sknyfats

Ok - it's official: My formerly ex-AGF is again my AGF. I have a question - because I'm not 100% comfortable with things this time around.

For those of who have been in relationships with someone addicted, for a long time . . .

Is the very fact that I'm in the relationship with them "enabling" them?

I'm trying to make sense of things - but my head spins when I do that.

From everything I've seen & read - it would sound like, yes - right now, I'm not a person she loves; I'm not "helping" her - and if anything, I'm helping her continue down the path she's on.

From everything I've seen & read - if I want her to reach "rock bottom"; if I truly love her - that I'd have to tell her "Honey - I know you're not ready NOW to quit the drugs & as long as you use drugs - and hurt yourself, I can no longer be in your life" - and walk away & hope for the best.

But - it's not that black & white.

Am I wrong to believe that my being in her life can't help her pull herself out of the life she's been living? That our relationship can't be a tool she can use to help her find her way? That gives a little strength? I know SHE has to want to make changes - and then MAKE those changes. But does it REALLY have to happen "alone"?

This is just so complex. I've seen/heard all of the "run. run away fast", "...an addict doesn't love themselves - so they can't possibly love you", and plenty more in some people's comments & in stickies. I think those are all well & good when "we" are suffering & hurting because of something that happened with our addict. But what about when we feel "hope"? When that light is shining on us & our A's? What is the positive way to go about things?

I guess I have a hard time believing that the only road to recovery for an addict is through negative actions & consequences - and that seems to be the theme here. Surely there must be a way through positive change & influence to overcome problems like these - no???

**I'm not trying to be confrontational or rile anyone up by anything I've said. I'm just trying to make sense of my situation...

cassandra2

I feel your pain and I really feel your desire to help your gf but your not.
Drugs are not games and therefore NO GOOD CONSEQUENCES will ever come from drugs. People dont quit using drugs because they were so damn good to them.

In order for addicts to want to get help they HAVE to hit a place they feel they can go no lower. They have to WANT it just as BAD as you do.

My exabf is addicted to pain pills and I believe has advanced into other drugs. I kicked him out of our home a month ago. It was the most painful thing that I have EVER done in my life. But I knew that I could not live that way not one more day. I found out later that that was probably the BEST thing I could have done for him.

As long as there is a place where they feel safe, their needs are being met, they are getting what they want there is no incentive to get clean. Hell, there isnt even a problem with drugs.

I cant tell you what to do but I can answer yes you are enabling her behavior to continue. If you love her then let her go. Let her figure it out on her own. You arent gonna save her. She isnt gonna wake up one day and say "Today is so great I think I'm gonna go get help". Read the posts on here of why addicts went and got help. They are NOT pretty stories.

As long as your gf remains an addict what kind of relationship do you have with her? I know I have been there its not fun. It still isnt fun. To hear the mean and nasty things come out of his mouth breaks my heart but I still have hope that one day he will see what he has done and try to change it.

It is that black/white. You will be dragged down into the depths of hell with her if you stay. You will sacrafice alot for her and her drugs and then if she does go and get help she may decide she doesnt want the relationship anymore anyway. Then where are you? Love her from a distance but LOVE YOURSELF MORE. No that in the end you only have you. I felt like I was turning into someone I once was when my ex lived here. I didnt want to become that person again.

I fought to hard to be where I am today and I am not gonna let a drug addict drag me and my kids down with him. PRESERVE YOURSELF AT ALL COSTS!!!!

Freedom1990

Denial, and it ain't a river in Egypt either. 'Nuf said.

NeedingHelp7

I don't blame you for not feeling comfortable, but at least you are here searching for answers.


It's not easy being in love w/ an addict. I know right now is the honeymoon stage again (been there done that), and everything "looks" lovely. If she hasn't committed to a plan of recovery....you are going to have a very chaotic unmanageable woman on your hands. It's hard enough keeping a normal relationship together, when you put an "active" addict in the midst of a relationship, well you know the outcome, or soon you will know.

If you don't want to be dragged down to rock bottom w/ her. If you "choose" to continue w/ her for now before making another decision, I would at least keep some boundaries. Such as never give her money, do not pay her bills, hide your wallet and credit cards, don't let her use your cell phone because she may call drug dealers w/ it, don't take her calls if she's high, don't bail her out of anything (these would all be considered enabling behaviors.) These are just a few protectors for yourself.

Have you tried Alanon or Naranon meetings?

