my story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1
my story
hello. my mother was an alcoholic and died when i was 17. i'm 27 now, i don't have a drinking problem, but i can't help notice that i view life differently than most people. my mother was not physically abusive, but she liked to contort the truth and turn everyone against each other. i know a lot of people have had it worse than i have, and honestly i cannot recall really what was so bad about the past events. but i know that i'm effected by what happened. i judge myself so harshly that i almost cannot stand myself. i attempted suicide when i was 16 and realized that it wasn't the answer. i usually keep myself in isolation, my friends call me and sometimes i don't even answer the phone or call them back for weeks, which to them appears that i am ignoring them, which i guess i am. in social events like parties, i am usually really quiet and sit back and observe. its hard for me to find anything in life that i want, there is nothing that seems interesting to me or fun, i have no motivation to do anything with myself. i feel as if there is no hope for humanity, and at times, i hate people as a whole. i'm not an angry person nor do i have any ill feelings towards anyone. i try to find any escape from life i.e. video games, books, TV, anything that takes me out of this world that i don't find interesting. i am depressed and feel comfortable in it. i want to feel differently about life and myself, but its hard to break the mold and leave my security blanket. i think my father views me as lazy, and i suppose i am, but its more than that. how can i change this when, in a way, i don't want to?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Have you read the sticky about the 13 characteristics of ACoAs? We're exceptional at judging ourselves more harshly than anyone we know - even people who treat us badly! I hope since you've found this site that you've been doing some reading.
Normally I'd recommend getting regular exercise, finding hobbies, etc. for a life change. But for you it sounds like a lot of change needs to start within. And it can be hard to change when there's no way of knowing what that change would really look like for you. Your life-outlook barometer may need a little fine-tuning (we've all needed it). These heavy disconnected feelings can be like a heavy bag of groceries you're dragging around. Stopping to re-pack and take a breath can really help to lighten the load and even help you find some of the happier feelings you're also entitled to.
To be honest, I couldn't re-pack my emotional baggage without a year of therapy. I started seeing a counsellor for an unrelated issue (an as*hole boyfriend who had cheated on me, then passive-aggressively dragged out the breakup - I couldn't figure out why I deserved this treatment). I was really lucky with an excellent counsellor, who knew how to guide me right away. I have an alcoholic father who I've always been trying to "fix", and I was playing it all out again with this boyfriend by trying to "fix" broken relationship. I just couldn't handle another failure like that. I've been overwhelmed with how talking about the effect my father's drinking has had on me. I never really even realized how much it had been bothering me.
Now I realize that my situation may not mirror yours all that much. What I am trying to say is that this heavy weight holding you down, sapping your ambition, is coming from somewhere. I wish it could be easy to find it and just remove it. But it can be a long process, to which you've taken the first few steps.
If you're determined to find a real way out of this depressing gloom and adverse to seeing a counsellor, start with reading the "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" (probably at the library). I think it will help you find perspective... and even validation. Don't interpret this as stop posting. Keep posting, and keep reading other people's posts. But do read this book if you get the chance. It may not all apply, but it's the best resource by far for many ACoAs to get started.
Normally I'd recommend getting regular exercise, finding hobbies, etc. for a life change. But for you it sounds like a lot of change needs to start within. And it can be hard to change when there's no way of knowing what that change would really look like for you. Your life-outlook barometer may need a little fine-tuning (we've all needed it). These heavy disconnected feelings can be like a heavy bag of groceries you're dragging around. Stopping to re-pack and take a breath can really help to lighten the load and even help you find some of the happier feelings you're also entitled to.
To be honest, I couldn't re-pack my emotional baggage without a year of therapy. I started seeing a counsellor for an unrelated issue (an as*hole boyfriend who had cheated on me, then passive-aggressively dragged out the breakup - I couldn't figure out why I deserved this treatment). I was really lucky with an excellent counsellor, who knew how to guide me right away. I have an alcoholic father who I've always been trying to "fix", and I was playing it all out again with this boyfriend by trying to "fix" broken relationship. I just couldn't handle another failure like that. I've been overwhelmed with how talking about the effect my father's drinking has had on me. I never really even realized how much it had been bothering me.
