Dee74

Apologies in advance for another Dee strugglin' thread - don't know where to put this one even...
it's recovery based tho I guess.

so those of you who know me probably know I have cerebral palsy.

Most of you will also probably know I've been falling a lot recently.
Not many of you know I was in hospital with concussion a week or so ago. Kept it quiet LOL.

Testing times - and the best doctors can tell me so far is...nothing - nothing verifiable anyway - it's 'probably just a combination of CP and age catching up with me'. Ok fine.

All thats ok....took me a while, but I can live with the falls and, to a certain extent, the uncertainty now.

but now...my mother calls me tonight - she's been visiting my brother in another city - she says
'we were in a sports store - I nearly bought you some protective headgear but the others wouldn't let me'
...then she LAUGHS uproariously - like its the best joke in the world.


OK....my mum and I have *never* been on the same wavelength - and, sure, I might sometimes be a sensitive old alkie - but this really killed me.

Laugh with me, sure - chances are I'll laugh when I fall anyway, unless I'm really hurt....but laugh at me? ridicule me?

I felt like I was 5 again - the same despair, the same anger, the same helplessness.

I'm not 'disabled' - I'm clumsy, or stupid or rushing or not looking where I'm going....for my parents it seems to be anything but the reality - I have CP and my body is not always mine to control.

It's no-ones fault - so why do I feel it's mine?

If my partner hadn't been there? I might be drunk now - I went into auto pilot I know that. I finished the call, politely and without drama, like I've been conditioned to do....

and then I went for a walk - at a stupidly punishing pace - to try let go of this....and was so lost in my own head I basically walked out into traffic....

I'm not making this into something it's not. I've looked at my part - I've tried damn hard to be a good son - I've made mistakes but I've tried to make amends for them too (my alcoholism is not an issue here - I didn't live at home and they deny I had a problem anyway - I just drank too much, apparently....).

This is the latest in a long line of incidents, with both my mother and father.

Maybe I'm making excuses, but I don't even know if it's malicious - they both just fundamentally fail to understand me or my life - and have never tried in my opinion.

What really hurts most is my mother would never comprehend she hurt me, much less admit it. She'd say I was being 'ridiculous' - we've had this conversation before....or tried to - talking about feelings and stuff is not a family trait LOL. It would be slightly easier for me to run a 4 minute mile I think.....

so - when is enough enough? when do I let go and walk away for my own good? and what are the mechanics of that?

I dunno. Much more I could write but you get the gist.

I just needed to vent....and to see if anyone had any comments, suggestions, or ideas, cos...I just dunno right now...I really don't.

thanks
D

stone

Hi Dee, first off I am glad your GF was there and you didn't drink.

What your mother did was cruel and unfeeling beyond words and the fact that it was your mother doing it....it must hurt a lot. And knowing you can't even talk it out with her, frustrating as hell.

I don't know what to suggest really, I just started counseling and I am finding it quite helpful, maybe it would help you?

Ann

Dee, I understand your frustration and pain, and your post touched me this morning.

I don't understand your illness because I have never had your illness, and only you know what it is like to fight with courage that which affects your every move.

I do know that there are those who don't understand me either, because they have never been me, and who mean well yet have no clue what it means for me to make it through each day with grace and gratitude.

What helps me is to accept and embrace who I am, a blessed child of God who has been given my own path to follow with His light to guide me. It helps me to know I am doing the best I can, even when my best is not enough for others, and to be able to stand in my own truth, even when I stand alone.

It's a gift of recovery that I can do this, and it is this gift alone that sees me through troubling times. I no longer own anyone else's thoughts, behaviours or shortcomings. I just own my reaction to it and do the best I can.

My guess is that your mother and family mean well, that humour may mask their pain at watching someone they love suffer. It may not help OUR pain, but it does help them cope with us and that also is a gift although strangely wrapped.

You cannot change them, Dee, but you can stand proudly in your own light, and know that you are doing the best you can, even when your best has obstacles along the way.

