eggshell

My A. is my husband. He went out a month ago on a binge and ended up being unfaithful. I have all these angry mean feelings towards this nameless facesless woman. What is wrong with me? I have prayed, I have gone to an Alanon meeting, but these feelings are not going away. I even wrote a letter to this woman, -I don't know who she is, I can't send it-anyway today we got our cel phone bill and there is her number! It is killing me, trying not to call ...and rant and rage at her. I have already done that to him enough. Again and again. I keep thinking, where is the justice for me? I feel like a victim and I want to feel vindicated. Can anyone point me in a positive healthy direction? Some advice or something to read. thanks

GiveLove

Eggshell,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a seven-year relationship with a man who was serially unfaithful and so unfortunately I know all about the rage.

Are you only mad at her? Are you not mad at him? I found that as long as I directed my rage at the 'other woman' I didn't have to face my feelings about my ABF's actions.

I found a lot of solace in a book called "Women and the Blues" by Jennifer James. There's a whole chapter in there about dealing with the anger of infidelity.

Good luck, and hugs

Jadmack25

My abf was with a "woman" for 6 weeks while on one of his binges 4 years ago. During that time I saw little of him, but he called me almost every day, often telling me he "loved me, wanted us to be together", etc. I only found out when I went to his place as I was worried over a call from him "feeling so down he could end it". They were asleep, naked on his bed and she was a fat, ugly, brainless tart, the deadbeats "bike" as I was told later. I went thru hell, depression and totally lost my self esteem, because I believed I must have lacked something. Could have murdered her, til I realised she wasn't to blame. He was the cheater, liar and the one keeping it going, not her. It took years to get over some of the misery, and I still wouldn't trust him if he went back on the booze. He knows this and that it is beer in, me out.

Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to get thru this, and do not let him off the hook. He did it and caused you such pain, so going free is not an option.
God bless you

eggshell

I am very angry at him too. I have raged, cried, talked, then done it all again. I feel ready to forgive him now because we have talked about it. I have said my piece, now I just want peace. But I can't get rid of it all, I guess because I keep trying to place some of the blame on her. I don't know her- so I can't say anything, I feel mute.
He is working the program and has been sober 30 days. He is actively participating every day with a sponsor this time. I am trying to get past this using every means I can find because part of me, well most of me, knows it is wrong and unhealthy.
I will just keep praying

Stubborn1

If it were me......I don't mind confrontation so I would call her and ask her if she realized that he was married if she said yes then I would call her every non christian name in the book just because I could. The first words out of my mouth would be "How could you sleep with a married man who has HIV, is he really that important to you if so you can have him" Now of course.......you know he doesn't have it but she doesn't!!!! I'm just evil like that.
I have no pity, sympathy for any cheating nasty skank woman like that. So yes..........I would run my mouth but do it in a tricky manner. Oh there are soooooo many ways to pay her back.
Two wrongs don't make a right but in this case it sure is fun!
As for him........ugh. I forgave mine stupidly but I went on to lose weight and now I'm hotter then ever before so it's bigger pay back when I see the tramp he cheated with. I hold my head up high and walk my fine arse right on by her......lmao
That's just me. I go against the rules sometimes.

GiveLove

Sometimes the "other woman" doesn't know he's married.
Sometimes he's convinced her that he's unhappily married.
Sometimes he's convinced her that he's married but separated.
Sometimes he's said that he's part of an open marriage, and that his wife slept around first.
Sometimes he's convinced her that his wife is abusive
Sometimes the other woman might be unstable, codependent, emotionally needy, and/or believes the sweet lies she's told
Sometimes he's told her that he's going to come and be with her, and oh thank god he's finally found someone who understands him.

I was all of the above, at one time or another, when my ex first charmed me. We went through them from top to bottom. And I believed every word.

What I later found out was that he went through this pattern with EVERY woman he got involved with. I eventually met the women who'd been in his life before me, and we'd all been told the same stories. It was bizarre, frightening, and sickening to realize this.

The thing is, eggshell, you really don' t know why she did this.

Why not ask your husband what he told her, if you're so curious why she would do such a thing?

If it is possible to have compassion for your husband, who perpetrated this, do you think it's also possible to have compassion for the woman who was pulled into it?

Despite what I fell for, I know I am a good person, through and through. Maybe she is too.

Have you gone to any personal (not marital) counseling about this? Sometimes that can be really, really helpful in getting the poison out of your system. And it sounds like that's what you want?

Stubborn1

Sometimes the chick is just nasty and looking for someone to knock her up. And men can be pretty stupid! (my opinion)

eggshell

I asked him, he doesn't remember her name or her face. Just woke up naked.
what he remembers is his friend called her or gave him the number so it is on his phone records. He was drinking Jagermonster.
I just started therapy, it is helping. I was just feeling ugly tonight. just staring at her number. Should I call and rage? should I laugh at her? Should I just pray more and find my HP? That's what the "new me" wants to do.
But the old me still holds on to some of that drama that comes with alcoholism.
I talked to him, he said that she doesn't know him or care. She was completely intox. too. He is taking all the blame. he said she was just one more person in the path of his destruction and hurting her won't really help me heal.

