MissFixit

Hello. I have been reading your posts off and on for a while. I am new to this, but wanted to reach out for any seasoned advice. Sorry for the length.

I recently found out that my (now) EXABF of the last 4 years has been living a double life, and I am depressed. Last year I moved 100 miles away from him to go to graduate school (I graduate in May 2009 and plan to return to our town). We have maintained our relationship via telephone calls and me visiting him (he lost his license 3 years ago for 3 DUIs). That is until this past summer. He got drunk, lied about it as well as a few other things and I told him that I could not communicate with him until he was sober for good. He got very angry at me and verbally lashed out and threatened me. I didn’t know what to do, got scared and call blocked his number. This apparently sent him into orbit as he called my godmother daily (they have developed a good relationship over the years). He would cry to her and then get angry with me for putting my foot down. Then he told her how sorry he was and would she please tell me to call him.

After a couple of weeks I emailed, released the call block, we talked and got back together. He said that he had turned over a new leaf and was working a treatment program and seeing a therapist (that was the first week of August). He asked that I not come to visit as he was balancing things well and was worried that if I came to town we might argue and it would upset him thereby sending him into another drunken binge. Every day since then he would tell me about therapy, productive measures he was taking and spending weekends hunting with his male friends. I wanted to support him and trusted what he said as he never sounded drunk. After a few weeks of the same stories and telling me that we would see each other later in my semester, I asked if he was seeing someone else. Why didn’t he want to see me? He said that he wasn’t seeing anyone and needed space right now. He then made holiday plans with me and brought up his recovery and us getting engaged this winter (He has proposed a dozen times since we started dating. I always said that I would marry him after he got and stayed sober). We started talking about children and I was feeling secure in his recovery.

I had my first job interview in our town and told him about it the second week of October. It was a job I didn’t want, but it was near his house and I thought that he would be happy about it. Out of the blue he said that he did not want to see me or marry me. I asked what was going on (I thought it was cold feet) and he said that he would call me back to discuss. He didn’t call, so I called and emailed him with no response. After a week I emailed his friend to see if something had happened to him. His friend very awkwardly informed me that L is seeing someone else, he never quit drinking and they get drunk and go to parties each weekend. I don’t want to be ugly here, but she is not the kind of woman he would ever date. (She is unattractive, ten years older than I am and was engaged to an old man, whom she left at the Alter last year). The next day I asked another friend about this and my friend finds out that L is now engaged to this new woman (they apparently met a couple of months ago). Since then I received a voicemail message from L telling me that he is seeing someone new and I should not move back to town (I lived there for 10 years prior to returning to school). He has been contacting my godmother and telling her that he is sorry, scared to talk to me, has made a mistake, but then emails her snapshots of him with his new fiancé. My godmother was baffled and has now stopped taking his calls. I also come to find out that he is taking her on special destination trips that we have taken over the last 4 years, except they are going on one per month. This includes a trip to a hotel that is 9 houses away from my Dad’s house, where I grew up. I do not understand what has happened. He is not smooth with the ladies, so I never expected anything like this.

Lastly, I found out this week that he has told all of his/our friends that I broke up with him last summer, we haven’t spoken since then and that my being on his case about drinking was one of the reasons he drank!!! He was claiming that I left him heartbroken and destroyed. This is not true… I have not seen or kept up with folks as I have been in school, but now realize that he has won their sympathy and I am seen as a she-devil. This is painful. He acts like a jerk and gets sympathy, I get blamed. It is now November and he still won’t face me. 3 years and 10 months down the drain and I am devastated by it. I want answers, but he isn’t calling me and I am too hurt now to call him. He is still calling my godmother, although she doesn’t take the calls. Friends tell me to “run away fast,” but I strongly feel wronged and want some sort of explanation from him. I am going to al-anon and seeing a therapist, but each day is so hard to get through and I am embarrassed by how much pain I am in. Cruelty was never part of his personality before and I don’t know what I have done to him to get this sort of treatment. I feel confused, hurt, angry and am sinking into a depression. Not sure if I should call or write to him to get my feelings out, or just let it go (given my disgust right now, not sure that I can do that). I am trying to keep busy, but keep crying no matter what I do.

sslusser

Missfixit, I am sorry that you are hurting. You have come to a good place. A place where people genuinely care.

They will be along shortly.

I found reading and posting here to be very helpful. There are stickies at the top of the list of post that have a lot of really good info in them

Lots of hugs to you.

