Healing from "Abuse"
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Healing from "Abuse"
Givelove's Thread really set the wheels in my head turning, great thread, thanks everyone for participating
I started thinking (hush I know that's dangerous haha) but I remembered when I got sober in 92' the first day I got sober my "co" and I went to couples counseling.
This was back when I was a "straight alkie" I was quite literally a sociopath with no concept of my impact on those around me. I was and had been "The Designated Patient" she had been horrifically mean to me, but since I got drunk nearly every night she went to work, and was frequently unfaithful I "deserved" this punishment.
So we were in therapy, and I was fully prepared to be "the sick one", "take my lumps" and be told "I was the bad guy" and it was "all my fault"
The therapist had a different agenda however, she asked a lot of questions, and "M" ended up telling this story about a Dog she had, this dog wouldn't "mind" her and "do what it was told" she ended up tying the dog up with a one foot leash and beating it with a two by four, describing hitting it again and again as hard as she could with this piece of wood.
I, once again, was prepared for this to be "all my fault" and "be the bad guy" so the therapist started asking me questions, and within 5 minutes I was crying and raging, she managed to bring out rage and despair that I never realized was there, sobbing and crying, "I am that Dog, she DOES beat me like that, that's EXACTLY how I feel."
OK...now...
That story has nothing to do with my last relationship, but it introduced:
"THE DOG"
Today I started thinking about that Dog, at what point is that Dog allowed to "bite back"? What should "The Dog" do to take care of itself and this quote keeps going through my mind.
So I started thinking about that statement
Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser"
Where do I draw the line?
to continue "The Dog" allegory, I came up with this
If the Dog needed to bite in order to get away, biting was acceptable, but the healthy thing for the Dog to do IS to get away.
By staying in a relationship with someone who's behaviors exactly matched Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Some traits of emotional abusers... - DailyStrengthEventually I started "biting back" but every time I would "run away from Home" to get away, she would lure me back with "Doggy treats" whereupon she would "beat me some more"
Here's the important part for me.
It got to every time she would even raise her hand, I would "bite her"
I had "gone mean" we have all seen it, the Dog that's beaten so much it starts biting everyone.
I figuratively have been "standing outside her house barking at her" since I left.
Even after I "ran away" a few weeks ago, I was still "head shy", barking at everyone who walked by, and potentially a disaster if I were to start seeing someone before I healed, because I'm still "mean" and 'head shy" and if she "raises her hand" I'm going to "bite her" in order to "protect myself."
After I initially broke up with her, I had found that article about abuse and "called her" on it, then of course she "got pregnant" and we got back together, but the time on the "wheel" posted by Givelove was under two weeks and I walked away listening to:
Then after I left I got:
but I'm done now you know?
you know that old saying "that dawg won't hunt" when describing something that won't work as described?
that's right, this "Dawgs" done a huntin
Anyhow, I hope that made sense, I'm onna go wake up "my master" and have him "take me to the beach" where he can "throw the tennis ball" all day and I can play in the waves.
I'm done "biting people" "barking at houses" and growling at people if they get to close.
I'm a Black Lab I decided, they are stupid and smart, and graceful and clumsy, all at the same time, they are also the friendliest dogs ever if you treat them right, you rarely see a mean Lab, but they will bite if pushed into a corner hard enough. I'm done being a "junkyard dog" that just barks at people just because they walk by.
So here's the question:
What kind of Dog are you and how are you going to care for that thar dawg?
I started thinking (hush I know that's dangerous haha) but I remembered when I got sober in 92' the first day I got sober my "co" and I went to couples counseling.
This was back when I was a "straight alkie" I was quite literally a sociopath with no concept of my impact on those around me. I was and had been "The Designated Patient" she had been horrifically mean to me, but since I got drunk nearly every night she went to work, and was frequently unfaithful I "deserved" this punishment.
So we were in therapy, and I was fully prepared to be "the sick one", "take my lumps" and be told "I was the bad guy" and it was "all my fault"
The therapist had a different agenda however, she asked a lot of questions, and "M" ended up telling this story about a Dog she had, this dog wouldn't "mind" her and "do what it was told" she ended up tying the dog up with a one foot leash and beating it with a two by four, describing hitting it again and again as hard as she could with this piece of wood.
