ToughChoices

Recently some of the threads seem to indicate a bit of confusion about healthy boundaries vs. controlling behaviors in relationships.

It is certainly a complicated topic.

I would like to talk about the subject from the perspective of a formerly (and working everyday to get better!) very controlling person. I am not an addict, but I love one.

As a controller, I made my husband aware of what he should and should not be doing on a regular basis:

He should get more sleep.
He should see the doctor.
He should look for a new job.
He should come on our family vacation.
He should stop drinking.

He should not stay up until 3a.m. playing video games.
He should not abruptly discontinue his antidepressants.
He should not complain about his work.
He should not complain about the pillows in the hotel room or the lines at the amusement park.
He should not sit in his car and drink until he is too intoxicated to drag himself inside the house.

These should's/should not's sounded SO reasonable to me.
They sounded healthy - so, in the name of health, I felt entirely justified in attempting to enforce these "rules" on my husband.

If he had told me that he didn't think it was healthy for me to go out with a girlfriend, I would have told him to go suck an egg.

So, there was a double standard of sorts. I thought that his violation of my "healthy" concept was sufficient reason for him to change his behavior, but I certainly didn't believe that my behavior ought to change simply because he thought it was unhealthy.

He said I was controlling, and I angrily maintained that I was NOT. Thank you very much.

In retrospect I can see that I desperately wanted to control him. I had very specific ideas about "proper" husband behavior, and when he didn't keep up his end of the deal (meaning, do what I wanted him to) I could come unglued.

Weeping.
Yelling.
I even hit him once.

So, there you have it. I'm a controlling abuser. Who's also a really nice girl.

I think that many people exhibit controlling behaviors at some point in a relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are a bad person or a terrible partner, but it does require some delicate introspective work to pull apart the causes and extent of the problem. And not everyone chooses to do that work.

For me, a healthy relationship requires that both partners openly communicate their needs and fears without trying to control each others' actions. As I get healthier, I can see that saying someone "should not" do something doesn't really get me anywhere.

Today I try to :
1.) State my preferences
2.) Accept that the other person may choose to take a different course of action than I would like.
3.) Decide what action would benefit me most given the other person's choice.
4.) Take that action.

Nobody's perfect, and controlling behaviors sneak in. But, today, if instead of following some variation on the above plan of action, someone consistently attempted to control me, I would decide that our paths were not in line with each other. I would end that relationship.

Thanks for letting me share.
-TC

ChangingMyself

Thank you for your post which is very timely for me, ToughChoices.

Today I need to set a boundary with my ABF, and after some wrangling in my head about how I will present it to him, I had decided upon phrasing it as, "I prefer you not..." (as opposed to, "I do not want you to..."). My fear had been that the former might not be "strong" enough to get through to him (and that the latter would come across as, well, controlling). Reading your post helped me confirm to myself that I had in fact struck upon the best language to use.

I will take action if he does not respect my boundary, and now--also after reading your post--am more hopeful that I will not feel guilty doing so.

prodigal

Thank you, ToughChoices. Today, I needed to hear this.

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, ChangingMyself!

Yep, no guilt required!

When I think of what I want in a partner, it is someone with whom to share my path in life - broaden it, even. But, if their path is dramatically different than my own (which is 100% their choice and right as a human being), it's not really in my best interest to try and force a relationship with them.

Pushing somebody down my path (or rolling them, screaming, head over foot - in my case) isn't fun for anyone involved. It's a lot of sweaty work!

Much easier on everyone involved to just know what I really want, see what they've honestly got, and critically assess if those things line up.

I say, "I'd prefer it if you didn't drink at the party tonight. When you are intoxicated you tend to be flirtatious with other women and that hurts my feelings. I'm also concerned about not having a reliable ride home."

If he chooses to drink, I have to ask myself why in the world I would try to force a relationship with someone who is incapable of or unwilling to(because of addiction or just general personally differences) give me the kind of respect and courtesy that I know I want.

There's no shame (or guilt) in taking steps that are healthy for you.

-TC

ChangingMyself

ToughChoices,

Thank you for the further excellent insights and validation of what healthy communication (and also self-preservation) look(s) like..much appreciated and again, most helpful.

And thank you too for your welcome; I am so happy to be here!

Reminder

Hi ToughChoices:

Thanks for your honesty. It took me a long time to see my own double standard, but it was there in all of its standing glory. I wanted to set boundaries for others, but I didn't want them setting boundaries for me. However, what is good for the geese is good for the gander. Negotiating boundaries with others works much better for me.

Peace.