Kellye C

I am not new to SR, co-dependency or addiction (my own) but I'm in a situation that I'm not sure how to handle. I'd like to lay it out and get feedback from anyone who has dealt with this.

First some background. I am a recovering alcoholic with over 4 yrs, my husband is a recovering alcoholic/addict/child of alcoholic who is almost 4 yrs. We live with my mom and my 22 y/o son to help mom out with the bills on the house or she would have to sell it.

22 y/o has smoked pot on a reguar basis, done bars and drank occasionally. He is bi-polar 2 which complicates things. He slips into depressions when things aren't going his way, has threatened suicide but stops when I talk about having him committed for 72 hours. - think he plays it to a certain extent to manipulate situations. He is also prone to rages. He punches holes in walls but not people (yet).

Recently he has been acting strange with projectile vomiting out of nowhere, talking to me then no recollection of it the next day. We have suspected he is stepping up usage of something but have been watching and waiting for something concrete before acting. Well he overdrew his checking account and has failed to make it right. He claimed it wasn't his fault and was going to protest it but never did. Because my mom helped get the account where she works it would reflect poorly on her so I covered the overdraft yesterday and closed his account.

In researching his claims of someone double dipping from his accout we discovered he ordered something costing over 500 dollars from a place that sells grow lights and hydroponic growing systems. He has something in his closet running continuously and he has a new lock on it so we have every reason to believe he is growing pot or something in his room.

My husband and mom and I have talked and plan to confront him and tell him what we believe he is doing and offer 3 choices;

1. Take the contents out of the closet and smash it to pieces in our presence. Putting it in the trash or moving it to a friends house are not an option.
2. If he refuses then he needs to pack his stuff and leave.
3. If he does neither of these, gets violent or runs for his taser in his room then we call the police.

My questions are:

1. Does it sound like we are doing this right?
2. If we call the police and inform them about his growing set can they take us to jail too? We are thinking since we called it in and have no key to the closet we should be ok but I don't really know that.
3. If we have to throw him out do we have to evict him? He has lived there rent free and pays no bills.

Are there better ways of handling this? As I said I am out of my league on this one!

Thank you!
Kellye

BellasNona

This is just my opinion and what I would do. He is living in your mothers home that you are working hard to keep. So those four walls and closet door he is keeping locked is YOUR MOTHERS. Break it down, and get rid of whats ever behind it. Then put him in a program, QUICKLY!!! Whatever is running behind that closet door, regardless of what it is, could malfunction and burn your house down. He's putting his enablers in danger (I don't mean to be mean about that, I am one myself). Thats the type of person I am tho, I broke the door down once in my home, I would do it again. I hate to be so blunt, but you asked for an opinion/advice. I will pray for you Kellye, be safe.

Kellye C

No offense taken on the enabling. I am aware that we have been doing that. My mom enabled my sister and I in our addictions and is enabling him. I am too but the scales are being lifted from my eyes as I have sat in the rooms of AA for four and a half years now and have seen it all! Thank God I have a husband who is even less of an enabler and willing to take the lead on this conversation as I am horrible at conflicts and am prone to TIA's or mini strokes and my mom has had several actual strokes.
Thanks so much for your input and prayers! We are going to need them!

Freedom1990

In addition to what has already been suggested, I would recommend Alanon for you. I too am a recovering alcoholic with two ADs, and believe me, I did my share of enabling too, but no more.

My EXAH was quite adept at hydroponics and growing weed, and you can bet that is what your son's doing in that closet.

Ann

I agree, get rid of the stuff immediately, you are in danger of the grow op going wrong and you are also in very serious legal danger. And this is just what you found...might there be more skeletons in that closet?

Sometimes we get so used to the chaos, to drugs and alcohol and illegal activity, that we don't even realize how much danger we are in legally. Just knowing is enough in most states to put you in jail for a long time.

I am so sorry your son is having trouble, and I hope he will go to rehab and do something about it, but I also hope that you and your family will take very good care of yourself to protect yourself from him and his activities.

Hugs

barblsn

I am a firm believer in "my house my rules". My 26 year old step son lives with me rent free. When he starts to argue when I tell him to do something, I tell him "this is not up for debate". I recently talked to him about his drinking and pot use, told him no more in the house. He's moving out next week.

