How do I help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
How do I help?
My 30 year-old son needs help to treat his alchoholism. He has been an alchoholic nearly since out divorce, drinking heavily in high school and ever since My ex-wife (divorced for 20 years) wants to put him a private facility that starts with detox - $20k min. I can't afford it but want to help. How can I help without putting my self in financial problems?
My view is that my son needs to find the starting place. Mom can't come to the rescue and have dad write the check. I spoke to him about this and he agrees, but there is tension. I want him to find help now, not next week or next month. . Since they moved to another state almost immediately following the divorce I have been mostly a virtual part of his life, letters, cards, emails phone calls and the 2-3 times per year I go visit. He is closer to his mother, physically and emotionally.
My question for those that have gone through this how should I be thinking about this. Am I a jerk for be concerned about the financial aspect? (My current wife, who loves my son, if definitely NOT in favor of forking over money). I have done this in the past, paying lawyers to fight DUI's, helping with living expenses when jobs were lost, etc. When money is needed I get the first call. Is it OK to put this on him? I want him to find help, make it happen. I'll help, but I can't be the blank check guy. Please give me your thoughts, no matter what.
thank you
My view is that my son needs to find the starting place. Mom can't come to the rescue and have dad write the check. I spoke to him about this and he agrees, but there is tension. I want him to find help now, not next week or next month. . Since they moved to another state almost immediately following the divorce I have been mostly a virtual part of his life, letters, cards, emails phone calls and the 2-3 times per year I go visit. He is closer to his mother, physically and emotionally.
My question for those that have gone through this how should I be thinking about this. Am I a jerk for be concerned about the financial aspect? (My current wife, who loves my son, if definitely NOT in favor of forking over money). I have done this in the past, paying lawyers to fight DUI's, helping with living expenses when jobs were lost, etc. When money is needed I get the first call. Is it OK to put this on him? I want him to find help, make it happen. I'll help, but I can't be the blank check guy. Please give me your thoughts, no matter what.
thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, dad4ever, glad you're here!
I have not been in your situation but wanted to welcome you to the site.
My favorite Al Anon meeting I attend is a parents group (though I have no children). Have you considered that? There you will meet many people in your same situation who understand what you are going through.
I think it's a very valid concern about forking over so much money.
Keep posting!
I have not been in your situation but wanted to welcome you to the site.
My favorite Al Anon meeting I attend is a parents group (though I have no children). Have you considered that? There you will meet many people in your same situation who understand what you are going through.
I think it's a very valid concern about forking over so much money.
Keep posting!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Something that was much more beneficial to me than writing a check was attending Alanon and participating on this forum daily. Do you attend Alanon?
I would hold off on writing that check until you've learned all you can about alcoholism and codependency so you can make an educated decision. Otherwise, it could be money down the drain.
A good place to start on this forum is to read the stickies on the top of the forum. They contain a lot of helpful information.
I would hold off on writing that check until you've learned all you can about alcoholism and codependency so you can make an educated decision. Otherwise, it could be money down the drain.
A good place to start on this forum is to read the stickies on the top of the forum. They contain a lot of helpful information.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, dad. Please take an opportunity to read the stickies at the top of our forum. They contain a lot of information and wisdom.
I will share my own experiences with the detox/rehab cycle I've gone through with my AH. Fortunately, our insurance covered most of the costs. My AH spent 4 days in a hospital detoxing in September 2001. His commanding officer put him in a 28-day rehab in January 2003 after it was evident AH was going to work reeking of alcohol.
I jumped into the fray and put AH into a 30-day program in April 2005 after his boss was ready to fire him if he didn't shape up. While AH drank until the minute I hauled him in the door of the facility, I made all the arrangements with the insurance company and the rehab facility to ensure they had a bed for him prior to locking him up.
AGAIN ... I made the arrangements in June 2006 to get AH into a 28-day program because folks at work were complaining about the alcohol smell emanating from him as well as his crummy attendance.
As of today, AH is drunk every evening and all weekend. Amazingly, he holds a full-time job. However, after 16 years with the federal government, he'd have to go postal and shoot his boss to get fired. So they keep him busy doing whatever.
After his best friend, ex-wife, loads of rehab counselors, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and me trying to get him sober ... he still isn't sober.
Even if you decided to be the blank check guy, it wouldn't get your son sober unless HE wants to get sober.
The Salvation Army offers free recovery programs. There is A.A. The amount of money spent on a facility makes no difference. Until the A is ready to get sober, no amount of money - or program - in the world will help.
You are right - your son needs to find the starting point. However, it may not be next week, next month, or next year. He'll get sober when, and if, he decides to get sober.
I'm sorry that the truth does not paint a rosey picture. Al-anon teaches us the THREE C's:
You didn't cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
I will share my own experiences with the detox/rehab cycle I've gone through with my AH. Fortunately, our insurance covered most of the costs. My AH spent 4 days in a hospital detoxing in September 2001. His commanding officer put him in a 28-day rehab in January 2003 after it was evident AH was going to work reeking of alcohol.
