How do you deal with a Perfect Friend

Old 11-08-2008, 05:53 AM
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How do you deal with a Perfect Friend

sorry this is so long

Something has been bothering me for quite a long time. I have a friend that I really do love - she is always there for me and has been a great part of my support system over the last couple of years. Her children are the same ages as mine and they are friends. Its a great situation to get together because everyone gets to hang out with a friend

Here's the downside, I'm so tired of hearing about her perfect kids all the time. As to our son's - they have been great friends for years. My AS is in rehab and she cannot see that if her son hangs out with my son and has the same friends that most likely he is into the same things as my son. Before she was always telling me whenever she heard he was using (not even considering that her's was using with him) My son actually has had a hard time being friends with her's now becuase they do "things" together but he is the only one who ever has repercussions for it because she just assumes its all my son's fault. Her husband is a bit more suspicious that their kid isnt quite as perfect as she thinks. But still she rants and raves to me about her son's grades and making varsity basketball while I have to give updates on rehab.

Then there are the daughters. Mine makes straight As, is president of student counsel, and has been a real trouper going through all of this. Her daughter she has to keep telling me is so smart becuase she is in target - she doesnt make straight As because she is just "different" from other kids and the target teacher says she's too smart for the advanced classes. blah blah blah - nothing my daughter does is ever as good as her's. Her daughter is lazy in school (which mom admits) and makes really good grades while my daughter works hard in school and makes perfect grades. I have more respect for a child that works hard then one who just sails through and doesnt apply themselves.

The final thing is that she is always poking her nose into our kids friendships. If they have an argument then she has to call me to tell me about how one of my kids was mean to her's and hurt their feelings. Okay my kids are 10 & 15 - kids at this age sometimes do/say mean things but calling their mom just seems very controlling and a bit unreasonable. My daughter hates to be compared to her friend and its actually hurts their relationship. For me, my kids are trying and they are my kids - I would never insinuate to another parent that my children are better than theirs. My AS gets caught for everything he does while her's gets away with everything he does. I havent even told her 1/2 of what I know about her son because i dont think she would believe it and I knew i might be doing it out of spite.

She doesnt mean to be hurtful and I do value her friendship but does anyone have any ideas how I can get my point across to her without hurting our friendship. I'm really nervous to talk to her about it. I also admit that there may be some jeolousy on my part - she's crazy beautiful, has a husband that adores her, has a beautiful home, etc. Yes she has her problems too - it is that side of her and how she overcomes her problems that I admire most in her. I need this woman in my life but also need to somehow let her know that it does bring me down when things are so tough right now.
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Old 11-08-2008, 06:32 AM
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If it makes any difference, we can only deny for so long, and if her son is truly headed for trouble, sadly her time will come.

I can only speak for myself but I can no longer associate with drama and meddling. I excuse myself quickly these days if a conversation begins to go there.
As far as your friendship, I have a feeling that NOT telling her how this affects you will have a more damaging effect than telling her.
Maybe you could mention to her (and remind her when she gets on a roll) that you are sorting through a lot right now and would prefer to talk about something else. Be prepared though, it sounds like she may have little to talk about besides her kids and their lives.
Good luck
(((Hugs)))
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Old 11-08-2008, 07:34 AM
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If her son is really into something bad himself, it's only a matter of time. But, I'm not sure it will matter. There will be some excuse about how he's "too smart for his own good," and was bored with the mundane life of a teen, so he had to spice it up to nourish his intellectual woes. (rolls eyes.)

The whole one-upmanship is really a pain sometimes.

As for her daughter, maybe she is "gifted," but if she can't apply herself and focus, then she's lazy, too. Bad combination.

I had a friend who was always this way. Every single story I told, they had a better one, or a friend who had it worse, or THEY had it worse (or better.) Finally, I just started saying, "Wow, you win! Mine isn't NEARLY as bad as yours." Or, on the whole, "my child is great," deal . . . I once told a lady, "Ya know, when I had my baby, I thought I'd be happy if she was a whiz, but in truth? I'm just thrilled that she's HAPPY and enjoying her childhood and having a blast!"

Sometimes, parents try to get their kids to grow up too fast. Sad, really.
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Old 11-08-2008, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by cece1960 View Post
Be prepared though, it sounds like she may have little to talk about besides her kids and their lives.
I was thinking the same thing. winnie, what else do you have in common besides children?
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Old 11-08-2008, 07:46 AM
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Winnie,
She may be in denial, big time.

I was there, too. Give her some space, she sure is going to need you, and your ESH someday.


Hugs and hugs...
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Old 11-08-2008, 08:24 AM
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Chino, we have a lot of the same spiritual, political views, share in a lot of the same hobbies - crafts, photography, cooking - we run into each other everywhere - school, grocery store. She doesnt work right now so yes her kids are the primary thing in her life right now.

