Looking for advice on dating from those in recovery!
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Looking for advice on dating from those in recovery!
Hello all!
Well I decided it is time to get back out there. I don't want a committed relationship right now, but just a bit of fun, meet new people and have some experiences. A girl needs a life right!?
Anyway, I have talked with a few people and I have had one date with a guy I met via the internet. Now I know many people are put off by Internet dating as there are many dangers etc, this thread is not about that. I know that dangers and I am being careful rest assured!
The guy I met seemed to me a nice person, we spoke via email at first and then text messages and lastly phone calls over a period of a few weeks.
However (you knew it was coming!) when we went out for Sunday lunch, I noticed red flags about him such as he seemed pre-occupied with drinking and was disrespectful toward me, called me a lightweight because I did not want to drink alcohol; also made a comment on my asking him questions about himself and told me ''you will have to stop that''. He confessed he had lost his driver's license for repeatedly drink driving, and continously tried to bully me into doing what he wanted.
I told him that call me what he may, I will not go on with him to another bar (which he asked at the end of the meal), I do not appreciate being told what to do, and being made to drink when I do not want to. I told him I was going home and did so.
Now I feel that I have come a long way in learning what I want from a person in a relationship, not allowing myself to be treated poorly etc. I am very pleased with myself for recognising the red flags and not getting involved with this guy, mostly for having the courage to say what I did to him.
I would like to get some hints and tips for dating on line. how do I word my description etc to attract the right person and not more immature control freaks? I know my confidence and self worth are much higher than a year ago, but I am still finding this type of person!
Appreciate any help
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well I decided it is time to get back out there. I don't want a committed relationship right now, but just a bit of fun, meet new people and have some experiences. A girl needs a life right!?
Anyway, I have talked with a few people and I have had one date with a guy I met via the internet. Now I know many people are put off by Internet dating as there are many dangers etc, this thread is not about that. I know that dangers and I am being careful rest assured!
The guy I met seemed to me a nice person, we spoke via email at first and then text messages and lastly phone calls over a period of a few weeks.
However (you knew it was coming!) when we went out for Sunday lunch, I noticed red flags about him such as he seemed pre-occupied with drinking and was disrespectful toward me, called me a lightweight because I did not want to drink alcohol; also made a comment on my asking him questions about himself and told me ''you will have to stop that''. He confessed he had lost his driver's license for repeatedly drink driving, and continously tried to bully me into doing what he wanted.
I told him that call me what he may, I will not go on with him to another bar (which he asked at the end of the meal), I do not appreciate being told what to do, and being made to drink when I do not want to. I told him I was going home and did so.
Now I feel that I have come a long way in learning what I want from a person in a relationship, not allowing myself to be treated poorly etc. I am very pleased with myself for recognising the red flags and not getting involved with this guy, mostly for having the courage to say what I did to him.
I would like to get some hints and tips for dating on line. how do I word my description etc to attract the right person and not more immature control freaks? I know my confidence and self worth are much higher than a year ago, but I am still finding this type of person!
Appreciate any help
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Good for you on recognizing the red flags. As I read your post, I related to it because I am just about ready to try some casual dates. Kind of like the 12 steps...I am admitting I am ready _ just not able to take action yet!!
Anyway, as I was reading your post I thought, "She is getting to practice her new skills on this guy. She is getting to she how strong she is, capable of expressing her needs in a healthy way, and she is taking a risk." Well done Lily!
As I said, I am not actually dating yet so I have no ESH. But I had an idea. Perhaps a line about "healthy lifestyle" would work. Good Luck and keep us posted.
Anyway, as I was reading your post I thought, "She is getting to practice her new skills on this guy. She is getting to she how strong she is, capable of expressing her needs in a healthy way, and she is taking a risk." Well done Lily!
As I said, I am not actually dating yet so I have no ESH. But I had an idea. Perhaps a line about "healthy lifestyle" would work. Good Luck and keep us posted.
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
On the site I have found a quiz for potentials to answer. So far I've come up with these questions, some are more probing than others
Opinions are welcome!
Are you more a car person (yes) or do you use public transport (no)?
Could you imagine not having children?
Could you let a week go by without having any news of your mother?
Do you think that money is there to be spent (yes) or to be saved (no)?
Do you think we should always have exactly the same opinions about everything?
Does mountain climbing frighten you?
For household chores, are you more 'order-giver' (yes) or 'doer' (no)?