NH7

jerect

This is so very very true....

you cannot and will not ever have a normal relationship with an addict that is using.. don't even try because you will only cause yourself much misery, pain and heartache...

marle

My brother once loved a crack addict. It was only years later that he saw the insanity in trying to save her. Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

I think every one of us, at some point, believed or continue to believe that we could/can love and support our addict into sobriety. We all came to this special place believing that our situation was somehow different and that we were going to have a different outcome.

If all it took was love and support, none of us would be here.

outtolunch

The makings of true romance.......

lizw

I probably have a different opinion to most in the sense that if it ain't her, it would probably just be someone else with other addictions problems, so why not stay with the addict you know (if you want) and sort your own issues out.

One way to begin this would be to ask yourself the question am I in this relationship because I love her or am I in this relationship because I feel sorry for her and think I can save her?

A further way to help yourself would be to read up about enabling behavior so you can begin to elimate it from your own life.

Personally I don't think staying in a alcoholic/addictive relationship is 'enabling behavior' but I do think trying to end a relationship with someone because you think it will cause them to reach rock bottom, is not only arrogant (what makes us so important that it would cause this??) but also controlling. I'd probably label it game playing.

You would probably find some great support in Al Anon and/or Nar Anon as they offer support regardless of your relationship status.

Ann

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

That isn't to say that staying or leaving is right for you, only you know what is right for you. But if you are staying for the purpose of saving her, be careful you don't lose yourself in the process.

Hugs and prayers for both of you.

Neverwanted

NH


WHEW...Im tired already. SO MUCH work....to love and stay involved with an addict.

Im not judging but when reading the necessary boundaries it makes me so worn out. TY for the post. The OP has some valid great questions.

jerect

Thats because it is a lot of work, a lot of exhausting back breaking work that is very one sided

genrs123

Sknyfats,

I understand your desire to get back together with your AXGF. When I broke up with mine, the only reason we didnt get back together, I believe is because HE didnt want to. I went through the emotions of grief- which includes bargaining... and thought i could make it work if i was just a better girlfriend.

The reason people would say run run run it isn't that we dont have hope or a positive light on us. We probably all have those things (or did at one time, ha). The reason is because of -experience- of pain, of heartbreak. Even though it is your choice and you have to learn for yourself, as I did despite everyone telling me, we still want to share our experience.

I have come to realize that no relationship is healthy when you are with an addict. You will never be treated fairly, because their whole focus on life and their needs involve something you can not provide or be a part of (unless you use too). EVEN if they treat you right, watching your loved one destroy their life is painful, painful, painful. especially when you realize there is -nothing- you can do to get them out of quicksand. i hope you dont go down too.

i love my alcoholic ex and i am thankful i have this board to remind me of why i am not with him, even though it hurts and i am not quite there yet. read some posts, keep asking questions. hopefully you will get one of those AHA moments.

lizw

I think love does save our addicts but just not the type we as family members and partners have to give.

Just like them though, we also have to learn we can't love people in a healthy way either, until we learn to love ourselves.

I think sometimes it is easy to buy into the we vrs them (the A's).
It's easier to be angry than it is to cry and be sad and feel totally powerless but at the end of the day (addict or not) we're all beautiful children of God.

8

Even my crazy sister who yesterday I wanted to strangle. You know at one she was just the little kid who wanted to hang out with me and my older sister cause she thought we were cool and she looked up to us. Now she's got 2 of her kids living at my parents, has welfare heavily involved in her life, married to a guy who beats her and she believes her 3 child is going to fix her situation.
It's just awful but I accept there is nothing I can do for her. She certainly is beyond my help but that doesn't change the fact that I love her and feel sad for her kids too.

sknyfats

Thanks for the response's everybody. There's definitely a lot for me to ponder.

No - she's not in ANY way in any type of "recovery" right now. However, she's been making changes - not for me - but for her - to at least "lessen the load" of her drug use. While that's "promising" & "hopeful" - I know it's a far cry from wanting to become clean & sober.

I believe she believes she can work on kicking her perc addiction & still use other drugs recreationally - even though just over the last couple weeks, she knew full well she was doing "too much coke" and stepped back from that. If I had to guess, her "plan" is to get rid of one habit first - the percs; then work out all of the other drugs 1 at a time, until she's only smoking pot. I know - not a great plan, but I think that's "where she is at" right now. She definitely does NOT want to go to any rehab ever again.

