little6

Hi,
Just wondering if it is indeed common for alcoholics early in recovery to lose interest in intimacy with their partners. I am trying to be supportive as my partner of a year and a half is really taking his recovery seriously (going to meetings, working the steps, etc), but he feels so distant and has little interest in me physically. It's hard to not take it personally on some level. But, he said people in AA told him it's common for this to happen. Anyone have a similar experience?

blessed4x

Just reading this made me feel sick. I have never experienced this kind of relationship with my AH......21 YEARS of marriage lonely. Our college courtship was based on partying and sex. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have that kind of closeness without having your partner expect "payment" in return. OMG, OMG, OMG.....I just had a revelation.

So sorry.....I don't intent to hijack, and unfortunately I have nothing valuable to offer you, little6. But I am sending (((hugs))) for you and your situation.

GiveLove

(((((blessed4x))))

It's normal, or at least it was in my relationship, little6. Can you guys talk about it at all, in a non-judgmental way, or is he closed off? Is it okay with you if he doesn't have a lot of desire right now? Are there other physical but non-sexual things you can do -- back rubs, etc. -- that are less heavy-duty but still keep a bond between you?

DII

In my case my AW used intimacy to measure whether I loved her, wanted her, was attracted to her etc....it pushes me AWAY not closer to her! We used to do all those things together and really had fun! But the disease....now intimacy is always clouded. It's like I can't just relax and enjoy being intimate.

jerect

I too suffer from lack of intimacy in my marriage.. It is sad and lonely but I quit taking it personally because I know that as long as my AH is drinking and drugging that there is no chance of any emotional involvement.. how can there be, my AH does not love himself and so therefore he cannot offer up any kind of intimacy to me.. It has nothing to do with me.. The only thing I can do is offer love to myself by doing things that i find joy in and things that make me feel good about who I am.

Anvil, I too read your post with saddness because I have never experianced that kind of closeness with my AH.. The lack of sex does not bother me as much as the lack of emotional unavailabilty.. however, I'm so happy for you that you and your husband share a relationship like that and I still have hope that one day I will share that with someone too.. be it my AH or with someone else..

little6

Thanks anvilhead, givelove and others. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this. Will see how things go as he gets deeper into recovery. I'm taking it as an opportunity to become more committed to my own ACOA/Alanon/ Codependent recovery. And, I'm going to find another physical outlet (not that it's all it is) because I need to anyway. Peace.

justanothrdrunk

I've been in recovery for almost 16 months and my sex drive has fallen way off.

And when I am intimate with my spouse, I've experienced some dysfunction issues as well.

We've talked about it and everything. It's just new territory for us. Not sure if it's that I'm sober now or my age (I'm only 36) or a combination of both.

It's tough too because we are trying to have another baby. I sometimes feel like sex is more work than fun.

Don't have any advice for you. Just letting you know that there are others out there in your same situation.

bklynjenna

I hear you, little6. My A has been sober for just over 90 days now (after having been in and out of AA for 10 years). It is REALLY hard not to take his shutting down personally, but Alanon really helps a lot with learning how to detach with love. (The Alanon book "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" has some great words of wisdom on this topic.)

Unfortunately, since I have had my own sexual issues in the past (childhood abuse, etc.) it is easy for him to say that our intimacy problems are my fault, even though I have really worked hard on my own issues for close to 20 years. Man, is it frustrating!!!

Anyhow, it helps to hear from everyone, and I really appreciate you bringing up a topic that many people find difficult to speak about.

denny57

welcome, bklynjenna, glad you're here!