I am the definition of insanity....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I am the definition of insanity....
AH and I tried reconciling again. Yesterday, alcohol took precedence over anyone's feelings yet again. Oh.....after the verbal abuse at the GROCERY STORE. I asked him to stop and when he didn't, I walked out.
I keep going back. Banging my head on a brick wall would be more effective I believe.
I'm fine for 4-5 weeks without AH these days. And then I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't see him.
This time, and I'm documenting here, I am NOT going back.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
MY KIDS DON'T NEED HIM.
Certainly not as he is...
I'm setting some short-term goals for myself....
1) I meet with my case manager at the DV center on Monday. I am turning in the paperwork for legal aid to assist with my divorce. Because there has been domestic violence, the income limit is higher and I qualify. I don't know how long it will take from that point, but it's Step 1.
2) I am going to be the best mom I can be to my two kiddos. My D12 already hates me for allowing her father in and out of my life. I don't know how much I can do to salvage a relationship with her but I can try. My S8 is very much a momma's boy yet.
3) I'm going to walk 4 times per week, attempt to start eating healthier and lose 10 lbs by New Year's.
4) When I get to the point where I miss my AH, I'm going to clean house. My kids' friends come over often these days and I want to be proud of our home. If cleaning doesn't help, I'm going to try to pretend he's dead. He's not, but he may as well be to me at this point. If that doesn't work, I am going to have a friend and my sister ready to come and pick me and the kids up and supervise me if need be. Left to my own devices, well....we see what's happened.
5) If I can't get to an Alanon meeting, I am, at the very least, going to read literature daily.
I don't care what it takes, I have to let this be the end. NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. My AH still thinks he can say and do whatever the hell he wants to me and I will NOT accept it. I won't. I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
I am getting off the roller coaster....once and for all. I DO have a choice. It's okay for me to hurt next month....and I know it will come and I will deal with it differently. While I may not have a crystal ball, I can pretty much tell ya what's gonna happen if I go back.
This little corner of the internet is full of such amazing people and I'm learning...slowly but surely.
I keep going back. Banging my head on a brick wall would be more effective I believe.
I'm fine for 4-5 weeks without AH these days. And then I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't see him.
This time, and I'm documenting here, I am NOT going back.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
MY KIDS DON'T NEED HIM.
Certainly not as he is...
I'm setting some short-term goals for myself....
1) I meet with my case manager at the DV center on Monday. I am turning in the paperwork for legal aid to assist with my divorce. Because there has been domestic violence, the income limit is higher and I qualify. I don't know how long it will take from that point, but it's Step 1.
2) I am going to be the best mom I can be to my two kiddos. My D12 already hates me for allowing her father in and out of my life. I don't know how much I can do to salvage a relationship with her but I can try. My S8 is very much a momma's boy yet.
3) I'm going to walk 4 times per week, attempt to start eating healthier and lose 10 lbs by New Year's.
4) When I get to the point where I miss my AH, I'm going to clean house. My kids' friends come over often these days and I want to be proud of our home. If cleaning doesn't help, I'm going to try to pretend he's dead. He's not, but he may as well be to me at this point. If that doesn't work, I am going to have a friend and my sister ready to come and pick me and the kids up and supervise me if need be. Left to my own devices, well....we see what's happened.
5) If I can't get to an Alanon meeting, I am, at the very least, going to read literature daily.
I don't care what it takes, I have to let this be the end. NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. My AH still thinks he can say and do whatever the hell he wants to me and I will NOT accept it. I won't. I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
I am getting off the roller coaster....once and for all. I DO have a choice. It's okay for me to hurt next month....and I know it will come and I will deal with it differently. While I may not have a crystal ball, I can pretty much tell ya what's gonna happen if I go back.
This little corner of the internet is full of such amazing people and I'm learning...slowly but surely.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
If you are not journaling, this might be a good time to start. Document what has happened during your relationship with him. Talk about your feelings about what he does to you and how you feel today about this last try. How this relationship is affecting the kids and how you don't want to loose what you have with them and you don't want them to grow up thinking this is how life is. Keep writing and when you start feeling like you need him back in your life. Read it and feel what you felt, remined your self just how bad it was and how good it is now.
I have looked back at my journal and am amazied at all the anger and pain I was in a year ago and how today, I write about mostly happy or in general stuff. I am not ranting with a crazy scribble.
Make it a point to write every day and be honest with your self. If you feel like you are so alone and wish he would straiten up and be with you then write that, but be honest about everything.
If you can't give him up for you, do it for the kids. I know what it's like to live in a crazy home and it messed me up bad.
