In I go again ...

Old 11-06-2008, 04:51 PM
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In I go again ...

I changed my bank account last week and I know that my AW is out of money. Even though we had the same amount, she always go through it faster. I know that she borrowed some money from her mother and then told her father this afternoon she didnt have any money. I thought I would give her some to get her through until I could put some money in the account tomorrow. So I call.

What a moron I am.

She starts in on how happy she is now. How now that she is out from under my controlling thumb how happy she is. She was just telling her principle that every day without me she gets a little happier.

And don't bother with the money, she is coming to my work tomorrow and she wants $1000! I said I was going to give you money but I am not giving you that much. Oh yes you are she says.

I told her that I don't come to the school and interrupt her job and that if she comes to mine I will call the police and they will escort her off the property.

Just when I think I have started to get it together I go and do something stupid.

My favorite part is how she wants to see her son. I said to her that she could have seen him and your daughter yesterday. Her parents were watching them while I was working. They had invited her to dinner. Well she thought one thing that was different than the reality and so flew off the handle and said just never mind then. She was more interested in having things her way that seeing her son.

I have noticed though that while writing this I am calming down more quickly. Why did I call? Why did I think that there was going to be anything else on the other end of the conversation than what there was? I am still waiting for the divorce papers to come through. I think I will call her lawyer and find out what is going on. Maybe I need to file them myself.

I think I am finished. God, I hope I am. I am so sick of the emotional tug of war. Sick of her selfishness and the accusations that I broke this relationship. Does she really see it that way?

I have noticed some things lately that seem really odd too. She is taking Lexapro for depression and still drinking on top of it. I noticed that her handwriting is different. Her signature is different. I have known this woman for 22 years and I have never known her to be so cruel or so un-mother-like. I have read that sometimes A's have mini-strokes. Does anyone have any personal information on this? Could there be something else wrong? These are the things that I have been thinking lately.
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Old 11-06-2008, 04:58 PM
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My ex was drinking heavy when she started getting depressed.. (probably alcohol induced depression), so she went to a shrink at lied about why she was depressed, then was prescribed ADs. When she started taking the ADs her personality changed rapidly and in three months I was ready to call it quits and talk to a lawyer.
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Old 11-06-2008, 07:26 PM
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I guess it is the "rapidly" that throws me. You know? It is strange.

I am ready to call it quits. I feel like there is hope FOR ME around the corner. I have really great friends who are supportive, My family is there and supportive, her family is there and supportive. I have my hobbies that I can now devote more time to. I have my son who I am getting to spend some very good quality time together. My son and I have found a church that feels right and supportive. Everything is right there in front of me.

Now if I can only get my heart to fall in line with my mind.

I know what to do. I know why I have to do it. But it doesn't make the doing any easier.

If I can only will away the pain.
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Old 11-06-2008, 09:54 PM
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Don't call her lawyer. I'm sorry that is advice, which I try not to give, but I urge you, do not interact with her attorney yourself.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's awful.
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Old 11-06-2008, 10:22 PM
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My expereince has been that as a partner and family member of an alcoholic, I do too much - I try to force a situation to resolve itself.

Recovery for me has been and is still about learning that sometimes it is best for me to do nothing, as weird as it feels. And believe me at times it feels dreadfully weird!
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Old 11-07-2008, 03:25 AM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
I guess it is the "rapidly" that throws me. You know? It is strange.
Very strange. In fact I would not have believed it possible if it were not for the fact that I witnessed the change with my very own eyes. But the combinations of ADs on top of an alcohol induced brain chemistry imbalance is scary stuff.

I agree with Denny, it's best to not contact her lawyer. Take care of yourself and your son. I don't know your whole situation but it seems to me the separation needs to be made legal with a signed agreement outlining custody, support and property settlement details. If you own your home and she wants to retain the marital residence then she should buy you out. And I would get legal adcive about providing any support money until an agreement is signed.
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Old 11-07-2008, 07:24 AM
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I agree with Denny, it's best to not contact her lawyer.
Of course in the light of the morning you are right. Funny how a little sleep can help to clear your head.

