The wheels are moving but who is driving?

Old 10-30-2008, 09:23 AM
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The wheels are moving but who is driving?

I went by my house yesterday morning to get a few things. My son and I have been living at a friends house for the last month or so. When we moved in it was still warm and as it got colder I have been stopping by while my AW is at work to get a few things. I did it to check on my pets and the house and to get things. Imagine my surprise when the locks had been changed!

I was furious. I first called the police. Can she do this? Yes they say, it is technically her house too even though her name is not on the deed. We have been married for 12 years. Well then, can I kick the door in? The cop says yes, if you want to. So, I ask, If I kick the door in and she calls the cops are you going to come out and arrest me? No, he says. It's your house, you can kick in all the doors you want as long as you don't hurt anyone.

Well, I don't really want to kick down doors but at the moment knowing I could seemed to help calm me down.

I still had some stuff I needed to get so I called her dad and he called her. (I am trying to respect her wishes of not wanting to see me) he set it up where he would go over and she would leave, then I would come and get what I needed then he would call her back. Overly dramatic if you ask me but oh well, at least I could get warmer clothes and hats, gloves ...

She calls me an hour later and asks "What is so important that you need to come get it? I was having a good day until this and I have things I want to do after school." (She is a teacher)

Are you serious? Everything I own is in there. My life is in there. My home was in there. I told her forget it. I'd go buy a new winter coat for our son. I wouldn't want to put her out.

Later that night my daughter called and said mom had told her she signed the divorce papers and then needed to get away, which as you all know means into a bottle. So after all that she never even was at home.

I feel like I don't even know why we are getting divorced. I mean, I know why we are from my side of the fence but I have no idea why from her side. I feel like I am being punished for loving her TOO MUCH!

Her therapist won't talk to me any more because of the estrangement. She won't talk to me because she's so angry with me. It's like a train off the rails and no one knows how to turn it off.

I had a dream last night. My AW and I were in our wedding uniforms, smiling, holding hands looking at the future like it was ours for the taking. Fast forward and I see us still holding hands only I am a little further ahead because she is slowing down like extra weight is holding her back. Fast Forward and I still have a hold of her hand but now I am pulling her because she can't get there by herself. I stop and look back and see that she isn't making it so I pick her up to carry her. My arms are shaking but I would never leave her behind. Fast forward and I set her down to talk to her. I want to tell her that she can walk on her own. She is strong and I know she can make it if she wants to bad enough. She says OK and I turn to continue walking. I can see that she is trying to keep up but is stumbling and falls. When she comes back up she has changed into a monster and is only trying to hurt me. Trying to make me stop too.

Oh bother.
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Old 10-30-2008, 09:46 AM
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Sslusser, may I ask if you have both split and planning on getting a divorce why you had not collected your belongings all in one go a before?

I ask this because alcoholic or not, you are both splitting up and she has a right to not have you drop in and out of her life and you feel, she has the right to make boundaries (like getting the door locks changed) to prevent you from just walking in, with no invite.

It all seems to be enmeshed. I actually admire her for setting this boundary and changing the locks, it does not seem fair IMO that you come and go, especially when she is not there and you have not arranged it with her.

I am in the same boat, ex's things still in my house. I have changed my locks. I do not expect him to come into my home now we are split as and when he wants, it is my personal space.

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Old 10-30-2008, 12:51 PM
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We were not getting a divorce when I left. I was giving her space to think about things. What she actually did was use the time to drink herself into this state where she is ok and the rest of us (me, her parents and her children) are all unreasonable. All with the help of her favorite drinking buddy (her aunt) who has gone through 4 marriages.

Don't get the wrong idea that I was just coming in and out. I have respected her request for no contact. I just needed winter clothing which is all still in my house. I guess I thought I was complying with her wishes by just getting it. I had written her an email asking if the furnace was ok (it was 29 degrees here last night) and the animals were all ok. I never got an answer. So I just thought I would go check. Maybe my thinking was askew. I don't know.

Do you think that the outcome would have been different if I had called first?

I understand what you are saying, it is just taking a minute to sink in. I hadn't really looked at it from her point of view.
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Old 10-30-2008, 01:50 PM
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Wait...
OK.... So... she's the parent with addiction issues.... you're the sober parent.... she's in the house.... and you and the kids are out... asking permission and jumping through hoops to come get winter clothes? Do I have this right?
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Old 10-30-2008, 01:58 PM
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Yes. It is pathetic I know. When I left I thought it would be a week and we could get down to the business of cleaning this mess up.