Now I realize that my situation may not mirror yours all that much. What I am trying to say is that this heavy weight holding you down, sapping your ambition, is coming from somewhere. I wish it could be easy to find it and just remove it. But it can be a long process, to which you've taken the first few steps.
If you're determined to find a real way out of this depressing gloom and adverse to seeing a counsellor, start with reading the "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" (probably at the library). I think it will help you find perspective... and even validation. Don't interpret this as stop posting. Keep posting, and keep reading other people's posts. But do read this book if you get the chance. It may not all apply, but it's the best resource by far for many ACoAs to get started.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Apathy808,
You are
By - no - means
alone.
Your mother's drinking and behavior was beyond your control. And your father's attitude is also not your fault. You do have control over yourself.
You have posted here. You have reached out for help. It means you really want to change. That is a big step. REALLY BIG.
Another recommended reading is the 12-steps of Al-anon. Though the steps were first intended for alcoholics, they apply very very well to those who grew up with addiction. The first few steps emphasize how alcoholism's effects on you, as a child of an alcoholic, have gone out of your control and only a HP (as you define it) can bring progress. And talking, posting, going to meetings also bring progress. In fact, many non-religious people in Al-anon see their fellows (online, in meetings, as a worldwide community) as their HP.
So post, read, go to a meeting.
I had an alcoholic mother and father. My mother died when I was 18 in a car accident that likely occurred after she blacked out from alcohol-related health problems. I nearly flunked out of college in the next year as it all
just-didn't-seem-to-matter anymore.
I did not outwardly grieve or think lots of sad thoughts about my mother, but the death just sank in and deadened me. I really wish I had gone for counseling, which was free for students.
You can make progress and it seems you want to. You made it here.
As for motivation, I always like the idea that the thing you want to do in life, or maybe just this month, is not an overarching need or desire (like tv, video games, more money, that job promotion, a boy/girl friend) but some interest that whispers persistently in the background. For me is is being a nature advocate, a tree hugger, enviro-extremist, whatever. As a little kid, I remember watching anti-nuclear plant protests on TV and thinking 'that's great' as my dad made disparaging remarks about 'stupid hippies'.
So welcome, apathy808. And keep posting.
You are
By - no - means
alone.
Your mother's drinking and behavior was beyond your control. And your father's attitude is also not your fault. You do have control over yourself.
You have posted here. You have reached out for help. It means you really want to change. That is a big step. REALLY BIG.
Another recommended reading is the 12-steps of Al-anon. Though the steps were first intended for alcoholics, they apply very very well to those who grew up with addiction. The first few steps emphasize how alcoholism's effects on you, as a child of an alcoholic, have gone out of your control and only a HP (as you define it) can bring progress. And talking, posting, going to meetings also bring progress. In fact, many non-religious people in Al-anon see their fellows (online, in meetings, as a worldwide community) as their HP.
So post, read, go to a meeting.
I had an alcoholic mother and father. My mother died when I was 18 in a car accident that likely occurred after she blacked out from alcohol-related health problems. I nearly flunked out of college in the next year as it all
just-didn't-seem-to-matter anymore.
I did not outwardly grieve or think lots of sad thoughts about my mother, but the death just sank in and deadened me. I really wish I had gone for counseling, which was free for students.
You can make progress and it seems you want to. You made it here.
As for motivation, I always like the idea that the thing you want to do in life, or maybe just this month, is not an overarching need or desire (like tv, video games, more money, that job promotion, a boy/girl friend) but some interest that whispers persistently in the background. For me is is being a nature advocate, a tree hugger, enviro-extremist, whatever. As a little kid, I remember watching anti-nuclear plant protests on TV and thinking 'that's great' as my dad made disparaging remarks about 'stupid hippies'.
