venusinlibra

I'm really mad at myself. I keep letting myself get sucked back in. I was doing so well and ready to let go. My ABF is a persuasive guy. I'm amazed at the rollercoaster ride of him being a jerk, me getting ready to end the relationship, he decides to be nice for a couple of days, and we're right back where we started. I guess not so persuasive, but I guess I'm willing to settle for crumbs.

He says I cause the "drama" although he's the one that has been out of work, in rehab, broke, etc. I work two jobs, own a home, and try to keep it together. He rarely says anything nice about me, he puts me down, and can really be a jerk.

I need some advise on how NOT to get sucked back in. I know keep going to my meetings which I do, but I just can't figure out why I won't let go. The relationship is making me physically ill and in a way I really hate the guy.

What the heck? Did you go through this as well?

denny57

Yes, it was about feelings of self worth. Al Anon pointed that out to me, individual therapy helped enormously, especially in discovering those feelings had nothing to do with xAH and everything to do with me, from a very early age.

Have you tried individual therapy; if so, have you discussed self worth (not self esteem)?

Freedom1990

For me, I had to go with no contact at all, nothing, no phone calls, etc. Every time I would pick up that phone, I'd end up in a tail spin for days on end.

FreeBird09

Oh my, sounds like me! I let him suck me back in many, many times over and over again. I can really relate to where you are at. I was at that point and it took me nearly 3 years and FINALLY finding this board to get the courage to at least 'try' to let go and believe in myself. I go to therapy once a week, and that helps too. I read more self help books then imaginable. I pray A LOT.

I KNOW I deserve better, but to actually follow through is the task at hand. I am learning to rewire my brain and it is hard looking at yourself (myself) and why I am addicted to alcoholics.

Good luck, God bless, and stay here on the boards. The people here are fantastic!!

Ago

for me it took what it took, then it took some more, then when that was all over, it took even more.

It will be over when you say it's over, then in order to not repeat it, and just run out and do it again, I agree with the three previous posts.

don't be "mad" at yourself, don't "beat yourself up" it's my experience that harmful manipulative people are really nice in between "their little episodes" of abuse, and seem to say everything you want to hear, and promise everything, and since they literally do not see how they are being abusive, somehow I let them convince me of that as well, and fall for the "wall of seduction" again, and again, and again.

It was just up to me to stop believing the product they were selling me and start believing the evidence in front of me, and realize I do, in fact, deserve better.

Her last words to me as I was walking away were her telling me how awful and abusive and what a terrible person I was and finger pointing and blaming me for everything, then wondering why I was walking away, then really getting nasty.

that's not love.

SereneRose

Yup! It is horrible that you can't leave or feel good. I agree on the self worth issue; definately a biggie in order to get some relax time. I used to get physically sick when my codie behaviour went into overload but after much reading on co dependancy and a LOT of Al Anon meetings my self worth is given over to my HP and that way I can work on self-esteem to make myself stronger. Dang, its hard but once you start practicing and using it in everyday life it is simply amazing! You look better and the person staring back at you in the mirror really likes ya!

GiveLove

I found that getting outside help was crucial to changing my pattern of self-punishment.

When you -- through therapy, counseling, coaching, Al-Anon, whatever -- reach the point where you love and admire and have tenderness for YOURSELF, you will no longer accept this kind of behavior.

In fact, if you're like me, you'll become as protective of yourself as you would of a tiny, precious daughter, and then your decision will be much easier. Just as you'd protect her with your life, you will begin to protect your own happiness with your life.......allow her to be spoken to the way he speaks to you? Allow her to be taken advantage of? Not a chance in he||.

It's a vicious cycle: When you can build your self-esteem to this level, you will no longer settle for abuse. Unfortunately, as long as you DO settle for abuse, your self-esteem may continue to suffer, as subconsciously it's hard to respect someone who allows herself to be treated as he treats you.

You've asked this question many times before, venus. Maybe it's time to make some kind of change. It won't kill you. It will set you free.

LucyA

I had to be hard, be selfish, and be focussed on myself and my kids (and his)

My brother is my A so my situation is a bit different, well, ok, a lot different, but I think it's just as difficult to detatch and stay detached. My whole family seemed to think I wanted my brother to be the subject of every conversation I had, they seemed to think he was my number one priority. I had to stop and tell them that it wasn't the case. They genuinely didn't realise (I think) until I actually said, stop, I don't want this, I can't cope with watching him kill himself and listening to what he's doing. Once I said it it was easier, sometimes he creeps into chats but I just remind people I don't want to talk about him or to get involved in his life. I'm happier now. I try to get to al anon too, I've only been twice but I just know it helps (I'm lucky though, I felt like I belonged the first time, I know it doesn't always work like that)


The main thing is, my brother is a really nice bloke, he'll do anything for anyone, he's lovely, sweet, caring, a great father, all this when he's been sober. When he's drinking he's a different bloke. That's why my nephew chose to live with me.

My brother reckons everything is someone elses fault too, he told me only yesterday how he was never unfaithful to his wife. It was everyone else spreading rumours, nothing to do with the fact that he was lving with another woman at the time she died! (oh and 'they' whoever they are, never gave him time to grieve)

I guess you don't get sucked in again when you've had enough. No sooner no later, you just know when.

I still get sucked in sometimes, I don't see it as failure or 'relapse' though, not as long as I recognise what's happened and don't get sucked too far.

Live

Daggonit, somewhere there is a circular chart that explains this. It is used quite frequently to help people understand.

Basically, there is the blowup....immediately followed by the honeymoon....immediately followed by the build up of tensions
And repeat. It is a circular cycle and can go on indefinitely.

live

Live

There is also the "Stockholm Syndrome". I know there is a sticky on that.

GiveLove

It is just like the cycle of violence. Substitute "abuse" for violence if it's verbal or emotional:
http://org.law.rutgers.edu/o-dvp/Images/wheel_cofv3.gif
The "Honeymoon" is exactly the same with alcoholics.

We get sucked back in until we're willing to step outside the ring and say, "no more." It helps to have a live, face-to-face support system.....

Live

Thank you very much give love...and I hope you don't mind, 'coz imitation is sincere flattery.....but I just borrowed your quotes and sent them to someone.

GiveLove

Borrow away, liveweyerd. I borrowed them too

DII

We all do this. There is hope! By nature we WANT to make the one we love happy but that is an empty and fragile existence with someone who does not reciprocate! YOU have to make yourself valuable.

Ago

here's an article that's pretty good if you sift past the bank robbers

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

NeedHappiness

NO CONTACT is the ONLY thing that has worked for me. My XABF is in jail and it has been a lifesaver for me. I have moved on!