I was wrong.

Now, she has decided that we need to be divorced. I know I should run. I just can't seem to get started. I just wrote the world's best codie letter to her. I actually intended to send it until just now. I know that I keep giving her all the power. I know I could find someone to really love me like I want to be loved.

I know all of these things in my mind. I just got the Codependent No More book from amazon today and I intend to start reading it after Al-Anon tonight.

<<< sigh >>>
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Old 10-30-2008, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
I know I should run. I just can't seem to get started.
Actually, by reaching out for support and reading up on the subject, you're off to a good start. Welcome to SR. I just read some of your other posts.

We have a lot in common. My Father was an alcoholic, my second marriage was to an old flame that was a heavy drinker.... at first... The difference is both my children were from my first marriage of 13 years.

Keep posting, learning and getting support. You need to be strong and make the right decisions for yourself, son and step daughter. I'll share a post from the sticky section that did wonders for me, I followed each step as though my sanity... and my childrens sanity... depended on it.

The sober parent has the extra responsibility for the emotional health and welfare of the children. It makes it harder but also gives us purpose.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways
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Old 10-30-2008, 10:05 PM
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I just re-read my post from this morning and boy do I sound angry. I am generally a pretty easy going guy but some of these latest escapades leave me very frustrated.

You know, when I first set MY boundary I didn't even consider that this is where it would end up. I thought for sure that she would wake up and realize what a mistake she was making. After all we were her family right? No one loves her more than us. I guess I assumed that she was capable of clear thought still. I wish I had looked for something like SR a year ago. I think things could have been different. Maybe not the outcome but perhaps the process.

Thank you Jazzman for your encouragement. I will keep posting and learning. And I will read the post you linked.

I agree with you about the emotional health of the children. On both counts. I keep telling myself that I have to muster the strength for them. After years of holding their mother up, they need someone they can lean on.
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:32 AM
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I guess I assumed that she was capable of clear thought still.

Alcoholism will keep reminding us and showing us that it is so much bigger than us (and them)...we have no control over it- we can show the alcoholic countless times the irrationality of their behavior, their thinking, the negative impact they are having on their health, their goals, their family - and they will still choose to drink - until THEY are done. The sooner we realize this - so that WE are done trying to "get them" to change, the sooner we can focus on our own issues that we are often blind to, one of which is usually codependent behavior.

All these issues of property and stuff at the house - this is difficult when any long term relationship falls apart... it is rare that it is executed seamlessly and with perfect forethought...you're doing the best you can - and I know you say you are, or were, hanging on to some notion that this boundary you set up would get her to change but be very careful with expectations - when repeatedly dashed they often cause the most misery - Have hope yes- but expectations, no!

I found anger was a common emotion that bubbled up after a few months in AlAnon - I had been holding a LOT of stuff in - since childhood - about the alcoholics in my family - each kid in our family had their role, and the angry one was not mine - so I had to learn how to deal with it, how to use it as the fuel injection that it is without burning myself or others...

Hang in there - one day at a time -
Peace-
B.
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:27 AM
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I have no idea if the outcome would have been different if you would have called first, perhaps she may have arranged for someone to meet you at the house then so it wouldn't have been a wasted journey for you, but then you are relying on whether she is reliable to do that.

I hope i didn't cause offense by my post, this subject is close to me at the mo and I may have taken that into my response to you. I apologise if that is so.

i hope you both manage to work thiongs so you can get your stuff with minimum of hassle.

Serenity
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
When I left I thought it would be a week and we could get down to the business of cleaning this mess up.
The more I think about this the more it strikes me you should be getting some good legal advice sooner rather than later. You left thinking it would be a short week long break, now you and the kids are out of the house and possibly at a great disadvantage. A Lawyer might advise you to move back in immediately because you both have the same right to the home. If the marriage can't be saved it would be better for your son to not relocate homes, schools, friends, etc... The least amount of change for the kids is generally considered best.
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:03 PM
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I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday. My father in law suggested that we try to get her out of the house. The fact is we feel safer where we are. I don't think she knows where the house is

As I type this she is texting and calling because she just realized that I changed my direct deposit. I am sure she is furious. I am just letting it ring. I will read her texts but I don't want to talk to her.

