jonbald

I have a 29 year old who is extremely introverted, stubborn, alcoholic, and manipulative. He has recently gone to a 12 step, 30 day center and has one week left. He is only on step four while the program goal is to do the first 8 by next week. He does not introduce himself as "Hi, I'm x and I'm and alcoholic" and he doesn't say the prayers. The staff tell me he isn't ready to come back home and I agree. He has no life, just a two room dark apartment, a dead end part-time job, a dog, alcohol, and a computer gaming/ internet escapism. He has nothing to come back to. I own the apartment and he hasn't been paying rent (long story and that free ride is at an end). This coming Tuesday night his mother and I go to the center to meet with him and the staff. He does not know but they are going to recommend an extended 30 days and we are going to tell him he has nowhere to come home to. If he refuses and he won't we will ask where he would like us to drop off his stuff and his dog. I am having a hard time preparing for this "tough love" and I am probably getting ulcers. I am having eating problems and high anxiety again. I quit smoking 3 weeks ago and that isn't helping me achieve any remote level of serenity. Oh well, thanks for the ramble and please say prayers for us all.

sassyserenity

Tough love is hard but the best thing you could do for him. I definately agree that he should stay at least another 30 days. I just got out of my second rehab 60 days ago...I am 43 and have been dealing with alcoholism for the last 5 years. The 3 other ladies who I shared a room with have all relapsed after the 30 day program. I seriously believe 30 days is not enough for anyone. I also think it would be great to have him live in a sober living for a month or two after treatment. I am just speaking from my own experience but the key factor is to make sure this is something he really wants or no matter what you do it is going to end in relapse. He is so young and has such a great life ahead of him. If you don't try tough love early in the game you will be dealing with his problem for years to come. I wish my family had been harder on me the first time I went to rehab...I would have had a lot more sober time under my belt and not be dealing with soooo much of my own wreckage.

TTOSBT

jon,
You are in my prayers. This truly sounds like the best idea for him. I must say though that the first 8 steps in 30 days seems pretty fast!

coffeenut

The good part is, is that he IS in rehab.

And yep, tough love is probably gonna have to keep him there. Do we ever get our kids raised?!

Hope you stick around....there is a lot of good advice at SR.

lizw

Have you checked out Al Anon in your area?
They are a 12 step fellowship for family and friends of alcoholics.

You may find them helpful.
Sure helped me.

Spiritual Seeker

You seem ready to stop enabling your son in hopes it will help. It may or may not help your son continue on the path of recovery. Hopefully it will.
Stopping enabling behaviors and detaching does help us parents.
I learned that addiction is a family disease and starting working the 12 steps myself through al-anon. There is a al-anon group just for parents that meets
in my town.

Today your son is choosing to stay at his rehab.
It is not for us to worry about what step our sons are on or how fast they work them.
My son has been at his 3rd rehab for 8 months now. This time It took him 6 months to get through step 4. He just told me that his new sponsor had him redo step 3.

My son went through a 28 day program his 1st time at rehab. He relapsed immed. because of several factors: there was no aftercare plan, 28 days was too short of a time, he wasn't ready, I let him move back home.
I wasn't in Al-anon yet so I was unable to detach.

When they are addicted often they do need help with getting to treatment.
Can you work with his rehab and put together a good plan for beyond the 1st 28 days? With a plan in place your son just might keep working at getting well.
Good luck to your family. I know how hard it is to watch a son destroy himself and his potential. I have never given up on my son but there were yrs. when I had to detach because he didn't want recovery.
Luckily things change.