Looking for someone to state the obvious....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 4
Looking for someone to state the obvious....
I am sure this question has been posed a thousand times and will a thousand more.
Is it time for me to leave?
I have been dating my fiancée for a year and half (he is 38 and I am 29). We got engaged three months ago. He has been great, his family has been great, and our life is charmed. We have a beautiful home that sits on a hill, we both have great jobs that we love, we both aspire to be better and we share hopes and dreams. We don’t have money worries and our last argument was…..well it was so minor I cannot even remember it.
Most recently it came out that he has a drinking problem. You may ask, “How could you not know for over a year and half???”. The answer is simple, he didn’t get really bad until about a month ago. Sure, there were times that I questioned him, on vacation when he had too much or New Years when he spent the next day in bed hung-over, but this was normal right? People drink on vacation and New Years, we weren’t driving anywhere, we were at home or at the hotel and he wasn’t mean to me. We actually had a lot of fun. I thought it was normal.
Three weeks ago it started to get bad. I go to sleep early and one Sunday night I did just that. He came to bed at about midnight and fell fast asleep. Around 2am I heard retching and thought that the dog was going to be ill. It turns out it was my fiancée who proceeded to vomit all over himself, the bed, the floor and the nightstand, then fall back to sleep. I shook him and shook him to wake him up and when he finally did he stumbled into the bathroom and took a shower. After which he stumbled back out of the bathroom and passed out nude on the floor. I got him up again and put him on the couch and cleaned up the bedroom. I went back to confront him and he could hardly keep his eyes open.
The next day it came out that he has a problem, not only a problem but an addiction.
I wrote a letter to him which I read to him over dinner stating that I wanted him to get help and that was the only way I would stay. I told him that I wanted him to go to outpatient and AA meetings, I told him that if he did not I would leave. He followed through with AA but because he is self employed the insurance would not cover outpatient.
Fast forward to last night….I work late on Monday nights. I took off a little early because I got in earlier than I thought Monday morning. I tried calling a few times on the way home and he didn’t answer. I threw some laundry in the washer and headed downstairs. I saw him in his favorite chair asleep and thought nothing of it. He was just tired. I walked up to him and he was literally covered in vomit, from head to toe. I shook him to wake him up and he dazedly looked at me and fell back asleep.
I couldn’t leave last night because I was afraid he would hurt himself. I found out later that he drank a pint of vodka in a little over an hour. He got sick more than once and at one point went into the hot tub where he almost fell asleep. I had to stay last night to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. I tried to call his family and friends but they were of no help. In fact his uncle told me that I should make sure to keep him on his side so that when he gets sick he wouldn’t choke, then he laughed and said, “Oh, we have been on some benders! He will be fine!”. He obviously does not see the seriousness in this matter. His whole family has the same flip attitude about this.
The question is, “should I stay or should I go?”
I realize I enabled him last night by cleaning up and taking care of him. The last time this happened I told him in my letter over dinner that I would leave if he ever did something like this again. Am I breaking my word if I don’t leave?
I have a place to go and great friends and family that will support me, but what about him? Why is leaving so hard? I know in my heart he is a very good person that is struggling.
What should I do?
Is it time for me to leave?
I have been dating my fiancée for a year and half (he is 38 and I am 29). We got engaged three months ago. He has been great, his family has been great, and our life is charmed. We have a beautiful home that sits on a hill, we both have great jobs that we love, we both aspire to be better and we share hopes and dreams. We don’t have money worries and our last argument was…..well it was so minor I cannot even remember it.
Most recently it came out that he has a drinking problem. You may ask, “How could you not know for over a year and half???”. The answer is simple, he didn’t get really bad until about a month ago. Sure, there were times that I questioned him, on vacation when he had too much or New Years when he spent the next day in bed hung-over, but this was normal right? People drink on vacation and New Years, we weren’t driving anywhere, we were at home or at the hotel and he wasn’t mean to me. We actually had a lot of fun. I thought it was normal.
