veryrestless722

i feel like everyone i know is hanging on to me underwater and im trying to fight my way to the surface, im so tired of having no control over my own life

ill try to make this short, got a letter from my MIL saying that my husband had called her and said he had no where to go can he come live with her for a while, well her and her new husband laid down the law to him, no drinking, he has to get a job, and he has to start sending me money for the baby or hes out, and they mean it, they really dont even want him in alabama with them
so i tried calling my husband to find out his plans, he didnt answer so i went to his apartment, we talked a little bit, i dont think nothing was accomplished as far as him but i felt better, he lost his job, cant make his rent, yada yada, im like this is the third time you've done this when are you going to learn this dont work, i asked him if he was ever going to give up this partying lifestyle, he said he was getting sober, which is easy to say when your drinking, i said what about me and the baby , every day hes born is another day you miss out on, it really dont faze him that much, i told him i loved him but i would never put up with drinking anymore, that if he ever got sober he could call me but there is no way hes gonna be around the baby drunk, i said there will be no fighting around my child, theres no point in it , he kept saying i dont know, i have to get my life straight before i can do anything, i said no you dont get more time to decide to be a father, this is not a game, this baby will be here very shortly and you've already missed out on so much

well hes leaving monday to go back , he wants me to come over saturday and talk to him, i dont trust that he will call and im not sure if im going or not, probably , i think alot needs to be said before he leaves, i dont want to leave things just hanging, i dont want a bad goodbye, im tired of living in anger all the time, i want to walk away knowing i left on good terms, its all about me, nothing to do with him, this is part of my recovery from him, im trying to be a better person, i dont want to be codependant anymore and ive been really proud of myself lately, i think ive come a very long way, im in a better state of mind now, im focusing on myself and my son

but my mom doesnt see it that way, shes just coming down on me about everything, says she knows im going back to him, ive tried explaining to her thats not why i went and talked to him, i said hes leaving im not trying to stop him, i think going to alabama is his best shot, if he is ever going to hit rock bottom then it would be in alabama and away from people enabling him cause his mama aint gonna help him , i dont have to worry about him showing up at the hospital, or bothering me down here, its the best thing for both of us, i cant help having hope he will get sober, but i honestly dont believe hes willing to get sober, probably what will happen is he finds another girl to enable him, i dont see us ever being together again, and im ok with that, i cant put up with drinking or cheating , thats just me now, but my mom just wont let up, i finally walked out the door cause i didnt want to hear it anymore, no one but yall on this board understands anything about being co-dependant or loving an alcoholic and i dont know how to make my parents understand where im at right now, how much more can i do to prove im not running back, im letting him go, im not interfering in his life, im not asking for him to move in with us

i felt so good about my progress and getting my life straight and now i feel like im sliding back because of my parents, ive stayed down here in florida for 7 years because of my parents, i was controlled by my husbands drinking down here for 7 years, i just dont feel like ive had any control over my own life ever, i appreciate their help but i dont need them making my choices, and i completely understand where they are coming from, they pick up the pieces of me everytime my husband runs off, but im not that person anymore, i feel like just giving up why even do anything anymore, i have no control over my own life, nobody lets me just be me, im held up to a higher standard than my sisters, god forbid i make mistakes , i never hear the end of them, i dont want to fight with anyone anymore, im working on controlling my temper, i dont see the point in fighting with my husband, it doesnt accomplish anything, i could go over and over what hes done to me and it wont change nothing , he will never see what hes done until he hits rock bottom, and i dont see him chaging then either, so why should i yell and scream at him and be cruel to him, all that does is hurt me

im even tired of hearing about my husband, no matter how hard im trying to break free my life is still controlled by him or what people say about him, god forbid i name the baby a name that my husband likes, then my family goes off, i say i dont want to change my name back to my madien name when i get a divorce and the world ends, well thats just holding on to him, i dont want the hassle of it, who cares what my last name is, if i tell him anything about the baby i get b*tched at, my thoughts and actions dont revolve around him anymore but its like everyone else cant let go of it

i just want to live my life, not my husbands or my parents or my sisters, i didnt realize the price of having them help me out, why cant they support me and not judge me, let me make my own mistakes and deal with them, no one understands what ive been through, all i hear is i wouldnt put up with it, well fine dont your not me, no one knows what they would do in this situation unless they are in it and none of my family has ever been in this situation, i think im doing ok now if everyone would leave me alone

i feel like i cant breathe anymore

Freedom1990

My parents' help has always come with a price, and for me to expect any different from them just leads to frustration.

I can definitely identify with the feelings of drowning because this time last year I was reaching a level of depression I hadn't felt in years.