Taking5

I agree to break in and get rid of the stuff. If he is using it for illicit purposes, what is he going to do, call the cops on you?

Also FYI these things take a LOT of electricity and one of the ways LE finds this is a spike in your electric useage. They can use this for a warrant and if it ever gets that far good luck telling LE that neither you nor your mom were involved.

Kellye C

Thank you all. I'm going to be sharing the responses I get with my husband and mom. One thin I have hammered home especially to my mom is we have to be a united front on this, no chinks in the armor that he can use to worm his way out of this. My husband has gone so far as to say that if that happens we are moving out. Period.

imallright

Kellye... I know you love your son, but you need to take care of you. This is just way to dangerous and so inconsiderate. Either break the door down or do what you have planned and stick to your guns. You hit your bottom somehow and have climbed your way back up.... he has to do the same. Allowing it to continue and tip toeing around the elephant won't make it better. Stay safe and know that we are here to support and listen.

Impurrfect

(((Kellye))

I think you've gotten some excellent advice, but I just wanted to send you some hugs and prayers.

Amy

marle

Adding my hugs and prayers. The others have said it so well. Hugs, Marle

lizw

I'm a double winner too. I am a sober alcoholic (10 years) + 5 of those 10 have also been spent as a Al Anon member.

A lot of Al Anons have told me because I am an alcoholic they thought I'd know what to do regarding other peoples addicitons in my life, but when it comes to family and emotions it is really hard.

Personally I would not suggest breaking in to his room and ridding it of whatever he should not have, unless you are in the mood for a drama but I'd suggest taking in some Al Anon meetings before doing anything.

Al Anon says we don't create a 'situation' but nor do we 'stop a situation occuring' if it is a natural result of life.

That's my ESH.

Take it easy
:ghug3

helpus

Kellye, So sorry for what your family is going through. FYI..you shouldn't have to break the door. Just take the doorknob off. My husband put one of the cats in my daughters bedroom on holloween so he wouldn't get out, while we were handing out candy. Well, the door was locked. So we just took off the doorknob to get my cat out.

Kellye C

Thanks again for the responses. My husband read them with me and we've decided that when he has a night class this week we are going to remove the hinges from the closet door and just see exactly what is in there. If it is what we suspect it is coming out and being destroyed and the closet door will be placed in storage. The taser gun is going too. When he gets home and sees it all hell will break loose and then he has the option of accepting the fact that he no longer has a closet door and has a new set of rules to live by or he leaves. If he tries to get violent we call the cops. If by some miracle we find that we are mistaken about the contents of the closet (not bloody likely) then the hinges go back up.

Your input has helped tremendously in validating our feelings of what we feel are our rights and responsibilities.

My next questions is this. As part of his bi-polar he has threatened suicide several times, or hinted at it, or cut himself. It usually follows an episode when things don't go his way (ie he loses yet another girlfriend, another job, gets himself into financial holes that my mom and I usually dig him out of, etc.) I fully expect that something of this nature will go with this in an attempt to distract us from the real issue. I warned him last time he did this that if he did it again I was calling 911. Is that an appropriate response?

Thank you again!
Kellye

imallright

Absolutely. I know I was struggling with my EXAH's response being suicide. I was afraid to move, because I was afraid of what he would do or threaten to do. My therapist suggested, strongly.... "if he starts to threaten or if you think that is what he is thinking, tell him that if he behaves, talks "that way" again, that you will call 911... and do it." You can't live with those types of threats and you can't afford to take the chance that he will do something and live with no action. Just my opinion, but it sounds like you have your head together and a solid plan. All the best.

marle

I called 911 on my daughter. It is better than guessing about the right response. Funny how she calmed right down when I was on the phone. Suicide threats should always be taken seriously. Suicide can be an impulsive gesture. We just never know. Hugs, Marle

Kellye C

Yeah, I told him the last time he pulled this what I was going to do. He's up to his ears in credit card debt. Seems he built himself a good credit rating and was buying stuff for friends and they were supposed to pay him back (even though I told him that was not a good idea). He lost a job (one of many) and the creditors are hounding him and he sent me this text message that didn't come out and say he was ending it but strongly implied it. He then refused to answer texts, phone calls etc. I finally had to get my sister to go over and beat on his door. Best I can tell he took a healthy chunk of his monthly dose of Ativan and was sleeping it off. When he came to I told him I wasn't going to put up with that crap and the very next time he pulled it I was calling 911 and giving them permission to break the door down or whatever they have to do and have him committed.

