the right thing to say
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
the right thing to say
Friends,
My son is adjusting fairly well to his halfway house. Today begins 11 months clean for him. I am very hopeful. He was able to find work at $8.00 per hour and he feels very discouraged about the pay scale. He has no record (regarding jail etc.) and he also holds a college degree. He is correct when he stated to me that at $8.00 an hour there aren't enough days in the week to make enough to pay for rehab. etc. I could tell he was very discouraged. So how do we as parents say something encouraging especially in this poor job market?
I basically told him that this job would be his beginning or entry level. To continue to look for something else. He agreed to work and look. He thought about a second job too along with this one but the halfway house has strict rules on meetings and hours so that really isn't an option.
I finally told him that the $$$ wasn't the highest priority that his living a clean and sober life was. I told him until things looked better we'd come up with the balance as long as we got some feedback from his counselor and the lines of communication were kept open.
I really cannot see what good it would do to withdraw support for this month if he has a job , is doing as he should. He is working every day saving his $$$ for his monthly bill. It just isn't enough. So am I doing the right thing assisting him? There are just so many bills coming due to keep him in recovery. He is doing well. I absolutely know in my heart he is not ready or strong enough to do this without living in a structured environment and that constant support.
Do you have any suggestions for me? I'd surely appreciate them.
Sincerely, Dixied
My son is adjusting fairly well to his halfway house. Today begins 11 months clean for him. I am very hopeful. He was able to find work at $8.00 per hour and he feels very discouraged about the pay scale. He has no record (regarding jail etc.) and he also holds a college degree. He is correct when he stated to me that at $8.00 an hour there aren't enough days in the week to make enough to pay for rehab. etc. I could tell he was very discouraged. So how do we as parents say something encouraging especially in this poor job market?
I basically told him that this job would be his beginning or entry level. To continue to look for something else. He agreed to work and look. He thought about a second job too along with this one but the halfway house has strict rules on meetings and hours so that really isn't an option.
I finally told him that the $$$ wasn't the highest priority that his living a clean and sober life was. I told him until things looked better we'd come up with the balance as long as we got some feedback from his counselor and the lines of communication were kept open.
I really cannot see what good it would do to withdraw support for this month if he has a job , is doing as he should. He is working every day saving his $$$ for his monthly bill. It just isn't enough. So am I doing the right thing assisting him? There are just so many bills coming due to keep him in recovery. He is doing well. I absolutely know in my heart he is not ready or strong enough to do this without living in a structured environment and that constant support.
Do you have any suggestions for me? I'd surely appreciate them.
Sincerely, Dixied
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Dixie, we all struggle with the line between helping and codepending. IMHO, in this case with your son working, going to meetings, etc...taking all the right steps, I would help him out. It's what I'd do and have done with my AS.
Let him know though that this help is only as long as he's doing the right stuff. I wish my son could find any job...it's real tough right now.
Prayers for you and your family.
Let him know though that this help is only as long as he's doing the right stuff. I wish my son could find any job...it's real tough right now.
Prayers for you and your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
thanks dad for your support. I do realize that the minute he doesn't adhere to the rules and such then that puts a different light on things for sure.
he is so bright and a good person . I really think I am grieving for the life that I had wished and hoped for him. I taught him better. I know for a fact I instilled in him the kind of places he should/should not go. How or why he chose to ignore the way he was reared I do not know. I do know I would have laid down my life and said there was no way my son was a drug addict. That's how cunning and smart my son was in hiding things. No one in our family had a clue. He had some medical problems such as restless leg syndrome and when he appeared listless we attributed that to a bad night's sleep. When we saw him as addled or forgetful we attributed that to documented ADHD. So many things worked against us in recognizing the problem.
he is still very secretive about how all of this came about (the drug use) and our communication is still sketchy in certain areas...........sort of like not addressing the elephant that's in the room, you know?
Anyway, I guess I am a mom that really feels sadness that her child didn't experience the life she had dreamed for her child.
Thanks for letting me put it into words............dixied
he is so bright and a good person . I really think I am grieving for the life that I had wished and hoped for him. I taught him better. I know for a fact I instilled in him the kind of places he should/should not go. How or why he chose to ignore the way he was reared I do not know. I do know I would have laid down my life and said there was no way my son was a drug addict. That's how cunning and smart my son was in hiding things. No one in our family had a clue. He had some medical problems such as restless leg syndrome and when he appeared listless we attributed that to a bad night's sleep. When we saw him as addled or forgetful we attributed that to documented ADHD. So many things worked against us in recognizing the problem.
he is still very secretive about how all of this came about (the drug use) and our communication is still sketchy in certain areas...........sort of like not addressing the elephant that's in the room, you know?
Anyway, I guess I am a mom that really feels sadness that her child didn't experience the life she had dreamed for her child.
Thanks for letting me put it into words............dixied
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You know, 8.00 an hour is above average pay here where I live.
I realize it's different from region to region. My youngest AD makes 6.50 an hour as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. She puts all her tip/commission money right back in the gas tank every night. At least gas has dropped to an amazing $1.92 a gallon here.
Most level entry jobs here pay 6.50 an hour unless you start at the factory, and I think they start at around 11.00 an hour.
I realize it's different from region to region. My youngest AD makes 6.50 an hour as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. She puts all her tip/commission money right back in the gas tank every night. At least gas has dropped to an amazing $1.92 a gallon here.