But she really is a good friend in most ways. She is one of those people that you can call at 1:00 in the morning and always has my back. No friendship is perfect but I've been down a lot lately. I think parents going through this type of thing always question themselves so it would be nice if she could let me be proud of my daughter without always throwing in something about her's.

One thing that bothers my kids is no matter what they get involved in or do her's always have to do the same thing. My son is a phenominal guitar player so her's has to start playing. My daughter does her hair a certain way and then her daughter starts wearing her hair that way. Her kids seem to look up to mine and follow them and i wonder if this is not her way of trying to control that.

There is a lot of denial on her part and we all know its just a matter of time before her son starts getting caught by the law. Now that my son is in rehab and out of the picture I hope that she can see that its not his fault. They found a razor blade in her son's room one day and of course he claimed it was my son's. No one thought about the fact that my son hadnt been there in months - they just took his word for it. They drug tested him and since he passed they dropped it and blamed my kid. I know that the standard drug test isnt going to pick it up unless its done soon enough but just kept my mouth shut. Her son did get caught smoking pot a few weeks ago - of course just chalked up to "experimentation." Its sad and I dont want her or her son to go through what we have - I hope for his sake that he stops before it becomes more of a problem.

But honestly sometimes I just want to scream - your kid is just like mine but your too blind to see it.
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Old 11-08-2008, 08:50 AM
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When you say something positive about your kids, does she allow you to finish expressing your thoughts, share her positive thoughts about your kids, or go right into hers?

Do you think she pushes her kids to mimic yours in their choices or do you think they do it on their own? Is this something ongoing or something from the past?
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Old 11-08-2008, 09:09 AM
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She is always receptive about hearing about my kids but as soon as i'm done its countered with something about her's. It cant ever just be about mine.

No I dont think she wants her kids to be following mine - I think she wants them to be leaders. My kids I've always tried to teach to walk their own paths. My son is beligerently independant - when he was younger he always wanted to be different from everyone - befriended the kids no one liked (had a real soft spot for the special ed kids), did his hair the opposite of what other kids did, dressed differently - then all the other kids just followed suit with exactly what he did. He's very popular, girls adore him and although I hate the term he is the "cool kid" that all the kids want to be like and all the parents warn you to stay away from.

My daughter is very quiet and actually does things just because she likes them - she doesnt understand the compliment in people following her lead. She doesnt want to be a leader but because she excels in things and is so pleasant to be around she ends up in that role. Her teachers adore her and recommend her for every special honor where as my friends daughter is very smart but can also very difficult - she has all the potential but doesnt know what to do with it. Dont get me wrong - she's a great kid but I think they are BOTH great kids for different reasons.
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Old 11-08-2008, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by cece1960
I can only speak for myself but I can no longer associate with drama and meddling. I excuse myself quickly these days if a conversation begins to go there.
I have managed to keep some old friendships that I treasure by not discussing children. I listen attentively at how well their kids are doing, I comment positively as well, then I talk about something else. I will not get dragged into comparisons, and most times that's not their intentions either.

I think ALL our kids are gifted...God gave each one of us something special, and also some obstacles to overcome along the way.

Hugs
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Old 11-08-2008, 09:15 AM
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Winnie - that must be frustrating. I'm not a parent, but I have watched parents do this to each other, and some of my friends have been on the receiving end of this type of thing.

She comes across, from what you've shared, as very insecure about her own parenting. Justifying and defending instead of just being happy with what is.

Maybe, as suggested, a few key phrases that can deflect her when she starts on the kids subject with you so that the rest of your friendship can remain intact? I think Mooselips is right, there is probably going to come a day when her life smacks her straight in the face and she will need you.

People like that I think need extra kindness and compassion. Seems ridiculous in a way, looking at their lives from the outside, but you never know what goes on inside someone. Doesn't give her carte-blanche to say or do whatever she wants however.

If certain behaviors are just not acceptable to us, they're just not and boundaries need to be drawn no matter why or what for our own sanity.

(((hugs)))
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Old 11-08-2008, 09:31 AM
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I know I asked you a bunch of questions but it was to get a feel for her and your needs. I have friends and family who, no matter what I'm going through, always want to talk about their stuff.

Originally Posted by winnie12 View Post
I think parents going through this type of thing always question themselves so it would be nice if she could let me be proud of my daughter without always throwing in something about her's.
Since you value her friendship, can you say something like this to her:

There are times when I need to talk about my kids and only my kids. If you can give me that, I promise I will do my best to give you the same in return when you need it.

I've had to do that a lot over the last few years. I still talk with the friends and family that honor it, and the ones that don't, not any more.
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