Just know that we care, and we understand as best we can, and I know that I have learned much from you even when you struggle.

Hugs not Helmets

Mattcake

I'm sorry you're suffering D - physically and emotionally. You know that walking into traffic or drinking won't help though

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee74

so - when is enough enough? when do I let go and walk away for my own good? and what are the mechanics of that?

It's strange, the way our own family sometimes seem to be our worst enemy; like a breeding ground for misunderstandings and hurt. But penting up so much anger and resent... I think it's unhealthy and, ultimately, not worth it.

When civil conversation fails (you *have* tried that, right?), how about setting boundaries - for your own sake. The moment you start reverting to 5 year old mode, maybe you could tell your mother - or whomever - that your feelings have been hurt, and that you'll talk to them later. No drama, no blaming.. Just the truth. I've been forced to resort to this in the past, and it does help. But whatever the case, I think it's important to let the other person know that you find their behaviour offensive, without turning into a victim. You can't control their actions, but you can control your own reactions.

On another note, and I'm sorry if I'm out of line... Have you ever considered that your family's inability to see your situation speaks volumes? You might have a problem with addiction, and an organic problem as well. But it's up to you to consider yourself a disabled alcoholic. Maybe they (try to) see you for who you are, beyond the labels. And... you are so much more than those labels

citychick

((( Dee )))

Rusty Zipper

****{aunt dee}}}

maybe mom was just being a protective mother dee...

and the laugh she gave you dee...

the laugh of fear...

fear for her child...

we know that fearfull laugh all too well...

just another spin auntie...

we love you dee!

pattee and aunt tillie

Dee74

thanks for your replies...

Matt...I have tried civil conversation many times...any suggestion that they may be doing wrong is always met defensively, often in a hostile way.

They don't see me for who I am at all as far as I can see.

I am disabled and I am alcoholic. I see no shame in either of those things...certainly nothing pejorative. Any limits I have a simply physical ones beyond my control.

I'm also a successful musician and scholar, and a good man and loving partner with lots of friends ...and have received no support or encouragement for any of that either.

I think I take your point tho - I have tried many times to see things from their POV - a young couple saddled with me as a first child...there were no manuals and perhaps, as Ann says, they mean well and did their best....perhaps they want to treat me 'normally', just as they treat my brother and sister..perhaps as Ann and Zip said they're scared but can't express that adequately...I can see the validity in that too.

but there's a line between giving me a chance to live a normal life, and feeling uncomfortable and guilty and denying, even resenting my disability...it may be subjective of me to say so, but I think they cross it.

I've struggled with this for 40 years. If I sound bitter angry or ungrateful, I can only say I feel I have just cause. Those of you who know me know I don't give up on any relationship lightly.

I understand too that this is in effect my problem - I can only work on me - I can't hope to make them into the parents I want them to be....anymore than I can be the son they want.

Maybe as Stone suggests, counselling would be beneficial. I'll think on that....but for now...bed

thanks for this, guys
D

Jomey

(((Dee))) Love you, my friend, as is. More later. JJ

nogard

(((Dee))) thining of you and for what its worth I think your doing great

Anna

Dee,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

In my experience, I had to remove myself from my mother and father and continue to only have sporadic phone conversations with my mother. She abused me, my father knew and allowed it. She laughed in my face when I confronted her. She was toxic to me and, after trying for twenty years to get her to like/love/acknowledge me, I quit. I walked away and began to live.

Do whatever you need to do to continue to love and respect yourself for the great human being that you are. Surround yourself with people who see that wonderful person.

doorknob

least

Anna is right: surround yourself only with true friends, not toxic and hateful and cruel family. YOu can't help who your family is and how they behave, but you can choose your family of friends, us and your friends in real life.

That was a horrible mean thing to do. Good/loving mothers do not laugh at their children. I am disgusted and upset by such cruelty to you. You are my friend and I will defend you as best I can against those who would tear you down or knock you down.

