scateboard2001

I am seeking advice about how to be the most supportive b/f I can be for my g/f who is a cocaine addict. I have been dating her for nearly 4 months now and I found out about 6 weeks ago that she was an addict. We sat down one night and had a discussion about how she had been to rehab in February but has been struggling with relapse ever since then. She has recently had 2 relapses in the past 3 weeks and every time she has, she has told me almost immediately after. She says that she feels horrible about being deceitful and lying and that she doesn’t ever want to do it again.
She does feel like she is unable to trust herself alone and I have been trying my hardest to be a “safety net” for her but it is getting frustrating. She asked me to help her cut up her credit cards and to start managing her finances so that she does not have any temptation to relapse but the first time I forgot my wallet at home, she was right back to her old habits of calling her dealer.
We both work together, but I am also in graduate school so it is hard to be around all the time to be there to support her during her weakest moments. She has asked me repeatedly for help because she does not think she is strong enough to beat it on her own. I have told her that I am going to be by her side through whatever it takes, but I am starting to get scared because I LOVE HER and it hurts deep inside everytime I see her suffering.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I am a counselor at a psychiatric hospital and I work on a detox unit from time to time, as well as being a recovered addict from Ritalin, but I have never been on this side of the table before…The supportive significant other.

Impurrfect

(((scateboard)))

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent) who has been in relationships with other addicts.

The thing is, even if you take every cent that she has, if she isn't working recovery, she will find a way to get coke. Is she going to meetings? A counselor?

I admire that you want to help her, but her best chance is to work at recovery. I stayed clean for over a year, once, but that's all I did. I relapsed. That's when I got on SR and got involved. I also have a few supportive people in my life. For me, that's all I've needed, but most people need rehab, meetings, and/or counseling.

Be aware that taking over her finances will probably bring resentments on both your parts. I understand it, but I've seen it do a lot of damage to the relationship.

You may also want to check into al-anon or nar-anon. Just because we're RA's (recovering addicts) doesn't mean we know how to do the right things on the other side of the fence.

I'm glad you're here. There is a ton of ES&H (experience, strength & hope) on this forum, and some wonderful people.

If you read some other posts, you will see a lot of people going through something similar, so keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

Welcome to SR. My daughter is my addict. Her drug of choice is heroin. She went to rehab in May. Has 5 months clean from heroin. She recently started to date a really nice guy and my advice to him was to run. I know that sounds harsh because I really do love my daughter. But addiction is no match for love. My daughter will most likely end up using this poor guy should she relapse. But he thinks that he knows more than I do and he is willing to stick by her. Being supportive to someone who is still actively using is really supporting her habit. The best support that you can give her is to let her be totally responsible for her addiction and to set good boundaries around yourself and what you will and will not put up with. This includes protecting your money and valuables. She has already stolen from you once and she will most likely do it again. You can not treat an addict the way you would a normal person. Learn all that you can about addiction and take it very very seriously if you plan on staying with her. Hugs, Marle

littlebird77

my advice is for you guys to remain friends so she can work on her recovery. I feel it's too soon for her to start a relationship. I know that maybe hard on you, but I'm sorry it's just too soon for her.

outtolunch

Is she willing to do anything to help herself?

Live

Please read the stickies at the top.
I see a recipe for disaster.
Our natural inclinations for support and love actually work against the helping the addict.
Please procure some al-anon or nar-anon information and visit some meetings.

The other side is a different ball game.

You cannot take on management of the addiction yourself and you can't be her sponsor.

Please feel welcome, and make yourself at home, read around the boards abit.
There is a wealth of information, support and help here.
You have come to the right place.

live

iinertiacreepss

i was/am in the same position. me and my bf had 4 year relationship gone down the drain in the last year because he started smoking crack. i felt i had to be there for my boyfriend all the time, because i COULDNT stand seeing him suffer and kill himself slowly from crack. i thought my love, support and "bailing" him out of tough situations would help...and after allowing it to happen for a year, i finally saw a therapist who basically said....you're a big reason why he STILL smokes it.

PLEASEE check out my post "the hardest thing ive ever done" or something like that, it explains more and i believe imperrrfect and liveweyerd have some extra good points.

check out imperrrfect's comments to my post as well. it really helped me take a little guilt off myself.

best of luck!

iinertiacreepss

oh and i have also been through the part about them trying to quit. my boyfriend ripped up his ID for me while i was gone on a trip because he said he didnt want to take anything from my room and pawn it. he had already taken all my videogames and threatened to take other things while he was looking for drug money. and i stillll stuck with him. crazy i know. but i loved him too much. its a tremendous burden and it made me heartsick 24/7 because i wanted to trust him but knew i couldn't. i have been hurt way too many times and each day he tells me how much he hates the stuff and never wants to do it again. :/ so i know how you must be feeling and im here to tlak about it if you need to. ever since i've joined this site (yesterday haha) i've felt much less alone about my life and situation.