Things that go bump..
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Things that go bump..
Day 8 of no contact with the AXBF, nearly 4 months he has been gone. I decided the last time he left (since it was the 6th time) that we could never travel down that relationship road again.
About 2 weeks after the AXBF left my son's best friends Dad came over for coffee. He is a single Dad, and at that point I brushed it off as all men are going to put me through hell and I think that came across in the hour we spent having coffee. I didn't talk to him or see him again until last Saturday. (well over 3 months) We talked for about a hour and then he called me, and left me a message (e-mail) that he would like to get to know me. (and at this point, I don't want an intimate relationship with anyone, but I don't want to turn down what could be a great friendship)
Last night he came over, neither of our children were around (like they were the prior 2 times) and before he got here I was in a panic because I don't want to be involved with anyone who may have any issues (such as drinking, or gambling, or LEAVING) even on a friendship level.
We talked for 3 hours over coffee and I laid it on the table and was up front that I can not have anyone in my life that is a drinker, or gambles. He agrees, that he too can not have that in his life. (his x is an A) He has been watching my life, through his son, over the last 10 years that he has been my sons best friend and he (his son told me) wants to be in my life and feels that I deserve respect and consideration that I wasn't given from the AXBF.
We talked about everything, from politics to religion to how it felt when we became parents. It was a nice break from the pressure of having to jump through hoops. I was completely myself, who I am, no up front face that is put on to attract the fly into the spiders web (on both parts) I decided well before the AXBF left that I LIKE who I am and it was raking on my nerves to accommodate him by being who he wanted me to be. (which still wasn't good enough) He was very respectful, made no passes at me in any intimate way, and the night flew by too quickly. I KNOW the red flags to watch for, and I am not lonely where I feel the need to fill that space, and I didn't see not one red flag.
I can say that I am scared that I will fall into being a codie again. I am reading, keeping a journal, and going to counseling to keep myself in the moment, and watch so I don't fall back into my old ways.
I AM SCARED as can be!
My son called me last night (he was at his Dads) and asked.. how did your date go. I said, that wasn't a date! That was just 2 people enjoying each others company. He said Mom, it's ok for you to like him, he is a good guy and you are worth having a good guy in your life. ugghh.. kids!
Is it too soon? Is 4 months too soon? I went from my AXH, to my AXBF over night, and want and need to crawl through this 'friendship' at this point. I have dreams that I want to accomplish, but I don't want to push people out of my life neither. I am not meant to be alone, but am feeling good living alone.
HELP!!..
The no contact with the AXBF is really setting me free in my mind. I feel like a weight is being lifted, I am getting so I don't worry about if he is dead or alive. I didn't stop loving him, I just stopped being involved in the insanity.
About 2 weeks after the AXBF left my son's best friends Dad came over for coffee. He is a single Dad, and at that point I brushed it off as all men are going to put me through hell and I think that came across in the hour we spent having coffee. I didn't talk to him or see him again until last Saturday. (well over 3 months) We talked for about a hour and then he called me, and left me a message (e-mail) that he would like to get to know me. (and at this point, I don't want an intimate relationship with anyone, but I don't want to turn down what could be a great friendship)
Last night he came over, neither of our children were around (like they were the prior 2 times) and before he got here I was in a panic because I don't want to be involved with anyone who may have any issues (such as drinking, or gambling, or LEAVING) even on a friendship level.
We talked for 3 hours over coffee and I laid it on the table and was up front that I can not have anyone in my life that is a drinker, or gambles. He agrees, that he too can not have that in his life. (his x is an A) He has been watching my life, through his son, over the last 10 years that he has been my sons best friend and he (his son told me) wants to be in my life and feels that I deserve respect and consideration that I wasn't given from the AXBF.
We talked about everything, from politics to religion to how it felt when we became parents. It was a nice break from the pressure of having to jump through hoops. I was completely myself, who I am, no up front face that is put on to attract the fly into the spiders web (on both parts) I decided well before the AXBF left that I LIKE who I am and it was raking on my nerves to accommodate him by being who he wanted me to be. (which still wasn't good enough) He was very respectful, made no passes at me in any intimate way, and the night flew by too quickly. I KNOW the red flags to watch for, and I am not lonely where I feel the need to fill that space, and I didn't see not one red flag.
I can say that I am scared that I will fall into being a codie again. I am reading, keeping a journal, and going to counseling to keep myself in the moment, and watch so I don't fall back into my old ways.
I AM SCARED as can be!
My son called me last night (he was at his Dads) and asked.. how did your date go. I said, that wasn't a date! That was just 2 people enjoying each others company. He said Mom, it's ok for you to like him, he is a good guy and you are worth having a good guy in your life. ugghh.. kids!
Is it too soon? Is 4 months too soon? I went from my AXH, to my AXBF over night, and want and need to crawl through this 'friendship' at this point. I have dreams that I want to accomplish, but I don't want to push people out of my life neither. I am not meant to be alone, but am feeling good living alone.
HELP!!..
The no contact with the AXBF is really setting me free in my mind. I feel like a weight is being lifted, I am getting so I don't worry about if he is dead or alive. I didn't stop loving him, I just stopped being involved in the insanity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
Does it have to be something heavy straight away. Why not just the odd date now and again. I've just started dating someone after just over 5 months from splitting from my exA. Once a week is good, get treated like a lady, good conversation and an improved social life with no pressures.
I think too many people, (me included) rush headlong into things and then find it's difficult to extricate ourselves
I think too many people, (me included) rush headlong into things and then find it's difficult to extricate ourselves
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Sadending,
Though it's always good to get some stability between relationships, especially when you're coming out of one that was as abusive as yours, there is something to be said for friendships with people like your person there.