Stubborn1

The fact of the matter is..........he disrespected her in the most disgusting way imaginable. What if this other woman (if that's what you want to call her) has diseases? What if she gets pg? No one thought about eggshell during this time. It's disgusting, embarrasing and I personally wouldn't want to be touched again without a full medical work up.
I'd have to sick my twin brothers on him and I'd take her.

Stubborn1

I've drank myself into a stuper and I can tell you that your man knew exactly what he was doing! They don't just wake up naked. If he was THAT drunk he wouldn't be able to get it up to do the deed. He's so lying. It has nothing to do with you. I love how they blame everything on alcohol. If it's not alcohol it's because they are mad, or they were having a bad day, or they didn't feel appreciated or something.........you know better. There is NO excuse for that disrespect. You can sweep it under the rug but you will hold on to resentment and it will eat you alive. I went through it but my fiance (now husband) got his skank pg.

eggshell

He had a complete physical the other day. No STDs thank god, but he found out that his liver is very diseased and he was shocked (go figure) The doctor scared him.
The only good thing that has come out of it is 30 days sober now. Hit rock bottom (again) but this time he is actually in recovery and not just "dry" He is not hanging out with his A. "non" friends. We have gone to a few AA parties, dinners, etc. He is chairing a meeting once a week. I have been sleeping and eating...there's just this one nagging thing..that skank! LOL
Thanks to all, at least I am laughing now

Kimmieh

I agree. I was the "other woman," too at one point and I am not proud of it. But what GiveLove says applied to me as well: I was unstable, codependent, emotionally needy, depressed, and he told me all the right things.

Don't throw too many stones, especially in a place that brings together people who have issues and try to work on them.

eggshell, personally I would try to let it go and focus on your relationship if you can. Counseling would probably be great!

Good luck.

veryrestless722

ah stubborn1 you are funny, and sound like me and things that i would do lol i do have my little evil side!

i would want to know if the girl knew he was married, if she didnt then theres really not much you could say to her, but if she knew that makes it totally different, i hate women that date/sleep with married men, thats as low as you can get , to some women its a game to get a married man, but for your own sanity i wouldnt call the woman, i would keep a check on the phone bill to see if he calls her ever again

i know how it feels to be cheated on, its the worst feeling ever, and god help me i still dont know how to let go of that resentment, im no longer with my husband but it still p*sses me off to think of the two girls he cheated with, i only know what one of them looks like and god help me i dont want to judge folks but skank really says it all about her lol, course she turned around and cheated on him with an old a** man, so the joke was really on him, now i still have resentment because she knew he was a married man and didnt care, she thought she had got some kinda prize or something and tried rubbing it in my face through text messages, course my revenge was when he came back to me and no matter how much she cried and begged and tried to say she was pregnant (how convient, and of course her tubes were tied, yet she magically got pregnant right before he left her) he wouldnt have anything to do with her, she even called me crying, i simply said i dont feel sorry for you one little bit, karma has come around to bite you on the a**, what did you expect from datin a married man?

now hes with another woman, and she knew he was married and knows that im pregnant, and she dont care, she thinks its a game, and she believes all his lies, cause of course he cant justify cheating unless he bad mouths me to these women, and while ill never take him back unless he was stone cold sober, i know karma is gonna come and get this girl also, its just too bad i wont get to see it like with the other girl, but man does she got some bad karma heading her way, i would feel sorry for her, but i dont lol

best thing to do if your gonna stay with your husband is to completely let it go, i made the mistake of every time i got mad about anything, even small stuff like he was five minutes late getting off work, it was oh well you cheated lol and would blow up into this big fight about it, i was a complete nutcase about it, and drove not only myself but him also crazy, bringing it up only keeps the pain going for you, oh and asking him what exactly happened wont work either, he will probably lie and stick to his lie about it, i tried asking my husband about it and i never got the full story, but i agree with everyone else, he knew what he was doing, drunk or not, cause their little bits and pieces dont seem to work too great when they are that drunk!

hope everything goes well for you :ghug3

Jadmack25

The tart my abf was with, knew about me, even scribbled over a photo of me that he had in his lounge room. Silly cow found what she thought was my phone number, rang it and abused the friend whose phone number it was, even threatened to knife her (thinking she was talking to me). Friend finally worked it out and rang to tell me, unfortunately that was a few hours after catching abf out, and I had left by then.