<<<<< MissFixIt >>>>>

Freedom1990

First of all, I'm glad you're going to Alanon and seeing a therapist. Those things have helped me tremendously.

I think the one thing all of us want who have loved an alcoholic and the relationship ended is closure.

Too often the closure isn't there.

I've been on both sides of the fence, as a recovering alcoholic, and I was married to an active alcoholic/addict.

I was devastated when he hooked up with a 17 year old girl shortly before I ended up in rehab.

I had 1001 questions running through my head. Wasn't I good enough? Why did he do what he did?

The truth is, his actions had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him.

I had to let go of that marriage for my own sanity/safety.

You are not alone, and I sincerely hope you continue to post here! :ghug :ghug

MissFixit

Thank you for responding. It is comforting to know that other people have had similar situations.

I am embarassed to talk with most people about it as the ones I have told, think the situation is crazy. It is crazy and I know it is crazy. He is not well, but I feel a level of responsibility regardless. I switch between feeling like a tricked girlfriend and then a sad best friend seeing someone I love behave so horribly.

He still has some of my clothes and personal items at his house. He has told my godmother that he threw them away when she asked him about them. I don't know if I call him to get them back and meet with him or write a letter asking for them back. This is so humilating. My dad did offer to contact him about the clothes, but I feel too old for that.

laurie6781

Yes you are hurt. Confronting him will only leave you MORE CONFUSED. You are dealing with a practicing Alcoholic and every word out of their mouth is to justify their 'reality of the moment.'

You won't get 'answers.' You won't get 'closure.' Not from him.

Continue your therapy and going to alanon and work on you so you don't pick the same type again.

As to what he is saying around town, those that believe him, you wouldn't want for friends anyway, and the others will see by his actions what a jerk he really is.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we really do care very much.

Love and hugs,

cassandra2

I feel your pain and am sorry for your situation. Many of us are left to try and figure out the actions of an addict. Its sad but very true.

Keep seeing your therapist and going to meetings they will keep you grounded. Read the posts on this site and you will realize this behavior is very common with addicts of any kind.

My exabf was kicked out because of drugs and yet he told everyone else that we split because we didnt get along. Well now everyone sees his actions dont match with that phrase because the kids that he left behind are suffering. They see that.

The only way for you to have closure is to close the door yourself. If alcohol was always a problem in your relationship then thank your lucky stars that you didnt marry him and were smart enough to know that. So many stories on this site of people who married despite knowing and they ended up going down a terrible road.

Laurie is right in saying that the people who believe him you wouldnt want as friends anyway. Stick around people here really care and have been down the same road. It gets easier. Reading posts like yours help me to get by on days like today where I just feel utter despair.

Dont think of it as 3 years down the drain. Think of it as a learning experience. When you get your degree what if you dont get a job in that field but something related and something that you really enjoy is that degree considered wasted? No, everything in life happens for a reason. Right now you nor I can see the reason but on the other side of this we will.

I still have questions that I know I will not receive answers to until HE goes into recovery and for now I guess that is the way it will be.

Continue posting it will make you feel less alone and more sure about moving forward.

Prays to you.....

Ago

This thinking is exactly what "made me sick"

My friends said the same thing, run fast, run far, don't turn back.

My friends were right

I recently went through a similar situation...any kind of "solution" that had me "trying to figure it out" or "wanting to talk to her" only led to grief

A friend said to me "So let me get this straight, you opened up an email from a crazy person, and now you are feeling crazy...(long pause)...hmmmm.....(long pause)...Andrew....Shakespeare said it best, "On that path lies madness"

My sponsor asked me how I was a couple months ago. three hours later, when he could get a word in edgeways, he said STOP....WRITE THIS DOWN

this sh*t's Gotta stop

he had me write down why it had to stop

all my problems had her name on them, but everything I wrote down in why this Sh*t has gotta stop had my name on them.

things like I'm miserable all the time

I feel crazy

my friends are getting sick of me talking about this person all the time

every single answer, not one part of my solution had anything to do with her

We know how you feel.

welcome.

trying to "bargain" with a crazy person makes me insane, and make no mistake, this man is literally insane, see step two of alcoholics anonymous.

welcome....truly

I hope you find here what I did, which is acceptance and solution

there really is a better way, because it became very clear to me that my way wasn't working

Let "the girls" show you that better way

take what you like, and leave the rest

MissFixit

Thank you again all who posted. I really appreciate your comments. It makes sense what you write.