Three weeks ago it started to get bad. I go to sleep early and one Sunday night I did just that. He came to bed at about midnight and fell fast asleep. Around 2am I heard retching and thought that the dog was going to be ill. It turns out it was my fiancée who proceeded to vomit all over himself, the bed, the floor and the nightstand, then fall back to sleep. I shook him and shook him to wake him up and when he finally did he stumbled into the bathroom and took a shower. After which he stumbled back out of the bathroom and passed out nude on the floor. I got him up again and put him on the couch and cleaned up the bedroom. I went back to confront him and he could hardly keep his eyes open.
The next day it came out that he has a problem, not only a problem but an addiction.
I wrote a letter to him which I read to him over dinner stating that I wanted him to get help and that was the only way I would stay. I told him that I wanted him to go to outpatient and AA meetings, I told him that if he did not I would leave. He followed through with AA but because he is self employed the insurance would not cover outpatient.
Fast forward to last night….I work late on Monday nights. I took off a little early because I got in earlier than I thought Monday morning. I tried calling a few times on the way home and he didn’t answer. I threw some laundry in the washer and headed downstairs. I saw him in his favorite chair asleep and thought nothing of it. He was just tired. I walked up to him and he was literally covered in vomit, from head to toe. I shook him to wake him up and he dazedly looked at me and fell back asleep.
I couldn’t leave last night because I was afraid he would hurt himself. I found out later that he drank a pint of vodka in a little over an hour. He got sick more than once and at one point went into the hot tub where he almost fell asleep. I had to stay last night to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. I tried to call his family and friends but they were of no help. In fact his uncle told me that I should make sure to keep him on his side so that when he gets sick he wouldn’t choke, then he laughed and said, “Oh, we have been on some benders! He will be fine!”. He obviously does not see the seriousness in this matter. His whole family has the same flip attitude about this.
The question is, “should I stay or should I go?”
I realize I enabled him last night by cleaning up and taking care of him. The last time this happened I told him in my letter over dinner that I would leave if he ever did something like this again. Am I breaking my word if I don’t leave?
I have a place to go and great friends and family that will support me, but what about him? Why is leaving so hard? I know in my heart he is a very good person that is struggling.
What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Starchild5 
I wrote a letter to him which I read to him over dinner stating that I wanted him to get help and that was the only way I would stay. I told him that I wanted him to go to outpatient and AA meetings, I told him that if he did not I would leave. He followed through with AA but because he is self employed the insurance would not cover outpatient.
?
You can't make him do anything he is unwilling to do for himself. It took me leaving my AGF last Saturday to make her decide that she wanted me more than the bottle. I have no idea if she will make it but she is 3 days sober so far and knows that to pick up again is making a choice of the bottle over me.
I'll never play second fiddle to the bottle ever again!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can't tell you to stay or leave.
What I do know is I was a crazy codependent when I married my EXAH in spite of all the red flags right in front of my nose.
I thought that if I loved him enough, was patient enough, caring enough, etc etc etc, that he would change.
It was five long years of hell.
You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.
I was in love with a fantasy, of what 'could be' with my EXAH.
Today I know that I deserve a loving, responsible, and healthy partner in life.
I no longer lower my bar of standards for anyone.
What I do know is I was a crazy codependent when I married my EXAH in spite of all the red flags right in front of my nose.
I thought that if I loved him enough, was patient enough, caring enough, etc etc etc, that he would change.
It was five long years of hell.
You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.
I was in love with a fantasy, of what 'could be' with my EXAH.
Today I know that I deserve a loving, responsible, and healthy partner in life.
I no longer lower my bar of standards for anyone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Read "your" story over and over, again, in all the posts and stickies here, and see the pattern, then decide for yourself.
Because addiction is chronic and progressive, the trajectory is ALWAYS eventually downhill to devastation, unless SERIOUS recovery comes and is motivated from within the addict themself.
