Resenting... even when I know I shouldn't
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 2
Resenting... even when I know I shouldn't
I am new to this website, but not to living with an addict. My addict bf visits this website a lot, and I thought since a lot of alanon folks are in here, it might help me as well. I visited an Alanon meeting, and I know I didn't give it a good enough chance, but I didn't feel I was ready for meetings. I was still in denial back then I guess. Just a little background - my addict bf has 2 children, I have 1. We have lived together for over a year and dated for 3 1/2 years. He has lied to me a lot about his drug use throughout the years, and each time I tried to leave him it was too hard and I thought he needed me too much. Finally, 2 years ago almost to the day, he got on methadone. I was worried about the fact that he was just getting on another drug to keep from having withdrawals from his doc, but hey, it was better than the lying, deceit and enormous money problems. Then, he went to jail for tickets a year ago, and I didn't have money to get him out right away. He detoxed from the methadone for a few days, then he got out. He told me it wasn't too bad (since he had already tapered off almost all the way by that time) and he wasn't going back to the methadone clinic. I found out 4 months ago that he was lying to me all along... he had gone back to the clinic, and remained on methadone the entire time. Even went WAY up on the dosage. I found out, told his parents (who knew his history) and they told him he was cut off. (They support him and us a lot) They told me they would help me however I needed it. Then, his parents told the mother of his 2 children so she could cut off or limit his contact with them. Everything was in a frenzy... then, as I was packing and planning to move out, he was desperate and miserable. Somehow that's when he's most attractive to me, when he needs me. I stayed, and he promised to go to meetings, to do what he could to quit, to do whatever. He was ready. We worked on things, he got on suboxone (which I'm still not keen on), as a group we came up with a graduated schedule for him to get visitation with his girls back, and things started over. I still don't trust him. It wasn't him being on methadone that hurt me the most... it was the drug addict's actions he took. He still lies about things that don't even matter, he still has trouble taking responsibility for his own actions, but I have let go of trying to control his recovery, and I try not to bug him too much with questions. With that said, I am still a gf of an addict, and we both have children that I am extremely protective over, even his. I have worked with his ex in letting her know her girls will be protected and taken care of, and I will let her know if I suspect anything serious going on. I feel a responsibility in staying in touch with his recovery so that I can protect our children and myself.
He has been clean for a little over 4 months. His dad asked him in the beginning to do 90 meetings in 90 days so he could really get involved in NA and get help from others there. And also, to show us all he was serious about recovery. He got a little over 80 in 90 days, good, but not what was asked of him. His dad also told my bf that because of the actions he has taken, he explained repentance and how important it is for us all to believe in him again, and to trust him. My bf understood that I cannot trust him, and to gain that trust back, needs to answer questions I might ask, or let me go through his cell phone if I think something fishy is going on, or take a drug test as soon as any of us ask for one.
So, what happened recently.... Tuesday, around lunchtime, I asked him if he was going to a meeting (he usually goes to the noon one). He said no. I knew he hadn't been to one in about a week. I said, "OK. But you know you need to keep going right?" And yes, I used the tone, and yes, I was pushing him about recovery, so he got upset with me, but then proceeded to tell me he was going to go until I told him he needed to. That's not true, because he already said no, but in addition to that, he's not taking responsibility for his own action not to go, he's blaming me... AGAIN! I was furious, and I explained to him later that I believe he should be going more frequently since he hasn't even been clean 6 months. Not only that, I want to be involved in knowing what is going on, because last time he was *recovering* he stopped going to meetings and said he's fine and didn't need them. Then, he started drinking again, then led to lying and then getting on methadone again. I need to know what's going on to make sure I can trust him around the kids by himself. I asked him to go take a drug test when I was mad, and he said, fine... but never went. He just thought it was because I was angry and would get over it. My bf told me I just need to start going to alanon meetings. Because this is my problem instead of his? I guess it's partly true... but not all the way. I'm just hurt and need a little support from people who understand what I'm going through. Thank you for any comments/suggestions you can give me. And feel free to be honest and give it to me like it is...
He has been clean for a little over 4 months. His dad asked him in the beginning to do 90 meetings in 90 days so he could really get involved in NA and get help from others there. And also, to show us all he was serious about recovery. He got a little over 80 in 90 days, good, but not what was asked of him. His dad also told my bf that because of the actions he has taken, he explained repentance and how important it is for us all to believe in him again, and to trust him. My bf understood that I cannot trust him, and to gain that trust back, needs to answer questions I might ask, or let me go through his cell phone if I think something fishy is going on, or take a drug test as soon as any of us ask for one.
