BIG VENT...open for opinions...
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BIG VENT...open for opinions...
In the "Relationships" portion of the thread, I have written a post that explains, briefly, why I *think* my ex-boyfriend (now) has a drug problem. After reading some of these posts here, especially the "Sticky:What Addicts Do", I am more than convinced that he has a major issue. The mood swings, ragged appearance, obvious but denied dependency on this one particular drug dealing 'partner' friend, disappearing acts, insensitive behavior, and lies. Yes, its making sense.
As I said elsewhere, for so long, I've been trying to figure out 'WHY': I'm not good enough, or its so easy for him to spend so much time away from me and now our son, or its so easy for him to speak to me for 30 seconds one time out of a 24-hour day, or can't remember special dates, or won't get a job so that he can provide for the family we've created, or admit to and/or stop lying about certain things. WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY. And quite honestly, up until a week ago, I never even considered it to be drugs. My family has asked whether or not it could be such a thing, since a number of his choices/decisions have shook them, and me, to the core over the last year or so, but I never put too much thought into it.
I've been very adamant about throwing the "other women" accusation at him. He has denied it, every step of the way, often throwing out the most preposterous of explanations as to why certain things have been found or happened. The thought of him being intimate with other women and then lying about it has hurt me more than I could ever explain. But in all honesty, it never explained everything. I never could make sense out of while that could be happening, he still spent most of his time around another grown man.
My ex has "played" me more than enough times. He doesn't do this too much now, as I don't leave him the opportunity to do so - but he use to call me early in the day, tell me he was coming over, and never call again or come. He'd call me the next morning and apologize, or act as though nothing happened. The best was when he'd do it, and I wouldn't answer the phone for a few days and be left a bunch of nasty voicemails...as if it were wrong of me to try and stay away from the man who clearly was getting joy out of hurting me. Yes, he did it so much, I honestly convinced myself that he was enjoying it. I could not fathom why a man would go out of his way to call someone, tell them he was going to do something, all the while knowing he had no intentions of doing so, repeatedly. It still makes no sense to me.
In case anyone is wondering why I could or would stay with a man that hurts me so much, on the other side of the coin, this man has a mouth of gold. He clearly knows just what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. As a matter of fact, he's done this so much and lied that I honestly don't know when to take the things he does say seriously. It just sounds right at the time.
Is it possible for someone to exemplify all the signs of a drug addict and not be one? In reference, again, to that 'Sticky:What Addicts Do' post - I found it almost frightening how on point it could be for my situation. Can someone give me one example of a grown man (or woman) that could careless about himself and almost all those around him but isn't on drugs? And I said almost, because I've come to realize and accept that my ex shows no loyality to anything or anyone but this 'friend'. Has anyone ever had to deal with this?
As I said elsewhere, for so long, I've been trying to figure out 'WHY': I'm not good enough, or its so easy for him to spend so much time away from me and now our son, or its so easy for him to speak to me for 30 seconds one time out of a 24-hour day, or can't remember special dates, or won't get a job so that he can provide for the family we've created, or admit to and/or stop lying about certain things. WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY. And quite honestly, up until a week ago, I never even considered it to be drugs. My family has asked whether or not it could be such a thing, since a number of his choices/decisions have shook them, and me, to the core over the last year or so, but I never put too much thought into it.
I've been very adamant about throwing the "other women" accusation at him. He has denied it, every step of the way, often throwing out the most preposterous of explanations as to why certain things have been found or happened. The thought of him being intimate with other women and then lying about it has hurt me more than I could ever explain. But in all honesty, it never explained everything. I never could make sense out of while that could be happening, he still spent most of his time around another grown man.
My ex has "played" me more than enough times. He doesn't do this too much now, as I don't leave him the opportunity to do so - but he use to call me early in the day, tell me he was coming over, and never call again or come. He'd call me the next morning and apologize, or act as though nothing happened. The best was when he'd do it, and I wouldn't answer the phone for a few days and be left a bunch of nasty voicemails...as if it were wrong of me to try and stay away from the man who clearly was getting joy out of hurting me. Yes, he did it so much, I honestly convinced myself that he was enjoying it. I could not fathom why a man would go out of his way to call someone, tell them he was going to do something, all the while knowing he had no intentions of doing so, repeatedly. It still makes no sense to me.
