sugarapple

Hi everyone.
I think I am a RX drug addict. While I do not technically abuse these substances I believe my life is beginning to revolve around them. Everything in my life is becoming difficult and I have no desire or drive to even do anything.
I dont even want to see my friends or family anymore and my husband thinks I am constantly sick as I make excuses to be completely unmotivated.
I was a 4.0 student in my senior year of college and these last 2 weeks I have made excuses to skip assignments and have gone so far as to say I am sick and missing my oldest daughters soccer games. I dont know how to tell what is going on so I am seeking advice and help.

Here is my list of meds.

40 mg every morning on Ritalin
1 milligram a day of Xanax
40 mls of Celexa every night
and 2 5/500 mg vicodin or more a day. (sometimes I watch the clock and take these every 4 hours)

Ok so I had my second pain relieving back procedure last week and stopped taking the vicodin. I went insane...I assumed that it was steroid psychosis. But I asked a family member for 2 vicodin because the last back procedure was diagnostic and the pain came back and the permanent procedures are Friday and the friday after that. So anyways the DRs said it was the steroid. But I took two Vicodin yesterday and felt better, although I ended up sleeping for 13 hours...

So here I am today on teh edge of slipping into a deep depression and feeling horrible mentally (not phsyically) I do not need the Vicodin right now and dont plan on taking any. But am I having withdrawls? How do I get through my day without going insane again?

Another bad thing is that I have a long term pain plan. Being that once I have these two procedures to kill the nerves in the area in my back that I broke and developed degenerative arthritis. I will be pain free after this but the procedure calls for pain meds for the week after each one. So I am going to need these but dont want to take them anymore afterwords.
So I think I am going to have to go through this again and again. What can I do to make stopping these meds easier so I dont have withdrawl? I dont think I am mentally addicted if that is possible, maybe I am...I just feel that my life and all my feelings are dependant on all the meds I take and I think I was better off before.

What kind of plan can I use when I get put back on the pain meds to get off them without wanting to die?
I want to stop the ritalin as well because I find myself looking so foward to taking it that I get up extra early in the morning to take them. Should I quite one substance at a time?

Also I want to do this alone. I dont want to get my family involved. I believe I can stop all this myself and suffer in secrecy.

I went to rehab for 1 week ( I left AMA) when I was younger because I was using Ritalin to substitute for sleep and food. I made myself go and quite but didnt use the drug again until this last year when my ADD became really bad. I have insited to my Dr that we not raise the dosage or anything but he does not know my past. Am I safe with this one?

I need advice and help from anyone who has been there. I am desperate and right now super low. HELP!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You have a lot of good questions that you need to talk to your dr about.

There are likely alternatives to the Vicoden that would work for you.

And, as far as tapering off, your dr could help you with that too.

One thing that I noticed in your post is that you said you don't think you are mentally addicted, but that your life and all your feelings depend on the medication you take and that you look forward to taking the Ritalin and get up extra early to take it. That sounds like mental addiction to me.

I think it's good that you are concerned about your situation.

Thanks2HP

Hello and Welcome sugarapple,

I don't have much experience with the problem you are dealing with. My heart goes out to addicts that have to deal with chronic pain or long periods of pain from an injury or operation.

I have taken medications as prescribed after surgery. From my experience there are two general beliefs. The hard core "don't take anything no matter what" and the "take as little as possible and as prescribed". I subscribe to the latter. I would suggest letting your doctor know about your past and what you are feeling now.

The following is a link to an NA Pamphlet on medications.
NA IP In Times of Illness

As I mentioned, I don't have experience with what you are going through. I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forums and give you a few words of encouragement.

Have you been going to NA meetings? If not please go. Get a sponsor and start working the steps. Talk to other people who have been through or are going through what you are. A burden shared is a burden lightened.

I wish you well.

Peace and Love...

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us and do agree with Anna about speaking to your Doctor! There are a lot of questions there that you have concern about and that is the best way to get an answer on them. We cannot give out medical advice here but we can give you a lot of support! Glad to see you have taken that step to look for help that is HUGE!

Please check out our other forums-and the stickies at the top of the forums as they are filled with a wealth of information!

Keep us posted! Welcome again to our family!

sugarapple

I dont know how I missed the mentally addicted clue.

I really dont want to tell my doctor. When I went in for the "psychosis" issue he treated me like a criminal cause I took 1/2 xanax more than prescribed but he forgot that he told me to do that when I had hormonal issues. He made me sign a contract and asked me "money must be really tight huh?" like I was selling my meds. Then lectured me and seriously got mad at me. But I am having such bad anxiety I wanted help, I had to go to the ER for the issues on Sunday because his on call DR requested that I get something to stop the severe panic from the steroids. He was mad that the hospital wrote the wrong Doctors name on the report and acted as if I was seeing multiple doctors, which I am most certainly not. He took away the script the hospital gave me for lorazapam and told me to increase my xanax if needed (after he told me I was using too much...)

I dont feel that being persecuted by my doctor would be helpful to my desire to my belief that its not something that I personally chose to do (by becoming dependent). If I tell him that I think I have a dependency problem he will lose all trust in me and if I tell him about my past he will also feel he cant trust me and will likely terminate me as a patient. I have a hard time trusting DRs and used to trust him....the last time I went to my dr for depence on ritalin (years ago and a different doctor) he told me I was NOT addicted I was just depressed and put me on more meds. I had to beg him to sign the papers so I could get help. When I got back from treatment I lost my job and the respect of my doctor because he felt that I didnt listen to him and shouldnt have quite taking the ritalin.

