ACOA Dealing with Issues from Long Ago
I like cereal!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 30
ACOA Dealing with Issues from Long Ago Hi Everyone -
This is my first 'indepth' post here on SR.
Is anyone else feeling weird about recovery when the alcoholism was so many years ago???
My mom became an alcoholic after my father died when I was nine.
I'm now 42.
I have a terrible, terrible defense of pushing people who love me away when I'm depressed. (I have chemical depression as well.) This emoticon is my whole life:
I was just wondering if anyone else thinks its a bit odd that you're still so messed up so many years after the fact. I mean, I can see how it screwed with my entire life. Thankfully, I've forgiven my mother but I still have the residual effects of that.
I'm crazy, aren't I?
This is my first 'indepth' post here on SR.
Is anyone else feeling weird about recovery when the alcoholism was so many years ago???
My mom became an alcoholic after my father died when I was nine.
I'm now 42.
I have a terrible, terrible defense of pushing people who love me away when I'm depressed. (I have chemical depression as well.) This emoticon is my whole life:
I was just wondering if anyone else thinks its a bit odd that you're still so messed up so many years after the fact. I mean, I can see how it screwed with my entire life. Thankfully, I've forgiven my mother but I still have the residual effects of that.
I'm crazy, aren't I?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
No no no! You are NOT crazy! 
When you're exposed to alcoholism as a kid, its effects become built into your personality, so you carry it with you long after the alcohol is gone from your environment... for years in many, many cases. And for many people, it's a lifelong battle to overcome.
Feel free to post here as much as you like. Read other people's posts too. This forum is a valuable library of people's experiences in coping and overcoming difficulties brought on by alcoholism and other rough circumstances. Welcome to SR!
When you're exposed to alcoholism as a kid, its effects become built into your personality, so you carry it with you long after the alcohol is gone from your environment... for years in many, many cases. And for many people, it's a lifelong battle to overcome.
Feel free to post here as much as you like. Read other people's posts too. This forum is a valuable library of people's experiences in coping and overcoming difficulties brought on by alcoholism and other rough circumstances. Welcome to SR!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Cheese - Welcome!
Pushing people away, still dealing with old issues, struggling to more forward, repeatedly asking my HP "Please, Sir, some normal, just a little, please"??
Yup, Been there - Done that.
But making progress. One step at a time.
I am 46. I thought I had really made some positive changes by moving to a beautiful area and getting a new career. But my rewarding yet very stressful career path has exposed some old ghosts in the attic that are still haunting me many years after both my alcoholic parents had passed away.
You are aware of the problem and you are posting here. You want to make progress, and that is progress. Yes, it is. Are you going to Alanon or ACOA meetings?
Pushing people away, still dealing with old issues, struggling to more forward, repeatedly asking my HP "Please, Sir, some normal, just a little, please"??
Yup, Been there - Done that.
But making progress. One step at a time.
I am 46. I thought I had really made some positive changes by moving to a beautiful area and getting a new career. But my rewarding yet very stressful career path has exposed some old ghosts in the attic that are still haunting me many years after both my alcoholic parents had passed away.
You are aware of the problem and you are posting here. You want to make progress, and that is progress. Yes, it is. Are you going to Alanon or ACOA meetings?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Why should these behaviors not still be with us, if we don't do anything to change them? I've been in therapy for over 5 years straight now, and each time I think I have things straightened out, something else pops up. We were brought up with these behaviors often quite heavily reinforced in us, it only makes sense that it will stick with us for a very long time.
I had a rather unpleasant episode with oatmeal when I was very young (3? less than 3?). I still can't stand oatmeal. Thankfully I don't have to eat oatmeal to function in the world, or I'd probably be talking to my therapist about that too
We had rather unpleasant interactions with those we wanted to be most close to. It's no wonder that we now often try to avoid getting close to people, for the same reason I don't eat oatmeal.
You're not crazy at all, it makes perfect sense when seen in the bright light of emotionally healthy behaviors.
I had a rather unpleasant episode with oatmeal when I was very young (3? less than 3?). I still can't stand oatmeal. Thankfully I don't have to eat oatmeal to function in the world, or I'd probably be talking to my therapist about that too
We had rather unpleasant interactions with those we wanted to be most close to. It's no wonder that we now often try to avoid getting close to people, for the same reason I don't eat oatmeal.
You're not crazy at all, it makes perfect sense when seen in the bright light of emotionally healthy behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
Hello Cheese.
I don't really have much more to add except to back up what dothi and grewup (and Ginger, sorry I was writing while you posted!) have said. Although the alcoholism that we were witness to as a kid may be over now, the lessons that we learned on how to survive such a destructive situation are harder to undo. I certainly don't think you're crazy! By being here and opening up to us, you're already making steps to stop pushing people away.
I hope that you feel able to continue to share your feelings, and that you gain the same feeling of support that I do from the lovely people here and from reading posts such as yours and knowing that I am not alone.
I don't really have much more to add except to back up what dothi and grewup (and Ginger, sorry I was writing while you posted!) have said. Although the alcoholism that we were witness to as a kid may be over now, the lessons that we learned on how to survive such a destructive situation are harder to undo. I certainly don't think you're crazy! By being here and opening up to us, you're already making steps to stop pushing people away.
I hope that you feel able to continue to share your feelings, and that you gain the same feeling of support that I do from the lovely people here and from reading posts such as yours and knowing that I am not alone.
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
Hi Cheese - I was 26 by the time I realized there was anything I needed to deal with. And I was a psych major! We can't control what triggers old baggage.
Also, think of your personality as a dirt road, and your experience with your parents as a carriage making ruts in that road. Even if you moved out at 17, that's 17 years of making those ruts deeper and deeper. 6, 205 days. It will take at least that long to make new ruts (new neural connections in your brain, new automatic reactions). And even longer to fill in the original ruts.
Anecdote: I met a man who had been a police officer and a marine, and then became a pastor, and never had any emotional issues to his earlier encounters with death and destruction. Until he was 65, and his wife cheated on him. All of a sudden, he started having nightmares. Not about his wife, about his experiences from decades earlier.
We all recover in our own time.
Also, think of your personality as a dirt road, and your experience with your parents as a carriage making ruts in that road. Even if you moved out at 17, that's 17 years of making those ruts deeper and deeper. 6, 205 days. It will take at least that long to make new ruts (new neural connections in your brain, new automatic reactions). And even longer to fill in the original ruts.
Anecdote: I met a man who had been a police officer and a marine, and then became a pastor, and never had any emotional issues to his earlier encounters with death and destruction. Until he was 65, and his wife cheated on him. All of a sudden, he started having nightmares. Not about his wife, about his experiences from decades earlier.
We all recover in our own time.
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