mle-sober

I was reading some posts and got bounced back to the really early days of my sobriety. I have 9 months tomorrow. And I'm so grateful I no longer have that grinding constant anger that I had early on. That anger at having to quick drinking.
I don't feel angry so much any more about not getting to drink. Now I feel sort of sad, like someone I loved died.

But I still have a lot more anger in my life at external factors. I guess I was numbing it while I was drinking. I never thought of myself as an angry person!

But now I get angry so much more easily - at people not doing what I want them to do, at politics, at some stupid thing in the grocery store - for heaven's sake it's ridiculous! I'm a regular crank-o-meter!

Do others see anger rise or fall in their lives with sobriety?

Horselover

Good topic MLE and I can definitely relate. I would have to say, with me, the anger I feel is the lack of controlling situations and people. I learned a huge fault of mine is being a control freak. I didn't see it as much when I drank. I know it was there, but it wasn't as prevalent as it is now that I'm sober.

Last night we got home from son's trick or treating and I was sicker then a dog. I still am today. I couldn't speak last night and my throat felt so sore I was in tears. (Another fault - no patience for myself when I'm sick.) Any ways, its 8:15 pm and son's still up and running around. I tell husband he needs to go to bed now because his last soccer game is tomorrow and he needs some rest. Husband puts him to bed. Puppy is after cat and I am dealing with keeping that in order. FINALLY husband comes into bedroom and orders me to bed. He says to stop trying to control the world and get some rest. I at first was blown with anger, but then after laying down fell into a deep sleep and woke up still sick, but not angry. He was right. Hate that when that happens. LOL!

I do see and feel the anger MLE and I don't think its because of not drinking anymore or not being able to shall I say, but more from other issues. I am seeing the fall in anger right now, but I am too sick to feel angry today or at least, at this moment. I was very depressed that I couldn't go to son's last soccer game and I missed a couple of events at school yesterday, but he has a big birthday party on Tuesday and I want to be well for that! I have to be well by then.

Any ways, thanks again MLE! Going back to bed now. Will check back later on this thread because I find it very interesting and would love to read others' feedback too.

Anna

I had a lot of anger before I began drinking and while I was drinking. It was just something I was used to living with. When I began recovery and I was looking hard at myself, I realized that the anger I felt was all directed at myself. I was furious with myself for not standing up to my mother when I was a teenager and physically able to do so. I often raged at things outside myself, by it was me who meant to be blamed. So, I had a lot of work to do on forgiveness.

bruce24

My personal experience is that I hold back my emotions far too often and let things build up. Then the anger comes out at times when it is the least relevant and take it out on loved ones. With sobriety I'm learning to deal with emotions quickly and think before I react and ask myself.. is there any reason to be angry or upset at this person? Most of my anger is about myself and the situation I have put myself in and to take it out on anyone else is really selfish. It's a hard lesson to learn and live by.

IO Storm

Actually..

I had to look hard at myself last night. I was sharing with my sis..then..

before bed, said {another} cleansing prayer..asking for the awareness

of hidden resentments. I have been way too grumpy and self

centered lately..a warning that something is not right.

Not with others..but with me! And..sure enough..

Whooops..there it was..

Nothing here on SR..

Personal life..such as it is.

Glad I have an HP who shines the light on these areas..and helps

me to let to let go of them.

And forgive as I have been forgiven.

For if this stuff builds up..for me...it kills. My sobriety.

Thanks mle..

Wonderful thread for me to reply today.

Blessings.

adore79

Yeah I get angry a lot but the intensity of the anger is not as high as when I was drinking.

Dee74

One of the things I found in sobriety is it's *OK* to be angry.

I know that runs counter to what a lot of people believe, but it's true for me -
I drank not to feel, and to avoid conflicts - even when to do so was harmful to me.

I've always been angry. Even before I started drinking. Rightly or not, I feel I have a lot to be justifiably angry about.

To face up to conflict, and to own my feelings (and the repercussions of them especially when I'm wrong or OTT) is an important thing for me - I see it as embracing the adulthood I ran from for so long.

The trick is balance - when does being honest about how I'm feeling cross the line into indiscriminate and self indulgent anger?

To not let anger rule me is just as important as admitting it exists in the first place - and *that* bit is a work in progress LOL

D

Horselover

"The trick is balance - when does being honest about how I'm feeling cross the line into indiscriminate and self indulgent anger?"

