superasiaone

First time posting here because I am not sure what to do...My husband had been hiding his heroin use for the last few years which was getting bad towards the end. He has a history of abuse that I knew about but I thought it was behind him. During that time we got married. I found out and threatened divorce. He checked into rehab for a month, then an SLE and now he has been sober for 8 months. Now he goes to meetings every day, is doing well and working the steps. At the meetings he met another woman that he relates to and they have started a friendship that I think has started to cross lines. She is a nursing student who has a hand injury and he offered to help her with some word processing. He went over to her house around 7:30PM and did not come home until after 12AM. There are also a lot of text messages from her at all hours of the day and night. Then he tells me that she asked him to come over to help her make a sandwich for her kid's school lunch, which just seems weird. He says nothing is going on and I want to believe him but this type of friendship bothers me. He calls it part of his recovery. Any advice is greatly appreciated...

Bernadette

Regardless of alcohol/drugs/or recovery: if it is bothering you and your concerns about it are being met with poo-poohing and "oh it's nothing" or any other type of rationalization that does not feel right in your gut then it is a problem for YOU!!

Trust yourself-- we don't support recovery by keeping quiet about what is bothering us in our intimate relationships-- in fact that is just enabling again!! No consequences for the recovered A-- we don't want to disturb their recovery, etc.

If their recovery is working they can take stress and reality - that's the WHOLE POINT of recovery isn't it?? Learning to live life on life's terms - facing difficulty and discomfort with honesty and humility instead of drugs/alcohol, lies and drama. His recovery is HIS to manage, you are not so powerful that you can take it away from him.

What have you been doing for YOU? Have you been to Naranon or Alanon meetings or getting some one on one counseling. It really helps to have those neutral voices shining lights on things.

Peace-
B.

GiveLove

superasia,

I tend to trust my gut on these things, first.

But regardless of whether there is anything "serious" going on there, the fact is the YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT AND YOU WANT HIM TO STOP.

Alcohol or no, recovery or no, affair or no -- this is something that is hurting you and whether it makes sense or not, whether HE feels it's anything or not, you need to protect yourself from this hurt. There's no reason in the world you should have to go on living with this without setting boundaries for yourself.

Perhaps you can tell him what you're willing to tolerate in the name of his recovery. This doesn't sound right.

Good luck with everything.

Learning how

I had a simular situation when my AH first started going to meetings. He met a woman that had been around AA on and off for a while. He liked her and she was supportive of him. We even went to an out of town speaker meeting with her and to dinner. The problem was that he would call her and worry about her, then he started going to lunch with her. I asked him not to and he let me know that there was nothing going on chatter I was over reacting ....

I liked this woman also. But I did not want him going to her house for lunch.
Period. He did go anyway. I drew a deep line in the sand, did not handle the situation very well but let him know it was a deal breaker for me.

I didn't like what he was doing, I as a person have the right to be treated with respect and for a married man to act the way he was was disrespectful of me. IMHO Bottom line is he stoped. If not I would not be sitting here now.