So, what happened recently.... Tuesday, around lunchtime, I asked him if he was going to a meeting (he usually goes to the noon one). He said no. I knew he hadn't been to one in about a week. I said, "OK. But you know you need to keep going right?" And yes, I used the tone, and yes, I was pushing him about recovery, so he got upset with me, but then proceeded to tell me he was going to go until I told him he needed to. That's not true, because he already said no, but in addition to that, he's not taking responsibility for his own action not to go, he's blaming me... AGAIN! I was furious, and I explained to him later that I believe he should be going more frequently since he hasn't even been clean 6 months. Not only that, I want to be involved in knowing what is going on, because last time he was *recovering* he stopped going to meetings and said he's fine and didn't need them. Then, he started drinking again, then led to lying and then getting on methadone again. I need to know what's going on to make sure I can trust him around the kids by himself. I asked him to go take a drug test when I was mad, and he said, fine... but never went. He just thought it was because I was angry and would get over it. My bf told me I just need to start going to alanon meetings. Because this is my problem instead of his? I guess it's partly true... but not all the way. I'm just hurt and need a little support from people who understand what I'm going through. Thank you for any comments/suggestions you can give me. And feel free to be honest and give it to me like it is...
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Slvralanon,
You are in a difficult situation. Addiction rarely allows for easy decisions - most are gut wrenching in one way or another. But your strength needs to be focused on maintaining your own sanity and some level of peace of mind with your own situation, not your abf.
Another good bit of adivce to remember is the 3 C's -
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.
It is really difficult to send a loved on this message: I love you, I want you to be well, but you are choosing you own path, not me. I cannot enable your addiction and put my welfare/sanity at risk.
I am not suggesting that you leave him at all, but you do have to establish boundaries so that you are not enabling his addiction. A big part of Al-Anon is learning how little control one has over the addict and his/her addiction, apart from helping them stay addicted.
I hope the situation gets better and pray that your abf sees your concern. It is in his hands and those of his Higher Power.
You are in a difficult situation. Addiction rarely allows for easy decisions - most are gut wrenching in one way or another. But your strength needs to be focused on maintaining your own sanity and some level of peace of mind with your own situation, not your abf.
Another good bit of adivce to remember is the 3 C's -
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.
It is really difficult to send a loved on this message: I love you, I want you to be well, but you are choosing you own path, not me. I cannot enable your addiction and put my welfare/sanity at risk.
I am not suggesting that you leave him at all, but you do have to establish boundaries so that you are not enabling his addiction. A big part of Al-Anon is learning how little control one has over the addict and his/her addiction, apart from helping them stay addicted.
I hope the situation gets better and pray that your abf sees your concern. It is in his hands and those of his Higher Power.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Well you start off by saying that you have let go of trying to control his recovery, followed by many, many examples of attempts to control him and your rationalization for doing so.
I have no idea of your BF's intent, but his advise is rock solid. Get to Alanon.
I have no idea of your BF's intent, but his advise is rock solid. Get to Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I understand you don't WANT to control his recovery, but sometimes it's hard to see what we're doing is controlling. It took me a long time to figure it out.
The best thing to do is set boundaries. Like when you asked him to get a drug screen and he didn't. In the future, you may want to set a boundary, as in "if you don't get a drug screen when I ask, I will........."
I admire you for being protective of the kids, but, honestly, if he's not even willing to prove he's not using, I wouldn't want them around him. That's just me.
Unfortunately, we A's (addicts) are very adept at lying and manipulation. It doesn't sound, to me, like he is working very hard to get your trust back.
He's not going to recover unless he wants to. There's not a darn thing you can do or say that will make him do it. As long as you keep letting him get away with it, he's going to take advantage of it. He knows which buttons to push, with you, to get his way. He's going to keep pushing them. You have to learn how to not LET him.
Al-anon is a good start, but so are the wonderful people here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I understand you don't WANT to control his recovery, but sometimes it's hard to see what we're doing is controlling. It took me a long time to figure it out.
The best thing to do is set boundaries. Like when you asked him to get a drug screen and he didn't. In the future, you may want to set a boundary, as in "if you don't get a drug screen when I ask, I will........."
I admire you for being protective of the kids, but, honestly, if he's not even willing to prove he's not using, I wouldn't want them around him. That's just me.
Unfortunately, we A's (addicts) are very adept at lying and manipulation. It doesn't sound, to me, like he is working very hard to get your trust back.
He's not going to recover unless he wants to. There's not a darn thing you can do or say that will make him do it. As long as you keep letting him get away with it, he's going to take advantage of it. He knows which buttons to push, with you, to get his way. He's going to keep pushing them. You have to learn how to not LET him.
Al-anon is a good start, but so are the wonderful people here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
One thing i found with my AS is the best thing to do was just let him be. Yes that's excruciatingly hard. He like most, blamed me. I couldnt live with that guilt trip all the time so I just stopped trying to force the changes. When he asked advice, I turned them back around and said "well, that's you're choice." When he screwed up I said "its your life and your consequences." He seriously freaked out at this "new attitude" of mine. It was almost comical.
I agree with the boundaries but I found there is a huge difference between a boundary and a threat. I have another child and agree with you 100% that it wont be around her. My AS had the choice on whether or not to overstep my boundaries. Such as, drugs arent allowed in my home and if you bring them here I will call the law. If you have been doing drugs you go to the hospital (my child has other medical issues so it was warranted to get medical care immediately.) Now this all sounds great but the hard thing was following through with the boundaries. My boundaries were not set to get him to stop - they were set because they were things I wont tolerate. So, when he brought drugs in my home I called the law and he was arrested. When he was under the influence he went to the ER. Having him arrested is something I may never get over but its what I had decided to do so I did it. Guarantee you he has a new found respect of Mamma's rules now.