If all else fails...... have a talk with your self. I do it and it seems to help. Just get a cup of coffee and talk out loud.
You can do this, I have faith in you. You are a gift from God and you deserve to have someone who will love you in a good way. You deserve serenety.
Hugs
D
I have looked back at my journal and am amazied at all the anger and pain I was in a year ago and how today, I write about mostly happy or in general stuff. I am not ranting with a crazy scribble.
Make it a point to write every day and be honest with your self. If you feel like you are so alone and wish he would straiten up and be with you then write that, but be honest about everything.
If you can't give him up for you, do it for the kids. I know what it's like to live in a crazy home and it messed me up bad.
If all else fails...... have a talk with your self. I do it and it seems to help. Just get a cup of coffee and talk out loud.
You can do this, I have faith in you. You are a gift from God and you deserve to have someone who will love you in a good way. You deserve serenety.
Hugs
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
stick with it and you'll make it, i recently got off the roller coaster ride myself, its a much better place
its so d*mn easy to fall back into our old patterns, sometimes i wonder whos sicker us "codies" or the alcoholics
im rooting for you!!
its so d*mn easy to fall back into our old patterns, sometimes i wonder whos sicker us "codies" or the alcoholics
im rooting for you!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think that's a fine plan! I had a similar plan for staying away from my AB. One thing my plan also included was to focus on taking care of myself. I tend to deny myself nearly every pleasure in life--a nice haircut, a day off from work and the kids, new clothes, cuddling up with a good book, spending time with friends--you get the picture. So I've been focusing on putting myself first. I find that when I inevitably slip back into my old, familiar behavior pattern of putting myself last, that's the time when I was most susceptible to have a relapse.
For me, taking care of myself on a daily basis, putting myself first, ending all contact with my AB, posting daily on SR, and attending Alanon were the keys to avoiding a relapse.
You CAN do this. I'm rooting for you, too.
For me, taking care of myself on a daily basis, putting myself first, ending all contact with my AB, posting daily on SR, and attending Alanon were the keys to avoiding a relapse.
You CAN do this. I'm rooting for you, too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey sunflowerintx, good for you! Be strong, for yourself and your kids! They need you, and YOU need you! The AH doesn't need any more.
I just wanted to say: give your daughter time. That's a rough age to have a severed relationship with either parent. Once stability can be restored (i.e. mom is solid and without dad) and she can TRUST that things are settled down, she'll be able to move past her frustration. I bet she's feeling pretty powerless right now and unable to explain what she needs from you.
I don't know how much it compares, but when I was a teenager I remembering blaming my codie mom A LOT for my AF's behavior. I saw her inability to control dad as her fault (if codie mom could yell at us, why couldn't she yell at him?). There was always a lot of tension in the house when both were home. And when my AF wasn't home, my mom usually took her anger at him out on us (which she has admitted and apologized for). We also had no personal relationship between us (quality mom-daughter time wasn't a priority). When I moved out, I thought we'd never have any kind of relationship.
But really, my mom just didn't have the tools to know HOW to maintain a relationship with a daughter (with anyone really, she was raised in an isolated sort of way). So we did learn together and are much closer now.
Just saying, hang in there for your daughter. Make her a priority so that she KNOWS she's an important part of your life. I know I'd be in a darker place if I didn't have one parent to have faith in - it really means a lot. Good luck!
I just wanted to say: give your daughter time. That's a rough age to have a severed relationship with either parent. Once stability can be restored (i.e. mom is solid and without dad) and she can TRUST that things are settled down, she'll be able to move past her frustration. I bet she's feeling pretty powerless right now and unable to explain what she needs from you.
I don't know how much it compares, but when I was a teenager I remembering blaming my codie mom A LOT for my AF's behavior. I saw her inability to control dad as her fault (if codie mom could yell at us, why couldn't she yell at him?). There was always a lot of tension in the house when both were home. And when my AF wasn't home, my mom usually took her anger at him out on us (which she has admitted and apologized for). We also had no personal relationship between us (quality mom-daughter time wasn't a priority). When I moved out, I thought we'd never have any kind of relationship.
But really, my mom just didn't have the tools to know HOW to maintain a relationship with a daughter (with anyone really, she was raised in an isolated sort of way). So we did learn together and are much closer now.
Just saying, hang in there for your daughter. Make her a priority so that she KNOWS she's an important part of your life. I know I'd be in a darker place if I didn't have one parent to have faith in - it really means a lot. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by sunflowerintx 
I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I actually wrote myself sticky notes to remind me of my resolve and my plans so when my A started up with his promises and his crazy making, I could remember what I wanted.
