

Here is a link to the NA IP (Information Pamphlet) called The Triangle of Self Obsession - it's not a long one. My friend/boss that brought me to both the Alanon and NA rooms when I found out about my AH's addiction problem had me read this right away - he felt it answered a lot of the questions I was having at the time, which were along the lines of what this thread is about.

http://www.na.org/pdf/litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3112.pdf

Tryingtobefree

Every day. I feel I can talk more sense with my teenage nephew sometimes

As other people have said - I do believe that they stop maturing at the age they start using. Mine can be very stubborn, even when he knows he's wrong, and actually makes statements like "I'm not going to do it just because you told me to" when asked to do simple, adult responsibility type things. It's ridiculous when I really think about it.

jerect

I have read this a few times myself.. I wonder if they stop using and begain working a program will their maturity change? Will they grow up and take responsibility or will they always be childlike?

Neverwanted

Ty to all. I wondered what the future held in recovery. That was a long post and it was very insightful, Anvil. Helped me see it from your POV TY

SadlyLost

Oh lord yes. Especially in arguments...he lashes out and calls me names, curses, etc... and then he says my "nagging" made him do it. Its at the point where I told him if he does it again, to leave which of course sets him off all over again. Eventually he does apologize but it drives me nuts in the moment.