So decide carefully what your boundaries are and be very sure that you can follow through because if you just make empty threats he may never respect your boundaries.
Lastly, I agree with him - you should get some help - probably not for the same reasons he has but it really does help us to reclaim our own lives and stop living theirs.
I agree with the boundaries but I found there is a huge difference between a boundary and a threat. I have another child and agree with you 100% that it wont be around her. My AS had the choice on whether or not to overstep my boundaries. Such as, drugs arent allowed in my home and if you bring them here I will call the law. If you have been doing drugs you go to the hospital (my child has other medical issues so it was warranted to get medical care immediately.) Now this all sounds great but the hard thing was following through with the boundaries. My boundaries were not set to get him to stop - they were set because they were things I wont tolerate. So, when he brought drugs in my home I called the law and he was arrested. When he was under the influence he went to the ER. Having him arrested is something I may never get over but its what I had decided to do so I did it. Guarantee you he has a new found respect of Mamma's rules now.
So decide carefully what your boundaries are and be very sure that you can follow through because if you just make empty threats he may never respect your boundaries.
Lastly, I agree with him - you should get some help - probably not for the same reasons he has but it really does help us to reclaim our own lives and stop living theirs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Its been 3 weeks since I kicked out my abf. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do IN MY LIFE. Tough love is NEVER easy. But I see things more clearly. I can easily spot the highs and lows that he is having. But what I learned the most out of all of this I CANNOT NOR WILL I continue living unhappily. When their addiction takes over your thoughts and makes you do and say things you normally would not do and say then really what is the point of staying?
I dont want to live a life where I have to be on watch. Its not fair to myself or the kids to live unhappily and until he realizes that there is nothing you can do. I have hope that he will get help and want to rebuild our family but he has to make the first move and that would be treatment. Before anything else can happen he has to get help.
In my situation I believe that when I kicked him out he really thought that the source of his problems was me. The reason he was unhappy was because he wasnt happy with our relationship. Now I know that he sees that is not the case. He is unhappy because he is an addict and NO MATTER what he will never be happy until he fixes that issue in his life. I on the other hand can CHOOSE to be happy and live my life with my kids. It sounds like your very unhappy and you will continue to be unhappy as long as your life revolves around an addict.......
I dont want to live a life where I have to be on watch. Its not fair to myself or the kids to live unhappily and until he realizes that there is nothing you can do. I have hope that he will get help and want to rebuild our family but he has to make the first move and that would be treatment. Before anything else can happen he has to get help.
In my situation I believe that when I kicked him out he really thought that the source of his problems was me. The reason he was unhappy was because he wasnt happy with our relationship. Now I know that he sees that is not the case. He is unhappy because he is an addict and NO MATTER what he will never be happy until he fixes that issue in his life. I on the other hand can CHOOSE to be happy and live my life with my kids. It sounds like your very unhappy and you will continue to be unhappy as long as your life revolves around an addict.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I also want to add that if you feel that leaving isnt an option (and that is your choice to make noone will judge you for staying) try doing the EXACT opposite of what you are doing now. Set your boundaries and then STOP doing what you are doing. For example, I would always push him to go to detox and then I would back off a few days and then I would start pushing again. Now I dont even bring it up. I dont bother him with it at all. I dont call him (unless it is extremely urgent having to do with the kids) I usually wait until I see him to say "hey so and so left you a message on the house phone". I am not playing into what he expects me to do and say.
And yesterday when I saw him (I see him everyday because of the kids) he started talking to me. He started telling me he was unhappy and began spilling his guts. I added here and there but nothing serious. It seems like if you start doing what they dont expect they take notice. Gives em something to think about (however cloudy or distorted) but its not the same old bull they are used to.
Again, just a thought....
And yesterday when I saw him (I see him everyday because of the kids) he started talking to me. He started telling me he was unhappy and began spilling his guts. I added here and there but nothing serious. It seems like if you start doing what they dont expect they take notice. Gives em something to think about (however cloudy or distorted) but its not the same old bull they are used to.
Again, just a thought....
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
SlvrAlanon,
I pray that you can make some progress.
Cassandra2's thoughts, I think, are right on.
You can keep loving him, but you should stop enabling him.
Addiction gives the addicted almost magical powers to see the weak spots in those they love, ignore their own, and the will to manipulate them to THE single purpose of staying addicted.
I pray that you can make some progress.
Cassandra2's thoughts, I think, are right on.
You can keep loving him, but you should stop enabling him.
Addiction gives the addicted almost magical powers to see the weak spots in those they love, ignore their own, and the will to manipulate them to THE single purpose of staying addicted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 2
Thank all of you so much for your help... I really do need to attend meetings. And, you are all right, I need to let go. It's REALLY hard for me to do that, but I know it's exactly what I have to do... for both of us really. And yes, anvilhead, you are exactly right. When my ABF told me I "needed" to go to Alanon meetings, I dug in my heels. It wasn't a great feeling, and I can only imagine that's how he reacts in his own mind also. I appreciate all of the help!!!
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