rahsue

My RAS is doing well, why am I not?
My RAS lives with me, my oldest sober son and his girlfriend and my grandson (2) all are slobs, I am constantly cleaning up after them, and I have talked to them , begged them and even said if you can't do what i ask then find somewhere else to live. nothing works
to top it off i babysit for my 4 yr old grandson, (daughter doesn't live with me)
she doesn't make much money so paying a babysitter is not a good option.

all of this is working on my nerves, i stopped going to the gym (and boy do I need it)
i have to remind my daughter that i cannot babysit on thursdays, (i volunteer at the zoo) and I have had to take the 4yr old with me on more than on e occasion.
oh and i forgot to mention my oldest son's 2 dogs who do what they want as well if you get my meaning.

i feel as if I get no respect at all, throwing them out is not an option, not babysitting would put a big burden on my daughter. and eventually she 'd be borrowing money which i don't have so that would backfire.

i don't know what to do.

i keep telling myself not to worry it'll work it self out and life is good, i keep my spirits up for the most part, I don't complain because all I get is "mom I would move if I could but I can't afford it" and when i say get rid of the dogs all i get is I don't know where to take them, the shelter will kill them. and i sure can live with that (sarcasm)


ok, I've written it all down, thanks for listening my friends.

Chino

If you aren't ready to toss them out, are you ready to be a drill sergeant? For the dogs, maybe go buy some chains and tie them up to a tree?

greeteachday

Hi there Rahsue...Sure sounds like you may be slipping back into the fixer role a bit. I have found that my addiction to fixing had little to do with just the addict in my life. That's why this program has been so good for me in every aspect of my life.
One image that helps me often is the hoola hoop. When I get this urge to fix, I mentally visualize whether the "problem" is inside my hoola hoop or not. Most times it isn't, so I have to shift to the part of it that is inside my hoola hoop.

I realized I spent a lot of time figuring out the solution for my kids when I had had enough and started to resent. Then I started taking baby steps in my boundaries. Once I realized I had a choice...to accept the unacceptable behavior and store up resentments or to establish a clear boundary and stick to it, things changed for the better. My kids were not about to change when I made idle threats and caved anyway...why should they? But when I said what I meant and meant what i said and didn't say it mean, things started to change. I started small and built up (i.e. no, I can not loan you money for your bills...you made a choice to spend your money elsewhere; I am sure you can figure out what to do now...Or no, I can not drive you to xxx. I've made other plans.) I didn't spend a lot of time justifying my choices...that just leads to debates.
I've found this idea of letting people solve their own problems and not jumping into the fray has been very liberating in both my personal life and at work. As I shed everyone elses problems, my burdens have become so light.

I sure hope one of your first gifts to yourself is to get back to the gym. I know a good workout for me helps relieve stress and changes my outlook. It is a good way for me to change my perspective quickly. Hugs

Chino

I'm thinking about all the suggestions my therapist gave me and some of them I had to do. If they don't want to pick up after themselves they can live in a tent in the back yard. Kick them out of the house while I clean and they don't get to come back in until I say, might be tomorrow, too!

cece1960

I have the same proble with slobby kids. And I too tend to rationalize as in "well, at least I'm not daeling with (fill in the blank)
But darn it, I deserve to have my own space and not feel over run.

Maybe you could try and declare their space and yours. Let them keep thier own room in whatever condition suits them, as long as "your" space remains as you like it. Its something I'm working on, so I'll let you know how it turns out

They may get tired of being holed up in a bedroom with two dogs and their own mess.

Hang in there
(((Hugs)))

lauren

A friend of mine had this problem with her daughter as well.

She decided rather than stress about the mess she would
go around with a garbage bag irregardless of what it was and
pick it up and place all the bags in the garage. When her daughter
needed anything she would have to go to the garage and sort out
all of her things to find what she needed, after awhile she did start
to keep her things in her designated place ( her room).

When I was growing up we had a day usually Saturday morning
to change sheets, sort our clothing for the week and do up laundry
before we could go out for the day. We did get up early to do this
as we didn't want to waste our day doing house chores.

You do get a lot of attitude at first, then once the habit sets in
they realize that you mean what you say, again a choice isn't
it..

lauren

hello-kitty

What Lauren suggests is what I do with my son's toys. And he's three. If he doesn't pick them up after I ask him, I throw them away. And when he asks what happened to his toys, I tell him I threw them away. You need to pick up your toys because if I have to pick them up they become mine and I throw them away. He cries. But so what. I am not going to be his slave for the rest of his life. I am setting boundaries about what is appropriate behavior in our home.

I think it would be fair for you to set similar boundaries for the adults who live in your house. ESPECIALLY if they are adults. They should know better. And it's never to late to learn if they don't.

You set the boundaries. You are responsible for the outcome. This is your choice. Your problem. You can solve it.

grateful2b

Rahsue, lots of good advice here....
Greet thanks for the hoola hoop visual and Lauren great idea with the garbage bag....
its a hard spot and I can only add: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...
you deserve, and have the right, and need, to carve out space for you...first priority....
hugs and prayers, Grateful

Impurrfect

(((Rashue)))

You've gotten some great advice here. I just have to say, your post reminded me of Melodie Beatties chapter in the book about her running around, taking care of everyone, no one showing any appreciation, and she was wondering why she felt miserable.

Back to boundaries, sweetie. Personally, if I was your kids and saw you coming through with a big garbage bag, I'd be cleaning up really quick!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rahsue

thanks everyone, i really gotta grow some you know whats I guess. I was always what some would call a strict mother but boy have I turned to mush in my old age. back when i was in my 30's I would have been doing all thats been advised above. i think i got very meloncolly (sp) hoping peace and serenity would be there if i "calmed me down", instead the voltures swooped in on the prey. maybe it's time to show them my talons, lol.

BBD

rahsue, After my son got out of rehab and came to live with us my councelor told me I "Had" to give him a time limit to move out. It practicially killed me but I did it. I gave him 90 days to get it together and guess what?? He was out in 30 ~~with a new apartment and a job. It's hard I know but living together is oh so much harder.....agree?? Good luck with whatever plan you come up with but you have to stay healthy and sane yourself....smiles, Bonnie