In case anyone is wondering why I could or would stay with a man that hurts me so much, on the other side of the coin, this man has a mouth of gold. He clearly knows just what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. As a matter of fact, he's done this so much and lied that I honestly don't know when to take the things he does say seriously. It just sounds right at the time.
Is it possible for someone to exemplify all the signs of a drug addict and not be one? In reference, again, to that 'Sticky:What Addicts Do' post - I found it almost frightening how on point it could be for my situation. Can someone give me one example of a grown man (or woman) that could careless about himself and almost all those around him but isn't on drugs? And I said almost, because I've come to realize and accept that my ex shows no loyality to anything or anyone but this 'friend'. Has anyone ever had to deal with this?
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Is it possible for someone to exemplify all the signs of a drug addict and not be one?
Can someone give me one example of a grown man (or woman) that could careless about himself and almost all those around him but isn't on drugs?
You may never understand why someone behaves the way they do. Why do people commit genocide. Why do mothers abuse their babies. Why do husbands abuse their wives that they profess to love. Why do people continue to smoke when they know the dangers of lung cancer.
In the end what it comes down to is accepting people as they are. His behavior is what it is. You can't change him or make him change if he doesn't want to. But you can set personal boundaries for yourself about the kind of behavior and treatment you will accept, and enforce those boundaries if someone violates them.
I'm glad he is your ex and that you don't let him play you anymore. Keep reading and posting. I'm sure you will learn much from everyone on this site. Good luck and WELCOME!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I don't know if this will help you, but I have experience with both addicts and mentally ill siblings. I include the mentally ill in response to "who else could be so careless about themselves".
1 - a counselor once told me that I could be certain my niece was addicted to drugs (no matter what she told me), if she was not doing the normal things people for her age and situation do. For example - get and keep a job, have a normal routine of life, etc.
2. Some mental illnesses can look a lot like addiction. I have a brother with scizophrehia and a bi-polar sister. The one thing that both mental illness and addiction have in common - the person with the disorder has to be willing to accept help and treatment. My sister accepted treatment pretty quickly, my brother took a little longer - both got better when they accepted help. The same is true for addicts. As loving family members, my other siblings and I realized that no matter how bad we felt for their conditions, we needed to require that they get help rather than feeding into the drama of life lived under addiction or in the grip of mental illness - for their sake as well as ours.
3. I have found that I have accepted my niece's silver tounge lies as a way for me to avoid the full realization of what she had done to herself and her life. When I was willing to really see the truth and accept the pain and sadness associated with it, I was able to see beyond the lies - looking at the pattern of behavior that showed the truth of where she was at instead of the attractive lies she used to suck me in. So as hello-kitty says, it is about you. - Taking care of you, deciding how much of this drama you are willing to endure, being willing to work the 12 steps ourselves relative to the addict.
And - I know how hard this is and how sad it is to see those we love struggle with conditions we know must be very difficult to endure.
Prayers for peace, insight and strength for you as you walk this path.
1 - a counselor once told me that I could be certain my niece was addicted to drugs (no matter what she told me), if she was not doing the normal things people for her age and situation do. For example - get and keep a job, have a normal routine of life, etc.
2. Some mental illnesses can look a lot like addiction. I have a brother with scizophrehia and a bi-polar sister. The one thing that both mental illness and addiction have in common - the person with the disorder has to be willing to accept help and treatment. My sister accepted treatment pretty quickly, my brother took a little longer - both got better when they accepted help. The same is true for addicts. As loving family members, my other siblings and I realized that no matter how bad we felt for their conditions, we needed to require that they get help rather than feeding into the drama of life lived under addiction or in the grip of mental illness - for their sake as well as ours.
3. I have found that I have accepted my niece's silver tounge lies as a way for me to avoid the full realization of what she had done to herself and her life. When I was willing to really see the truth and accept the pain and sadness associated with it, I was able to see beyond the lies - looking at the pattern of behavior that showed the truth of where she was at instead of the attractive lies she used to suck me in. So as hello-kitty says, it is about you. - Taking care of you, deciding how much of this drama you are willing to endure, being willing to work the 12 steps ourselves relative to the addict.