Please, cant it be possible for me to do this myself? Has anyone been successfull with this? I have no problem going to NA but used to feel like I was a fake cause I was not using heroin or cocaine and that RX addiction was stupid...thats the way I was made to feel when I was in rehab. Like doctor prescribed drugs were what the doctor ordered and why would I be seeking treatment for something I most likely needed....

Is there a way to go to NA online? How does NA help?

Thanks2HP

I'm sorry to hear that you have problems with your doctor. I hope communication improves and you get to a point where you feel comfortable sharing. I'm fortunate in that the doctor I see is also in recovery.

One of the things I really like about NA is that the focus is on addiction and not a particular substance. As I mentioned, I spent 12 years in AA before going to NA. My drug of choice is alcohol. I used other substances so I could drink more alcohol. It's not about what substance you used and abused its about staying clean. I can understand feeling a bit awkward which is why it is so important to pay attention to the similarities and not the differences. Some of the best shares I've heard were from people who never mentioned their drug of choice. I occasionally feel awkward because it seems like a lot of the men that attend the meetings I go to have been in prison. I've been in jail several times but never to prison. I'm very thankful that I didn't have to experience prison but if I don't stay clean I may end up there... It is one of my "yets" as in "I haven't been to prison yet".

One of the Group Readings is as follows:


You can find the Basic Text and other Literature at NA Recovery Literature in English (US)

Please read What Is the NA Program

An addiction to prescribed medication is just as deadly as an addiction to illegal substances... The disease is "addiction"... I know a man in A.A. that changed his sobriety date (clean date in NA) because he abused prescription drugs. He did not take them as prescribed and used them to change the way he felt as opposed to taking them "as prescribed" to lessen the pain. I know another person that started ordering drugs online and stole a blank prescription pad and used it to get "prescribed" drugs which was just as "illegal" as heroin or meth or any of the other "substances" because he obtained them fraudulently.

Please keep in mind that I cannot and do not speak for NA. I can only share my experience and offer my opinion. I had a sponsee in AA who decided the program wasn't for him. He stopped going. I saw him two years later and he claimed he was still sober. He might not have had any alcohol but his life certainly wasn't as good as it could have been.

Once the compulsion to use or in my case drink was lifted, I found out that I had a living problem. I was always in fear... fear of losing my job, fear of economic insecurity. It didn't matter that none of my worse fears had ever come true.... I was still afraid they would.

Working a program of recovery, whether in AA or NA gave me a new way to live. It gave me friends that I can call anytime day or night for help. In my opinion we cannot do this alone. After all, if we could do it alone why would we let ourselves get to the point of desperation where we know we needed to stop? One of the sayings I've heard is that you "can't fix a broken tool with a broken tool" and "my best thinking got me into these rooms".

You asked if there are online NA meetings. There probably are and perhaps they might help but I believe there is no substitute for human interaction. One addict helping another...

You also asked how NA works. Again, please read What Is the NA Program and other literature at NA Recovery Literature in English (US). Read the other literature too such as "Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous".

Soberrecovery is a wonderful site. I'm do glad you found it. As terrific as it is and as beneficial as online NA meetings might be, there is no substitute for going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps and carrying the message to other addicts. Again... my opinion & my experience.

I tried to quit drinking on my own. I attended AA meetings but never got a sponsor or worked the steps. When I stopped going to AA meetings I soon picked up a drink. I stayed out for a couple more years before coming back, getting a sponsor and working the steps. I haven't had a drink since. I have to keep active in a program of recovery in order to stay clean because I know the recipe for picking up is to stop calling my sponsor, slack off on meetings, stop calling others in recovery.... basically stop participating.... and sooner or later the cunning, baffling and powerful disease of addiction will rear it's ugly head, kick my A$$ & make me think that picking up a drink might be a good idea.

Best of luck with getting and staying clean.

Peace and Love...

sugarapple

That is so familiar. Its me.

Thank you for your help. I am going to seek out a group and get involved. I have a problem with putting up walls around other humans. I avoid breaking those walls at all costs and human contact when a vulnerable situation is involved would usually make me run for the hills. But I need to soften my heart to get better. I need to stop the meds that stop me from seeing the real problems in my life and someday maybe I will be happy just being me...


Thank you for your words Thanks2HP. They really hit home

Ananda

It was important for me to have a dr. i am comfortable with. maybe it's time to get a new primary care physician??

I take my perscriptions as directed by my physicians and it seems to work well for me...but we do have a good working relationship which i think is KEY to good medical care from our primary doctor.

Thanks2HP

Sugarapple,


You are so very welcome. I can really identify with your statement: "I have a problem with putting up walls around other humans. I avoid breaking those walls at all costs and human contact when a vulnerable situation is involved would usually make me run for the hills".

I have always been a loner. I have anxiety around people and tend to shy away from social events. Back in the day I used alcohol as a "social lubricant" but no longer have that option.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out that a big part of recovery is fellowship with other human beings! My experience has been that it is far easier to be around people in recovery than it is to be around the so called "normies".

There is love and acceptance in the rooms of NA and AA, just like there is love and acceptance on this site. Not every meeting is awesome and/or inspiring but you never know which meeting is going to have a speaker that you can really identify with or hear what you need to hear for your recovery. There might be someone that needs to hear your story too no matter how much or how little clean time you have.

I'm so happy to hear that you are going to "get involved". I wish you well.

Peace and Love!

Thanks2HP

Sugarapple,

How are you doing? Please let us know.

Love - R