She turned up at his place 2 weeks later with a 6 pack and all lovie dovie. Wouldn't listen to abf telling her to go and never come back, so I put my oar in and she got some different action to what she hoped for. Won't give details, just say she went down those stairs faster than she had come up them, followed by a flying 6 pack. Hasn't been seen around town since.

sodetermined

When I met Chris, he was still married, but they had been separated for 2 months (the marriage was on and off for 5 years). When his ex found out who I was (the new girlfriend), at first, she called me up and was horrible to me....called me names, went off one me. Of course, that just gave him the greatest satisfaction (because to him it was "see, I told you, she's nuts"). She told me all these awful things that Chris did, but it didn't matter to me, I had already fallen for him and didn't believe a word of it. After she calmed down, a couple weeks into it, she called and apologized. And we actually had a good conversation. You know what? She was right. And he had done the same thing with her when he met her (he was with another girl when he met her). I not respect this woman, I care for her. She has been there for me off and on through the last 3 1/2 years with the stuff I have went through with Chris.

In fact, she called me last night, just to see how I was and support me. It means A LOT.

So I guess in relation to your situation, her anger towards me didn't help anyone in the situation (except him).

cagefree

Anger was very difficult for me to get through and it required a lot of work. What's funny is that I couldn't have been more wrong about the things I thought were at the core of my anger. My anger ran much deeper and I had hidden it like a dark secret and covered it with other things, like the anger I felt towards XABF.

Empowering myself helped me overcome the primal rage I lived with. For too long I felt like a helpless victim, embarassed I had been...well, had...duped...swindled.

In order to empower myself, I had to look at my faults - why I was so willing to put myself over and over in the hands of people (not just XABF) who treated me unacceptably.

Knowing I am powerful from within and hold my happiness and my needs above the needs of others no longer makes me a victim, but a fighter and a survivor - of that I can be proud. Being proud of myself makes it more difficult to feel like a victim. No longer feeling like a victim helped ease the anger and resentment.

But I could not have gotten there without looking at the role I played and taken my own personal inventory.

veryrestless722

soconfused11-- did it not bother you that he was still legally married?

sodetermined

They were going through a divorce, it wasn't final yet.

And I am a different person now. I think NOW, it would bother me, because I have grown/learned a lot in the last few years. But the fact that 2 months had passed (that they had been apart), and they were in the process of divorcing justified things in my mind back then. And I was a needy, clingy, codependent and he said all the right things. He swept me off my feet in no time.

GiveLove

Mine too was "going through a divorce." Problem is, SHE didn't know that yet But it was all settled, in his mind: they were living in different parts of the house until she could move back home, living separate lives, she had moved on to other men and didn't give a damn what he did, etc. Made perfect sense.

Unfortunately, none of that turned out to be true.

I'm much wiser now, and strangely, much less tolerant of infidelity. I dont' think I could stay with a man who did that, because I'd always believe the seed exists inside him to do it again. I hope you don't share that belief...it's not healthy and I know it.

Eggshell, I know you'll be okay - just see if you can work it out of your system, like those people who sweat out toxins by exercising or in a steam room. You'll feel stronger for being able to deal with this level of stress. Truly, for ME, infidelity is one of the most horrible things a person can deal with, and for you to be able to get past this would be great, no matter what the future holds.

Pajarito

I experienced this 10 years ago with STBXAH. He spent a year "hanging out" with another woman while going to law school. I know his infidelity was emotional, and I suspect they did something physical- although I could never get that out of him. The evidence was hard to ignore. When he could no longer deny what was going on- after a year of impatience, anger, denials, blaming, etc. towards me and my concerns- he finally admitted what was going on. At the time I was scared, angry, confused, and like you I cried, raged, tried to talk it out, and unfortunately, I also took on some of the blame. Maybe if I had been more understanding of his stress, maybe if I had been more fun to be around. . . and I did not insist we go to counseling to work on our marriage. I went alone.

Fast forward 10 years and my life has been turmoil with this man- trying to trust him, trying to figure out how to live with him- and all the while he was drinking, lying, and hiding things. Over a year ago I found a note he had written about a co-worker, and realized my life had come full-circle. I was living with a man who had no intention of taking our marriage seriously, and with or without the alcohol he had seriously damaged my ability to trust him. I told him to leave. This was after he had announced he wanted to separate, because I was trying to control him and I didn't believe that he wasn't an alcoholic. The infidelity was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All I had was a stupid note, but it was enough for me to know he was attracted to her. They are now dating, and I am looking forward to a healthier life.

I guess I am sharing to give you some idea of what it's like to spend years hoping a person you love will "get it." Mine did not. I am working on why I put up with so much from him. If I had to do it all over again, I would have thrown him out 10 years ago. I would have insisted we go to counseling. I hope you will go to your own counselor- at the very least- if he won't go with you. Your anger is justified, but IMHO, raging at him isn't going to get the results you want. I spent 10 years with a nagging feeling about what had happened with the first woman- and now I think it was never fully resolved. Alcoholic behavior over the following years didn't help either. Counseling is helping me now with self-esteem and learning to live my life the way I want to. I will never- God willing- and with hard work- put up with that kind of abuse and disrespect ever again. Good luck- it's a hard road.