Pajarito

A little background- After struggling with STBXAH's infidelity, alcoholism, gambling, and all around difficult behavior, I am divorcing him. However- this is after he had decided he wanted to separate a year and 3 months ago because he is not an alcoholic, and I am trying to control him. Come to find out, he was also at that time having an affair with a co-worker- at least emotionally. So I told him to leave. . .

We have a hearing on the 18th. He was served papers yesterday- and they are not pretty. There are copies of documents he made outlining his gambling online- and I am talking about thousands of dollars, there are also photos of his alcohol stashes I've found while trying to get our house ready to sell. I was told by my lawyer to get these things together because he denies he has a problem, and it is impacting me (obviously emotionaly!) and financially as well. I also documented over the past year and 3 months the issues I've had with him including oversleeping for scheduled times with dd, exposing her to his new girlfriend- which has caused her distress, and not showing up or choosing to spend time with his girlfriend instead of dd during their scheduled time. I feel "dirty" airing all of this out- but I also am tired of hiding these things. His issues/his consequences. I feel I can no longer pretend these things didn't happen, and right now my biggest concern is dd's welfare- as well as mine- so for me, leaving these things out of the picture seems like the same old denial and hiding I've done for years. STBXAH walked away from everything and is now leaving me financially responsible for our house- which I am unable to carry alone. He can afford to help me out, but has chosen not to, which affects not only me but dd as well. I knew he would be mad, but why didn't I anticipate his family being mad?

His mom- who up to now has been ok with me- left me an angry voicemail last night. I did not call her back and don't intend to address her- but I feel like krap! I also feel this is just the way it has to be- she is in denial. Even if I were to outline all the issues I've dealt with over the past 18 years, I am pretty sure she would not hear me. SHE was married to a physically abusive alcoholic for almost 20 years, so you'd think on some level she would get it. He raised STBXAH- it's apparent to me now why he is the way he is. It's just so hard to be "making" people angry when I have spent my life trying so hard to be "good." My childhood was about trying to appease my father so we didn't have to endure his wrath- and now I am seeing the same patterns in myself in dealign with STBXAH- my life with him was about trying to be everything to make him happy so he wouldn't drink, gamble, look at other women, etc. I KNOW I can't control this. I just need some support- maybe some stories. . . Thanks!

Freedom1990

You're not making anyone angry dear; it's their choice to be angry.

My mother has a constant current of anger running beneath the surface, but she will tell you she never gets angry, only 'upset'.

You can bet your bottom dollar that your MIL has unresolved anger from everything she has been through, and her seeming reaction to you has nothing to do with you, but instead she is 'puking up' all that anger she has from her OWN life!

It's not yours to pick it up, and when you feel guilty, or bad because she blows, mentally throw that anger right back at her in your mind!

Holding you close to my heart and in my prayers today, dear lady! :ghug

ToughChoices

Support, support, support!!!


That sounds SO tough, Paj!
Sometimes it feels like everyone is against us - but I'm on your side!
I think you're taking care of yourself in a way that is heretofore unknown (and terrifying) but very healthy.

I always want to explain myself to everyone, to make them understand why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, so they won't be mad or think I'm a mean person. Turns out, the explanation isn't necessary.

I am not a mean person.
I am not a bad person.
I get the distinct impression that you're not, either!

You're just going through a divorce. You're telling your truth, and not everyone is going to like it.

Too bad for them!

You're an inspiration to me today, Paj.
Keep your chin up!

-TC

justaboutus

I'll be in your shoes in another 30 days or so. My stbxah's mother is an unmedicated bipolar. Her children's sh!t doesn't stink, according to her. She's going to be in complete denial and be his next enabler. I doubt he'll ever get better with her around, which is unfortunate for our daughter.

I've been thinking about this lately and I really wish I could go no contact with stbxah and his family, but I can't because of dd. It's very difficult. it stinks that we have to hang out in an unhealthy environment because of our children. I'm already rehearsing the "sometimes adults make bad decisions" speech in my head. I have a feeling I'll be using it very early in dd's life.