I have a very diverse group of friends (languages, religions, tastes), what about you?
Is marriage very important to you?
Is owning property an aim in your life?
We have invited our friends for an evening at our home, some people want to smoke, I suggest that they go outside when they need a cigarette. Do you agree with this principle?
When you don't know where you're going it's a good idea to think about where you come from, do you agree?
Would you be able to spend an entire weekend at home reading?
Do you prefer to be looked after and pampered (yes) or to stand on your own two feet (no)?
Is the reason you are single because your past partners were the wrong people (yes) or is it that you could have been a better partner (no)?
Do you believe that we are who we are and we cannot change?
Are you still fiends with your ex partner(s)?
After a long day at work what would relax you best, having an alcoholic drink (yes) or listening to music (no)?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Opinions are welcome!
Are you more a car person (yes) or do you use public transport (no)?
Could you imagine not having children?
Could you let a week go by without having any news of your mother?
Do you think that money is there to be spent (yes) or to be saved (no)?
Do you think we should always have exactly the same opinions about everything?
Does mountain climbing frighten you?
For household chores, are you more 'order-giver' (yes) or 'doer' (no)?
I have a very diverse group of friends (languages, religions, tastes), what about you?
Is marriage very important to you?
Is owning property an aim in your life?
We have invited our friends for an evening at our home, some people want to smoke, I suggest that they go outside when they need a cigarette. Do you agree with this principle?
When you don't know where you're going it's a good idea to think about where you come from, do you agree?
Would you be able to spend an entire weekend at home reading?
Do you prefer to be looked after and pampered (yes) or to stand on your own two feet (no)?
Is the reason you are single because your past partners were the wrong people (yes) or is it that you could have been a better partner (no)?
Do you believe that we are who we are and we cannot change?
Are you still fiends with your ex partner(s)?
After a long day at work what would relax you best, having an alcoholic drink (yes) or listening to music (no)?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
My description thus far reads as follows....
I am 28. I have one daughter and I am very close to my family who I love dearly and who bring me a lot of joy.
I have recently returned to college to study accountancy.
I like to keep busy and so I also have many hobbies, my passion being music.
I am a little quirky and have a great sense of fun, still young at heart!
I would like to expand my circle of friends and meet people who will add to the fun in my life.
Any psychologists in the house who want to point out if i am hitting any no no's here?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am 28. I have one daughter and I am very close to my family who I love dearly and who bring me a lot of joy.
I have recently returned to college to study accountancy.
I like to keep busy and so I also have many hobbies, my passion being music.
I am a little quirky and have a great sense of fun, still young at heart!
I would like to expand my circle of friends and meet people who will add to the fun in my life.
Any psychologists in the house who want to point out if i am hitting any no no's here?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
My description thus far reads as follows....
I am 28. I have one daughter and I am very close to my family who I love dearly and who bring me a lot of joy.
I have recently returned to college to study accountancy.
I like to keep busy and so I also have many hobbies, my passion being music.
I am a little quirky and have a great sense of fun, still young at heart!
I would like to expand my circle of friends and meet people who will add to the fun in my life.
Any psychologists in the house who want to point out if i am hitting any no no's here?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am 28. I have one daughter and I am very close to my family who I love dearly and who bring me a lot of joy.
I have recently returned to college to study accountancy.
I like to keep busy and so I also have many hobbies, my passion being music.
I am a little quirky and have a great sense of fun, still young at heart!
I would like to expand my circle of friends and meet people who will add to the fun in my life.
Any psychologists in the house who want to point out if i am hitting any no no's here?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You're 28, Lily!!!
That's young all around!
I think you sound like a great girl - I want to be your friend!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I think that most online profiles are too generic. I would encourage you to share a little bit of what makes you unique. What is it about accountancy that intrigues you? What kind of music are you passionate about and why? What is it that makes you "quirky?" What does "fun" mean to you?
Having said that, there is no way that I know of to discourage attracting the "wrong" types. Just as in real life, you will come across healthy and not-so-healthy people. You did great in recognizing the red flags and determining that this person was not who you want to spend more time with. I'm sure you will get more opportunities to practice your recovery.
Remember to trust your gut feelings and you will be fine.
One thing I found is that I tend to look at the good points in order to justify the bad. People are not always as blatantly controlling as the one you encountered. Sometimes it's more subtle and many times there are enough positives that it can be easy to overlook the red flags. That is where you must listen to your inner guidance.
