Despair

My fiancee is an alcoholic. She has recently begun on her journey to sobriety. She is attending daily AA meetings and events and is on a waiting list for inpatient rehabilitation. I am so very proud of her. She has been sober for 1 1/2 weeks (1 major slip on halloween).

She is getting really wrapped up in AA and reading documents about her rehab center. She is waking up early again and taking care of many things she had neglected in the past. The problem is she seems like she wants nothing to do with me.

She keeps telling me that we both need to work on ourselves individually and she can't concentrate on a relationship right now. She needs to make her sobriety her first priorty.

I agree with her. I want her to get better. I've been going to al anon meetings and have given my very best efforts to giving her the space she is requesting. I've stopped nagging her to wake up or clean the house and trying to tell her how to handle her sobriety. I fight myself from checking up on her or calling her multiple times throughout the day to find out how she's doing.

I feel like I've been doing a very good job with what she's asked. She's always going to meetings or spending time writting to her friends on facebook. I can't help but feel neglected when I ask her to spend a little bit of time with me. I miss holding her and laughing with her. I've probably only spent 30 minutes of quality time with her in the past week and we live together. It's not like I don't see her, she just goes out of her way to avoid me and it hurts. It seems like the only time she initiates conversation with me is if she needs cigarettes or money (she has no job due to her drinking). I feel used.

She told me today that when she goes to rehab and gets her weekend passes, she would like to stay with her parents. She also said she would like to stay with her parents when she gets out of rehab. She wants to spend Christmas with her family and New Years at an AA function and she doesn't want me to attend either of them. She suggested that I spend xmas and new years with my family. She re-iterated that she simply cannot focus on a relationship right now.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I know she needs her space and I want to make it as easy as possible for her recovery. How do you get over your co-depent feelings? I feel like I'm losing her. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore even though she says she does. How do you cope with giving someone the space they need while missing them so terribly much?

All I want is a little affection and her to tell me she wants to work things out, but I can't even get that. How can I give her her space and not concentrate on our relationship when all I can think about is saving our relationship?

I bought the book Codependant no more and Beyond Copedency tonight. I should recieve them next week. I feel totally lost. I thought I was making progress thinking about myself. I got a new job with better pay to help alleviate the stress of a single income. I've been taking walks and repeating the serenity prayer daily, I've been reading alanon books and pamphlets daily and attending alanon meetings weekly. I've just started feeling more positive and happy with the way things were going, then she tells me all this stuff tonight. How do you cope with the feelings of losing something that may not be lost yet?

Are there any success stories of relationships working out after seperating to concentrate on sobriety?

Sorry for the long post again. I think I will go read some more litterature.

denny57

But she's willing to take money and cigarettes from you?

Remove the alcohol/sobriety from the equation - if you are feeling used, it might be worth exploring that feeling.

In my experience, the more understanding and giving I became the less he respected me.

Hope the books show up soon - in the meantime keep reading and posting!

Despair

I told her I wouldn't be giving her any money. She borrowed money from an AA member for food the other night and asked me if I could give her $4 to pay him back. I simply told her she shouldn't borrow money she doesn't have and that I have to worry about my finances now because she's not helping.

She means well. She applied for employment insurance and welfare this week and says she wants to help me with the bills wether or not we stay together. Cigarettes, I understand, I can't expect her to quit two addictions at once.

She also asked me to buy her some supplies for when she goes to rehab. Stamps, cigarettes and boots. I asked her why she had no problems taking money from me if she didn't want to be in a relationship. She responded that she could get her parents to pay for her supplies if needed. I asked her why she was still living here now if she wanted to go to her parents when she got out of rehab... she simply replied she didn't know.

I wan't to talk to her about it in detail but I also want to respect her wishes in not concentrating on a romantic relationship. I just feel like I may be going through all of this for nothing and that she has no intention of trying to work things out. It feels like the last 3 1/2 years meant absolutely nothing to her.

I know she's confused and scared about many things right now. I'm hoping that things fall back in place in her head while she's in rehab.

laurie6781

She is unable to do this right now. Her head is a pile of mush. Yes, her recovery is hard on you, but nothing compared to what it is and going to be on her. She has to figure out how to live live sober and for someone who is a drunk that is almost an impossible task.

If you love her the way you say, then for now, it's not forever, look on her as a 'room mate' only. She is having a hard enough time, and it is only day 5.

She doesn't know if she is coming or going. The fact that she is going to rehab is good. She will be in a safe place. I have a sponsee that not only went through a 30 day rehab but now is in a 'sober living house' with her daughter, while her fiancee continues in his last year of law school, lives in their apartment and takes care of the dog. When she leaves there on Dec 10th after 90 days it will have been 4 months. Slowly she is regaining her confidence and learning how to deal with the vicissitudes of life sober.

