Is It Just Me?

Old 11-02-2008, 05:03 AM
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Is It Just Me?

Or as we get farther in our recovery do we have a lower BS bar for all alcoholics in our life? My AH is usually my biggest problem or the one I want to get away from. But I also have an AM. Usually we get along because I don't live with her.

I don't have huge issues with her she didn't start until I was just about out of the house. I have bigger problems with my dad who is very controlling, abusive, ect... But lately I've been avoiding my mother. She tends to believe she's the families moral center and while I'm a Christian I believe I can pray without her telling me how I'm doing it wrong. (My way of saying she is nit picky with me)

I don't know if she's acting out with me because my MS has been in a flare so my symptoms are worse (this usually goes away in a few months) and she's having a hard time with me being sick or what. Anyway, sorry that I ramble, I needed to vent.

Back to my question; since working on me I find more and more that I just don't like putting up with unacceptable behavior even from the people I use to let it slide more often. Is this part of recovery? Or am I just being over sensitive? I don't think wanting some distance from this is a bad thing, like not talking to her as much, but I wanted to hear from some of you. Or is this me just not wanting to deal with things? I hate confrontation!

Thanks...
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Old 11-02-2008, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by brundle View Post
Back to my question; since working on me I find more and more that I just don't like putting up with unacceptable behavior even from the people I use to let it slide more often. Is this part of recovery? Or am I just being over sensitive? I don't think wanting some distance from this is a bad thing, like not talking to her as much, but I wanted to hear from some of you. Or is this me just not wanting to deal with things? I hate confrontation!
I, too, dislike confrontation. The truth is, I don't know anyone who really relishes a big, uncomfortable conversation with someone they care about.

Today, my unacceptable behavior meter has a pretty low threshold - I feel like I can detect the stuff from across the room.
If someone consistently tries to manipulate me
or lie to me
or tell me how to run my business,
I can choose to confront them about the behaviors that I find unsettling, or I can opt to decrease their involvement in my life.

For me, recovery hasn't changed the way that I feel about confrontations entirely - I still strongly dislike them. It has changed what I'm willing to put up with, what I'm willing to silently suffer through. It has lead me to weigh the pain caused by "putting up with it" against the pain of "speaking up about it."

I more frequently speak up these days.
If you aren't able to manage that quite yet, just be gentle with yourself. There's nothing wrong with taking a little time out from the relationship that's causing you difficulty.

Best of luck, and lots of strength to you!
-TC
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Old 11-02-2008, 05:52 AM
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I don't mind confrontation at all but when I am tired of people I do step back and they respect it. Unless they are going to come and stand outside my front door (which they're not) then they have to leave me be.
The one thing I've learned is to keep the negative or toxic people away from me. If my friends are having bad days they usually tell me, thank goodness.
You can't change moms so it is best to step back for a while. You don't need to explain to her but if you want to just tell her "you need your space for a while" and be prepared for her to hold that against you as any nutty mom would do. lol
Take time for you. You are worth it. Good luck
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Old 11-02-2008, 06:48 AM
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That was growth for me when I was becoming unwilling to put up with inappropriate behavior/attitudes, regardless of who it was.

My mother, the untreated codependent, perpetually stuck in martyr mode, hasn't spoken to me for two months now, and personally, it's a relief on my end.
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Old 11-02-2008, 07:03 AM
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This is one of my favorite stories of all times for exactly this situation.


The Wild Horse

In the olden days, people used to go to the markets in town to buy, sell and trade - everyone would go on market day. One day in particular, as people were making their way down to the market on one of the narrow streets leading into the large open area where the bazaar was, a crowd began to gather in the small street.

The crowd was all stopping at a point near the entrance to the bazaar, many small groups discussing among themselves what they should do. Someone had tied a horse in the narrow street, but the horse was not quite tame. It was wild and not used to being around so many people. As the crowds gathered, the horse became more restless and it did not seem safe at all to pass, or to approach the horse in the narrow street.

When people tried to go behind the horse, it would kick them, and when they tried to go around front, it would bite them.

The people were standing about discussing the problem - one man said "We should shoot the horse!", another said "If I had a long rope I'm sure I could throw it over that building...", while yet another man was saying how he thought he could subdue the animal if only he had a forked stick from a green willow tree.

Just then the crowd suddenly noticed an old man approaching down the narrow street. He was someone who was respected in the community for his wisdom. Surely, they all said he would know what to do. So the crowd parted slightly, and the old man walked to a safe distance from the wild horse to see what the problem was. The people then asked him what they all should do.

The old man said nothing, but turned and walked down another street into the bazaar.
For me, I can't "win" an argument with a "crazy person" and practicing alcoholics are quite literally "insane", especially my family members, that's why alcoholics have this thing called step two, and have to be "restored to sanity" by working the remaining 10 steps.

Now, for me, when I "engage" with a crazy person, I am "engaging" with their insanity, and I quite literally go a little crazy.

I was at a meeting last night, and after the meeting I was talking to some friends, and I noticed an old sponsee lurking in the shadows at the fringe of the conversation, I said hello and he literally launched into a omfgimsof'duppleasehelpmeI'mgoingcrazyhelpmehelpme monologue.

So we start talking (translation: Andrew listens to a monologue, which by looking at he length of even this "short" reply you have to admit is miraculous) and it's an absolute "God Moment"...he's going through the exact same thing I have been going through, although it's "clothes", "stories" and "trappings" are different, it's exactly the same story.