I put the notes on my bathroom mirror, next to the phone, the computer and the front door.
They served their purpose. I was able to take a minute and check in with myself before I spoke to him or responded to something.
Good luck. One day at a time is all you need to worry about.
I put the notes on my bathroom mirror, next to the phone, the computer and the front door.
They served their purpose. I was able to take a minute and check in with myself before I spoke to him or responded to something.
Good luck. One day at a time is all you need to worry about.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Journals are great. You get to vent on paper, tell it as it is for you at that time, and later if you start to weaken, they are reminders of how miserable life was living with addiction ruling your home.
Take it one day at a time and I wish you all the best.
God bless
Take it one day at a time and I wish you all the best.
God bless
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
There are so many good responses here already. I can understand how you feel, and I couldn't agree more about the journaling, as a reminder to why you left in the first place. I started one on Sunday night, and once I got going on all the bad stuff, I couldn't stop. I think some of the stuff I literally blocked out of my mind, or tried to, as a way to cope. But after writing about that stuff again, it helped me re-focus and feel angry, rather than just sad and missing him.
My exabf's ex-wife actually suggested 2 journals. The 2nd journal would be good stuff about me....stuff I did to try and salvage the relationship, my good qualities.....I haven't started that one yet but that is soon to come.
Hang in there, you can do this! WE can do this!
:ghug3
My exabf's ex-wife actually suggested 2 journals. The 2nd journal would be good stuff about me....stuff I did to try and salvage the relationship, my good qualities.....I haven't started that one yet but that is soon to come.
Hang in there, you can do this! WE can do this!
:ghug3
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi!
FYI--If you are unable to attend meetings...Al Anon has what they call the Lone Member Services. I hear it is invaluable for those who can't attend meetings.
One day at a time and easy does it. You don't have to accomplish everything in one day, so be gentle. RE your daughter's relationship...I grew up having absolutely no respect for my mother because of her toxic relationship with my father and with other men after him. With time, recovery, and healing, my mother and I are the best of friends, and an integral part of my life. Despite the fact that she can be a flaky codie like myself, I have learned to forgive, forget, and rebuild through recovery and therapy.
Perhaps Al Alateen will help immensely for your children. Hugs!
FYI--If you are unable to attend meetings...Al Anon has what they call the Lone Member Services. I hear it is invaluable for those who can't attend meetings.
One day at a time and easy does it. You don't have to accomplish everything in one day, so be gentle. RE your daughter's relationship...I grew up having absolutely no respect for my mother because of her toxic relationship with my father and with other men after him. With time, recovery, and healing, my mother and I are the best of friends, and an integral part of my life. Despite the fact that she can be a flaky codie like myself, I have learned to forgive, forget, and rebuild through recovery and therapy.
Perhaps Al Alateen will help immensely for your children. Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I thought I'd get off easy....if I could just stay strong and not contact him...
Lo and behold, I heard from AH last night. He called, drunk, while I was shopping for a blouse and shoes for a job interview. (Good vibes and prayers appreciated! I have a 2nd interview coming up.)
Round and round we went. Nothing was resolved and I finally just said "the kids and I are at Taco Bell...if you want to talk, I'll be available in an hour or so."
Why am I talking to him when I know he's drunk? I can actually answer that! Because it's better than feeling the rejection of not hearing from him at all. I've been the one running back to him. He writes me off before the door closes behind him.
He didn't call back and I am not hurt. I just assumed he passed out and went on with my night, and with my day today.
Nothing's changed....he says he misses us. I just said "well, you know what my issues are and I refuse to live with a man who thinks it's okay to yell and cuss at his wife in the middle of the grocery store....and I am disgusted when you are drunk. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I won't."
Accountability right? It's all here.
Lo and behold, I heard from AH last night. He called, drunk, while I was shopping for a blouse and shoes for a job interview. (Good vibes and prayers appreciated! I have a 2nd interview coming up.)
Round and round we went. Nothing was resolved and I finally just said "the kids and I are at Taco Bell...if you want to talk, I'll be available in an hour or so."
Why am I talking to him when I know he's drunk? I can actually answer that! Because it's better than feeling the rejection of not hearing from him at all. I've been the one running back to him. He writes me off before the door closes behind him.
He didn't call back and I am not hurt. I just assumed he passed out and went on with my night, and with my day today.
Nothing's changed....he says he misses us. I just said "well, you know what my issues are and I refuse to live with a man who thinks it's okay to yell and cuss at his wife in the middle of the grocery store....and I am disgusted when you are drunk. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I won't."
Accountability right? It's all here.
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