Confusing Pity With Love
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 4
Confusing Pity With Love
My AW is currently in a rehab facility in Florida. On October 16, she admitted herself to a detoxification center for a week, then was transferred to the rehab facility where she currently resides and is scheduled to return in 2 and a half weeks.
I must admit, when she left I was completely devastated. I knew the help she was getting was better than anything I could do for her anymore. I kept lying to myself that we could tackle the problem ourselves, that if we just changed a few things, she wouldn't have the urge to drink. Maybe if I began driving her to and from work she wouldn't have the urge to go to the liquor store. Maybe if I didn't go out with my friends to watch football games, she wouldn't have the urge to drink when I was gone.
Walking back into our home was torturous without her there. I can't remember how many times I broke down crying. Not sure why I cried. Did I miss her, was it guilt, or was I relieved? I still can't answer any of those questions but I knew I needed to help myself first.
I came to this board looking for answers, looking to find the "right" way to react, looking for the words to say to her when I spoke to her on the phone. I thought I'd find the answers by buying a few books about codependency. But I soon found out that the only advice I needed was the advice I gave to myself. It was hard detaching from my AW. It is an everyday mental struggle with myself on how to change my reactions and the life that I was so used to living. But was that life really "living"?
I soon realized that my problem was that I was confusing pity and sympathy with love. After every horrific episode that I had experienced due to my AW's addiction, I remember her apologizing for her actions and telling me over and over again that she would never do it again. And I, as the rescuer, told her everything would be ok, that we'd get through it together. I felt so bad for her and when those feelings of pity overwhelmed me, I confused those feelings with my love for her. I really hadn't felt loved in so long that pity became love. And when I realized this, my recovery began.
I know it is a long process, and that there will be bumps in the road. I miss my AW, but I do not miss the life that we had before she left. When she returns, it might be a new beginning, it might become the end. But I have learned to realize that I (as she does) have two choices in life. Live my life, or live hers.
I must admit, when she left I was completely devastated. I knew the help she was getting was better than anything I could do for her anymore. I kept lying to myself that we could tackle the problem ourselves, that if we just changed a few things, she wouldn't have the urge to drink. Maybe if I began driving her to and from work she wouldn't have the urge to go to the liquor store. Maybe if I didn't go out with my friends to watch football games, she wouldn't have the urge to drink when I was gone.
Walking back into our home was torturous without her there. I can't remember how many times I broke down crying. Not sure why I cried. Did I miss her, was it guilt, or was I relieved? I still can't answer any of those questions but I knew I needed to help myself first.
I came to this board looking for answers, looking to find the "right" way to react, looking for the words to say to her when I spoke to her on the phone. I thought I'd find the answers by buying a few books about codependency. But I soon found out that the only advice I needed was the advice I gave to myself. It was hard detaching from my AW. It is an everyday mental struggle with myself on how to change my reactions and the life that I was so used to living. But was that life really "living"?
I soon realized that my problem was that I was confusing pity and sympathy with love. After every horrific episode that I had experienced due to my AW's addiction, I remember her apologizing for her actions and telling me over and over again that she would never do it again. And I, as the rescuer, told her everything would be ok, that we'd get through it together. I felt so bad for her and when those feelings of pity overwhelmed me, I confused those feelings with my love for her. I really hadn't felt loved in so long that pity became love. And when I realized this, my recovery began.
I know it is a long process, and that there will be bumps in the road. I miss my AW, but I do not miss the life that we had before she left. When she returns, it might be a new beginning, it might become the end. But I have learned to realize that I (as she does) have two choices in life. Live my life, or live hers.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((deb))
congrats to you for working on your own recovery - I know for me it has been a wonderful thing.
My AH went into treatment and about 6 months later I started Al-Anon. My recovery has saved my life and my relationships with so many people, A's and non A's.
My thoughts & prayers will be with both of you on this journey - my encouragement would be one of my favorite thoughts -
"No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK"
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity),
Rita
congrats to you for working on your own recovery - I know for me it has been a wonderful thing.
My AH went into treatment and about 6 months later I started Al-Anon. My recovery has saved my life and my relationships with so many people, A's and non A's.
My thoughts & prayers will be with both of you on this journey - my encouragement would be one of my favorite thoughts -
"No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK"
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity),
Rita
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