Hard Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Hard Day
Hi everyone,
I'm really just posting to clear out my head. I don't really post, but often read for support. My husband is a recovering addict, and has been clean since May. I try to focus on all the positive things that are happening-he's working hard, seeing a psychologist, and just made an appointment to begin antidepressents. But, on the negative side, he is soooo sad. His moods still cycle constantly, and he is so up and down. I don't think he is using, I just think he's dealing with all the consequences of his using for the past three years. But on days like this, when he's this down, and so angry, it doesn't seem fair. I feel like all I do is support him, and don't get that same support back. I cannot sit here and watch him be this depressed. I don't want to sound heartless, I really am not, we just keep cycling and it is so hard. When will it get any easier?
I'm really just posting to clear out my head. I don't really post, but often read for support. My husband is a recovering addict, and has been clean since May. I try to focus on all the positive things that are happening-he's working hard, seeing a psychologist, and just made an appointment to begin antidepressents. But, on the negative side, he is soooo sad. His moods still cycle constantly, and he is so up and down. I don't think he is using, I just think he's dealing with all the consequences of his using for the past three years. But on days like this, when he's this down, and so angry, it doesn't seem fair. I feel like all I do is support him, and don't get that same support back. I cannot sit here and watch him be this depressed. I don't want to sound heartless, I really am not, we just keep cycling and it is so hard. When will it get any easier?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can't give you a definite time frame as each person is different, but I can tell you that 5 months of recovery is still very early. My moods were all over the place my first year clean/sober, and it took all my effort just to stay clean/sober.
The fact that he's seeing a psychologist, and has made an appointment for antidepressants is a positive thing.
It will take at least a month to see how the antidepressants will affect him, so just be aware of that.
When we get clean, we have all those emotions come up that we buried for years, and it is so overwhelming at times.
I would heartily recommend you start doing some things for yourself, and treat yourself kindly!
My 20 year AD still lives at home, and I have learned to take care of self and focus on what I need to do for me.
The fact that he's seeing a psychologist, and has made an appointment for antidepressants is a positive thing.
It will take at least a month to see how the antidepressants will affect him, so just be aware of that.
When we get clean, we have all those emotions come up that we buried for years, and it is so overwhelming at times.
I would heartily recommend you start doing some things for yourself, and treat yourself kindly!
My 20 year AD still lives at home, and I have learned to take care of self and focus on what I need to do for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter has been clean since May but she definitely still has a lot of addict behaviors. I have thought a few times that she is using. I have no proof. She gets weekly counseling and attends a couple meetings a week. I have had to really limit contact with her because sometimes her energy is so negative I can feel it oozing from her pores. The next day she will be back to happy. It is confusing to me as I am usually pretty even-keeled and really too hard for me to have a front row seat to. Hugs to you because I know it is a tough thing to try to be supportive. Marle
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
So understandable that you need something back. I think he's unable to give it to you right now, as opposed to being unwilling to.
It sounds like it's still going to be a bit of a long road, and there's nothing you can really do to help him, so take this time to do for you and take care of you while he's doing his thing.
(((hugs))) Wishing you both the best in your continued recovery
It sounds like it's still going to be a bit of a long road, and there's nothing you can really do to help him, so take this time to do for you and take care of you while he's doing his thing.
(((hugs))) Wishing you both the best in your continued recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Even hearing these words already makes me feel a bit better. I do understand that it's still early in recovery. The reason it all seems so long is because he had been continuously using for three years prior, and it just seems like it's been forever. Today I snapped at him and basically told him he was worthless-which I know is the complete WRONG thing to do, I just couldn't take it anymore. Marle-when you mentioned your daughter having negativity oozing from her pours-that is exactly what it feels like with my husband. It's so hard for me because I am not like that. I really am trying to take care of myself, but it's so hard to. Especially because when he's feeling down, he shuts down, and doesn't like to talk. This drives me, a big talker CRAZY!!! Thanks for all the kind words-they have already helped.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I know exactly how you feel. I myself am a HUGE talker. I will talk to myself if I cant find someone to talk to me.
When my exabf was home part of his cycle would be to totally isolate himself from me and the kids. I couldnt stand that I would take it to heart and try to reach out and then be rejected. This was one reason I had to put a stop to the insanity. Before our conversations were effortless and I felt my needs were being met in every way and then in comes the pain pills.