Never until recently have I ever considered myself controlling, merely "helpful." I am trying to keep my "helpfulness" in check right now. My therapist phrased it nicely when he told me to turn the attention that I have shown L inward to me. I liked that, it made me feel a little less damaged myself.

Ironically, I did attend an al-anon meeting 1 1/2 years ago. The attendants were much older than I am, so I did not feel at home there. Also, a woman talked about her 45 year marriage to an alcoholic and how he did something so insane the eve before. I left thinking that L would never do anything like that to me as I was "the love of his life" and "no one could ever replace me." I am glad that this happened no rather than years, marriage and babies down the road, although I mourn the life I thought we would have.

eleanor11

Let it all go.Let him go.

You deserve better.

cassandra2

Its a breakup allow yourself to mourn. And yes, be thankful for no marriage or babies. Children make this soooo much more difficult because they dont understand why daddy isnt here anymore. They dont understand that their dad is a different now. They just know the obvious dad isnt here.

Keep posting it gets better......

prodigal

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? She addresses the pain we suffer at the loss of our dreams. It is one of the hardest losses we have to endure. And until we go through the grief process, we can't get past it.

I'm sorry you were lied to and betrayed. Although this woman may not seem like your exbf's "type" the fact that they like to drink together probably indicates that she is what he was looking for.

MissFixit

I haven't read Codependant No More, but saw it mentioned on another post. Thank you.

Prodigal might be right about my EXABF finding a drinking partner more suitable for him right now. I keep hearing very negative things about her taking advantage of him. On one hand I want to shake sense into him, but no that he has to make his own decsions and my role now is to take care of myself.

When do we stop caring about loved ones even after they hurt or betray us? It would be easier for me, if I didn't love him or remember the wonderful times we had.

prodigal

An Al-Anon friend once told me, "We can love our alcoholics, but it's usually better to love them at a distance."

You cannot erase memories. But you can find ways of handling your feelings. The rough part is you have to go through the grief process. It hurts, but once you get to the other side, you can look back on the relationship in a more balanced manner; with perspective; and you WILL be more at peace.

I had wonderful times with both of my AH's. The problem was, as their addictions worsened, wonderful left and all that remained was chaos and insanity. Grieve the past, and then look forward to a better future.

MissFixit

I have a fear that he will miraculously turn around with me gone and be this wonderful man with his new fiance. I know I am not supposed to think about that, but I keep imagining that and it hurts. An engagment after 2-3 months????

denny57

FWIW, xAH did the same. That "engagement" is off.

I was married to a man who also led a double life. This may not help right now - but please try working on being grateful for having dodged a possible lifetime of misery. Someone who does this rarely "turns around" and suddenly starts acting with something resembling a conscience. That would take YEARS of therapy.

Keep posting - you are not alone.

FreeBird09

That is also one of my biggest fears too. As if I was the problem and not him. But I am learning through SR that this is not the case, and he will be the same with or without me, and for me and my sanity, I have to pick without me. I find myself not being able to eat at times because of this thought process, so I TRY to imagine all the bad things about him (which is hard) and I don't look at pictures of us together, because all photos with couples are always happy ones, like.. really.. who takes photos of the bad times? So, I put them all away and will NOT look at his face, or ours together.

Good luck, stay around here it is great here, a lot of caring people.

cassandra2

I dont really know if this is the same or not but here goes....

For ten years I was married to a very abusive man. He put me through hell and when I was strong enough I walked away.

In those ten years I remember thinking what if I leave him and he finds someone else and she changes him. Today I look at that and know that that was apart of me being codependent. Abuse/addicts/alcoholics are similar in ways that their BEHAVIOR is causing the damage.

Today I know that turd is with someone else doing the EXACT same thing to her. I know because I lived it and believe you me that when a person has and addiction/abusive personality it doesnt change.

Unless he is dating Jesus he is doing the same thing to her that he did to you. I know it hurts but like some of the other posts imagine yourself 5 years down the road married to him couple of kids mortgage payment 2 car payments and he walks out to continue to be a drunk.......

MissFixit

Hello. Had a bad morning, but after talking with a friend am having a better afternoon.

EXABF keeps calling my godmother, but she isn't taking his calls. He also gave a present to my former landlord when drunk the other week. What gives? He is off with another woman. My therapist told me on my second visit that I needed to prepare for him to keep a "foot in the door" so to speak.