waiting551

As you may know from my postings my AH is back in the house after I kicked him out for one month..yesterday I called him on his not going to AA and yes I know its only been a week since he has been home but I thought he meant it when he said he wanted to change..

Last night we talked and it went nowhere... he ended up going to his class after I told him he needed to go ..
I really felt better when he wasnt home because I wasnt putting my entire life around him with me worrying if he is drinking or is he doing cocaine again.. we were in constant contact the entire month which may have been bad to do but it was something I was new to ... I still felt like I needed to be there for him..

Last night he told me "If you need more time and want me to leave I will not be coming back"! I was at a loss for words...do I tell him ok just leave or do I fight some more for us to work it out... He also told me "I will give it 2 months and I will keep going to my classes and after that if you dont feel any different about me then im outta ur life forever..

He got pissed of that I was saying anything about him not going when I told him b4 that I didnt think I had to tell him to go to AA... He started to give me the excuses of well it was snowing and its hasnt been a week yet.. I am going to start going to Al Anon and I am to the point that I am done and just want to give up.... its been 5 years of the same thing on and off and nothing has changed..
I really need the time apart from him but I feel like he is trapping me into keeping him home by saying its over if he has to leave again ..Or is his threatening me by saying its over his addiction talking again.. I am only so strong with this and I want to have kids someday but his actions are holding me back...

I think to myslef maybe I should just tell him I need more time and if he is going to want to end it on that condition then its his option...
:wtf2

jehnifer

You wrote: I really need the time apart from him but... But what? what could be more important right now than your sense of peace and well-being? He may threaten, beg, blame whatever -all that is just quacking. Do for yourself FIRST, and if the relationship is meant to be then it will work out. Please look after yourslef. Dont let it go another 5 years!

waiting551

Thank u Jen
I am just at a loss bc he is making it all out to be about me and me not wanting to work it out and its only been a week.... his anger shows me he isnt ready for change.... I had to get by my anger and talk to him but he seems to get angery everytime I mention I am sad or feeling bad bc he will say Oh ok it is all my fault... I have a difficult desicion to make tonight bc I cannot go on living in fear of him going back down the same road and nothing seems to scare him into stopping his love for alcohol

jehnifer

Its not you even if thats what he is trying to convince you of. IT IS NOT YOU. Maybe step away a bit from trying to discuss this and talk through it sensibly - sounds like he doesnt handle the discussions very well anyway, and his anger is unsettling to you. Plus I dont think is very capable of understanding or caring too much about your emotions through all of this - your sadness, etc. Actions speak louder than words anyway. Take a step for you and then see what happens.

denny57

Today I would not accept someone in my life who gave me ultimatums to keep me silent and in line. Al Anon and therapy helped me get to that place. You are a worthy person who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

((( )))

queenteree

Sounds like manipulation and an impending relapse to me. I knew once AH came back home only a short time ago (and I, like you, liked my peace without him there) and cut down on his meetings and was stepped down in his early sobriety group to only once a week (for good progress) that a relapse was going to happen. I never asked my AH if he was going to meetings, never told him to go to meetings, but knew he was not going to as many. And, he relapsed.
Just remember, alcoholics need you more than you need them. They'd just like you to think otherwise. Keep strong. I know it's hard, but you can do it. I'm not a gambler, but when I'm manipulated and I feel strongly about something, I do what I feel and roll the dice.

waiting551

Thank you guys I knew there was a reason I came back to this forum....

When I came on here in July my AH was into cocaine and he has yet to even go to a NA class or get a sponser for that and the sad thing is he was going to AA when I found the cocaine in his wallet the first time... so maybe he is just using the classes as cover to make me happy... I saw changes in him when he went to the classes but I dont think he has seen any of those changes.. I know it is just him manipulating me and last night when he said if I leave Im not coming back I should have said "OK then leave" but I didnt I got that scared feeling and that is the feeling I need to get rid of bc it isnt helping anything but make me attach to him
He thinks the last month has been so hard and I tell him last MONTH what about the last 5 years,,,,

It is tearing me up inside !!

waiting551

And something else he told me las night after he said if he left again he wasnt coming home was "this whole thing of us being separated is just a game we are playing"
I didnt see it as being a game!!

Jadmack25

Nobody has the right to play ball with your mind and heart, but a real ball game has more than 1 player.
Perhaps you need to stop returning his serves, and move off the court for a while, this is detaching.
If, as queenteree suspects, it is "an impending relapse", you will at least be working on yourself and what you need and that is a step forward.

God bless

waiting551

The detachment is the hard part because the codie part of me is saying "Oh if you kick him back out again he will quit his classes and never make it.....it is sick to think he has this much control over me and he doesnt even realize it or maybe he does.... I am just torn on what to do!!! It scares me to even give in to him one once!

prairiegirl

I think it's the alcohol talking and his need for control. It's a threat that works for most codependents. I know because I stayed for 16 years. He would say things similar to what your partner said to you, as well as telling me how I had such a good thing in him and he would list all his qualities that he said I'd never find out there. When I used to talk to him about his drinking, he'd tell me that one day, if I didn't stop nagging, I would find myself very alone and how sorry I would be.

All I would like to say to you is, if you want children, like I did, don't keep waiting for him to change because it could be years or never. I promised myself I would never bring children into a situation like that and so what happened is, because I kept waiting for him to get sober, I missed the opportunity to have children at all. Now we finally have separated but it's too late for me.