Do you feel like you're going to "fall" for this guy? Do you feel like that's the beat-all, end-all, driving thing behind this relationship - either it does or it doesn't happen, lots of stress, tension, fear, aaaaagggh?
That's obviously not an ideal situation. You DO need some time where relationships don't seem life-or-death. If he told you tomorrow that he didn't want to see you, that he'd changed his mind, would you still be okay? Or would you feel rejected and crushed? Listen to how your gut reacts to that question. It may give you a huge clue as to you whether it's healthy to proceed or not.
I started dating again several months after a bad, bad breakup. But I wasn't looking for love, protection, safety, or trust. I just wanted someone to do social things with, be 100% honest with (and he wouldn't get angry or pressure me), and enjoy an evening a week with.
I wasn't looking for someone to love. I was looking for someone to like, and who liked me.
If you can feel down deep in your stomach that you are already looking to this guy to solve all your problems, feel great stress at the thought of proceeding, and aren't yet capable of just having a relaxing friendship to explore whether you like being together........then you DO have a big red flag, unfortunately. It's your own.
Can't really say - but I hope you are able to find a way to at least be friends. Friendship, even if it doesn't last forever, can be hugely healing. And it sounds like this person truly cares what happens to you.
Hoping for the best -- trust your gut and try to follow your brain, not your heart.
Though it's always good to get some stability between relationships, especially when you're coming out of one that was as abusive as yours, there is something to be said for friendships with people like your person there.
Do you feel like you're going to "fall" for this guy? Do you feel like that's the beat-all, end-all, driving thing behind this relationship - either it does or it doesn't happen, lots of stress, tension, fear, aaaaagggh?
That's obviously not an ideal situation. You DO need some time where relationships don't seem life-or-death. If he told you tomorrow that he didn't want to see you, that he'd changed his mind, would you still be okay? Or would you feel rejected and crushed? Listen to how your gut reacts to that question. It may give you a huge clue as to you whether it's healthy to proceed or not.
I started dating again several months after a bad, bad breakup. But I wasn't looking for love, protection, safety, or trust. I just wanted someone to do social things with, be 100% honest with (and he wouldn't get angry or pressure me), and enjoy an evening a week with.
I wasn't looking for someone to love. I was looking for someone to like, and who liked me.
If you can feel down deep in your stomach that you are already looking to this guy to solve all your problems, feel great stress at the thought of proceeding, and aren't yet capable of just having a relaxing friendship to explore whether you like being together........then you DO have a big red flag, unfortunately. It's your own.
Can't really say - but I hope you are able to find a way to at least be friends. Friendship, even if it doesn't last forever, can be hugely healing. And it sounds like this person truly cares what happens to you.
Hoping for the best -- trust your gut and try to follow your brain, not your heart.
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Thinking with my head..
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
If he told you tomorrow that he didn't want to see you, that he'd changed his mind, would you still be okay? Or would you feel rejected and crushed? .
I would like a buddy to hang out with and do things together. I am not in the frame of mind to get hot and heavy with anyone, but I am not saying I am not a hot blooded woman and haven't thought about it. I am just not that eager to take that step. I am looking at one day at a time, and trying to live in the moment. The girl in me dreams of the possibility that there is a 'good', well rounded man out there.
I in no way want or need anyone to solve my problems, that route brought me to where I am at. WHICH isn't a bad place, in ways.. I have learnt so much about myself over the last 3 years that I can't imagine not having this growth. I had told my AXBF that maybe one day I would be able to thank him for leaving me. I am looking for that day. If he hadn't have left me, this last time, I would still be stuck in a horrible cycle and feeling lost and desperate. I don't EVER want to feel that way again. I wake up every morning and something 'new' clicks in me, and I feel fantastic. SR has been a lifesaver!
The AXBF text me today, I read it and didn't feel that tug that I did last week. I didn't respond. He just wanted to tell me that he misses me and loves me and is working in a recovery program, and then went on to tell me how much I hurt HIM!. (He is still in the mindset that all of this is my fault. ugghh.. oh well, his problem not mine. I have enough to deal with inside my head that I finally find myself not having a worry about his problems)
I appreciate everyone's input. I have learnt so much from everyone and will continue to learn and stay here at SR, because I KNOW I need daily reminders.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I have learned to take things slow and enjoy the journey. I have learned not to let things pass by and if they are meant to be it will happen. I think you are putting way to much thought into it. 
It's all in the journey, enjoy it for what it's worth.
It's all in the journey, enjoy it for what it's worth.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Look on having a friendship with this man as a halfway house, somewhere between the Lunatic Asylum you in with your AXBF and a Convent if your chose to encloister yourself.
You have certainly come a long way since I read your earlier posts and deserve to take a bow. He has been thru the pain of an alcoholic marriage, so at least you don't need to dot the i's and cross the t's with him.
Your son being best friend to his is good news, as if the man were a bit iffy, I am sure your son would have let you know by now.
Go ahead and enjoy a friendship as you would with any nice, understanding person and leave what will be to whatever it will be.
God bless
You have certainly come a long way since I read your earlier posts and deserve to take a bow. He has been thru the pain of an alcoholic marriage, so at least you don't need to dot the i's and cross the t's with him.
Your son being best friend to his is good news, as if the man were a bit iffy, I am sure your son would have let you know by now.
Go ahead and enjoy a friendship as you would with any nice, understanding person and leave what will be to whatever it will be.
God bless
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