She's growing tired of all of the wheeling & dealing to find the next hook up. She's tired of people calling & texting her with the "ya got any?", "can ya get any?". She's tired of all the drama that seems to surround almost everyone that is in that "circle" of fellow user's. She's getting tired of her body flipping out when she's gone without a pill for too long. She's getting tired of wasting so much money - and she's sat down & figured out how much she's blowing on the drugs. She's getting tired of her nose running, the headaches or sneezing attacks from "bad stuff" - or the achy nose/sinus's from having done too much for too long. And, since her one friend died (OD'd) - she's scared of her own fate. She even said around that time "How do you know "which line", or "which pill" is going to be THE ONE?" - that takes her life away from her. She doesn't want to die. She likes life.

These are all things she's said. Frequently - to me - completely unsolicited. Has it all been enough to make her stop? No. And, I don't think I'm being naive - but I believe that I am a person that's been giving her a pretty unique experience in her life - especially with "all of this" - and that our relationship has been very helpful to her. I think she's "got her eye on the prize" - wants a secure, stable life & relationship - with children - and knows that cannot happen if she continues using.

Honestly - I haven't "told" her that. I haven't given her any ultimatums. I do a lot of listening to her. And I think she does a lot of "watching me" - and feels comfortable that she can talk about & share her desires with wanting to change her life. She feels safe with me. She recognizes that I'm healthy to be with.

By the same token - I think she also feels guilt, especially when she tells me one day how she wants to kick this or that - and the next day - she's partying like a rock star. I believe that is part of what drove us apart this last time. And, it took her a little while - but she realized that she was not doing the right thing for herself. I don't believe she think's she "needs" me; rather, she wants me. And knows that if she wants me to stay in her life - or wants to achieve certain goals that include me, that she has work to do. I still have faith in her. And I'm not one to hold a lot of faith in anyone or anything. So that speaks to me.

I'm not trying to save her or fix her. I've asked myself that question many times. And I honestly believe my answer.

I know no relationship is easy. And I know that putting an addict in the mix compounds the potential for problems greatly.

I know I love her. I believe for good, valid reasons. For "real" reasons. We're both pretty smart & have done "work" on ourselves. That type of work is never ever done - and we obviously have a lot more to do on ourselves. I know there's probably a reason within me that drew me to her & keeps me here; just as she knows full well that her drug use is her coping mechanism for dealing with pain/problems in her. Funny how intelligent adults can "not do the right thing" - even though they know full well what "the right thing" is sometimes.

Can we work on ourselves while we're together? Maybe. Maybe not. Obviously - while things are good (yes, we're probably in the honeymoon phase right now) - I feel optimistic. That's why these forums are so good. When things go south again, I'll be able to come back here - re-read my posts and all of your comments - and hopefully come closer to determining if I should continue to stay or go.

I'm not one to make any decisions about anything "overnight" - and this is no exception.

I guess I just realized that, ultimately, my concern shouldn't really be about whether or not "I'm" enabling her. That is turning things back around to "me" - and I know I didn't cause, can't cure, & can't control her addiction or problems. I need to keep my focus on "me" - and do what is best for me. If I can live my life free of addiction or dependance on any person, drug or object - than that's what I should do.

What a tough place to find myself - in love with a drug addict.

genrs123

sknyfats,

addiction is compulsive. if it was a matter of just not wanting to do it, of not wanting to die, maybe millions of people wouldnt be addicts.

addiction it seems like isnt something you can bargain, like just smoking pot, or just having a drink at the bar on the 3rd tuesday of month. theres no stopping it, until it stops. ALL of it. by -actively- working on recovery seems the only way, and even then it is difficult.

addiction brought a lot of things to my relationship, none of them id call fun or good times for the sober partner.what kind of a relationship do you have when you cant do normal things or lead a normal relationship because they are completely consumed or effected by their addiction? For example, we could never go on a trip, because XABF didnt have any money, he spent it on drugs / booze, and worked 2 jobs to support his habbit . despite this, he was also in debt (due to money he owed people, and also not being able to pay his rent). all this drama, not a lot of fun.

even when we did have fun or i wasnt stressed out worrying abuot where he was, or who he was with. . .
and our intimacy was greatly diminished, because it seems wrong when was sooo wasted he may not even remember. on my part, and on his- this seemed distasteful and not at all an honor to the bond we once had when we could respect each other as people, before the people we turned into (me -codependent, him- an alcoholic). this would make me feel like i was using him and also it seems unfair to me to not have a partner who is "checked in" in our most intimate moments.