That's when I decided I would go back to college, get my degree, and become financially independent. Because of my degenerative disk disease and lack of a college degree, there is no work I can do in my area that I am physically capable of.

I didn't get to start college as I had hoped over this past summer due to a lightning strike that took out my computer and DSL modem, but I started full-time this fall.

My parents ripped the Nissan out from under me when the youngest AD totaled her car, and I took the anger from that and kept myself motivated to get my college degree!

Start setting some goals for yourself, regardless of how small they are. That definitely helped me get away from that drowning feeling a little bit at a time. :ghug

DII

Can i give you my advice? YOU control your life. You can't tell your husband anything more that will he doesn't already know. Let him be....let him go....if he decides to figure it out and take control of his life and sobriety he will be approachable and you can talk about what you can share. Believe me I used to think I had to tell my AW what she was doing to the family, I thought that if she only knew my pain, my suffering and my lack of trust it might get her to change....it doesn't and in most cases is only makes them feel worse about themselves and drives them back to the bottle.

As for your family, you need to show your stregnth of conviction. Words won't do it actions will! They have been conditioned to step in and help and they do that and tell you what to do because they are doing to you what you are doing to your husband. They think you need to hear what your failings are. In a twisted way, you make your husband feel the way your family makes you feel.

Keep in mind that this is normal! It's all part of the disease, enabling and co-dependancy. That's why so many on this forum encourge everyone to learn about our A's disease, our disease and how to get OURSELVES healthy.

Being on this site is a great thing.....you are STRONG! Learn and grow!

denny57

Key for me was accepting that I was giving control of my life to others.

It is a choice, but in the thick of it it doesn't always seem that way.

Hope that no matter what you decides it brings you the peace you are seeking.

veryrestless722

thanks for your replies, it helps alot, i didnt realize that i do to my husband what my family does to me, thats a real eye opener but makes total sense

ive come to a decision, if he calls me saturday i will spend the day with him, im not discussing the past or the future, i will simply spend time with him, no promises no nothing, i need that day for myself, that way im leaving on my own terms and no one elses, if he doesnt call then i simply have to accept that and my life goes on

once hes gone to alabama im changing my number, im cuttin off every access he has to me, ill be in touch with his mama because of the baby but no contact with him, and she wont tell him nothing i dont want her to, i trust her, shes been there for me this whole time, hes not ready to be a father so i dont feel bad about no contact for that, im not doing it because im mad at him or hate him, im doing it for myself , its the only way i can truly move on, if its meant to be then we will find our way back together no matter what, im not in a place to be with him and hes not in a place to be with me, i love him and because of that im letting him completely go, if he was to ever get sober then he would know how to find me, his mom could let me know, but i dont see that happening but i do see myself moving on, it hurts i cant deny that but its also the right thing to do for me and my son

im telling my mom my plan today and thats the end of the discussion, i wont tolerate her yapping about it no more, she feels like she has to talk about it then go bother my sister leave me out of it, i have to live with my parents right now and they are great to me dont get me wrong, they love me too much probably and im begining to think my mom is co-dependant on me, i could not ask for better parents but im taking back control im tired of people telling me what to do, i am so da*n determined to get back on my feet, next year im working on going to school no matter what, thats my way out and my way to support my son, ill do what i have to do right now, and im going back to alabama whether it takes me years to get there, im going back for me and no one else, i refuse to be tied down anymore, i just cant live like this anymore

the only person i will tie myself to right now is my son, and i dont view him as any kind of restraint like my family or husband, hes like the other half of me and doing things for him will just be natural

this is the hardest thing to do right now, it hurts very much, but im also pretty calm about it, it just feels like the right thing i have to do right now, thanks for all your support i really need it to keep me grounded

veryrestless722

well my mom didnt go off as bad today, she just basically told me if i go back to him then me and my baby are welcome around but she wont ever be around my husband, which is understandable, hopefully she stays like this and backs off, shes not happy about me going to his place tomorrow but she aint trying to stop me, she didnt like the whole staying the night thing but i dont see that happening any ways so she dont have to worry and i explained to her that i wont be having any contact after he leaves, i hope to stick to that, but with a baby and working i dont see having any time to bother with him anyway

im begining to wonder if the roller coaster ride ever stops anymore

Jadmack25

"im begining to wonder if the roller coaster ride ever stops anymore".

Yes, it does. But it doesn't stop by itself.
We can wait until the operator (alcoholic) stops it, which can take ages or forever.
Or if we really are desperate to get off, we can make the decision ourselves and WE CAN JUMP.

You have made the decision to jump. May you have a soft landing and a happier life off that roller coaster.