waiting551

I am having a hard time having my AH back in the house with me... We separated for one month and during that month he was still out drinking and in no way did he hit rock bottom... he was living with his sister and had his own room and own bathroom and he had dinner ready for him every night while there and he still went out on the weekends....
He told me he was going to AA while he ordered a corona one night when we went to dinner and admited to losing money on horse races bc he was drinking the Sunday before he came back to live with me.... He said he would change but didnt go to his classes till I brought it up..stupid me for doing that ..

I have had so many ppl tell me I have lost that spark I had the last month and I can feel the tension in my gut every time I am driving home bc I know he is gonna be there.... is it wrong for me to try it on my own again or like they say to detach? I know everything I get on here is just advice but I need all the help and advice I can get.... Alanon is in my agneda for tonight but that is more for me than to help our marriage ... when ever I talk to him about his addiction he gets angry and tells me this is the way its gonna be for the rest of our marriage and I tell him its not easy to just forget until I see steps of his recovery.... I feel like I am pushing somebody to change something that they love doing more than they love me or the marriage

Freedom1990

Personally I could not detach and live in the same home with the EXAH. I was dying inside, piece by piece.

waiting551

That is exactly what is happening to me... I am not hungery at home anymore and I dont find joy in anything except when it comes time for me to go to work.... I thought I would see a big difference in him but it is the same pattern I always see... the typical be really nice hide his drinking behind my back and slowly drink more and more in front of me until he calls me one night and say Ok I will be home in 20 minutes and he goes out on one of his all night drinking binges... I am in between on what to do about his threats of if I tell him to leave bc I need more time he wont come back.... serious or not? I do still love him but the hate is over powering it day by day when I look at him

waiting551

I guess its is the fear he will go out and drink and drive and get deported or maybe its just the sense I need to accept it if he isnt ready to change ... maybe the fear of being alone .... maybe the fear to let him really go

denny57

I would consider the idea that by maybe working on yourself, it will have positive effects for your marriage, whatever form that takes.

Good luck and keep posting!

GiveLove

When I tried to detach from within the confines of a relationship that I KNEW was not feeding me -- and in fact was damaging me -- I fell into a terrible depression, day by day, that might just have taken my life.

It's not something I would choose to do any more, no matter what the risk to someone else. His problems are his problems, not mine to solve.

Bernadette

Can you accept him and this relationship just as it is - today - not what it "could" be if he changed or things were different?

You can ONLY change you!

Your friends are telling you you have lost the spark you had while you were on your own? You dread coming HOME??

These are some pretty powerful indicators.

when ever I talk to him about his addiction he gets angry and tells me this is the way its gonna be for the rest of our marriage
I believe him. Do you?

I feel like I am pushing somebody to change something that they love doing more than they love me or the marriage
I believe you!! Don't ever take this as a reflection on YOU though!! You are lovable and deserve much much more than THIS. He is just doing exactly what alcoholics do. Don't take it to heart, he is sick and part of the sickness is it destroys relationships. You are not powerful enough to make it go away or stop.

You ARE powerful enough to heal yourself and make the life you want a reality. The past is gone. You are free in this moment.

(((hugs))) Good luck at AlAnon tonight! I hope you find something good to take with you from the meeting!
Peace-
B.

waiting551

Anvil-

I guess the belief comes from all the past... ie: getting deported .he knows if he gets another DUI it is a felony in our state and a felony=deportation.
the drinking and driving=fear of losing him to death or again deportation bc he drove home drunk the day I kicked him out...

I know the signs are all pointing me in the right direction it is just taking that first step... I should not have let him back in

waiting551

Bernadette thank u
He has made those comments many times and look where we still are... like he told me last night we are not gonna make it through this if u keep bringing up the past !! I told him well if you didnt bring back the past I could move on.. He just gets annoyed and walks away ... I need to listen to him he knows what he will or wont do and even though he went to a class last night I dont feel any better about the whole thing

ToughChoices

It was so scary for me when I started to realize that, no matter how much I wanted and hoped and twisted and prayed and cried my AH was going to do EXACTLY what he wanted to do.

And that was drink.

He told me as much.

Why did I spend SO long trying to "reinterpret" his words to mean something else?
Why did I refuse to admit that our relationship was going no where fast?
He couldn't give me what I wanted.

When I lived with AH I spent a lot of time feeling betrayed and angry about his drinking - it was very difficult to detach.
Giving up the dream of "happily ever after" with my AH gave me the freedom to truly detach, to truly wish him the best, to truly see him for what he is without trying to change him.

Moving out restored my sanity.