It was over time but he slipped beyond my reach. I think that being in a relationship that once was even on both sides and both were bringing to the table there was a level of contentment that alot of couples dont reach. When both needs are being met there is just this relaxed loving atmosphere no effort.
So what I am trying to say is that I have been thinking about recovery and wondering how this will all go. I believe that GOD is bringing my ex through this and I believe that he will go and get help.
But what am I to do in the mean time? WORK ON MYSELF. How can we return to the same contentment we had before all of this if we cant both come to the table as equals again.
He needs help to figure out why he uses. And stop using.
I need help trying to understand that he doesnt make me complete. I make myself complete. I need to get back to where I was before this addiction overtook our family. I see myself in your same position. If I dont work on me then the same me that was in his cycle of addiction will come to the table with a new recovered person and the relationship wont work.
Work on you. Dont take it personally that he is going through this. From everything I have read about recovery this is a process. While you are recovering you wont notice so much and his moods wont affect you as much.
Just a thought....Good luck.....
When my exabf was home part of his cycle would be to totally isolate himself from me and the kids. I couldnt stand that I would take it to heart and try to reach out and then be rejected. This was one reason I had to put a stop to the insanity. Before our conversations were effortless and I felt my needs were being met in every way and then in comes the pain pills.
It was over time but he slipped beyond my reach. I think that being in a relationship that once was even on both sides and both were bringing to the table there was a level of contentment that alot of couples dont reach. When both needs are being met there is just this relaxed loving atmosphere no effort.
So what I am trying to say is that I have been thinking about recovery and wondering how this will all go. I believe that GOD is bringing my ex through this and I believe that he will go and get help.
But what am I to do in the mean time? WORK ON MYSELF. How can we return to the same contentment we had before all of this if we cant both come to the table as equals again.
He needs help to figure out why he uses. And stop using.
I need help trying to understand that he doesnt make me complete. I make myself complete. I need to get back to where I was before this addiction overtook our family. I see myself in your same position. If I dont work on me then the same me that was in his cycle of addiction will come to the table with a new recovered person and the relationship wont work.
Work on you. Dont take it personally that he is going through this. From everything I have read about recovery this is a process. While you are recovering you wont notice so much and his moods wont affect you as much.
Just a thought....Good luck.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Thanks Cassandra. It really does help to hear other's stories as well. And I know we do need to work on ourselves. But I am to completely focus on myself and ignore this other person right next to me. It's so hard at this stage, at any stage. We're newly married, and I thought this would be the happiest time in my life. It's not supposed to feel this way. I know I need to work on myself, and I think I'm getting better at that. We were this amazing couple, and your'e right, this should just come easily to us. And it's scary that it doesn't. I think I need to step back more and say less.
NeedingHelp-he doesn't take any vitamins. I've bought them for him (yes, in my days of trying to help "fix" him), but they just sit there.
NeedingHelp-he doesn't take any vitamins. I've bought them for him (yes, in my days of trying to help "fix" him), but they just sit there.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
You hit the nail on the head.
Whatever he is going through he is going to need to deal with it on his terms. Just like getting off of drugs/alcohol. Those are things we have no control over. By you focusing on you and understanding what you need to do for yourself is the best way to give him space without you feeling empty.
I am trying to focus on things for myself and I know that it is hard when the person you love is suffering next to you. But maybe just maybe if he sees you going off and bettering yourself that will make him more comfortable in doing the same for himself.
Your newly married you have plenty of time to get back to where you once were but it has to been done for BOTH of you.
Good luck. I believe that you will be ok. Pray and keep praying. Sometimes we all need to.
Whatever he is going through he is going to need to deal with it on his terms. Just like getting off of drugs/alcohol. Those are things we have no control over. By you focusing on you and understanding what you need to do for yourself is the best way to give him space without you feeling empty.
I am trying to focus on things for myself and I know that it is hard when the person you love is suffering next to you. But maybe just maybe if he sees you going off and bettering yourself that will make him more comfortable in doing the same for himself.
Your newly married you have plenty of time to get back to where you once were but it has to been done for BOTH of you.
Good luck. I believe that you will be ok. Pray and keep praying. Sometimes we all need to.
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