Aysha

I have thought this before.
But I just watched the drug years special on tv. And it was talking about how people were using drugs not to hide pain but to enhance life.
I know thats where I fall. I didnt have any issues when I started using.
I developed quite a few as my addiction progressed.
But initially I used to make it more fun.
So with all my posts on being miserable and such.
I thought I was feeling negative feelings I was trying to cover up.
But really. I believe I am so use to living carefree and on the edge for excitement purposes. That now my life seems dull.
What I found to be as a great time is exactly what is going to kill me or get me locked up if I dont stop.
Alot of people that I was around used but werent having fun. They wanted their drugs and would go hide by themselves somewhere.
I dont do that. I cant and wont get high by myself if I can help it.
The whole purpose of me getting high is to hang out..have fun and enjoy. Hard to believe it is possible with crack. But it is.
I rarely holed up.
I know it doesnt matter why I used. But it explains alot as to why I feel like I do sometimes.
Just thinking out loud.

I do have fun doing normal stuff. But I havent found anything that is as exciting as adrenaline rushed as running like a maniac in the streets.
That sounds so ignorant. But thats what it is.

Horselover

I like when you think out loud Trish because we gain something from it. I was an isolator and so I can't identify, but I am sure there are many that can. Thanks!

Hevyn

I wish I had the guts to think out loud more. The fact that you're open to new ideas about your addiction & the reasons for it is huge. I'm so glad you're finding some clues to unlock the mystery, Trish.

ClimbingUP

Try rappelling off a thousand foot cliff!! That's an adrenaline rush!!!

Latte

Wow, that is something I can understand.

It took awhile for my brain to recover enough so I could start enjoying life again.

DH wondered if I was taking something when he caught me singing and dancing while I was cleaning the bathroom (the toilet really). Yep, it takes him awhile to recover too.

I was singing into the toilet brush..he thought I had lost my mind.

Horselover

Bungee jumping - that's something I have always wanted to try. Sorry if this is off topic Trish, but . . .

Aysha

Never off topic with me..
I bungee jumped when I was 16. OMG..It was awesome.
I was amped for hours.
Took a few minutes to shake the spagetti legs..but the rush was amazing.
I think really I need to connect with people more. Sober people.
I am a loner. But I dont isolate. If that makes sense.
I have always had a few close friends I would be around all the time. Now its nobody all the time.
Thats a huge factor I think.

ClimbingUP

I was in an abusive relationship once, and the highs were so high and lows were awful. I remember craving that emotional rollercoaster. I wanted to feel the excitement of being with him. But it was killing me inside. As good as he could be to me, he could also be the most hateful, spiteful person I'd ever met. It took me a while to get over wanting that craziness. I would try and make 'normal' relationships take on that edginess.

All I can say is that I am so happy that I'm at a place where I appreciate the mundane. Rollercoasters aren't for me anymore, unless they're actually at amusement parks. You can still keep the thrillseeker in you alive. I can't tell you what an adrenaline rush rock-climbing is. And so much better for you than crack!!!

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I totally understand. I think I am was an adrenaline junkie. It's why I went into the nursing areas where I could get that adrenaline rush (ER, ICU). Then I got into the crack.

It took a good while to get to where I now crave peace in my life. Don't get me wrong..I still miss the adrenaline rushes and whenever something has happened to bring them on, and I am psyched for hours.

I've also been one that likes to do something challenging, which is why I'm looking into an online course. Waiting tables just doesn't challenge me and I feel stuck....maybe you're feeling the same, too? I've found a school that is only $40/month, and am going to go for it (if my terrible credit doesn't do me in).

I missed all the action on the streets for a good time. I still read the paper in the town I used to use in. Now, I'm glad I'm not there because I just read of 2 people getting robbed at the ATM I used to use, and another guy getting killed in my old 'hood. It makes me grateful I'm not there any more.

Just remember...I've got almost 20 months clean...the feelings you're going through didn't go away overnight.