In my experience, any other "reality" was just wishful thinking, on my part. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, coming to that realization, because I wanted a different reality to play out.
Welcome! We all know your story, here... it's how we got here!
CLMI
Because addiction is chronic and progressive, the trajectory is ALWAYS eventually downhill to devastation, unless SERIOUS recovery comes and is motivated from within the addict themself.
In my experience, any other "reality" was just wishful thinking, on my part. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, coming to that realization, because I wanted a different reality to play out.
Welcome! We all know your story, here... it's how we got here!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 4
Thank you
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really do appreciate them. I know that my story is not totally unique but it really helps to know that others have gone through this and overcome it.
Thank you again.
Thank you again.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
I was also surprised by my husband's admission of his drinking problem - he always drank quietly after I went to sleep - I had no idea.
But, once he told me about the problem, it seemed to grow. Exponentially.
I'm not sure why - perhaps he could sense the spiral out of control and felt the need to tell me.
We had serious talks about my concern for his health, our relationship, and our son.
He kept drinking.
I left him.
He kept drinking.
He entered inpatient rehab.
We reconciled.
He kept drinking.
I left again.
He's still drinking.
I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture for you, just a real one. My husband was a very good man, and I was in love with our life together.
I thought that my love for him, our love for each other, would help pull him through. I was wrong.
I now understand that my husband is fully capable of making the changes necessary to overcome his addiction. He will do so when he is ready. I have no part in that process. I can not speed it up, make it gentle, or make it last. It is entirely up to him.
When I came to that understanding I began to see that spending my life waiting around hoping that my AH would "see the light" was just wasting my time.
What do you want for your life?
Go get it.
He may figure things out for himself, but you don't have to stick around for the misery.
Take care.
-TC
But, once he told me about the problem, it seemed to grow. Exponentially.
I'm not sure why - perhaps he could sense the spiral out of control and felt the need to tell me.
We had serious talks about my concern for his health, our relationship, and our son.
He kept drinking.
I left him.
He kept drinking.
He entered inpatient rehab.
We reconciled.
He kept drinking.
I left again.
He's still drinking.
I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture for you, just a real one. My husband was a very good man, and I was in love with our life together.
I thought that my love for him, our love for each other, would help pull him through. I was wrong.
I now understand that my husband is fully capable of making the changes necessary to overcome his addiction. He will do so when he is ready. I have no part in that process. I can not speed it up, make it gentle, or make it last. It is entirely up to him.
When I came to that understanding I began to see that spending my life waiting around hoping that my AH would "see the light" was just wasting my time.
What do you want for your life?
Go get it.
He may figure things out for himself, but you don't have to stick around for the misery.
Take care.
-TC
Rediscovering myself
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
Alcoholism is progressive. First its one beer a night and next year it's 12 a night and you wonder WTH happened. It can sneak up on you, gradually. Don't be embarrassed/ashamed, admit your mistake and move on.
Again, none of us can tell you to stay or go. I will tell you it's worse when you are have to pay for a divorce and have a child to think of. I will also tell you that there's NOTHING he can do to 'make up' for his drinking habit. He can buy diamonds and pearls for you and it will never be alright.
He is not your problem. You are responsible for you and only you. 38YO men CAN live on their own. They do it every day. He is no different.
Again, none of us can tell you to stay or go. I will tell you it's worse when you are have to pay for a divorce and have a child to think of. I will also tell you that there's NOTHING he can do to 'make up' for his drinking habit. He can buy diamonds and pearls for you and it will never be alright.
He is not your problem. You are responsible for you and only you. 38YO men CAN live on their own. They do it every day. He is no different.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You know it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision right now.
Perhaps you could use your support systems and "take a sabbatical", in other words, separate without making a permanent decision.
There is hope, as long as you are realistic.
You can find plenty success stories in the addicts forums, as well.
None of us can predict the outcome of your particular case.