So welcome, apathy808. And keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
In shambhala, we call that our little cocoon of habitual thoughts and patterns. It's comfortable and warm and safe and stinks only of us, and so we stay there.
I was you when I was 27. Lots of trauma growing up had reduced me to someone who sought only "lack-of-pain". Nothing made me happy. Nothing excited me. I wasn't quite dead inside, but was more of a zombie, going through the motions of life without taking any real pleasure in it.
I don't know how you got to that place, but I'll tell you how I did: I had never really had exposure to anyone who was truly happy. I had no one to model that behavior. I didn't know what it looked like, felt like to be truly happy, let alone realize that it was possible to really be shot through with happiness, electric with passion, love getting out of bed every morning. I thought the latter was ridiculous bullsh**.
So, couple that with the safety factor, taught to me by my beloved parents, where it was much safer just to stick with myself and keep my head down, and you had someone who was just as numb as could be. I even did that thing where I didn't return calls. Just like you.
And, like you, I didn't even think I wanted to change it. That's the nature of the monster: when you're in it, you feel like it's the only way you'd ever want to be.
I don't remember exactly what circumstances finally snapped my eyes open to the fact that life could be so much more fun than just this exercise of plodding through time. But things happened, people crossed my path, that made me want more (it manifested as jealousy, as I recall). And so I thought I might try a few things, change some stuff up, see how THAT felt. I went through some counseling, then worked with a life coach. I started making little deals with myself like: since friends/family were important, I wouldn't let a call go unanswered for more than 48 hours.
And I'd write in a journal, try to capture what I was feeling. Julia Cameron's Artist's Way (the morning pages part) was huge for me.
When I came to life, it was like being unthawed. It was like that scene in Wizard of Oz where it goes from black and white to color. It was amazing, scary, full of possibility.
If you ever get the desire to have more, be more, or love your 60-odd years you have left rather than just X'ing off the dates on the calendar, you'll know it. At that point there are lots of small, low-commitment steps you can take to change things up and see how you like it. This place you're in is a gift from your parents.....you can throw that gift away at any time and make a life that suits you.
Good luck, apathy!
I was you when I was 27. Lots of trauma growing up had reduced me to someone who sought only "lack-of-pain". Nothing made me happy. Nothing excited me. I wasn't quite dead inside, but was more of a zombie, going through the motions of life without taking any real pleasure in it.
I don't know how you got to that place, but I'll tell you how I did: I had never really had exposure to anyone who was truly happy. I had no one to model that behavior. I didn't know what it looked like, felt like to be truly happy, let alone realize that it was possible to really be shot through with happiness, electric with passion, love getting out of bed every morning. I thought the latter was ridiculous bullsh**.
So, couple that with the safety factor, taught to me by my beloved parents, where it was much safer just to stick with myself and keep my head down, and you had someone who was just as numb as could be. I even did that thing where I didn't return calls. Just like you.
And, like you, I didn't even think I wanted to change it. That's the nature of the monster: when you're in it, you feel like it's the only way you'd ever want to be.
I don't remember exactly what circumstances finally snapped my eyes open to the fact that life could be so much more fun than just this exercise of plodding through time. But things happened, people crossed my path, that made me want more (it manifested as jealousy, as I recall). And so I thought I might try a few things, change some stuff up, see how THAT felt. I went through some counseling, then worked with a life coach. I started making little deals with myself like: since friends/family were important, I wouldn't let a call go unanswered for more than 48 hours.
And I'd write in a journal, try to capture what I was feeling. Julia Cameron's Artist's Way (the morning pages part) was huge for me.
When I came to life, it was like being unthawed. It was like that scene in Wizard of Oz where it goes from black and white to color. It was amazing, scary, full of possibility.
If you ever get the desire to have more, be more, or love your 60-odd years you have left rather than just X'ing off the dates on the calendar, you'll know it. At that point there are lots of small, low-commitment steps you can take to change things up and see how you like it. This place you're in is a gift from your parents.....you can throw that gift away at any time and make a life that suits you.
Good luck, apathy!
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