Anyway, I always remind myself that they're crazy. Crazy people are not normal, thus they will not act normal. I try not to take anything personal... cause they're crazy. I read a somewhere that when their alcoholic spouse starts quacking they say "you may be right", just to keep the peace. I say that a lot to my MIL.

GiveLove

When I left my XABF after seven years, i got angry emails from his A father and A mother. When -- TWO YEARS LATER -- X found out that I was going to get married, he got his little sister to masquerade as someone who had had an affair with my fiancee. She went to his work, reminded him of when they had "been together" in a loud voice, etc. When she was asked for ID, she bolted out the door. Someone had the presence of mind to take a picture with their phone and I could see it was her.

At the time, I thought I couldn't go on. It was just too much hatred and small-mindedness, and I knew I didn't deserve it.

That lasted a while, until I woke up angry beyond belief one morning. I wrote father and mother emails that stated just who and what he was, and what he had done in great detail (including the gay sex), and told them never to contact me again for any reason. I wrote sister a note telling her I was aware of her hateful little game, and that I'd have her arrested if she ever showed up again. I left HIM a voicemail stating that I was getting a restraining order against him and his sister, and that I would not hesitate to have him picked up. Then I went and beat on a punching bag in the gym until my hands were numb.

And the next day, I felt much better

You're going through something very hard, Paj, and if I had any advice it would be to communicate to your Xmom in law what you're willing to accept from her - if you can "reply" to her voicemail without talking to her, or email or write her a letter, so much the better. Be calm and clear and descriptive. And forbid her to contact you if all she wants to do is cause you more pain than you've suffered already.

It's part of GL's custom-made "toxic people avoidance policy". You don't need any more poison right now.

Strength to you, friend!!

Pajarito

Thank you- I used to admire her for being the one who did so much for her kids, but now I look at her and realize she allowed her kids to be in a very unhealthy situation- which is a huge reason why I'm doing what I'm doing- getting dd away from such a toxic environment. Our lives are peaceful, but I feel like wreck inside. BTW- it p***** me off that she left a message that dd could hear on our answering machine. I am anticipating years of a lot of opportunities to steel myself and get stronger with all the drama coming up. Ugh!

Pajarito

I don't know what to do. I knew I couldn't call her back- I'd have to endure a lot of drama- yelling, crying, etc. We have always had a really good relationship- but I think it's safe to say those days are over. I thought about writing her a note, but I am sure outlining all of STBXAH's issues wouldn't get through. What's the point? I KNOW what I lived with- she does not. No one does. It's times like this that I realize I HAVE to believe in myself, but she is DD's grandmother. I need to figure out how to have a relationship with her that doesn't make my life miserable. Maybe if the drama goes on and on I would do something like what you did- lay it all out there. I hate this.

GiveLove

:ghug3


Time will heal much of this, pajarito. Just do what you have to do to get through this tough patch.

bookwyrm

(((Pajarito)))

I have a 'difficult' relationship with my father. He isn't an alcoholic (the alcoholic in my life is my AH) but I've found that detachment and boundaries work well for him too! Hopefully you will be able to set up clear boundaries for your MIL for the sake of your daughter once she gets over the shock of the divorce papers. You really don't need the added stress, drama and bad feeling right now and you certainly don't deserve it. I'm crossing my fingers for you that this too will pass - and quickly!:ghug3

Pajarito

Detachment and boundaries- now why didn't I think of that??? :o)

Freedom1990

If you're anything like me, I'm always the last one to think of it, while it was clear to everyone around me!

denny57

Then do nothing.

That is what I have done for the past 3 weeks and yesterday something came through for me that would not have if I acted.

Sit on your hands if necessary :-)

((( )))

p.s. I had plenty of times I felt like krap - didn't mean I was krap. Feelings are not facts.

Pajarito

Sometimes I just feel so naive. Did I really think she would be ok with me? It's her son- of course she wants to believe the best in him. I sure did- for too long.