And - I know how hard this is and how sad it is to see those we love struggle with conditions we know must be very difficult to endure.
Prayers for peace, insight and strength for you as you walk this path.
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[QUOTE=Geminista08;1970486]but he use to call me early in the day, tell me he was coming over, and never call again or come. I could not fathom why a man would go out of his way to call someone, tell them he was going to do something, all the while knowing he had no intentions of doing so, repeatedly. It still makes no sense to me.[QUOTE]
I can't add much to what has been said, except that I had a BF that used to do this to me. It took a while for me to figure out that as long as I THOUGHT he was coming over, I would stay at home and wait for him. So, he really had no intention of visiting, just needed that control of knowing what "I" was doing.
I can't add much to what has been said, except that I had a BF that used to do this to me. It took a while for me to figure out that as long as I THOUGHT he was coming over, I would stay at home and wait for him. So, he really had no intention of visiting, just needed that control of knowing what "I" was doing.
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My AH would do weird things too regarding time - He would tell me he was about 1/2 hour from being home, but then the garage door would be opening as I was still on the phone with him - or he'd say he'd be home in a about 15 minutes, then an hour or two later he rolls in. I used to laugh and tell him he had no concept of time. I was never waiting for him, but reading Cece's response, it does make me wonder if he thought he'd be "catching me" by coming home when I didn't think he'd be there, or to control me staying home for him.
Whatever the cause of this type of behavior, it's rude and inconsiderate, do you want someone like that in your life or your children learning that that kind of behavior is acceptable behavior?
Sounds like you are learning things that are helping you unwind your mind. It's easy to look back, after your head has been unjumbled, and see life for what it is and was - but I had to do the same thing, I needed to put some of the pieces together. Now I do "see" and sometimes I wonder why I couldn't really get it or see it before - no regrets tho, I learned and I see it now.
Hugs to you!
Whatever the cause of this type of behavior, it's rude and inconsiderate, do you want someone like that in your life or your children learning that that kind of behavior is acceptable behavior?
Sounds like you are learning things that are helping you unwind your mind. It's easy to look back, after your head has been unjumbled, and see life for what it is and was - but I had to do the same thing, I needed to put some of the pieces together. Now I do "see" and sometimes I wonder why I couldn't really get it or see it before - no regrets tho, I learned and I see it now.
Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
I feel your pain Gem. Addicts are master manipulators. The best. I know a lot of women have met men who are manipulative - say, for sex - but addicts, I'm learning - seasoned ones - are masters at it. I've been warned by friends & family of my AGF. I've seen things (and felt things) first hand. We've broken up. I had made up my mind I was "done" 3 or 4 times now. And yet, somehow, I see/hear/feel things from her that bring me back. Of course, she never truly "left" me - because she was always on my mind anyway.
You're fairly new here - as am I - and, as depressing as it is - most of what you read in other threads & posts are the same things you have gone through, I have gone through -and we'll continue to go through as long as we accept an addict into our lives. I don't know which way is up myself at the present moment. I'm struggling with a lot - because I know a lot. I know the difference between right & wrong - and what is most likely right & wrong for me - yet, I'm still "here".
Guess I'll stay here until, as some posts/stickies say - the pain outweighs the good - and I realize it - and let go OR she cleans up (the dream) OR she ends up killing herself.
There's no understanding the "why" he or she does something. The best - heck, the ONLY thing we can do is work to understand the "why" WE do or don't do something. And that's hard & painful work sometimes.
You're fairly new here - as am I - and, as depressing as it is - most of what you read in other threads & posts are the same things you have gone through, I have gone through -and we'll continue to go through as long as we accept an addict into our lives. I don't know which way is up myself at the present moment. I'm struggling with a lot - because I know a lot. I know the difference between right & wrong - and what is most likely right & wrong for me - yet, I'm still "here".
Guess I'll stay here until, as some posts/stickies say - the pain outweighs the good - and I realize it - and let go OR she cleans up (the dream) OR she ends up killing herself.
There's no understanding the "why" he or she does something. The best - heck, the ONLY thing we can do is work to understand the "why" WE do or don't do something. And that's hard & painful work sometimes.
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