It just keeps getting better. She called this morning and asked if I had deposited money for her. I said no. I had just dropped off our son at school. But when the bank opens I'll go down there and take care of it as I don't have a debit card or checks yet.

I told her that i was no longer interested in reconciling and i think that really threw her for a loop. Her tantrum was one of despair. Like a child who realized that they had pushed too far. She started to scream like seriously at the top of her voice and I swear I heard her retch. She mumbled something incoherent then hung up. I called back and she mumbled again then hung up. I called back a third time (Step right up and see the human blockhead! He will try to break through a brick wall using only his head!) and left her a message asking her to let me know she was ok. I guess I won't be hearing from her anymore today.

The funny thing is that I don't care.

But wait. She did just call me and calmly told me she was ok. I said thank you for that. We talked for a bit more about money and she started to get mad. She gets mad because she thinks I am trying to screw her over.

The thing that gets me most is the deal with our son. She was so mad about Wednesday night when she couldn't get her way. Which she said this morning on the phone that she should be able to talk to him alone. I told her that if she wanted to be a mother to him it wouldn't matter who was around. That there shouldn't be secretive talk to an 11 year old. I told her that he doesn't want to see her because she is acting crazy and out of control and that I will not make him spend time with her if he doesn't want to. She just doesn't get it. In her mind I am keeping him from her. She actually said that the reason he was getting trouble in school is because I won't let her see him.

She almost got it right.

The good thing is that any hope for reconciling this is gone. I know that seems callous. But that is what has been weighing me down. I have realized that my life has been calmer and better since I moved out. I feel like I finally get the "Detaching with love" concept. I don't wish her any ills in fact I hope that she gets help and is able to find peace someday. But I know my direction.

Geesh! What a morning!
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Old 11-07-2008, 07:34 AM
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I've been at this point many times and being the sappy, codependent wuss I am, something sends me running back.

I think knowing how much better life can be without an active addict in the mix has been key in my recovery. I'm not quite there (as much I'd like to be) but I do know I can't live with active addiction. I don't want it and my kids don't deserve it. It's a process for me but knowing that my AH is still drinking makes me just not care about our marriage much. We're separated at this time.

You sound like you're strong and confident and that is definitely something you should take great pride in.

((( hugs )))) :ghug3
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Old 11-07-2008, 07:43 AM
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It sounds like you are doing great.

I had that weight too- of not really accepting, but more and more that weight is lifting. Just lately I am realizing that this is my life- there's not the chaos, there's no partner- and yes the dream is gone, but I can make my own life/dream. It is definitely freeing.

Take care. . .
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Old 11-07-2008, 07:56 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through all this. I am to except I am the x-wife of an alcoholic. He too is harming the kids, lying ,secretive, and abandoning them in favor of his need of the moment. 2 counselors have recommended a certain path with the kids. According to XAH both are nuts and wrong. Therefore he is justified, in his mind, in not seeing his kids. I cannot grasp this.

Have you checked with a lawyer? I ask because the parenting (custody) issues need to be well thought out and a lawyer can advise in this area.
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Old 11-07-2008, 08:33 AM
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Thank you all. I have check with a lawyer and she is ready to go to bat. I am still waiting for the proverbial other show to drop in that I still have not gotten any papers. Once I get those then I will be able to see what she is asking for.

You sound like you're strong and confident and that is definitely something you should take great pride in.
It seems like it is me but in reality it is my support system that is keeping me strong. I am very lucky to have the friends and family that I do. And that includes all of you! Thank you.
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Old 11-07-2008, 09:03 PM
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I did giver some money today. Not a whole lot because she overdrew the joint checking account and that had to be dealt with. I actually got 2 thank yous from her today.

It has been a while since she has even been cordial. All I am asking for is civility until the divorce is final. I am tired of being yelled at!
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Old 11-07-2008, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
It seems like it is me but in reality it is my support system that is keeping me strong.
When I reached out for support, my doctor said to me: it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing. Today I understand what he meant. You are stronger than you think. ((( )))
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