I've spent my life trying to make sure others are happy. Now I am trying to make myself happy- and if I have to **** a few people off in the process- well, so be it. At least I keep telling myself that. Healthy will be the day I realize I truly do not care if someone else is angry that I am doing the right thing for myself. This is just not intuitive for me right now.

blessed4x

A month or 2 ago I asked "if it was a process or an event".....wow, how far I have come. Reading your post makes me think it's a bunch of little events that make up the whole process. And it's the whole process that shapes who we are.

Today I am embracing the pain. I'm going to hold it and feel it and love it, because I know it is the instrument that is molding a new, better version of me. The same is true for all of us here. All of this character building sure is hard work, huh?!

denny57

That's where "act as if" came in so handy for me. Frankly, I did it because I was told to if I wanted a shot at sanity.

Pajarito

I'm thinking this too. Will acceptance be this light bulb that just goes on one day and never goes off? I'm sure the answer for me is no. I've had moments, days, where I feel better. I get why I'm going through this and I'm ok- sad, but ok. Then I'll have a day like I did last weekend where I have an emotional relapse, and for 24 hours I'm a wreck, but then something occurs to me and I suddenly get it- why I went through the emotional relapse- it's usually to bring me to a higher level of understanding. This has been my experience. I don't think I will ever be 100% healthy. I think it's just a lot of living and getting better at measuring my reactions (or lack of) to what is going on around me- and all the while feeling an inner peace- even in the face of difficulties. Because as humans we will all face difficult times- whether we like it or not. This is by far the most difficult. But I have to believe all this pain is for a greater good.

Like you blessed4x, I am trying to sit with my pain. Just feel it and hopefully let it go. I used to be afraid of pain- and I still don't love it, but I'm starting to accept it is what I have to go through- the fire- to come out a better person. In this situation I KNOW there has to be something better on the other side- because it's going to be what I make it. Living with STBXAH- I had no idea what the h was going to happen next. It was utter chaos- and I was slowly dying inside. I was becoming someone I didn't like. Now I'm trying to find myself. That's my goal. . . and yes- it is hard! I like the way you think, my friend!

blessed4x

My sister and I were just talking about this. She is 1 year survivor of breast cancer, I was telling her I couldn't imagine going through that....the mastectomy, chemo, radiation, and she did it all so gracefully. She said she couldn't imagine going through what I am. We came to the conclusion that we are all given the trials that we need, and what we do with them is up to us. we can either come out more resiliant and wiser on the other side, or be consumed by it and live the rest of our days in anger and turmoil.

She also said she believes it is a personal responsibility to support and educate others once we are through the trial. I think that's the best part of SR!

sslusser

I really like the thought of this. It is truly the final lesson of any trial isn't it? To be able to turn around and extend a hand to others who are going through next.

SR is truly a great place. I used to pray that my AW would wake up. Now I pray thanks for this place and you people. I am trying to save my prayers for those who are worthy of them.

Jadmack25

Maybe your MIL is bitter after staying in her miserable life and can't accept that you aren't doing the same as she did.
Dear friend of mine finally got out of the alco marriage from hell, after 3 months hospital from the last beating, and used the 3 year jail sentence her AH served to get divorced. Her MIL went berserk, caused trouble with the kids and made life a nightmare for months. My pal was astounded as they had always been close. Turned out MIL came from abusive alco family, had married violent Alco and stayed in it til he was killed 30 years later. She (MIL) admitted that she felt my pal should have stayed for the kids sake, as she had done. How's that for sick thinking.

You are doing what you need to do for yourself and your children and if nobody agrees with you, TOUGH. They aren't walking in your shoes, living your life and if they can't support you, then leave them be and move on.

Concentrate on you, and detach from her for a while, until you are ready to deal with her, in your time and when you want to.

God bless

freeflower

Yesterday on Oprah, Will Smith said something that gave me some hope...he said that after a divorce or even your own mothers death, that a rebirth somehow occurs in most of us...I love the idea that after all this pain and self inspection, a light is waiting to be turned on if we choose to turn it on. And you know what a light does..it shines on more people than just yourself.