I, once again, was prepared for this to be "all my fault" and "be the bad guy" so the therapist started asking me questions, and within 5 minutes I was crying and raging, she managed to bring out rage and despair that I never realized was there, sobbing and crying, "I am that Dog, she DOES beat me like that, that's EXACTLY how I feel."
OK...now...
That story has nothing to do with my last relationship, but it introduced:
"THE DOG"
Today I started thinking about that Dog, at what point is that Dog allowed to "bite back"? What should "The Dog" do to take care of itself and this quote keeps going through my mind.
As part of this "control" technique, the abuser may "set up" his partner, pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control by breaking down in tears or getting angry or yelling. If you raise your voice, he will insist that YOU are the abuser. Don't buy it, and don't believe it. While there might be better ways to handle the situation, (more easily enacted if you weren't emotionally involved with this person), chances are that he has inflicted so much psychological warfare that you have been backed into an emotional corner, and are reacting in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".
Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser"
Where do I draw the line?
to continue "The Dog" allegory, I came up with this
If the Dog needed to bite in order to get away, biting was acceptable, but the healthy thing for the Dog to do IS to get away.
By staying in a relationship with someone who's behaviors exactly matched Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Some traits of emotional abusers... - DailyStrengthEventually I started "biting back" but every time I would "run away from Home" to get away, she would lure me back with "Doggy treats" whereupon she would "beat me some more"
Here's the important part for me.
It got to every time she would even raise her hand, I would "bite her"
I had "gone mean" we have all seen it, the Dog that's beaten so much it starts biting everyone.
I figuratively have been "standing outside her house barking at her" since I left.
Even after I "ran away" a few weeks ago, I was still "head shy", barking at everyone who walked by, and potentially a disaster if I were to start seeing someone before I healed, because I'm still "mean" and 'head shy" and if she "raises her hand" I'm going to "bite her" in order to "protect myself."
After I initially broke up with her, I had found that article about abuse and "called her" on it, then of course she "got pregnant" and we got back together, but the time on the "wheel" posted by Givelove was under two weeks and I walked away listening to:
Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get.
An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, "after all the things I did for her"... The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to stalk his ex.
you know that old saying "that dawg won't hunt" when describing something that won't work as described?
that's right, this "Dawgs" done a huntin
Anyhow, I hope that made sense, I'm onna go wake up "my master" and have him "take me to the beach" where he can "throw the tennis ball" all day and I can play in the waves.
I'm done "biting people" "barking at houses" and growling at people if they get to close.
I'm a Black Lab I decided, they are stupid and smart, and graceful and clumsy, all at the same time, they are also the friendliest dogs ever if you treat them right, you rarely see a mean Lab, but they will bite if pushed into a corner hard enough. I'm done being a "junkyard dog" that just barks at people just because they walk by.
So here's the question:
What kind of Dog are you and how are you going to care for that thar dawg?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Boy oh boy did your post get me to thinking!
You know, back when I was married to the EXAH (now deceased) and I would take the beatings (physical and mental), I eventually got to the point that I DID bite back.
I could always tell when the physical violence was imminent, and so I would hit him first because I was not going to go down without a fight.
It took years to get past that response.
I had a guy come up behind me after an NA meeting early in my recovery and he slapped me hard on the back like guys sometimes do to each other, and before I knew it, I had doubled back my fist and said "Don't you ever EVER do that to me again!"
Today I'm like my greyhound Randy, kicked back, not taking life too seriously, and enjoying the simple things in life!
You know, back when I was married to the EXAH (now deceased) and I would take the beatings (physical and mental), I eventually got to the point that I DID bite back.
I could always tell when the physical violence was imminent, and so I would hit him first because I was not going to go down without a fight.
It took years to get past that response.
I had a guy come up behind me after an NA meeting early in my recovery and he slapped me hard on the back like guys sometimes do to each other, and before I knew it, I had doubled back my fist and said "Don't you ever EVER do that to me again!"
Today I'm like my greyhound Randy, kicked back, not taking life too seriously, and enjoying the simple things in life!
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