And the rollercoaster ride continues

Old 11-04-2008, 05:51 AM
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And the rollercoaster ride continues

Hello all, I am back once again. I have been lurking for quite awhile but now have finally gotten up the guts to post again. I honestly wished I would never have to.

So it begins again. He had been doing so well and now I feel as if we’re back to square one only this time I have so much more to lose. My boyfriend is a coke and pot addict. Just writing that hurt.

We have had quite the rollercoaster ride over the past year and I was hoping finally that it would all come to an end. We recently bought a condo together and things were beginning to look up. That was until this weekend. He is a DJ and thus constantly immersed in the drug world. He played this weekend and needless to say it was back around. We had a brawl about this on Thursday and once again I got the promises and things seemed fine. Rest of the weekend went okay and then yesterday is when things seemed to really come to a head for him. I came home from work and he was miserable.

When he is down in the dumps he implodes, telling me what a loser he is and he’s mad at himself. I don’t know what to say anymore. It may sound mean, but I don’t feel bad for him any longer. I used to, but now I’m just bitter. He doesn’t do anything to change the situation. He has gotten very good at playing the victim and in my perception that’s where the drugs came in. It’s easier not to feel than deal with all of the stuff he has brushed under the rug for so long. He slept from about 630 last night until about 630 this AM when I left for work and he was a little more civil this AM, but god only knows what the day will bring.

It makes me nuts because I now sit here in a constant state of panic wondering what I am going to come home to.

I have been on this ride for over a year now. I want to stay that I’m getting tired, but I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’m just a glutton for punishment or if I really in my sick mind think I can help him. What I do know is I didn’t sign up for this. I just don’t know what else to do. I feel terribly alone, I don’t have anyone to turn to for help, I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends which wouldn’t really help being they’re 300 miles away. There’s no point in reaching out to his as the majority of them use as well. His family is the primary reason he’s using. Where does that leave me with trying to develop a support system for him?

I’m sorry this is so long. It’s just been building up for awhile now and I really don’t know where else to turn.
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Old 11-04-2008, 06:35 AM
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catecicc,
Hi and welcome back. Regardless of how HE is doing, YOU need to come here, to build up your strength, and find some comfort by our support.

One thing jumped out at me from your post, "His family is the primary reason he’s using"
THAT is just not true, it's another excuse to use, that's all.

Perhaps you're on the right track by saying, I didn't sign up for this, maybe think about what YOU want out of life, and where you would like to be in the next 5 years.
Addiction is exhausting...

Stay with us, find some Alanon meetings,
TRY to relax, okay..

Hugs,
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Old 11-04-2008, 06:41 AM
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first off I have to say YOU cannot DEVELOPE a support system for HIM.
There are already alot of support systems out there that HE needs to get into.
second, addicts are always really great at portraying the VICTIM, it's how they get you to keep giving them chances. if I were to give you advice on this one it would be to tell him you don't feel bad for him anymore, that unless he wants to get BETTER, he can have the pity party all by himself.

I am saying this with nothing but love.
so many times I've seen it written, "nothing changes if nothing changes"
so if he doesn't do something to change it won't.

now on to you, no need to live in panic, go about your business and be yourself. eventually he'll see that he doesn't have you to bounce crap off of.

and perhaps you will want to leave, and if that time does come you will know you did what you could, because you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you sure can't control it.

best of luck to you and keep reading here, this place has saved my sanity.
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:02 AM
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Welcome back...there's always a warm seat here for you.

I have to agree with the others in that YOU can not develop a support system for him and his family is not the primary reason for using.

He uses because he's a drug addict...period. And the longer you buy into his rationale, the more comfortable he will be in continuing his use.

When I learned that my son was addicted, I blamed everyone and everything...except him. I now know that one of the most life changing realizations for me was the simple aspect of acceptance.

Once I honestly accepted the fact that my son was addicted, and what addicts do, and that there never may be an answer as to why...I was able to think more clearly and begin to work on my own happiness.

I have never stopped loving him for so much as a minute...but I understand a bit better now.