This is only a nano second in the rest of your lives. Continue with your Alanon meetings, give her all the space she wants, and watch from afar as her actions tell you if she is sincere about her recovery.

Hope that helps.

Love and hugs,

Stubborn1

I don't see why she can't get a job. Recovery is one thing but you can recover AND work. If anything have her sign a paper saying it's a loan. Protect yourself legally.
I agree that it sounds as if you are used and she is using AA as an excuse.
When my rah was sober for a year he was attentive and his old self. I was included in his program and not banished.
I feel for you and I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's hard when you have struggled so hard and then get put on the back burner.
I kinda felt like this for a bit today. I got scared that I held on for eight years and things might change for the worst, even though I had one year to go from.
I think it's normal to feel somewhat put off to the side, that's when we need to occupy ourselves. We can't expect them to fully work the program if they are trying to make us happy...........gawd knows we deserve it though
If you need attention just come here and we'll give it to you.
Protect yourself sweets.

Despair

Thank you for this. I think this is what I needed to hear. I know that if I don't give her her space now, I will definately lose her later. I'm really going to have to dive into researching codepency because I'm probably going to feel awful for a while. I need to find ways to cope with my feelings of loneliness.

Despair

She just lost her job 3 weeks ago in the middle of a huge relapse that resulted in her almost being unfaithfull and a suicide attempt. She is currently not fit to be working and she is on a waiting list for rehab so there's no sense in her looking for a job. Once she gets out of rehab, however, is a different story and I agree with you.


thank you!

FormerDoormat

I used to beam with pride when Richard was trying to get his act together. Then I realized that being sober, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, kind, caring, and reasonable are qualities nearly everyone possesses and are not cause for celebration on the rare occasion when an alcoholic chooses to display them.

I came to expect so little from my alcoholic boyfriend that any acceptable behavior he displayed became cause for celebration for me, too. When my alcoholic partner threw me crumbs, I jumped for joy. You would have thought it was a mighty feat he'd achieved instead a few hours or a day or two of normalcy.

chloes1

*recovering addict here*

I am on day 14 of a huge pill habit. My ex must wonder the same thing. I can only guess about your g/f... in my case I am begining to feel a tidal wave of shame. My God what I put him through! I can't look at him. I am horrified and deeply ashamed. I know he doesn't know the worst of my behavior, but what he does know. *cringes*

At day 5 I was (still am really) at the mercy of every emotional storm that blew through my head. I was not (and am not) human. I was a burnt out husk shuffling towards my own grave. There was no choosing him or the pills. They won every time.

He has very real feelings about what I did to him that I simply cannot cope with. I can't manage my own! Will that change? I sure hope so!

For now, consider her to be an alien dressed like a human. She only looks human. The emotional storms coupled with the physical effects of drinking and now the withdrawal she must feel like 10 lbs of poo in a 5 lb sack...

For now, protect yourself with whatever boundaries that you need. You need to be your first priority. out of curiosity, though, if she will be living with her parents after rehab, why isn't she staying there now that she isn't drinking? If she isn't helping with the bills, and she certainly isn't a partner in this relationship... Remember that none of her problems are your problems. they are hers! Her insanity is not your emergency. I can only imagine, but it must feel like you have deen doubly betrayed. First her insane behavior, and now this rejection too. If you are like my family, they had told me many times that if I would just stop then everything would go back the way it was. Except you can never go back. Things will never be the way they were. My mother especially is having a real hard time letting go of her dreams in that regard.






As an aside, I do read your posts on this forum, it helps to "hear" first hand accounts of just how devastating my choices and behavior were and continue to be.

Despair

I asked her this very question yesterday. She simply responded that she didn't know. We talked a little bit about it when she got home from her AA meeting. She asked me this time if I would rather she go to her parents now.

Of course, I never realized how codependant I've actually become, until now. I told her I wanted her to stay. That she means the world to me and I want to support her as she gets better. Having her leave would feel like our relationship is failing.

It just seems so unfair. I've stuck by her for almost 2 years when things got "really bad" with her drinking. It just seems like now that I know I've got a problem as well, she's not even willing to give me a few weeks.

I am setting limits. She told me yesterday that since the credit card was in both our names, she should be able to access it for necessities. LOL!!! I was pretty quick to deny her. I said... ok, I'm the primary cardholder and I have no problem removing your name if you wish. I told her that her money was her responsiblity and that she's out of a job and money now due to her own actions. If she wants a credit card and some money she can go apply for one on her own. Under her name, so the creditors don't get to chase me down if things go awry. I just wish I would have done this 2 years ago.