Maybe give yourself a time limit of how much longer you are prepared to wait and let him know how much you love him and want him to get healthy so that you can have a wonderful life together and start a family. Then you are telling him the conditions under which you are prepared to continue the relationship and it will be up to him to risk losing you or not.

vegibean

Before I read that YOU wrote it I was going to say, Al-Anon!!!!!

Don't let him manipulate you. If he wants to leave, pack his bags for him.

waiting551

Thanks to everbody for the advice... it helps to know your not alone or going crazy through all of this ... My ah is still going to his classes 2 times a week but .... I cannot get back to the place I was before.... I cannot look at him in the same way or with the same amount of love.... I am at the point where I feel him as a good friend and nothing more... Has anybody been to this same point and scared to let him back into your heart?

Midas

Letting go is harder than wanting to hold on for dear life. Whatever your decision is, to stay and work it out or to go separate ways, you're not responsible for HIS reactions. You didn't cause his alcoholism. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

I would be reluctant to let someone back into my life after the topsy-turvy past as you've described. My codie nature would usually want to drop everything and run TO them. I used to be willing to do anything to keep the relationship afloat.

If the ship is sinking, don't let him drag you down with it.

GiveLove

I have lost the love I once had for someone because they "beat it out of me" with multiple waves of abuse, irresponsibility, and disloyalty.

Though I was upset too at first, I came to realize that it really wasn't anything to beat myself up about, nor to go to heroic efforts to "get the feeling back."

You would still feel that way if he hadn't done what he's done.

This is a consequence of his behavior. You don't trust him, and you dont' feel the passion.

You have a couple of choices, really: Stay and try hard to get back a feeling that he's pulverized for you, or leave and try to open yourself up to finding a relationship where there is trust, love, no stress, no addiction, and a future without these guessing games you have to go through.

You might give yourself a time limit. A month. Three. Six. Whatever it takes to make you feel like you gave it a chance. I did, and it helped me to move on with a clear conscience when I finally realized there was no going back.

Take care of YOU -- you are important, and you have a long life ahead of you still.

waiting551

well it didnt take long for my AH to miss his alcohol... Sat night he got drunk and drove home... I didnt yell or scream I was at a place where I didnt know what to say or what to do and even today I have no idea what to think or say to him ... That night I told him I didnt understand why is it when I start to getting to a point of being able to be around him again he goes and pulls this crap again... he just told me he was sad because I wasnt acting normal around him yet so he was sad...lol lame excuse!!
Its been a month and I know they will relapse but I was thinking a relapse would be ok honey yes I drank and can you come pick me up but no the lies again and then driving home as if it was ok!!
I am seeing he has not hit his rock bottom and I am starting to feel he used his classes to apease me . I thought they were helping him but I am starting to seriously doubt that.
I am at a difficult time right now as to what to do and I am scared on my next step... any words of advice on what any of you guys have done when you dont know if you have any more to give and when and how you know enough is enough...

I want to be happy with him again but I dont want to be taken advantage of anymore

denny57

I left.

Might not be want you want to hear, but that's what I did.

((( )))

waiting551

Sad to say that is what I expected to hear.... I am just looking to get any ideas on what exactly is a relapse vs just doing what they want...I mean he didnt say he was drinking when he got home but I got it out of him and then to the point where he said he did drive home... where is any consideration in any of that.. am I being to harsh to say I believe it was more than just a normal relapse but what can be considered normal?
I want to help him but am scared to get sucked back into the lies and deceit again.. I have been told I have to big of a heart and need to let him go...which is my next step bc at this point I have nothing more to give..
and cannot believe the things he says to me .... before I left for St. louis on work trip I told him to use my car if he needs to but only if he is gonna be responsible and not drink and drive bc we would have a big prob if he crashed bc he isnt on insurance and its a brand new car so we would have to pay it off, he looks at me and says I know you love your car more than me!!! I couldnt believe what he was telling me... he has no idea what he has in front of him... and that is what hurts the most.

cassandra2

waiting----I was reading your post and just would like to point out from my experience and from what I have read in your posts that it seems to me your AH was never in recovery at all. So this relapse isnt really a relapse he waited long enough for things to be status quo and then continued his behavior.

My ex had a very bad oxy habit. He is in rehab now. I have been educating myself as to what I need to see in order for me to know that he is making positive steps in the direction of recovery. Lying/manipulation are both hallmarks of addiction in either drugs or alcohol and as long as that is the case recovery will not be something they can grasp. My ex is still trying to manipulate me in subtle ways. I expect that to continue. But what I can say is that he is out of the home now and I feel that that is so much better then having him here and trying to deal with all of this.

From a distance I can see the manipulation even as subtle as it is now. I am still able to continue on with my life and what is making me feel better on a day to day basis. I am not tangled up in his problems and trying to "fix it" or "make him see". Addicts wont/cant see the TRUTH until they grasp it for themselves. So maybe it would be better for him to leave and work on his own recovery. It would be better for you to have some distance and less emotional ties to him if you detach. Who knows maybe when you put some distance between the two of you you will see that maybe he isnt the guy for you and that all of this time your putting into this marriage is time you could be putting into yourself and get what YOU want out of life.....

Prayers to you. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

j0hn0than1964

Hello Waiting and Cassandra,

I feel for you as I know all about the manipulation aspects of addicts, as we will twist every single thing without always knowing we are behaving this way. I know this well because that is just what I did for years and it is not healthy to be around. Until I decided to check into treatment and take my recovery seriously I did not change and I was not pleasant to be around. Now that I have learned more than a few things about this behavior I can see it so planly now.
Be careful and just try to be as honest with yourself as you can be and that will typically lead you to the right decision.

JT