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Newly Divorced and Feeling Hurt

Old 11-05-2008, 12:25 PM
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Unhappy Newly Divorced and Feeling Hurt

I just came across this site today and I have to say I felt better after reading all these postings. I thought I was the only one feelings these things! I initiated the divorce and it took me 5 years to finally do it - I couldnt take the Alcoholics craziness anymore. He begged, he pleaded, etc.... but he never stopped the drinking. I just recently legalized it and now Im feeling, loss, pain almost as if someone has died. Im the one that wanted this - what is wrong with me? He now has a new woman and they share a life very similar to the one we had - I keep asking myself what did I do wrong that she does right? I find myself going through our 23 years together as if Im watching a movie reel. But I have to keep reminding myself that it isnt about me it was about his alcoholism and the fact I HAD to get out before I went crazy. I am now free and I even though I started practicing detachment a couple of years ago I could not truly have a sense of peace until I physically was away and not married anymore. I have a grown daughter and she blames me, my ex's family blames me - I am treated as if I never existed and this rubs off on my daughter. I am still fairly young and am seeing someone new but still I am hanging on to the old.
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Old 11-05-2008, 12:45 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you can find peace in your life.
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Old 11-05-2008, 03:36 PM
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ButifulDreamer,
It's an incredibly brave thing you did. I greatly admire your courage. I'm not in your situation and never have been. I'm the one whose drinking has caused destruction and pain. You can't share someone with alcohol and be happy and it sounds like he had a long time to deal with it. His new relationship will be ruined by it too, perhaps not straight away, but it will.
And hey, it's not about what the new woman has and what you don't. It's about what you have that she doesn't. Which is knowledge, guts and self respect. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 11-05-2008, 04:05 PM
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Freedom said what I would say, and said it so well. I completely agree. You don't need to compare yourself with anyone else. You are YOU, no one else. Be yourself. I would suggest you take a look at our Friends and Families forum, and maybe consider Al-Anon. I can see the problem best from the angle of the alcoholic, which was me, but can also understand what I put my kids thru.

You take good care of YOU. You deserve it.

Welcome!:ghug3
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Old 11-05-2008, 04:24 PM
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I got divorced and I was the one who wanted it. It was the right decision. But you know I still was terribly depressed and sad once it became final. Part was that i really liked the guy at one time. Part of it was feeling like i was a failure. My family stayed pretty nuetral, but made it clear they liked him. what it felt like at the time was that they blamed me...so I imagine if they had really blamed me it would have been even harder! In fact my mother still has regular contact with his family.

It is a very dificult thing to go through and there will be a lot of feelings to expereince along the way....but eventually I did find peace with the decision and I do have a mostly happy life today
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Old 11-05-2008, 04:32 PM
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Thanks for sharing.

Hi Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
here in SR I havent had a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that I am truely grateful.

I find similarities in ur story to my
own. A number of things r different
however.

In my 25 yr. marriage I was the alcoholic.

The husband and 2 kids were affected by
my disease was what we eventually learn in
recovery. When one person is sick in the
family, then the entire family is affected.

And that is why there are other programs
available to help each member....such as
Al-Anon, Al-a-Teen, ACOA....ETC.

Unfortunately, with the exception of a
few al-anon meetings for my spouse,
I was the only only one to have a recovery
program and thus didnt help the rest of
the family because i left them behind as i
continued to grow and change where as
they had no idea who or what I was or had
become due to my disease.

Anyway.....6 days shy of my 26th wedding
anniversary, my marriage ended.

I had returned to my hometown of Baton
Rouge, La. and the spouse remained in
Houston. As for my 2 AWSEOME Children
who are in their 20's have grown
into 2 mature adults. The divorce had
little to no affect on them as we kept
communication to a minimum and emotions
completely out of it. So the divorse went
smoothly.

Sure i still feel like something is missing.
I mean how can u live with one person
for a long period of time and not feel like
that? We went through our ups and downs
and we survived. But that is in the past
now and as I continue to grow and mature
in recovery, life is Wonderful.

Today I live HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE.

Complete honesty in my life has set me free.

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 11-05-2008, 04:52 PM
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Please check out the families and friends forums, as someone suggested.
You will find a wealth of support, understanding, information, and lots of friends.
Welcome!

live
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Old 11-05-2008, 05:36 PM
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Welcome - this site is full of knowledge and experience. I hope we are able to help you move forward in our life!

Thanks for sharing.

:praying
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Old 11-05-2008, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by ButifulDreamer View Post
Im feeling, loss, pain almost as if someone has died. Im the one that wanted this - what is wrong with me? He now has a new woman and they share a life very similar to the one we had - I keep asking myself what did I do wrong that she does right? I find myself going through our 23 years together as if Im watching a movie reel.
Hi BD, I too am recently divorced.* The divorce was final 1 week after my 18th wedding anniversary.* I also wanted the divorce and the whole process took about 2 years.* At times I felt like I was run over by a truck!* Sometimes I felt such a sense of freedom, strength, and healthy emotional growth.* Mostly, I vacillated wildly between the two extremes.* Counseling and Alanon helped me a lot.My X is on his second girlfriend in 4 months.* The first was 23 years old and he is in his late 40's. That other woman thing is a tough pill for me to swallow.* But that is his life and goals and I feel sadness as I watch him abandon his kids in favor of all his new friends.* As for me, I am learning about me again because "I" got lost somewhere along the way.* My recovery is a miracle and I thank my HP all the time for letting me see I had the power in me all along.Anyway, I wanted you to know I have experienced the same feelings and it is getting better...the good days out number the grieving days.:ghug3
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:23 PM
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I wish you the best going forward with your new life. Freedom said it better than I could......actually hit it square on. I am also the one who caused the disconnect with my preference for drinking over a relationship. Fortunately I have caught it early enough to intervene and make a life change before it costs me my marriage. It sounds as if the rest of your family is in some form of denial regarding the condition of your ex. Most of this is misguided anger due to lack of understanding or refusal to see things for how they were. It will get better with time hopefully and the decision you made should be applauded. Best wishes with your future.
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