I really do understand what you're feeling, and, for me, I just had to get through the struggles of working, paying bills, staying clean until I could figure out what I wanted to do. It's taken me all this time, and getting really fed up with my job, to actually think of where I want my life to go..so be patient. I am NOT a patient person, but think of what you really want....even if there's no way you can get it right now. Keep it in the back of your mind, and eventually your mind will start thinking of ways to reach that dream.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

I also like to just sit and relax and be in the moment. I use to do that alot at the beach.
I can be quite content just being still and soaking it all in. But again..I could do that high too. Me and my friend would just sit in the backyard and chill and smoke and talk and everything was calm. I loved going by the water smoking too. Just sit and look out and smoke.
I know I got high to enhance life.
I can still do things without being high. but the main factor is...No people.
As much as I love the hustle..I loved the down time too.
But getting high was just a natural part of it all for so long.
Like today..I am very very calm and super content. I am looking at my cat just laying on my bed purring. Thats how I feel. Just nice.
And with nothing making me fel this way. Except music.
Music is like a drug to me too. And I have been feeling music in a big way the past couple days.
Its like it is beating through my whole soul.
Today is a great day.
If it could be like this MOST of the time. ANd not sometimes. I would be great.
I understand lif eis life. But I wonder how I can get this natural calm wonderful high like today all the time.
Guess I'll never know. Because when I get like I am today. Which is indescribable. It just happens.
I am enjoying every moment of it. I know that.

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I'm so glad you're having a good day. I've learned a lot from my cats....the simplest things make them happy. When I've gotten all stressed out from work, lately, the only thing I want to do is get home, get on SR, and snuggle with my cats

Enjoy your day, and maybe make a list of all that is making you happy, right now. Then, when you have a not-so-good-day, read back over that list.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

adore79

Yeah I hear ya Trish. There is this forest where I have gone on walks in since I was a kid. It is always so peaceful and quiet, and I get this great peaceful feeling walking through it, probably how you feel at the beach. Everytime I go there I just want that quiet and peace to fill my soul and never leave, if that could happen I would always be happy. Of course I've never been able to capture that feeling, it usually leaves once I leave the woods. Being able to just sit and "be" is a great thing, if you are capable of it.

Aysha

Yea..I really like even just goin out on my deck and listening to my surroundings and just sit. And nothing is bangin around in my mind. Just nice calm peaceful relaxation.
The ocean always did that for me.
When I was a teenager..I would go outside at night and just look up in the sky and stare at the stars for the longest and egt the same feeling. Then I would start trying to comprehend how far space goes and that just gave me a headache..LOL.
But I love those moments. But they are few and far between anymore.
I need to slow down. It seems I am always rushing to do nothing.
I need to just let things take their course. And really really just stay in the moment.
I am going to start making a point to do this throughout my days.
Maybe it will just become habit after awhile.
I like slow too.
Nice post Tracee... I know I would miss alot..Even just not being here in NY. I dont like it here. But this is where my family is. And there are upsides. I know I would miss alot if I ever left here.
But ultimately. I will end up back in Florida someday. I just cant get over the paradise of where I grew up.

least

Funny thing about me getting sober - I"m much more likely to "run like a maniac in the street" sober! While drinking I never wanted to 'do' anything, except maybe to drink more. Now that I'm sober I can enjoy the 'mania' part of my manic depression! I clean house like mad while manic. Can't walk the dogs that way tho, they can't walk that fast.

I've never been much for stimulants, always liked the 'slowed down' feeling of downers, including alcohol. When I was a teen I tried speed several times but my friends never knew cause I was always hyper naturally. So had no need to add spice or excitement or to 'speed up' my life.

I can understand it tho, and I'm glad you understand your reasons for getting high. It helps to stop doing it if we know WHY we do it in the first place.

Keep speaking your thoughts! I always learn something from them!

:ghug3

Celebration1994

That hit so close to home for me. That was what my sponsor told me in early recovery, because I like to isolate (still do). She also told me I shouldn't pick and choose who to be friends with, to be a friend to everyone (that was very scary) that had sobriety, and have no expectations. Just trust my HP to pick them. That was very hard for me to do, somedays it still is. I also had to learn to give people my phone number and tell them..it would be great to hear from you. She had me go to sober functions, hang out after meetings etc. All this was the most uncomfortable things for me to do, but I took baby steps and eventually realized that it was okay. Some days I still find it hard to make new friend, but I try.

You are a very brave woman to talk about it....that is a beginning