Very well said Dee. All of it was well said, but this stuck out to me.

Done_With_It

I did in the first year or so, I was pretty emotional and didn't know how to deal with it. Now it has evened out, and it seems to be pretty normal.
Or maybe I've just learned better how not to be numb and process my emotions better after being numb for so long.
It has gotten much easier for me though, I rarely get mad/angry..

Great topic8

Mattcake

I can relate.. I was shocked at the amount of anger that was laying beneath the surface. It seemed to come in waves.

These days, I find anger extremely useful.. Channeled correctly, it can be empowering and give you drive. I also like the intensity surges that come along with it, as I'm usually pretty mellow. But again, the trick is take it in stride.

Most of us are taught that some feelings are better than others. I disagree with that. The problems seem to start when the feeling is repressed or taken to extremes. Unabashed happiness (as in mania) can be just as dangerous as unrestrained anger. All feelings are healthy, helpful and natural if they are directed and expressed consciously; they all deserve our respect and acknowledgment. Easier said than done, but worth it IMO.

mle-sober

Quoting Horeslover, quoting Dee!! That's funny!

And the idea for the thread came originally through a PM from Horselover!

I get teary reading these responses. It helps me feel like anger has an appropriate role (like Mattcake said) and like maybe I don't have to be quite so ashamed of it. Since it's reared up in my sober life, I've tried to face it but them as quickly as possible squash it, camoflauge it, back-peddle away from it.

I'm so scared of it.

It makes me have to take responsiblity. Like my anger is related to blame. And I'm not good at knowing where that line is that Dee pointed out - where it changes from being honest to self-indulgent.

Sometimes I want to wrap myself up in my anger so that I feel justified to be the way I am. But what I used to do was wrap myself up in booze so I didn't have to justify who I am. Like putting my fingers in my ears - la la la la la!

Dee74

I so identify - and with what you said about being scared of it, and knowing it means taking responsibility for it.

I really resonate with what Matt said too - After being scared of it for so so many years, I want the whole life experience.

That means making mistakes sometimes, and feeling bad, and maybe even being wrong (I hear )

I'm still scared of the awesome responsibility of being an adult - but I'm learning to love it

D

least

I have a problem with anger. I get mad too quick, tho I cool down pretty quick too. I get angry with myself, my 'situation', and with the unfairness of it all. Anger isn't bad if it leads us to do good, like being angry over injustice and really working to make something more fair. I'm not sure why I feel so much anger but am trying to be less angry at myself.

lizw

My sponsor told me (when I was new) that I could be angry about something for 24 hours then I had to let it go.

However I also had the type of anger that would be better clasified as resentment. This was the type where I would relive incidents that happened in the past so I could feel angry about them all over again.

I think I also used this as a denfense sheild. I.e. if the memory of a person hurting me was always in my mind, I would never let myself be hurt again.

These days (at 10 years sober) I've noticed my anger levels seem to be in direct relation to my level of acceptance regarding what is happening in my life but then if something really unfair happens (as a one off occurance) I try and apply the 24 hour rule.

Expressing anger is good and right, but finding a healthy outlet is the key for me. And as I said, identifying the type of anger it is.

Horselover

Hey MLE - I know exactly where this thread started from. I am very glad you posted it because its helped me deal with the issue we discussed. Remember also "We can't please all the people all the time." (besides do we really want to?) You're a good egg MLE and thanks again!

Mattcake

Where to begin? Certainly NOT at birth!

Hmm.. IMO this deserves an entire thread

Dee74

some days I think it may need its' own forum Matt! LOL

D

Rusty Zipper

G.U.A.

Grown Ups Anonymous

as there are a 100 forms of fear, there are a 100 forms of anger...

sheesh!

mle-sober

Thanks, Horselover, for the Good Egg comment! You're sweet.

I'm hoping to hatch any day now. And maybe one day, grow up! (:

I'm actually writing the story of my life right now and it's tentatively titled, "The Story of My Birth, In Nine Chapters." Some of us take longer than others. Oh well.

(fyi - the nine chapters cover the nine different places I've lived.)

Anyway, this thread has been very helpful to me. I'm printing it out so that when I start having this stranglehold emotion I'm having a hard time identifying and owning, I can re-read all of your wise words. And maybe fight my way through the thicket to relative peace. Thanks.