DII

The toughest thing to deal with with AW is the children. My boys are 18 and 15 and while they have been to some counseling and inpatient family programs they have become adverse to talking about their Mom's alcoholism. Just as a reminder my AW can be sober for 6-8 months then relapse and detox. Same pattern for 4 years. My 18 year old is away at college and we spoke for an hour this week when I told him I was filing for divorce. Even though they hate her when she drinks, disappoints them, and relapses, they love her and want her to be happy. I know it's classic enabling behavior and that the longer we all stay in this environment the more they will learn that codependent relationships are normal. Heck, my 15 year old told me the other day that he thinks his Mom understnds him better than me!

I really am concerned that the boys are taking on her personality. Quiet, moody, negative and base their happiness on what other people do to them. Just like Mom. I told her it was over but I know she will uses the boys emotionally. Poor her, your Dad is giving up....and they will feel bad for her etc......until she relapses again.

It is a crazy roller coaster for them. In my conversation with the 18 year old we talked about how relaxed, peacful and fun it was in the house when she was out of the house for 7 months. It seems like they forget how thing can be and were when AW wife was gone and we could BREATH and relax!

For my part, I am increasingly cranky and quiet around the house because since I have made up my mind out ending the relationship ny 15 year old takes that as I am mad and he gets mad at me and I get frustrated with him. Another classic trait of the AW. She always takes someone elses frustrations and makes the leap that they are upset with her!

Just needed to vent....any suggestions or advice would be appreciated!

Freedom1990

Are you attending Alanon? For me, the best support that I can be for my kids/grandkids is to have a program of recovery for myself, to learn new ways to handle my emotions and deal with life on life's terms.

I know exactly what you mean about the kids taking on so much of their mom's personality.

My oldest daughter is just like I was when I was active in my alcoholism/addictions.

Sadly, she has now progressed way beyond anything I ever experienced, and still claims she doesn't have a problem.

She lives her life, and I live mine in recovery.

Who knows? Maybe some day she'll like what she sees me doing enough that she will try it.

blessed4x

DII....hugs and support. You are doing the right thing. I am the type of person that will analyze and research something to death before making a decision. I have talked with so many people who have stayed in relationships for the kids, and very few of them felt it did a thing to benefit the kids. On the other hand, I have met many people who have created a healthy environment for their kids away from the addicted spouse and the kids flourished. I'm sure there are situations where this isn't true, but for the most part this is what I've found.

I have started to open my eyes and see the effects my AH's alcoholism has had on my kids as well. Just last night we got home from football and soccer practice and my 12 year old said "I wonder if dad was downstairs all night DRINKING BOOZE?" He said it loud enough for dad (who was downstairs) to hear, and angry enough for me to realize what a toxic environment they have grown up in.

I wish you the best with your boys. They are seeing a strong male role model, and may not grasp it now, but hopefully will look back on it and understand. You are planting seeds.

Jazzman

It's a horrible thing for anyone to go through, especially the kids. I'm 49 and to this day I still harbor some resentment for my Mother. I feel like she should have divorced my A Father when I was a teenager, if nothing more to get him out of the house, or us to another house. When he was drunk it was a miserable place to be, I wanted out but was too young to take matters into my own hands.

A good therapist with experience in these things is a must, as well as Ala Teen and Ala non.

penneypoo

It's tough when you are the stable one, yet the kids resent you b/c you have to be the parent. Maybe they won't appreciate it now, but when they look back many years from now hopefully they will realize you were trying to establish a stable, peaceful home for them. They will see it. Also, it's the teenage attitude you are dealing with. I don't have any suggestions, but I wish you luck, stand your ground, and move forward. You deserve happiness, and after it's all over, I hope you find that.