Much love to you Dee! Please try to ignore her cruel remarks. You are way better than that and would not stoop so low yourself. I love ya, if that helps any!

:ghug3

Pelican

Morning Dee,

I borrowed this from Ksplash's post on meditation. I wanted to share it with you:

accept and love yourself for what you are attempting
and take a moment to truly look at yourself,
what you have chosen very few people choose
you are taking the time to love and accept and nurture a beautiful human being
you are taking the time to change the world by changing yourself
You are what life is about
life is to be experienced...
remember you were born totally loveable
and if there is anything in your life that allowed you to question that love
it came from outside of you
and let go, let go of those messages
and accept yourself and love yourself and become one with yourself


YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!

(Thanks to Ksplash for the timely post)

BreakFree

(((Dee)))

I am SO SORRY your mom acted that way :( I can relate to so much of what you said regarding your parents and your mom in particularly. It hurts. And it stinks.

Just know that there are MANY people who love you and want to "build you up" and not tear you down. I haven't been here long, but long enough to know that you are LOVED and RESPECTED. Parents often fail, especially in this world...thank goodness we can build our own family!

(((more hugs)))

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi Dee,

I just wanted to say that I am keeping you in my prayers (have such a long list lately!).

My father lives 15 minutes away from me and I see him probably twice a year on holidays. A few years ago I found that my interactions with him only left me upset and sad and frustrated. So, I removed myself from that. No drama, no fighting words, just didn't call/email anymore. And apparently he's ok with that. We see each other when we do, things are fine, we both leave it at that. My life is much more peaceful. I still love him, but this way is better for us both.

Big hugs,

Karen

Aysha

Ananda

Well Dee…this is definitely not advice or even a suggestion. Each situation and person is a little different (or a lot). So just my experience.

I had total rage at my family that I was unaware of until I reached 2 years sober. At that time I “discovered” it and it was really really scary and overwhelming. I sought counseling and talked a lot to others who were supportive.

Now for me, I did end up drinking after 2.5 years sober and struggled for several years after that…however…the big thing that stands out in my mind from that is that I ended up writing letters to each family member stating that I needed to cease contact with them for a period of time and a general why (not real specific). I moved out of my hometown and didn’t have contact for about 6 mos.

My brothers claim they never got the letter (yeah right!) but my parents did respect my decision. After about 6 mos I initiated contact with my family again and our relationship was really different (better) after that. Now it comes and goes…we can slip in to old behavior easily, but mostly things are better.

I hope you make a decision that will help you to come to grips with the issues, and hope that you will take actions to keep sober through the rough time.
(hugs, kisses, and love)

parentrecovers

hugs to ya, dee. and thanks for staying sober through all this. i'm proud of you for that.

:ghug3

Mattcake

Okay, I'm sorry if I came across in the wrong way. It's tricky to answer posts when they involve another person's family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee74

but there's a line between giving me a chance to live a normal life, and feeling uncomfortable and guilty and denying, even resenting my disability...it may be subjective of me to say so, but I think they cross it.

Mini-hijack, in my experience: Family-wise, my own challenge is my sexual orientation; it's beyond my control, unless I'm willing to lie about it, which has always been their implicit demand. I wasted many years trying to please my family in that respect, until I was basically forced to tell them to bug off. I'm sorry to be blunt but, as you pointed out, there IS a line that can only be crossed so many times; most of us have our plates full as it is without having to sacrifice our mental health in order to please others. My life, my business, take it or leave it - sadly, sometimes it's necessary to be ruthless.

Once again, I'm sorry, I didn't express my POV accurately. Glad you're talking about it though, doing so always helps.

desertdonna

Ah Dee,

Sometimes parents should be smacked up side the head. So many of us have had those same kind of comments dished out. They're ignorant and hurtful, and can bring up a tide of emotions from our early life.

I hope with a little distance you can disengage from the hurt and anger. Be especially good to yourself, for you so deserve it.

You are loved by so many.

:ghug3

Donna