Good luck and have fun. It takes courage to put yourself out there again.
L
Having said that, there is no way that I know of to discourage attracting the "wrong" types. Just as in real life, you will come across healthy and not-so-healthy people. You did great in recognizing the red flags and determining that this person was not who you want to spend more time with. I'm sure you will get more opportunities to practice your recovery.
Remember to trust your gut feelings and you will be fine. One thing I found is that I tend to look at the good points in order to justify the bad. People are not always as blatantly controlling as the one you encountered. Sometimes it's more subtle and many times there are enough positives that it can be easy to overlook the red flags. That is where you must listen to your inner guidance.
Good luck and have fun. It takes courage to put yourself out there again.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hey Lily - glad you are taking the chance (also glad you're back :-) )
FWIW, my cousin just married a man she met on line. He's terrific, and so is she. I had another friend who did the same about 8 years ago, so I believe it is possible to meet someone that way.
What are the other questions - for him or you? Is it you who likes to be pampered, give orders re housecleaning and not save money?
FWIW, my cousin just married a man she met on line. He's terrific, and so is she. I had another friend who did the same about 8 years ago, so I believe it is possible to meet someone that way.
What are the other questions - for him or you? Is it you who likes to be pampered, give orders re housecleaning and not save money?
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123
..Kind of like the 12 steps...I am admitting I am ready _ just not able to take action yet!!
Anyway, as I was reading your post I thought, "She is getting to practice her new skills on this guy. She is getting to she how strong she is, capable of expressing her needs in a healthy way, and she is taking a risk." Well done Lily!.
Anyway, as I was reading your post I thought, "She is getting to practice her new skills on this guy. She is getting to she how strong she is, capable of expressing her needs in a healthy way, and she is taking a risk." Well done Lily!.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by denny57
Hey Lily - glad you are taking the chance (also glad you're back :-) )
FWIW, my cousin just married a man she met on line. He's terrific, and so is she. I had another friend who did the same about 8 years ago, so I believe it is possible to meet someone that way.
What are the other questions - for him or you? Is it you who likes to be pampered, give orders re housecleaning and not save money?
FWIW, my cousin just married a man she met on line. He's terrific, and so is she. I had another friend who did the same about 8 years ago, so I believe it is possible to meet someone that way.
What are the other questions - for him or you? Is it you who likes to be pampered, give orders re housecleaning and not save money?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS thanks for welcoming me back! I have missed you guys!
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I'm not a psychologist, but I wouldn't say that you're "still young at heart".
You're 28, Lily!!!
That's young all around!
I think you sound like a great girl - I want to be your friend!
-TC
You're 28, Lily!!!
That's young all around!
I think you sound like a great girl - I want to be your friend!
-TC
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Ok, well that's a relief LOL! I agree with LTD, it's like dating in the "real" world - there will be hits and misses. What I did when I realized I wasn't meeting someone who I'd continue to date, was just relax for the rest of it, part on good terms and move on. Over time I became less vigilant about looking for red flags and just enjoyed myself, whether or not we ever got together again.
Have fun!
Have fun!
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I think that most online profiles are too generic. I would encourage you to share a little bit of what makes you unique. What is it about accountancy that intrigues you? What kind of music are you passionate about and why? What is it that makes you "quirky?" What does "fun" mean to you?
Having said that, there is no way that I know of to discourage attracting the "wrong" types. Just as in real life, you will come across healthy and not-so-healthy people. You did great in recognizing the red flags and determining that this person was not who you want to spend more time with. I'm sure you will get more opportunities to practice your recovery. Remember to trust your gut feelings and you will be fine.
One thing I found is that I tend to look at the good points in order to justify the bad. People are not always as blatantly controlling as the one you encountered. Sometimes it's more subtle and many times there are enough positives that it can be easy to overlook the red flags. That is where you must listen to your inner guidance.
Good luck and have fun. It takes courage to put yourself out there again.
L
Having said that, there is no way that I know of to discourage attracting the "wrong" types. Just as in real life, you will come across healthy and not-so-healthy people. You did great in recognizing the red flags and determining that this person was not who you want to spend more time with. I'm sure you will get more opportunities to practice your recovery.
Remember to trust your gut feelings and you will be fine. One thing I found is that I tend to look at the good points in order to justify the bad. People are not always as blatantly controlling as the one you encountered. Sometimes it's more subtle and many times there are enough positives that it can be easy to overlook the red flags. That is where you must listen to your inner guidance.