Best wishes!
live
Perhaps you could use your support systems and "take a sabbatical", in other words, separate without making a permanent decision.
There is hope, as long as you are realistic.
You can find plenty success stories in the addicts forums, as well.
None of us can predict the outcome of your particular case.
Best wishes!
live
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I second liveweyerd's suggestion to perhaps "take a sabbatical." I'm sorry this is happening to you, but some time away might give you the clarity to find answers for yourself. Your fiancee sounds like a person with potential but he really, really has to want to find help for himself. It sounds like he has the financial resources to do outpatient even without insurance -- he just has to choose to make the investment in his life.
We are always here if you need a little experience, strength, and hope.
We are always here if you need a little experience, strength, and hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
You know it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision right now.
Perhaps you could use your support systems and "take a sabbatical", in other words, separate without making a permanent decision.
There is hope, as long as you are realistic.
You can find plenty success stories in the addicts forums, as well.
None of us can predict the outcome of your particular case.
Best wishes!
live
Perhaps you could use your support systems and "take a sabbatical", in other words, separate without making a permanent decision.
There is hope, as long as you are realistic.
You can find plenty success stories in the addicts forums, as well.
None of us can predict the outcome of your particular case.
Best wishes!
live
Thank you
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
“should I stay or should I go?”
Only you can answer that, but to quote a line from The Clash song "Should I Stay or Should I Go"......"If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double." That's the predicament we are in. I came here looking for an answer that would be pain-free for me, my AH, and my kids. What I found was that no matter what I chose there would be pain. The object for me was to get through the pain to a place where I could be healthy and have the joy back that I deserve, because I have learned I can't be responsible for my AH's happiness......as much as I have tried and he has led me to believe I should be.
One of the favorite things I have heard is "the only way out is through it".....meaning, feel your feelings, work the process, and you will be just fine. This from a gal that spent 20 YEARS in denial.......I think you are doing great!
Only you can answer that, but to quote a line from The Clash song "Should I Stay or Should I Go"......"If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double." That's the predicament we are in. I came here looking for an answer that would be pain-free for me, my AH, and my kids. What I found was that no matter what I chose there would be pain. The object for me was to get through the pain to a place where I could be healthy and have the joy back that I deserve, because I have learned I can't be responsible for my AH's happiness......as much as I have tried and he has led me to believe I should be.
One of the favorite things I have heard is "the only way out is through it".....meaning, feel your feelings, work the process, and you will be just fine. This from a gal that spent 20 YEARS in denial.......I think you are doing great!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I too think he has potential
Just be careful that your assessment of his "potential" includes all the "potential" difficulties and progression of alcoholism. Keep your vision balanced. Many times I have focused on only the "positive potential" of a person while remaining in complete denial of how they really ARE, or of how the negative potential has an equal chance of prevailing!
I don't want to see the negative or I engage in magical thinking (if I just believe in his good side he can beat this, if he only knew what he could have in his life if he beat this, I know he can beat this, I will help, etc)
Alcoholism is a formidable foe. Only when the alcoholic seriously musters all their will and effort to focus on sobriety and recovery there will be no progression except down. This recovery is serious, obvious to others, and takes time.
I agree w/ livewyrd 100% - it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision you make right now. A little distance and detachment will allow you to get the focus on yourself for a while and be sure about what YOU want your future life & relationships to look like!
Peace-
B.
Just be careful that your assessment of his "potential" includes all the "potential" difficulties and progression of alcoholism. Keep your vision balanced. Many times I have focused on only the "positive potential" of a person while remaining in complete denial of how they really ARE, or of how the negative potential has an equal chance of prevailing!
I don't want to see the negative or I engage in magical thinking (if I just believe in his good side he can beat this, if he only knew what he could have in his life if he beat this, I know he can beat this, I will help, etc)
Alcoholism is a formidable foe. Only when the alcoholic seriously musters all their will and effort to focus on sobriety and recovery there will be no progression except down. This recovery is serious, obvious to others, and takes time.