I'm thinking of you tonight - wishing you strength and courage!
-TC

waiting551

Very true I make it harder than it needs to be..... Leave .... One word that is hard for me to say but I ask myself what gave me the strength the first time??

GrowingPains

I've heard almost exactly the same things out of my AH.

He's been living elsewhere since mid-September, though. Although we see each other a little now and get along, I can't imagine him moving back in because he has no desire to quit drinking and would only do the same b.s. he was before. Everyone here is right -- until HE realizes he has a problem and takes the initiative to do something about it, it will be the same old over and over and over...

I also worry about mine drinking too much and doing something horribly stupid and/or lethal sometimes, but I also realize I wasn't able to keep him from doing horribly stupid stuff when we lived together. When my head goes there, I hand him back to his higher power. That's all I can do.

Freedom1990

I was terrified enough of being alone that I endured 5 years of hell with the EXAH. The problem was, when I left him, I still didn't address my codependency issues and would ultimately end up in more sick relationships because in my mind, that was better than being alone.

I kept that pattern up for 12 very long and painful years.

I had to walk through the discomfort of being alone in order to get past it.

As I started on my journey of self, and made a serious commitment NOT to get hooked up with someone again, regardless of how lonely I got, I started making progress.

Today I can say with 100% certainty that I cherish my 'me' time, not answering to anyone, and have a very full life.

If Mr. Right happens to come along at some point, cool. If he doesn't, that's perfectly okay with me too.

I'm enrolled full-time in college classes online and working towards a double degree.

I am a good person worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and so are you!

Learn to be your best friend. I can promise you it is well worth the effort! :ghug

waiting551

I see so many signs everyday as to if this marriage is gonna work and in my head it is telling me "Look there he goes again" The last time he went out all night till 11 am the next morning he called me to call his boss and lie for him.. I heard that and was ok I will do that but you need to move out.... I had the strength then and it is hard right now bc he hasnt been drinking , that I know of he just didnt go to any AA class within a week... and when I asked why he didnt go he tried to make up lame excuses such as well it snowed that day and oh I was..... I stopped him right there and said NO.... that will not work for me...... I wish I was in my right head last night to just tell him to leave but I have today and 2 morrow to say it as well.... and if he can easliy say its over bc of another couple months of living apart then I will be able to see my 5 years of fighting for this marriage were not enough to show him what he is losing

Bernadette

I will be able to see my 5 years of fighting for this marriage were not enough to show him what he is losing

Don't blame yourself, and don't think he doesn't know what he is losing - he is losing a good person and a chance at a happy marriage-- but he is an alcoholic and he will continue to make bad choices unless and until he gets serious about recovery, and he sounds very far away from that.


You, on the other hand, are here and at AlAnon and seeking the tools to get YOU to a better brighter place!

Do not take this as a sign that what you "showed" him was not enough!!! And him being this way- forcing you to step up and move on and take care of yourself may be part of your destiny and the best thing for you!!

Peace-
B.

blessed4x

Same for me, Freedom. I have moments I'm good at it, but I'm constantly in the "fight or flight" mode. Tonight, my AH spent 6 hours out in the garage drinking. I was inside, took a warm bath, read, watched TV with the kids.........then the moment I heard the door handle turn for him to come in I felt my heart rate and respirations increase, and the tension immediately flooded in.

It must be possible for some people to detach, but I don't want to work that hard to have an emotionally unfulfilling relationship.

waiting551

Well he did go to AA last night but even though he is going I still feel the same towards him.... I told him straight up I do not feel the same for you .. I am glad and happy for him that he is going to his classes but the only thing I come back to is when I gave him my heart again when he went to classes last Nov for 2 months almost everyday and I had it ripped out and torn to shreds when he started back up again... I feel like just bc I mentioned it to him about his classes he is going to please me for a lil while bc he knows what I will fall for.... I am still seriously considering kicking him out bc I do not have the same emotions for him anymore... I feel if we were not living together I can see if he will continue to go to classes or if he will just get pissed off again and continue on with his life of addiction..... This just tears me up inside bc I want to be the same old wife I was in the beginning but he has left me with a big empty space in my heart

denny57

I finally chose to fill the empty spaces with things that made me happy, and that was not him. It wasn't his responsibility to make me happy. Today my life is full and full of joy. Alcoholism and someone else's rotten behavior because of it, doesn't play a role.

What do you love to do that has nothing to do with him?

waiting551

This hurts so much because he is really trying but no matter how hard I try to believe him .... I still get that instinct to run and run fast away from him.... I so much want to tell him to leave and let me live while he sorts out his own problems.... and I sort out mine... What is it that holds me back is it still fear of being alone?? I know what is best for me but I guess only time will tell??