Uuuggghhh. My stomach hurts.

I am sure this will get ugly.
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:27 PM
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I hope i didn't cause offense by my post, this subject is close to me at the mo and I may have taken that into my response to you. I apologise if that is so.
No offense taken LilyFlower. You made a very good point and one that I failed to see. I thank you for that. I have decided that I needed to find a different means to my end. Rather than checking on the pets, we are going to rescue them!

I wonder if they (dogs) feel the effects of alcoholism? Mine seems to be able to sense when I am down and love me up. The leopard gecko on the other hand just might be oblivious ...
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday. My father in law suggested that we try to get her out of the house. The fact is we feel safer where we are. I don't think she knows where the house is

As I type this she is texting and calling because she just realized that I changed my direct deposit. I am sure she is furious. I am just letting it ring. I will read her texts but I don't want to talk to her.

Uuuggghhh. My stomach hurts.

I am sure this will get ugly.
If it's any consolation to you, the moving out, splitting up, direct deposit issues were the worst part of my separation.
It sucked.
I vomited after some of our conversations.

But, having settled that, things are much better now.

Keep doing the next right thing for you, sslusser.
My extended family and friends thought I was nutso for letting my AH stay in the house, but getting out - FAST - was important for me. He threw a huge fit about moving out and wasn't taking any steps to find a place of his own. I left with my son, and I do not regret it at all.

Trust your gut. You know what you need.

Take care.
-TC
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Old 10-31-2008, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
she just realized that I changed my direct deposit. I am sure she is furious.
Wow that rings a bell. My 1st wife wanted me to move out but keep paying the mortgage and utilities?!?!? How's that gonna work? I just live under a bridge? She's the one that wanted out of the marriage so I said... You want out? YOU move out.

Of course each persons situation is different and you have to do what's right for you and your son. Good luck with all that. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 10-31-2008, 07:25 PM
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Hmmm. Maybe there is some hope after all. For me anyway. She has been trying to call, I am sure she has been drinking. I have withstood the urge to pick up the phone. Texting works a lot better. Gives you time to think about what you say.

Hey, my stomach doesn't hurt.
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Old 10-31-2008, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by sslusser View Post
The leopard gecko on the other hand just might be oblivious ...
None of what you are going through is the least bit funny.......but I am glad to see that you haven't lost your sense of humor!

This made me giggle, and goodness knows it is my off-beat humor that has kept me afloat during all of my trials.
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Old 10-31-2008, 07:35 PM
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Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
Lewis Mumford (1895 - 1990)
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Old 10-31-2008, 08:48 PM
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sorry to hear about how your life is going at the moment

me being an animal lover, im sittin here wondering about your pets lol, i doubt its a good thing for her to ever have them, is she taking care of them? will the friend you live with now let you bring your pets there?

i personally believe you deserve the house, if she doesnt want to see you then she'll move out to get away

but either way i hope things get better for you :ghug3
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Old 11-01-2008, 07:20 AM
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me being an animal lover, im sittin here wondering about your pets lol, i doubt its a good thing for her to ever have them, is she taking care of them? will the friend you live with now let you bring your pets there?
I actually brought up the idea with Jim this morning about the pets. He said he didn't have a problem with it as long as he didn't have to take care of them. He is a good friend and I am lucky to have him.

I can only bring my son's dog and the gecko. The cat, bird and her dog will have to stay.

I also brought up the idea with her this morning about maybe she should find a place to live. She didn't like that idea. She said she needed to have a place for the kids to call home. Talk about delusional.

If it were just me I would go back and see if she would move out. However with my son with me I would not want to subject him to the inevitable outburst that would go along with her and I in the same place.
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Old 11-01-2008, 08:40 AM
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yeah i understand about protecting your son, its a hard situation

i was just worried about the animals, i tried to move in with my friend and i warned her my dogs (4 chihuahuas) were a handful, but she was like no its ok just bring them, but it didnt work out one bit, now i realize i have alot of dogs and you just have the one and that lizard but sometimes other people just cant deal with other peoples animals

but im just a paranoid person lol, i hope things work out!
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