I agree w/ livewyrd 100% - it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision you make right now. A little distance and detachment will allow you to get the focus on yourself for a while and be sure about what YOU want your future life & relationships to look like!
Peace-
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Bernadette
I too think he has potential
Just be careful that your assessment of his "potential" includes all the "potential" difficulties and progression of alcoholism. Keep your vision balanced. Many times I have focused on only the "positive potential" of a person while remaining in complete denial of how they really ARE, or of how the negative potential has an equal chance of prevailing!
I don't want to see the negative or I engage in magical thinking (if I just believe in his good side he can beat this, if he only knew what he could have in his life if he beat this, I know he can beat this, I will help, etc)
Alcoholism is a formidable foe. Only when the alcoholic seriously musters all their will and effort to focus on sobriety and recovery there will be no progression except down. This recovery is serious, obvious to others, and takes time.
I agree w/ livewyrd 100% - it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision you make right now. A little distance and detachment will allow you to get the focus on yourself for a while and be sure about what YOU want your future life & relationships to look like!
Peace-
B.
Just be careful that your assessment of his "potential" includes all the "potential" difficulties and progression of alcoholism. Keep your vision balanced. Many times I have focused on only the "positive potential" of a person while remaining in complete denial of how they really ARE, or of how the negative potential has an equal chance of prevailing!
I don't want to see the negative or I engage in magical thinking (if I just believe in his good side he can beat this, if he only knew what he could have in his life if he beat this, I know he can beat this, I will help, etc)
Alcoholism is a formidable foe. Only when the alcoholic seriously musters all their will and effort to focus on sobriety and recovery there will be no progression except down. This recovery is serious, obvious to others, and takes time.
I agree w/ livewyrd 100% - it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision you make right now. A little distance and detachment will allow you to get the focus on yourself for a while and be sure about what YOU want your future life & relationships to look like!
Peace-
B.
I totally understand where you are coming from and appreciate the thought. I honestly can say I had not opened my mind to the idea of moving out for a shorter period of time to see how he does until I read this thread. I really do appreciate it. And I am going to take that advice as I think it will give me (and him) the distance we need to figure out if this can be controlled.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Starchild5
Am I breaking my word if I don’t leave?
I would answer the above question with yes; but I would say I was breaking my word to MYSELF, not him.
In Al Anon I learned to not make threats I had no intention of going through with. It teaches the other person I do not mean what I say; and eventually I believe it teaches them to lose respect for me. I say this after 18 years of living with an alcoholic. At the beginning we also had all the nice things you mention. As a matter of fact we had them at the end, too. But we had one sick relationship.
Keep posting!
Trying to find a path
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
Leaving is tough. It is one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. Be careful not to fall in love with his potential, you still have to live with the person.
I wish you the best of luck.
I wish you the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Sabbatical sounds a good idea. At least you will have "left" him, even if only temporarily and still leave the door open if he takes action to get help. That is up to him, and what happens if he doesn't or relapses is also up to him. You do what you need to for YOU.
God bless
God bless
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I agree with jadmack....Leave temporarily. Let him know you will not see him and in six months see where he's at. You'll probably find he's exactly where you left him.
Thank the good lord you do not have children in this mess.
Alcoholism takes sooooooooooo long to make the one's around in realize they have to walk away. IF you see that now.......you are years ahead of hearache and good for you.
If it were me, knowing what I know now......yes I would leave and tell him to pack sand. (I've never been one for cookie cutter break ups)
Good luck.
Thank the good lord you do not have children in this mess.
Alcoholism takes sooooooooooo long to make the one's around in realize they have to walk away. IF you see that now.......you are years ahead of hearache and good for you.
If it were me, knowing what I know now......yes I would leave and tell him to pack sand. (I've never been one for cookie cutter break ups)
Good luck.
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