All of the sudden everything everybody has been telling me for the last few months, everything I have been reading here, hell, the last year absolutely fall into place, they make perfect sense, everything suddenly made perfect sense.

Because the situation wasn't me, and the issues were male/male platonic friendship issues rather then male/female relationship issues and family of origin issues, the differences were just enough so I could truly "hear" what was being told to me without attaching, but the dynamic was exactly the same.

All of the sudden, I opened my mouth, and all the words of wisdom and love I have been receiving over the last months came out of my mouth and the message basically was:

"You need to walk away from this person, not because he is 'bad' or 'evil' but because he, like you, is sick, and he, the way the two of you interact, is harmful to you. You need to be able to forgive him, and forgive yourself, and walk away without anger, without blame, you need to walk away with love, embracing him in your heart as you do so."

I walked away with a lighter step then I have had in a long time, because, by working the program and remaining open and available to "be of service" I was placed in a situation to help someone else, while I received 10x the "healing" he did, guaranteed. (I even gave him some homework assignments that had been given me and I found helpful, he literally ran to his car with a huge smile on his face, he was all excited to run home and do his "homework", he's a guy, we like tools and we think the amount of work is > or = the recovery we get hehe I was just just smiling to myself and giggling as he literally ran to his car to write down his "assignments" before he forgot them, a grown man, 45 years old, practically "skipping" in the parking lot...made me smile)

Anyway, sorry for the long story, but in the last two months I've had to walk away and sever contact with: my mother, my sister, my uncle and the woman who I loved, who I ended up breaking up with and walking away from basically right after she lost our baby, along with losing contact with her daughter, who was the closest thing I think I will ever have to a daughter or child, so I have been absolutely heartbroken.

I did all these things for what I consider healthy reasons, but something broke inside me finally, just snapped....maybe it was my heart, maybe it was my denial, maybe it was the last vestiges of the alcoholic family system I have "lived inside" my whole life finally shattering...I don't know, only time will tell.

So, for me, I choose to "go down another street" today when I see a "wild horse", I'm not qualified to deal with "untreated alcoholism" in those I love today without "getting ill", maybe someday I will, although my experience says otherwise, arms length, 2-3 times a year for 2-3 hours maybe...untreated alcoholism in those I love is a concentrate, in that a little goes a long way, so small doses from a distance is best for me and walking away from mental illness in those I love is the only healthy choice for me today.
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Old 11-02-2008, 12:08 PM
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Brundle, In my case the bs bar has lowered for everyone. I used to put up with bad behavior from my spouse, my kids, my work.....

I have to learn to take care of me.

I loved the wild horse story from Ago. It summs it up for me.
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Old 11-02-2008, 12:16 PM
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I think my bs bar is just the same as it always was, it's the way I deal with it that's different.
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Old 11-02-2008, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by brundle View Post
Or as we get farther in our recovery do we have a lower BS bar for all alcoholics in our life?

Back to my question; since working on me I find more and more that I just don't like putting up with unacceptable behavior even from the people I use to let it slide more often. Is this part of recovery? Or am I just being over sensitive? I don't think wanting some distance from this is a bad thing, like not talking to her as much, but I wanted to hear from some of you. Or is this me just not wanting to deal with things? I hate confrontation!

Thanks...
This is true for me as well, and I don't think you're being overly sensative. I think more AWARE is what I am these days.

Heck, until I was in Alanon for about a year, I had buried the acoholic step dad I was subjected to from age 12 to 16 or so. My god....that was abosolutely crazy chaos. Made my usually together mom crazier than a sh!thouse rat. Must have had SOME impact on me! Duh.

Any way for me the realization of just how many A's I grew up around is sometimes starteling. My Grandpa...who by the way I loved most as a kid was probably an A. I always thought my Gma was a little neurotic, but as I trudge this path, the more I learn etc., I'm pretty sure it was the Acoholic/codie dance going on between them. I'll never know...anybody I could ask is already dead.

Gramps used to take me w/him to the beer joint all day on Saturdays and I'd hang with him and all the old farts. I'd go out back and sit on the fence around the hog pen, on the way to the "outhouse", and old drunks would warn me not to fall into the pen "'cause the hogs'll eat you". And they probably would have. Them 500lbs+;me 40lbs 5yo. :wtf2

Hogs :1
Coyote :0

Ha! Ah.....good times!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug2
Coyote
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Old 11-02-2008, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
That was growth for me when I was becoming unwilling to put up with inappropriate behavior/attitudes, regardless of who it was.

My mother, the untreated codependent, perpetually stuck in martyr mode, hasn't spoken to me for two months now, and personally, it's a relief on my end.
We must have the same mom!!:sorry
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Old 11-02-2008, 07:20 PM
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When I had a bit of time working the steps and going to meetings, I found myself reevaluating and reexamining nearly every relationship I had. I made a decision to distance myself from those people who were toxic, or those with whom the relationship was toxic. I distanced myself for awhile, and I slowly went back to some relationships, while others I let die. Many of my relationships changed as I brought new tools and new insight into the mix.

I can understand my mom, now, much better than I could before. I realize she's doing the best she can. I have to work constantly at allowing her to say what she says and MY not taking it personally. Although she's not the A in my life, she most likely grew up in an alcoholic home and she bears some of that skewed thinking as a result.

Good question, Brundle!
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Old 11-02-2008, 07:40 PM
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Mine is different.

My kids get away with a lot less these days. I can spot the sneaky sneaky a mile away.
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