Most level entry jobs here pay 6.50 an hour unless you start at the factory, and I think they start at around 11.00 an hour.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
It was very difficult for me to accept the both my sons had the disease of addiction. And it is a disease. They didn't choose to get it anymore than I chose to get diabetes. I was told that if addiction wasn't a disease - insurance companies wouldn't be paying for any treatment. That kind of got my attention. And there is a possible genetic component to addiction - and if you shake my family trees the addicts and alcoholics fall out.
Today I would take drug addiction/alcoholism over cancer any day. Addiction is treatable, and it is a pretty good life for both my sons in recovery. They have become men with good marriages and children - and they live a life based on the steps in their recovery programs. I am so very proud of both of them.
They are living the life - with the morals and values that I taught them - in their recovery. It was impossible as long as they were in the middle of their addiction - they would do and say anything to get drugs. The pull to drugs was much more important than their relationship with me - I was taught that that is just a fact of drug addiction.
The above sounds good - 25 years later and a zillion Alanon meetings - is all it took for me to become a believer!
Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou
Today I would take drug addiction/alcoholism over cancer any day. Addiction is treatable, and it is a pretty good life for both my sons in recovery. They have become men with good marriages and children - and they live a life based on the steps in their recovery programs. I am so very proud of both of them.
They are living the life - with the morals and values that I taught them - in their recovery. It was impossible as long as they were in the middle of their addiction - they would do and say anything to get drugs. The pull to drugs was much more important than their relationship with me - I was taught that that is just a fact of drug addiction.
The above sounds good - 25 years later and a zillion Alanon meetings - is all it took for me to become a believer!
Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Tell your son he should be proud of what he as done so far. It may not be a good paying job but it is a job and he can still be in a clean sober living. So many other people take the easy way out. Or make excusses why they can not find a job or why they did not take that job. He did not do that he took a job and is trying to do the right thing. Just let him know that you will help him out if he keeps up the good work. I would hate to see him relapse do to not being able to pay for the help.
YOu are doing the right thing, just help him out until he gets on his feet more.
YOu are doing the right thing, just help him out until he gets on his feet more.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I think paying for the recovery (or helping,) is not a bad idea at all. You can probably pay directly to the facility? That way, you know it's going where it needs to go.
And awesome for him to be sober that long and have a job. Will send good job vibes to him in hopes that he gets a good opportunity soon.
:ghug2
And awesome for him to be sober that long and have a job. Will send good job vibes to him in hopes that he gets a good opportunity soon.
:ghug2
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I am always willing to help with things related to recovery, but I also have to remind myself not to do for my daughter what she can do for herself. If you just keep that in mind, then things will be easier to figure out. Remember that your son found a way when he wanted the drugs. Now he must find the way to stay sober and move forward in life. When he gets down he is probably kicking himself mentally for the things he did that got him where he is today. That is his burden to bear not yours. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Dixied))
My dad helped me pay my fine off to get out of the diversion center, because no matter how much I worked (I also had strict rules against 2 jobs), there was no way I could pay off the fine..and the rent/bus card, etc.
I started paying him back as soon as I got out.
I have 2 assoc. degrees and am making $3.13/hr plus tips. I didn't LIKE it at first, but I've gotten pretty darn good at managing money, and he will, too. We have to start somewhere, and right now, focusing on his recovery is the most important thing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My dad helped me pay my fine off to get out of the diversion center, because no matter how much I worked (I also had strict rules against 2 jobs), there was no way I could pay off the fine..and the rent/bus card, etc.
I started paying him back as soon as I got out.
I have 2 assoc. degrees and am making $3.13/hr plus tips. I didn't LIKE it at first, but I've gotten pretty darn good at managing money, and he will, too. We have to start somewhere, and right now, focusing on his recovery is the most important thing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
Dixied: I totally understand and identify with your mourning of your son. It's like mourning someone who is still alive but your dreams for them have died. I am in the same place with my son. He is 23 and is getting out of a 90 day rehab Weds and we are looking for a halfway house, sober house for him. He's lost his job, license, enrollment in school and may return to jail after his 12/5 court date for his 2nd DWI- not really what I had in mind while raising him!
I think it's perfectly ok to support your son in his recovery. I have to really watch myself though because I tend to do too much for my son and try to make all his decisions for him. I know that is wrong but it's like an unconscious action on my part. It just seems so SIMPLE and CLEAR to me what he should do but guess what....this is his life not mine- so I must remind myself constantly.
I think $8 an hour is just fine as a start. There is a book that was written recently about this advertising bigwig that fell on hard times in NYC and went from being really wealthy to working at Starbucks- naturally i can't remember the name of it= but it was very enlightening as he describes his return to good old fashioned hard work and the value he found in that. Of course now he's a millionaire again since Tom Hanks bought the rights to his best selling book!!
I think it's perfectly ok to support your son in his recovery. I have to really watch myself though because I tend to do too much for my son and try to make all his decisions for him. I know that is wrong but it's like an unconscious action on my part. It just seems so SIMPLE and CLEAR to me what he should do but guess what....this is his life not mine- so I must remind myself constantly.
I think $8 an hour is just fine as a start. There is a book that was written recently about this advertising bigwig that fell on hard times in NYC and went from being really wealthy to working at Starbucks- naturally i can't remember the name of it= but it was very enlightening as he describes his return to good old fashioned hard work and the value he found in that. Of course now he's a millionaire again since Tom Hanks bought the rights to his best selling book!!
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