I also told her that I'm here to support her through a difficult time and it's difficult for me to accept that she doesn't even want to assign any priority to our relationship. I'm willing to pay for cigarettes and groceries until she gets into rehab. Once she gets out, she'll have to decide if she wants to come home and work on both her sobriety and our relationship or not. I cannot keep supporting her if she has no intention of us working out.

I'm trying to give her space. I'm looking forward for her to go to rehab so I can have a good chunk of time without her to start working on myself and enjoying my new job that I start on monday. I'm planning on going back to my hometown on her first weekend in rehab. It will do me some good to see my family and close friends.

Despair

I'm now totally devasted. I just checked her internet history because she has been acting fishy. I found her registered to an online dating site looking for intimate encounters and one night stands.

I called her and she confirmed it. I have cancelled her cell phone as I am paying for it.

I don't understand anything anymore. How can she do this to me? I was doing everything I could to help her.

I am completely distraught. I am packing her things and when she gets home I'm bringing her to her parents house.

GiveLove

Despair,

There are no words I can say to express how sorry I am this is happening to you. And -- at this point -- nothing I can say that will make you feel better.

Except, maybe, to share this: On the darkest days of my life, when I learned the ugly truths about the person I wanted to spend all eternity with, I felt as you do right now. I was enveloped in a despair so black that I was sure there was nothing good waiting for me "out there," ever.

Looking back from the safety of the future, I can truly tell you that there will come a day when you'll look back on this and it will not hurt even one tiny bit. You will frown that it happened, maybe be a little irritated, but this pain you're feeling will be long gone.

Sometimes people do bad, heartless things. These are not the people you want anywhere near you.....life is simply too short.

That day will come. Do what you can to get through the coming days - including that trip to your hometown!!

Hugs and strength to you

Bernadette

How do you get over your co-depent feelings?

The only way I've found that works for real is to be disciplined about keeping the focus on ME! Every time I start with the desire to help or fix or worry or scold or prod or push or enable I say STOP in my mind and I remind myself that I have MY OWN problems/dreams/goals to work on. Period. When I step off and leave the A's (they are adults after all) to their own life/choices/consequences it is better for ALL.

I am so very sorry you are going through this - kind of like a passive aggressive break-up on her part. Very sad. But also- a week of sobriety does not a "sober" person make. Her brain is still pickled and she has years of dysfunctional thinking to to correct. Recovery is a slow and obvious process - and honesty is one if its hallmarks so she hasn't even begun yet. Don't be surprised if your "putting her out" is the excuse she will use to relapse. Happens all the time- they will use any ezxcuse - that's how powerful the compulsion to drink is.

The books you ordered are really good! They will help you get some perspective on YOUR behavior so you can start becoming a whole healthy NON codependent person! Not easy but worth it!!

(((hugs))) stay strong - you're doing the right things!
Peace-
B.

Despair

frankly, I don't even care right now if she goes out and drinks. It's really not my problem. The feeling of hurt and betrayal I am feeling right now is unbeleivable. I have no idea how I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with starting a new job on monday. I have no idea how I am going to be able to afford this house. What to do with all the stuff. How to seperate the debt.

I can't even begin to imagine how someone can do something like this to someone they loved. Someone who had commited to support her for the long run.

However, that was one of my boundaries. If ever you take your sexuality outside of the relationship, I can't do this anymore. I'm just a mess right now. I can't understand why.

She even got mad at me for spying on her history. "Why the heck do you think I felt compelled to do so in the first place. Because you're acting sneaky and secretive about everything while you're on the computer." She has the nerve to say that relationships are about trust.... how can you trust someone like that.

I called her mom and told her what I had found and that I will be dropping her off at their home tonight. I feel bad about that now, how does a mother feel knowing her daughter is getting out of a longterm relationship to sleep with random men. She's the only person I know that really knows about her alcohol issues. She goes to alanon with me. I didn't know where else to turn.

Whatever. Might as well shut her out of my life for now and try a no contact rule. It's going to be tough, She's going to want to come back and get more things and we're going to have to discuss how to handle our debt.

damnit. I'm so angry and hopeless right now. I don't even know where to start.

cagefree

I love Givelove's post!

Ditto - and it was on that similar day for myself that I had had "enough". I needed saving - I had nothing left to save XABF. I decided I was more important to save than XABF.

I can remember myself, sitting in a fetal position, tears streaming, my heart aching, difficult to breath want to die pain thinking "How could he do this to me?"

Nothing lasts - even feelings this bad go away.

I can second that! When I held my dog and best friend of 12 years in my arms as he was put to sleep in January I have to say that it put any and all pain I felt as a result of my relationship with XABF to shame. It really put things into perspective for me.

Learning to protect myself from unhealthy people and situations was hard but very important in my codie recovery.

Many many hugs to you Despair - Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.

Despair

Well... she just left and it was an ugly affair. She brought in a woman and a man from her AA meetings with her. In a way it's a good thing that people were there because of my frame of mind. In another, it just ticked me off because I couldn't actually talk to her and see what was going on in her head.