I jumped into the fray and put AH into a 30-day program in April 2005 after his boss was ready to fire him if he didn't shape up. While AH drank until the minute I hauled him in the door of the facility, I made all the arrangements with the insurance company and the rehab facility to ensure they had a bed for him prior to locking him up.
AGAIN ... I made the arrangements in June 2006 to get AH into a 28-day program because folks at work were complaining about the alcohol smell emanating from him as well as his crummy attendance.
As of today, AH is drunk every evening and all weekend. Amazingly, he holds a full-time job. However, after 16 years with the federal government, he'd have to go postal and shoot his boss to get fired. So they keep him busy doing whatever.
After his best friend, ex-wife, loads of rehab counselors, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and me trying to get him sober ... he still isn't sober.
Even if you decided to be the blank check guy, it wouldn't get your son sober unless HE wants to get sober.
The Salvation Army offers free recovery programs. There is A.A. The amount of money spent on a facility makes no difference. Until the A is ready to get sober, no amount of money - or program - in the world will help.
You are right - your son needs to find the starting point. However, it may not be next week, next month, or next year. He'll get sober when, and if, he decides to get sober.
I'm sorry that the truth does not paint a rosey picture. Al-anon teaches us the THREE C's:
You didn't cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I found with my husband that it wasn't the price of the facility but how much he had the want to quit. He eventually got sober at a free detox. Rehab shouldn't be club med in my opinion. I believe the struggle is part of the experience to remember to not go back.
I do not think you are dumb at all for not wanting to fork out that amount of money for a thirty year old. If he doesn't have money there are places who will take him for free if he admits himself.
Once or twice a year? It would be different if he were a young teen but he's thirty. It's time to cut the cord and he needs to step up himself. Enabling his recovery is a bad move.
The mother needs to attend AA or codendant classes right away.
You have to look out for yourself and your well being even if he is your child.
He's an adult, he needs to act like one.
Stick to your guns.
I do not think you are dumb at all for not wanting to fork out that amount of money for a thirty year old. If he doesn't have money there are places who will take him for free if he admits himself.
Once or twice a year? It would be different if he were a young teen but he's thirty. It's time to cut the cord and he needs to step up himself. Enabling his recovery is a bad move.
The mother needs to attend AA or codendant classes right away.
You have to look out for yourself and your well being even if he is your child.
He's an adult, he needs to act like one.
Stick to your guns.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Thanks
Denny57, doormat and prodigal, Thanks for the replies. I like the idea of attending Alanon. I will do that. The reality of alchoholism each of you shared is scary, but helpful and I guess I already knew that's what I would hear. I definitely need to get better educated before I can really help my son and I thank your for sesnding that message loud and clear.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm glad we haven't scared you away yet, dad. Please keep posting. We want to give you support in any way we can. I know this is painful for you; we've all been there.
Give Al-Anon a try. After six meetings (which is the suggested number to attend to a newcomer), if you don't care for it, that's fine. Have you considered counseling? That could prove beneficial too.
Hang in there. We're here for you.
Give Al-Anon a try. After six meetings (which is the suggested number to attend to a newcomer), if you don't care for it, that's fine. Have you considered counseling? That could prove beneficial too.
Hang in there. We're here for you.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please give Alanon a try.
As to your son, if and when he is ready and wants sobriety more than he wants to drink, believe it or not Salvation Army has an excellent Re-hab program and it is FREE. Sometimes there is a waiting period........................but............he can even stay at and work at a Salvation Army Shelter to stay dry while he waits for a bed to open in the program.
Hope that helps a bit also.
Welcome to SR..................you have found a great site with lots of good Experience Strength and Hope.
Love and hugs,
As to your son, if and when he is ready and wants sobriety more than he wants to drink, believe it or not Salvation Army has an excellent Re-hab program and it is FREE. Sometimes there is a waiting period........................but............he can even stay at and work at a Salvation Army Shelter to stay dry while he waits for a bed to open in the program.
Hope that helps a bit also.
Welcome to SR..................you have found a great site with lots of good Experience Strength and Hope.
Love and hugs,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
In my Al Anon group there are 2 or 3 sets of parents who attend together... parents of adult children who are alcoholics or addicts. One is a man who is divorced from the mother of his child, and he has his own challenges. He's learned that he's powerless over his child AND his exwife among other things.
I agree with what the others have said - read the stickies, educate yourself about alcoholism and try to find a meeting where you can learn more face to face.
And remember the big one:
It's NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Even if he's been drinking since your divorce, you didn't cause it. He drinks because that's what alcoholics do.
Welcome to SR. We're glad you're here and we really do understand.
Cats
I agree with what the others have said - read the stickies, educate yourself about alcoholism and try to find a meeting where you can learn more face to face.
And remember the big one:
It's NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Even if he's been drinking since your divorce, you didn't cause it. He drinks because that's what alcoholics do.
Welcome to SR. We're glad you're here and we really do understand.
Cats
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