angelily214

I have been married to my AH for 11years (3 kids - 13SD - 12S - 10S). About a year ago I woke up and realized the mess our lives had become . We lost our house, he lost many many jobs, cars repo-ed, we moved 10 times in eleven years, lost friends, our sanity and so much more. I finally wised up (and I still am) and decided to make one last move back to our hometown. We always lived in the country 30min to an hour from all of our loved ones. It was never my choice to be away from everyone. I think it was the way of the AH to control & isolate us. Well since being back the kids and I have more to do living in town. AH discovered the local bar and the good ol days of binge drinking was kicked into high gear. Needless to say he ended up in jail for a domestic dispute we had one night after "Band Practice" he plays guitar. His parents bailed him out, which made me very upset. I wanted him to sober up and take a friggin time out. He spent 9 hours there then and was released on the conditions to live with his parents and to stay away from me. Just me NOT the kids. He called the moment he got out calling me. Crying, ashamed, quack quack quack. I bought it, I love this man and on want him to get help. Dudes been drunk for 11yrs straight!! I started going to al anon when he went to jail. After him making an effort to seek counseling for his drinking he made his own choice to move back in. We went back to court the judge revoked his bond and he went to jail for 6 days! I was distraught.... I am a recovering controller, care taker, fixer, enabler, & co dependent. I lost my mind worried he would lose his job and the anger and resentment he must have felt for me. I was sad depressed and lost. BUT not stressed about his killing himself. It was a relief to know he was safe and not my problem. Any how after the 6 days he went back to his parents for 3 days till court. After court he was allowed to move back home on the conditions He goes to AA, continues the outpatient therapy, & NO DRINKING. The next day after moving back home and talking to the kids making the "promises" he goes to band practice and drinks! Toned down BUT still. I refuse to throw myself in front of the door & stop him......his choices are HIS and I will make mine accordingly. He isn't drinking everyday like the last eleven years. BUT still thinks weekends are ok for now. He does get wasted on Band night, after his AA meeting this weekend on Saturday, he drank till 3am talking about how he is going to stop drinking :wtf2 . The kids are all going to Al Ateen & me to 2 Alanon meetings a week. He refuses to live with his Mom & Dad. I know he will never leave. I would like for the kid & i to work the program for 6 months. Make our decision then to leave in the summer. They are angery and feed up & frankly I am too. Its exhausting having him around. Any ideas?? Don't know if we can make it 6months....Any suggestions to get him to see the light? - Thanks in advance!

sailorjohn

The idea behind your going to those meetings is to get you to see the light. There is nothing you can do about his drinking beyond setting boundaries and enforcing them. You could start with enforcing the boundaries the courts have set for him and he has apparently ignored. Good luck, things should get better if you stop focusing on his drinking and start focusing on yourself.

sailorjohn

So sorry, just noticed that you're new here.


WELCOME!!!

blessed4x

WELCOME!! Even if you set the 6 months in your mind as a "goal" to see how things go, that may well have changed.......and you are entitled to change it.

I have been told over and over that "you'll know when you know". Could it be that you are getting healthier and less willing to tolerate his antics? It helps me to know I am taking concrete steps to get out (just my situation....not saying that's what's best for you), such as saving money in a seperate account in case I need a downpayment on a place to stay, getting my name off utilities, meeting with an attorney. It keeps my mind off of all of his nutty behavior and looking toward a better future for me and my kids.

sslusser

That is the $64,000 question. There is nothing any of us can do to make them see the light. It is their choice to make.

Why 6 months? Just curious.

Blondie

Welcome!!!

Well, that is a very good question. How do you get them to see the light. You can't. The best thing to do is concentrate on yourself and what you and your kids need. You are taking a step in the right direction with al-anon and posting here.

angelily214

I read not to make any MAJOR changes for 6 months after starting the program. Plus my kids will be out of school for the summer and a change or move will be better for them @ that time. I would like to give him that time he needs to see if he will change I know it's false hope. I just don't want the kids to resent me for not giving him a chance to prove himself!

dothi

Seconding others. There's pretty much nothing you can do to make him see the light. He may never see it. That's just not something you have any control over.

Do you have a plan for either outcome? If he wakes up, it seems pretty clear what the plan would be. But what if he doesn't? (this has been an 11-year lifestyle, afterall) Have you thought about what you're going to do?

Your husband could be my dad, from the sounds of it. He made the big decision to raise us a 1/2 h from town, socially isolating us throughout our childhood. Things were great for him then. We got used to having no needs outside of the household - no need to drive us into town for sports or hobbies or friends (perfect, as nothing stood in the way for him to go straight to the bar after work). As we've grown up I'm sure he feels his life inexplicably got worse, because invariably we've slipped farther and farther beyond his control. Of course, he was never proactively a controlling person. It was just easier for him when we didn't know any better, and accepted a drunk father on birthdays, holidays, and all other special occassions. He seems to suffer from endless heartbreak these days because we'd rather spend our birthdays elsewhere with other people rather than with him (and believe me, that doesn't stop the drinking).

For your kids' sakes, I'm really glad you've moved them into town. They need and deserve at least one stable reliable parent. Please continue to be strong for them. It may not seem obvious, but they are really relying on you to show them how to cope with their dad's behavior. Acknowledging that his drinking is a problem is a huge step.

angelily214

I plan on saving some money during the 6 months for moving out & my lawyer. It's going to be over when I do leave.

justaboutus

I just wanted to say there's a difference between hopes and expectations. We have to have hope (especially those of us who have had children with alcoholics). I hope, pray, and desire with all my heart that my husband becomes a great father for my daughter... but I don't expect it. I have backup father figures (my father, uncles, etc.) for her to grow up with. I'm also already having conversations with her in my head, explaining that her dad makes mistakes. Our ideal future is with him sober, but I don't need it, my plan will work just fine. If he does sober up one day, FABULOUS. I get my cake and I can eat it too.

Umm... they will probably resent you anyway, at some point in time or another. They'll need someone to blame their hurt on and it may be misdirected at you for a period of time... especially when they're teenagers.

FormerDoormat

I used to think that was my ideal future, too. But Richard achieved sobriety for nearly a year and my life was still FAR from ideal. That's because neither Richard nor his drinking was the root of my problem.