I return often to that acceptance when I need to get back on track.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:53 AM
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Wow - that was/is my AH. He has his parents, 2 brothers (and their wives) and 4 nephews within a 20 mile radius. His sister and her family live in another state - but that alone is quite a support system, but all he ever did was whine about how this brother doesn't treat him with respect, and how his parents aren't supportive to him the way he wants, etc... Then there's all the guys he works around. They all are disrespectful, etc. too.

Poor poor pitiful him. I tried for years. First I spent time with his family so he would spend more time with them. That didn't work. Then I tried this that and the other. For years and years this went on.

Regardless that I didn't know all those years I was dealing with an addict - I finally figured out - THEY weren't the problem (altho they're not perfect) it was all him. He chooses to be the victim.

You can't build bridges for him, he has to build his own. Just like you.

I used to feel like I was dealing with a child. When he got like that - on the pity pot, I'd start to wonder... What did he do that he's busy getting me to pity him so I don't get mad at what? I never did find out, but now I know. I must have been coming close at times to finding out about the pills.

Welcome back, stick around.
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Old 11-04-2008, 10:24 AM
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Thank you all so much for your warm responses. It's comforting to know I still have someplace I can seek solace.

You are completely correct in my not founding a support system for him. I need to learn to be more hands off. That's the biggest part of the problem. He has grown accustomed to people picking him up when he fell. He needs to see that there isn't anyone there to do that any longer.

Wow, it didn't hit me until you all pointed it out regarding his "reason" for using. It's another crutch for the victim. You're so right.

It's strange to say but for the first time I'm not heartbroken. I'm not devastated, I'm angry. I'm bitter. I just don't understand.

RAHSue - I love that quote, I'm going to make it my mantra.

I have already looked up meetings and I'm going to sit down with a counselor for myself as well.

And so it begins again. It's pathetic that I sit at my desk right now already in a tizzy about what I'm going to come home to. He isn't mean when he's down, he's kinda just there. I don't know how to explain it. He doesn't say much and kinda just mopes. Sometimes I wish he would just yell. Just so I know he still feels anything.

What's so difficult about him is the up and down. He'll go months without touching it and then delve right back in and we'll have a week or two of hell then he's A-OK again. I hate it, as soon as I think things are getting better God throws me another curveball.
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Old 11-04-2008, 01:12 PM
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Welcome back!

I'm sorry you're going through this again, but I have to echo what everyone else says...he uses because he wants to.

Since I'm an RA, I have firsthand knowledge of this. I could use ANYTHING as an excuse to use...good day, bad day, sun shining, raining, whatever.

In the last month, I have been a victim of a robbery at work, was hit on the head and am dealing with health issues from this, not to mention financial. I COULD easily use this as an excuse to use, but I'm not. Instead, I will have 20 months clean in a few days.

I also did the "poor me, my life sucks" whenever I first had to start dealing with my consequences. My family just said "I'm sorry" but let me find my own way through it all. That's the greatest gift they could have given me, because each little step I made toward recovery, made me more confident.

Focus on you, and let him find his own way....even if that means without you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-05-2008, 08:02 AM
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Amy - I have followed your story while lurking. I'm so sorry for all that you have had to go through over and above addiction. You though, should commend yourself for overcoming such adversity. I admire you.

I agree entirely with you. He's going to do what he's going to do. I need to work on a game plan for me. I need some coping mechanisms other than sending myself into an anxiety attack every time my gut tells me he's been using again.

I am also a recovery addict. I feel it both helps and hurts me when it comes to dealing with him. It helps because I understand addiction, but it also hurts. It hurts because I cannot get my head around why I can get clean and he can't. My rational mind gets it, my irrational mind doesn't.

Here's an update from yesterday...I speak with him after my last post and he's A-OK! I swear soemtimes I feel I am the crazy one. He understands what he did and he's sorry and he's mad at himself but he feels better now. He kills me because as I said previously this is how the cycle goes. He's party for awhile, get depressed, go clean for a few months then the vicious cycle starts over. Has anyone else dealt with someone like this? If so, I would really appreciate your input.
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Old 11-05-2008, 08:32 AM
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People have said it already, but take care of Yourself. Your addict needs to do it himself.

Believe me I know how hard that is. There will be times that you'll feel you can't do it, and you will fail, but keep trying and come here for encouragement.

Prayers going your way.
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