Ever since I got sober and learned about the thinking patterns of alcoholics I have known he is one in the making. He has the victim mentality down to an art and gradiosity (has all these elaborate schemes of ways to make money without having to, God forbid, WORK) and he is a master manipulator. He heaped guilt on my head the first year and a half of my sobriety for how messed up he is. Well, I have owned my part and made amends but he is 22 years old and it's time he grows up and gets responsible. Growing pot in a closet is not responsible!

I hope to be ready for just about anything. I don't want to see him go to the jail but I sure as heck don't want us to go to jail either for something we are not participating in!

I don't feel like he's an addict yet. He is on a very slippery slope though and it won't take much! I would just as soon see him get off the elevator now rather than see him have to hit a low bottom.

I will keep posting on this thread when this happens and what the results are. I'm going to need lots of support. I have also located a local Al-Anon group that I plan to check out as well.

Thanks again,
Kellye

NeedingHelp7

KellyC, I'm a recovered alcoholic 16 yrs, w/ a 19 yr old AS(his DOC pot), a 23 yr old daughter (who during her teen yrs was nightmare, her DOC was pot then) and a 57 yrs old AH (who never stays clean), I met him in a support group, lucky me!!!!

I wished I would have went to alanon yrs ago, in my first yrs of sobriety, it would have helped immensely for what I would face in the future w/ my older children, and AH. There is no Naranon in my area...so basically I began Alanon 1 yr ago, wishing I would have a lot sooner.

How do you know he's not an addict yet? I felt the same way when having the teens home, I felt they were just "experimenting w/ drugs" and soon it would be over with. My daughter stopped everything at age 18, and not with out treatment. She went to outpatient treatment 3 times before age 18. AS has also been through treatment 3 times, he's only 19. I had to be as vigilant as possible w/ them at a young age hoping to prevent worse for their future. And then I married AH....thinking he would be a great sober, loving role model!!! (he also used to be a substance abuse counselor, and bragged about that quite a bit in our dating years).
Well....he's relapsed and did worse than they ever did.

In Aug. I had to ask AS to leave our home, and now have an order of protection against him. I found stolen cells phones in our home, in his room.
What I saw was that he would get violent and mean without the pot. I won't see him for a least a yr, but I hope I see a new son when I do see him again. AH has supervised visits with our son (6).
I won't allow AH in our home due to trust issues.

Tough love is a hard thing. I think you and your husband have thought it through well, and are making the best plan you can in such a difficult situation.

Becareful....and please let us know what you find in the closet.

Kellye C

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted on this, simply because I had nothing new to post. One of our members stayed on top of the situation with me via PM and this past Monday we finally got answers. I updated them and they suggested that I post it here as well as things took an interesting twist. I just noticed things finished a month to the day from when I originally started the thread. My God, time flies!

Below is my update written Monday when things went down:
"I wanted to let you know that we went into the closet today and it was loaded with plants. I sent him a text message telling him that he was busted and told him he had a choice, either destroy everything or move out. He came in and with the help of my husband everything has been destroyed. I was worried he would go into a rage but instead there were lots of tears and guilt and a sense of relief that the dirty secret was out. In my wildest dreams I never imagined it turning out like this. Reminds me of my very favorite part of the Big Book at the top of page 100 that speaks of when we turn things over to our Higher Power they are greater than we could imagine (paraphrased).

Thank you for your prayers. I wanted to update you since you had stayed on top of this. Much dialogue was opened up. Once again, it just blows my mind!

Hugs,
Kellye"

To add a bit to this, when we opened this closet it was at the point where the smell was wafting up through to the garage. I still was unprepared for what we found. There were 12 huge plants that were about a week away from "budding". At that point he estimates they would have been worth 5000 based on the type they were but we were told privately more like 15000. Our whole household could have easily gone down. I still shudder to think about it.

He said he realized that he had done something stupid and had gotten way in over his head but didn't know how to just man up and admit it. He didn't know what was going to happen and he was relieved to have the whole mess over with. So are we!

Thank you to all who offered support.

And to my secret PM person who stayed with me on this, God bless you!

Kellye