Good luck and have fun. It takes courage to put yourself out there again.
L
Thanks LTD, I was hoping you would post on this thread cos I remember you mentioning this type of dating in some of your posts!
I appreciate the advice, I like the idea of being more specific. Trying to walk the wire of getting people interested and not sounding too desperate lol!
It was a strange experience, I know some have had a long time off the circuit and my 5 years out of this scene is only a short time relatively, but oh my, it feels like longer! I was really happy that I could turn round and say 'no' and I wasn't so eager to just be with someone that I ignored all the negatives.
I agree that I'm going to get lots of practice, as I say, it is not about finding someone long term for me right now, more like I just want to have that practice and the chance to try out some of my new found skills!
I guess I am testing myself, trying the water etc. No more hiding away in my home feeling like life is passing me by. Yes, he hurt me, and yes, it still has it's scars that need some time longer, but I no longer want to feel that that relationship is still standing in my way, I will no longer allow the pain and fear I felt in that time to prevent me from living my life now.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Hey Lily--
Good for you for recognizing the red flags!!
Can you just state in your profile: "Not into a partying lifestyle." or "No heavy drinkers, no drugs."
Good luck!
Peace-
B.
Good for you for recognizing the red flags!!
Can you just state in your profile: "Not into a partying lifestyle." or "No heavy drinkers, no drugs."
Good luck!
Peace-
B.
I guess it is all trial and error, what some folk think is not heavy drinking I would, so there's always that chance that I will just have to see what they are like on a night out/dinner date and judge it from there.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 26
Not sure how helpful this is but when I was on an online site, I decided to keep myself relatively generic(too may creepy people out there lol). Now I did list my interests , which meant the person contacting me would hopefully have one in common. I gave up and found it humorous after awhile. One bored afternoon I sent a joking email to a guy 2500 miles away(talk about safe!) He answered back and well..in time, he moved across country and we are together. By together, I mean we are I guess bf and gf, gosh that sounds silly at my age (51), any way he lives about 30 miles away and we are together whenever possible. He knows and respects my need to take life slow.
I kind of like having my own space right now. I will say this relationship is so comfortable, unlike the seemingly consuming intensity of my relationship with my XA. I have yet to lose my peace or serenity with him in the last 7 months.
I kind of like having my own space right now. I will say this relationship is so comfortable, unlike the seemingly consuming intensity of my relationship with my XA. I have yet to lose my peace or serenity with him in the last 7 months.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Good for you on recognising the red flags on that date, and bravo for stepping out there.
I love this part of your post: I met my new boyfriend on facebook of all places. We knew the same circle of friends without actually knowing each other.
It's time for you to put yourself first and enjoy yourself. Go out and be yourself, meet new people, talk about you. You're a great girl and whoever you meet is a lucky guy.
I love this part of your post:
Yes, he hurt me, and yes, it still has it's scars that need some time longer, but I no longer want to feel that that relationship is still standing in my way, I will no longer allow the pain and fear I felt in that time to prevent me from living my life now.
It's time for you to put yourself first and enjoy yourself. Go out and be yourself, meet new people, talk about you. You're a great girl and whoever you meet is a lucky guy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Crawfordville, FL
Posts: 33
I think online dating is a wonderful new tool to meet people. It gives you a chance to really talk to a person before you actually meet them. That is if you are taking your time before the first f2f meeting. My XRABF and I met online. We were open and honest about everything. We talked and talked and talked and couldn't wait to meet each other. Luckily that same chemistry was there when we did meet.
I have met a couple of others online and even though they were perfectly nice on the phone or online, the chemistry wasn't there when we met. I really think you will get an instant feeling about someone, if you have taken your time before the face to face meeting.
Good luck, dating...be very careful to check out who you meet (google or local online clerk of court). Be especially careful not to give your heart away too soon. To have your heart, they must earn it!
Peace and Love!
:ghug
I have met a couple of others online and even though they were perfectly nice on the phone or online, the chemistry wasn't there when we met. I really think you will get an instant feeling about someone, if you have taken your time before the face to face meeting.
Good luck, dating...be very careful to check out who you meet (google or local online clerk of court). Be especially careful not to give your heart away too soon. To have your heart, they must earn it!
Peace and Love!
:ghug
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