New relationship - old baggage!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
New relationship - old baggage!
Hello! I'm new here... I have been searching for a place to feel at home, hopefully this is it.
I've been divorced after a 16 yr marriage, for 2 years now from XAH. Boy - have things changed! I've dated 3 guys - all completely different. First...fell head over heals - he said I love you right away...we dated for a year..then ran straight from my kids. Second...dated never said I love you's he wasn't very affectionate.. I wanted him to be - so he ran. Third - had issues... he cheated - I ran, happily.
But now - I've met a really nice guy but I have all these flags that I keep raising. We've been dating since July and just recently had the conversation, brought up by him, about how serious we are about each other. Making sure this is an exclusive relationshilp. I'm great with that.. I really like him. He's met my boys twice and I, his daughter - she's great! Maybe I'm scared he's just too good to be true.
My flags are this: I asked him to my Christmas party and he originally said he'd have to see if he had his daughter that weekend. (he gets her for a week at a time) My first thought was.. he could just get a sitter. Then - I started thinking. He used to date a girl that works for the same company... and is he worried or uncomfortable about possibly running in to her. If so - should that bother me??? I think if that's the reason - it does.
Then I wonder if I'm just being paranoid about things b/c of my past relationships.
What are ya'll thoughts??
I've been divorced after a 16 yr marriage, for 2 years now from XAH. Boy - have things changed! I've dated 3 guys - all completely different. First...fell head over heals - he said I love you right away...we dated for a year..then ran straight from my kids. Second...dated never said I love you's he wasn't very affectionate.. I wanted him to be - so he ran. Third - had issues... he cheated - I ran, happily.
But now - I've met a really nice guy but I have all these flags that I keep raising. We've been dating since July and just recently had the conversation, brought up by him, about how serious we are about each other. Making sure this is an exclusive relationshilp. I'm great with that.. I really like him. He's met my boys twice and I, his daughter - she's great! Maybe I'm scared he's just too good to be true.
My flags are this: I asked him to my Christmas party and he originally said he'd have to see if he had his daughter that weekend. (he gets her for a week at a time) My first thought was.. he could just get a sitter. Then - I started thinking. He used to date a girl that works for the same company... and is he worried or uncomfortable about possibly running in to her. If so - should that bother me??? I think if that's the reason - it does.
Then I wonder if I'm just being paranoid about things b/c of my past relationships.
What are ya'll thoughts??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi Ayers - welcome back!
What worked for me was taking a good long break after a 15 year marriage.
I think a good clue is in your reaction - maybe it's not time for a serious relationship if this is the way the thought process goes. Just a thought.
What worked for me was taking a good long break after a 15 year marriage.
I think a good clue is in your reaction - maybe it's not time for a serious relationship if this is the way the thought process goes. Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
I agree with the reflections offered above.
I would look into my own responses rather than try to make him wrong or suspect. It does seem perfectly reasonable that a responsible parent would place his holiday time with his yound daughter as a priority, and, in fact, he did not even say "no" to your invite. He merely said he needed to double check his availability.
If it were me, and I were in his position, I would do the same.
Personally, I think the holidays are an emotional minefield, with all the expectations and pressures we allow ourselvees to operate under...and for what?
As part of my recovery, I reserve the right (and responsibility) to decline any invitation that doesn't have special meaningfulness to me.
Now, if your christmas party AND him being there with you at it mean so much to you, why did you plan it without consulting him as to the date? If you are going to use it as a litmus test of his commitment to your relationship, you should be willing to offer him the same commitment and welcome his input on the planning of the event. In other words, include him in everything, don't just spring the date on him and then expect that he will be able to be there in the way you need him to be. This will bring you two closer.
hope this helps.
He sounds like a good guy.
I would look into my own responses rather than try to make him wrong or suspect. It does seem perfectly reasonable that a responsible parent would place his holiday time with his yound daughter as a priority, and, in fact, he did not even say "no" to your invite. He merely said he needed to double check his availability.
If it were me, and I were in his position, I would do the same.
Personally, I think the holidays are an emotional minefield, with all the expectations and pressures we allow ourselvees to operate under...and for what?
As part of my recovery, I reserve the right (and responsibility) to decline any invitation that doesn't have special meaningfulness to me.
Now, if your christmas party AND him being there with you at it mean so much to you, why did you plan it without consulting him as to the date? If you are going to use it as a litmus test of his commitment to your relationship, you should be willing to offer him the same commitment and welcome his input on the planning of the event. In other words, include him in everything, don't just spring the date on him and then expect that he will be able to be there in the way you need him to be. This will bring you two closer.
hope this helps.
He sounds like a good guy.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Well for now could you just take what he says at face value? Perhaps there is no ulterior motive at all. It sounds like he just want to be a responsible dad. There is nothing wrong with that.
The way you describe him he sounds like a thoughtful balanced man. Look at how he commits to the responsibilities he had before you came into his life and understand that if he commits to you he will be that way with you too.
The way you describe him he sounds like a thoughtful balanced man. Look at how he commits to the responsibilities he had before you came into his life and understand that if he commits to you he will be that way with you too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
He is a pretty good guy. The party is my work formal Christmas party that I had no control over scheduling and choosing the date. There will be lots of people that he knows there (my friends we hang out with) and he is interviewing at the same company (different office) today.
It is great that he is responsible! NO DOUBT!
It's just strange being back in the dating scene again.
All those insecurities that you think you have worked out..
It is great that he is responsible! NO DOUBT!
It's just strange being back in the dating scene again.
All those insecurities that you think you have worked out..
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