I had this crazy AA woman yelling at me and calling me a controller and a manipulator and an abuser and not letting me get near my fiancee. It was all kind of quick. All I could do was talk loudly and ask her why she wants to waste our whole relationship for something stupid. I told her that I didn't think her head was in the right place and that she should just take the time and go to rehab and make a decision later.

I brought up the ad and she said it was none of my business and if I told her parents or her friends about it she would litter facebook with stories of me being an abuser. I told her I didn't even though I have already told her mom. Just because I'm afraid of the crazy stories she's going to tell them when she gets home. I didn't want her parents to think I was a huge jerk for not supporting her and that I had valid reasons for ending the relationship.

This is ridiculous. I asked some of my friends to come spend the weekend at my home. I told my parents that I would probably go visit if they can't make it.

I just can't believe this is happening right now.

Stubborn1

Sorry you are going through this. I have been disappointed as well in the past with my addict. We are going through a recovery now and it's tough to try and have any hope. Sometimes we get let down and sometimes it's hard. I wish you the very best. I just live and learn.

sslusser

First, let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you now.

The more I tried to help my AW the more she saw it as controlling. In my mind I was not trying to control anyone. I just wanted to have a hand in my own destiny. Guess what? I did. I helped it right into the mess that it is now. I am not saying that I caused it to go where it did but I did have a hand in it. If only I knew then what I know now ....

Who knows. What ifs solve nothing and keep us dwelling with our pain.

If you are not an abuser then being called an abuser isn't going to turn you into one.

I can relate to what you are saying and feeling. When I set and enforced my boundary my AW decided that I was controlling and abusive and that I broke the relationship. It sucks because I feel like I stood by and took all the crap for years and now .... more crap! I was never abusive to her or anyone else in my life. She knows that and I know she knows that. In the end it all comes down to their choices.

I have read more than a few posts here at SR that say the same story as yours and mine. The A must find a way to keep drinking or at least try to justify what they did to those that cared for them. As co-dependents we do similar things. I did a stupid one tonight. I called her. I actually expected her to be different than she has been. Why? Because I had convinced myself I was doing something good for her and of course she will --- click!

If you love her be glad that she is getting treatment, mine never has. Use the time to work on you. If she comes back she comes back. You really don't get any choice in that. That is all up to her. But if you work on you, you will be ready for her if she does come back. If she doesn't, you get a better you to live with.

I am not trying to be flippant or harsh. You seem like a caring fellow and I am telling myself these things as much as I am telling you. You are not alone.

I am also going through the steps of a divorce and the splitting of assets and debt, visitation and custody. It is no good for anyone, RIGHT NOW. It will get better. The best way to get through it one bit at a time. Piece by piece with breaks along the way if you need them. It seems overwhelming but you will get through. Hang in there!

Despair

First of all. Thank you for all your kind words. I really appreciate them.

This is exactly how I've been feeling for the past few weeks. If only I'd have been to alanon sooner and actually took the time to learn about the disease.

Actually, I have slapped her across the face once. The lying and the stress had gotten the better of me and I simply reacted. I feel terrible about and I can't believe I would ever get so mad to the point where I would hit my fiancee. I can't justify it as it is wrong. But still, it's not like I visciously beat her and drew blood. I know that it wasn't me who slapped her. Alcoholism has turned me into someone that I don't recognize. Losing your temper to the point of physicality once in 4 years is not an abuser, is it? Either way, I'm trying to get help for my issues through alanon and literature.



As insane as it sounds, all I want to do is call her right now and am kind of hoping my phone rings so we can talk about this at a safe distance without any interference from anyone.

I don't know right now if I could have her back if she decided to come back. I'm pretty sure this was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm so hurt by her actions it's unbelievable. She would have to make extreme ammends and have been sober for quite sometime and somehow prove to me that she's serious. I don't know how that will be possible.

I do want to work on myself. I think starting a new job on monday is going to do me some good. Kind of like a fresh start at life. I just hope I'm not too miserable on my first day of work and make a bad impression.

I think I need it to be harsh right now. I'm grateful that I'm not alone however, I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It's especially good to hear from people who have been in very similar situations. Everything everyone has said her is great. God Bless you all.

denny57

I'm going to take a wild guess that that woman wouldn't know AA if it bit her. Doesn't matter.

You'll be ok, Despair, believe it. Keep the focus on you, try not to get in her head. You might, though, try putting yourself in her shoes. Imagine yourself as someone who had a partner who loved them, yet you felt compelled to go onto an internet site and look for one night stands. What would you think of YOURSELF? If it were me, I would think I had some serious issues.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Let her own it.

Keep posting - lots of love coming your way.